Do you parents/ILs pay for

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just found out that my ILs would have given my kids money for college, but decided not to because they think the kids don’t visit enough. We schlepped there twice a year for several days over holidays while the kids were growing up and were lucky if they came to us once a year (and stayed no more than 24 hours). Plus the ILs spend the entire summer abroad, when that’s the best time for us to visit due to school. Apparently they wanted more.

They have every right to make that decision. Part of me thinks that if there are strings attached, maybe we’ve dodged a bullet. We can handle college on our own.

The older I get the more I’m convinced the key to happiness is autonomy. Does it sting when your parents withhold support that you would have appreciated because you failed to meet their ever changing and unpredictable expectations? Yes. Does it feel better when you look at your life and acknowledge how well you’re doing on your own? Yep. I may not be able to afford to give my child everything my parents gave me, but I am satisfied and at peace. Something my parents will never achieve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don’t expect anything from them, nor do we ever ask.

What they have done/do:
-private school tuition, roughly $40k x 2
-$15-$16k annual gift for each of us (so x 4)
-wedding gift of $500k + a $1.7M trust
-we typically join them for an annual vacation at a property they own and if it works out, we fly privately with them and they won’t let us pay for anything while we are there

Wow. Talk about generational jackpot.

I always wonder about the generation of kids (adult kids) that get so much money. What jobs do they have? Do they feel the need to be high achievers, or do they relax more because their finances are already set? Rather, does being given so much money so early on eliminate any urge to achieve on your own? So many questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don’t expect anything from them, nor do we ever ask.

What they have done/do:
-private school tuition, roughly $40k x 2
-$15-$16k annual gift for each of us (so x 4)
-wedding gift of $500k + a $1.7M trust
-we typically join them for an annual vacation at a property they own and if it works out, we fly privately with them and they won’t let us pay for anything while we are there

Wow. Talk about generational jackpot.

I always wonder about the generation of kids (adult kids) that get so much money. What jobs do they have? Do they feel the need to be high achievers, or do they relax more because their finances are already set? Rather, does being given so much money so early on eliminate any urge to achieve on your own? So many questions.

I'm the PP you're quoting. My DH didn't grow up wealthy, and I grew up quite poor. We married in our mid-late 30's so were already established in our careers at the time. We were not DCUM-rich but could have afforded a home on our own.

As for passing money onto our own kids, we aren't planning for them to get a windfall when they turn 18 or anything - I would have concerns about that.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws paid for PK-12 private and put about 100K in a 529 over the years. We never asked for a dime and never would have. My in-laws brought it up each year when the deposit was due (my MIL always remembered it was due in the spring), and each year DH would have a conversation with his parents about paying. He assured them we could cover it and talked through their current and upcoming expenses. Our DC is their only grandchild, so I'm sure some of their decision was based on the idea of "you can't take it with you." There were no strings attached, and it make them incredibly happy to do this for our child. We could have covered the tuition, but it sure was nice not having to pay!

If there are no strings attached, and it doesn't hurt them financially, I don't really see why people are opposed to the idea of grandparents paying.

[Anonymous]

My dad and stepmom are paying for this year (25k) for my son who is starting private at 8th grade. They are very wealthy (mostly her) and it’s not likely we will inherit much but the tuition helps us max our retirements. Both dh and I work in non profits (dh now government employee) so private would be doable but tough.
Grandparents also have a college account for the kids but don’t tell us what’s it in which means we also save. And since my dad will likely pass away first it’s quite possible stepmom will yank back the accounts (not for the money but for the control).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don’t expect anything from them, nor do we ever ask.

What they have done/do:
-private school tuition, roughly $40k x 2
-$15-$16k annual gift for each of us (so x 4)
-wedding gift of $500k + a $1.7M trust
-we typically join them for an annual vacation at a property they own and if it works out, we fly privately with them and they won’t let us pay for anything while we are there

LOL, well, you do not need to ask them because they are already floating your boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who do accept help, do you have a discussion with your family members about their finances to be sure they can really afford it? I've heard of grandparents making offers they really shouldn't make because their friends were doing something similar. With the high cost of healthcare, poor recent return on investments, and long life expectancy, I worry some about people who are giving away what sometimes amounts to $100k+/year. Some think of it as an early inheritance gift they get to see the benefits from but I'd be careful accepting much without having a pretty good idea of their means.

I wouldn’t worry about this unless I were a sibling who feels that my other sibling was taking too much. Is that you?

Other than that, it’s really up to our parents to plan their own financial futures. If they make a mistake and have been overly generous with their kids, it should have set the kids up to be in a better position to help them should they truly need it.

What an odd point to raise…

Not the PP, but not necessarily such an odd point to raise.

SiL asked her parents to pay for DC1 private school tuition. They said no. Then she asked for down payment for a NYC apartment and they also said no. They did offer money towards down payment when she and her DH eventually moved out of city and bought a house. We also learned that the ILs opened 529s for SiL's 2 DCs.

Our kids do not have 529s from them - DH only recently learned his parents had done this for his sister. We've also learned that his parents may not have sufficient funds if they end up in a CCRC, AL, memory care, etc for an extended period of time. Some of that is due to the skyrocketing costs, not necessarily poor planning - if they were 10-15 years older, it probably would have been enough. Alas, now, they have enough probably if they are both in the same room, but not if they needed to be split due to diverging needs.

I don't think the down payment and the 529s would make a huge deal here, but we are relieved that DH's parents didn't pay for more for what SiL requested as he thinks there may have even been more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws paid for PK-12 private and put about 100K in a 529 over the years. We never asked for a dime and never would have. My in-laws brought it up each year when the deposit was due (my MIL always remembered it was due in the spring), and each year DH would have a conversation with his parents about paying. He assured them we could cover it and talked through their current and upcoming expenses. Our DC is their only grandchild, so I'm sure some of their decision was based on the idea of "you can't take it with you." There were no strings attached, and it make them incredibly happy to do this for our child. We could have covered the tuition, but it sure was nice not having to pay!

If there are no strings attached, and it doesn't hurt them financially, I don't really see why people are opposed to the idea of grandparents paying.

I think posters are only opposed to grandparents paying if the posters don't like their parents/ILs, but take the money anyway, or ask for money, as if it is owed to them. Yet, different posters might be jealous of generous parents/ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. My parents paid for all of their kids college and graduate school. They gave us each $500k towards a house. They give about $5-10k per year per grandkid for college, but say they can’t cover private school for all their grandkids. None of us have actually asked but they made that clear when kids were little, and it probably would be too much money for them with a net worth of $10M. The families who pay for all their grandkids private education k-12 must be extremely wealthy.

School of hardknocks only getting 500k for house and 5-10k annually for school Imagine having "wealthy" parents.

[Anonymous]

Why ask this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who do accept help, do you have a discussion with your family members about their finances to be sure they can really afford it? I've heard of grandparents making offers they really shouldn't make because their friends were doing something similar. With the high cost of healthcare, poor recent return on investments, and long life expectancy, I worry some about people who are giving away what sometimes amounts to $100k+/year. Some think of it as an early inheritance gift they get to see the benefits from but I'd be careful accepting much without having a pretty good idea of their means.

I wouldn’t worry about this unless I were a sibling who feels that my other sibling was taking too much. Is that you?

Other than that, it’s really up to our parents to plan their own financial futures. If they make a mistake and have been overly generous with their kids, it should have set the kids up to be in a better position to help them should they truly need it.

What an odd point to raise…

Not the PP, but not necessarily such an odd point to raise.

SiL asked her parents to pay for DC1 private school tuition. They said no. Then she asked for down payment for a NYC apartment and they also said no. They did offer money towards down payment when she and her DH eventually moved out of city and bought a house. We also learned that the ILs opened 529s for SiL's 2 DCs.

Our kids do not have 529s from them - DH only recently learned his parents had done this for his sister. We've also learned that his parents may not have sufficient funds if they end up in a CCRC, AL, memory care, etc for an extended period of time. Some of that is due to the skyrocketing costs, not necessarily poor planning - if they were 10-15 years older, it probably would have been enough. Alas, now, they have enough probably if they are both in the same room, but not if they needed to be split due to diverging needs.

I don't think the down payment and the 529s would make a huge deal here, but we are relieved that DH's parents didn't pay for more for what SiL requested as he thinks there may have even been more.

So, I was right. It’s about a sibling thinking the other sibling is getting too much. Classic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


Yes. They insisted we send our kids to private school to continue the tradition in our family

There shouldn’t be strings attached. Your kid’s school should be your decision. Our in-laws never questioned how we spend the money. Never. We both were lucky with parents. My mother was widowed early (not lucky) and loved children so she watched them for me and took them on holidays. Also with their cousins.

Oh blah blah blah. Golden rule. Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.

Don’t like the strings, don’t take the gold.

Oh yes, when you hear a quote from freaking JAFAR in “Aladdin,” definitely take notes and live by the maxims of a villain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why ask this?

Don't read it if you don't like it. Same as any post.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me feel way less bad about my father paying for my rent (I'm a single mom making 20k). I pay for everything else we need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Private School tuition? If so, all or some/how much/is it on a regular basis? Do you expect them to pay? How often do you or your spouse ask them? Are there other regular payments that they make or that you expect them to make?

What?! Who expects their parents or even asks their parents to pay for things? If they offer, that is incredibly generous, but expect it? That sounds entitled.