How would you react: DH says he's "done working."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep telling OP he seems depressed and get him screened? Is that somehow new or helpful info? She said *in the OP* that she thinks he's depressed and fights against any screening. She can't get him treatment against his will.

No, but she can make crystal clear the costs he will incur if he does not finally man up and get screening, take it seriously, and accept any treatment he needs. It's time for what some would refer to as her "come to Jesus" talk with him. He can buck screening all he wants, but needs to know he is making her life and their kids' lives bad, and she can make a choice to end the marriage, or ask him to move out while she considers what to do.

Yes, he needs to "man up" and become a wage slave after already risking his life for 20 years. Why doesn't anyone ever tell a lazy woman to "woman up"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH retired from the military five years ago at age 43. He has a military pension, but it's not huge, and when he decided to retire, he said he was planning to get another job. Since retiring, he has done a little bit of consulting (cumulatively, a few months worth of consulting, spread over five years) but he has never applied for any jobs. He has had various ideas for projects/businesses/career changes but hasn't followed through on any of them. But although he will briefly get very enthusiastic about researching things, he then loses interest. Mostly he just hangs around the house all day, watching TV, reading, playing video games and working out in our home gym. He does the dishes and takes out the trash, but that's it.

Recently, he told me, "I've decided I'm not interested in starting a second career. I'm just planning to kick back and relax for the rest of my life, because I've earned it, and I'm not interesting in being part of the rat race." But he sure does not seem contented. He's in a bad mood most of the time, snapping at me and the kids. I think he is seriously depressed, but when I tell him I am worried that he is unhappy, he tells me to get off his case, he's fine, and he refuses to consider seeing a therapist. ("There's nothing wrong with me! If you think there's something wrong with me, there's something wrong with you!")

I've tried to be patient– transitioning out the the military can be really hard– and I have been supportive of all his ideas since he retired ("Absolutely, starting your own dog walking business sounds like a great idea!" "If you want to go back to school and get a masters in zoology, you absolutely should!" Etc.). But I do all the kid-related stuff, handle nearly all the household stuff, take care of my own sick parents, and work full time (I have always worked full time, even when he was deployed etc., and now his pension only covers about 20% of our expenses, so my salary is essential).

I love him, but I'm finding it increasingly hard not to feel resentful. I really want to tell him that this is not okay: he doesn't need to kill himself to make money, but it's not okay to just spend the rest of his life hanging around doing nothing and acting pissed off at the world.

Any advice? How would you react? Would you say, "Okay, dear, you've paid your dues, you get to do whatever you want for the next few decades, and I'll keep working to pay the bills?" Or would you tell him he needs to get his shit together, or the marriage is not going to last much longer?

Say that, right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep telling OP he seems depressed and get him screened? Is that somehow new or helpful info? She said *in the OP* that she thinks he's depressed and fights against any screening. She can't get him treatment against his will.

No, but she can make crystal clear the costs he will incur if he does not finally man up and get screening, take it seriously, and accept any treatment he needs. It's time for what some would refer to as her "come to Jesus" talk with him. He can buck screening all he wants, but needs to know he is making her life and their kids' lives bad, and she can make a choice to end the marriage, or ask him to move out while she considers what to do.

Yes, he needs to "man up" and become a wage slave after already risking his life for 20 years. Why doesn't anyone ever tell a lazy woman to "woman up"?

Becasuebhis pension is not enough to support his family's lifestyle. So they need to doscuss how much $ they need to have what they want/need and agree how they will get it so no one person is doing everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep telling OP he seems depressed and get him screened? Is that somehow new or helpful info? She said *in the OP* that she thinks he's depressed and fights against any screening. She can't get him treatment against his will.

No, but she can make crystal clear the costs he will incur if he does not finally man up and get screening, take it seriously, and accept any treatment he needs. It's time for what some would refer to as her "come to Jesus" talk with him. He can buck screening all he wants, but needs to know he is making her life and their kids' lives bad, and she can make a choice to end the marriage, or ask him to move out while she considers what to do.

Yes, he needs to "man up" and become a wage slave after already risking his life for 20 years. Why doesn't anyone ever tell a lazy woman to "woman up"?

Are you volunteering to support him financially? Because he was providing the service of risking his life to you as much as he was to her. Even more, because to her the downside of his possible death far outweighed any individual gains that he was providing for her defense.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation. My husband left the Amy and he found a new civilian job - we are not retirement age. He slowly became depressed and refused to admit it. He wouldn’t leave the house, see friends, or work out anymore. He eventually lost his civilian job - I suspect he stopped doing work. I checked in on his job search and he told me specifically “there are no jobs.” That made me suspicious- I understand he was in more of a niche role but saying there are no jobs for him??? I checked Indeed and found a perfect role for him - it was in his field and although it was a long term temp position, it was a good job. I forced him to apply and he got the job.

It didn’t help. He continued to mope around the house and then explode at me once a month. I found myself getting depressed as well, living in that environment.

I ended up divorcing him and wish I hadn’t waited so long. It took me a long time to realize that he was the one who left the marriage and not me. Sadly there was no way to make him get treatment or take it seriously. But that was his choice and once I realized I couldn’t live like that anymore, it was clear what I had to do.

Best of luck to you - either way you’re in for a tough road. It gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep telling OP he seems depressed and get him screened? Is that somehow new or helpful info? She said *in the OP* that she thinks he's depressed and fights against any screening. She can't get him treatment against his will.

No, but she can make crystal clear the costs he will incur if he does not finally man up and get screening, take it seriously, and accept any treatment he needs. It's time for what some would refer to as her "come to Jesus" talk with him. He can buck screening all he wants, but needs to know he is making her life and their kids' lives bad, and she can make a choice to end the marriage, or ask him to move out while she considers what to do.

Yes, he needs to "man up" and become a wage slave after already risking his life for 20 years. Why doesn't anyone ever tell a lazy woman to "woman up"?

Risking his life for 20 years? Ha! Please. The reason you get full retirement after 20 years in the mil is because you spent your best years earning poor pay and generating few marketable skills. And when that program came into place, people basically had about 10-15 years of retirement before dying. He can go do something (or not, I don't care), but don't make it seem like he's earned 35 years of sitting around doing nothing.

[Anonymous]

That's a shame. Veterans get priority for jobs, GI bill for education, loans for business etc. He is young and healthy, he really can take advantage of these opportunities. However, mental health issues are real and readjustment isn't easy so unless he sees a psychiatrist to see if he needs medication, therapy or just a life coach, you won't be able to help him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep telling OP he seems depressed and get him screened? Is that somehow new or helpful info? She said *in the OP* that she thinks he's depressed and fights against any screening. She can't get him treatment against his will.

No, but she can make crystal clear the costs he will incur if he does not finally man up and get screening, take it seriously, and accept any treatment he needs. It's time for what some would refer to as her "come to Jesus" talk with him. He can buck screening all he wants, but needs to know he is making her life and their kids' lives bad, and she can make a choice to end the marriage, or ask him to move out while she considers what to do.

Yes, he needs to "man up" and become a wage slave after already risking his life for 20 years. Why doesn't anyone ever tell a lazy woman to "woman up"?

Not all military risk their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's a shame. Veterans get priority for jobs, GI bill for education, loans for business etc. He is young and healthy, he really can take advantage of these opportunities. However, mental health issues are real and readjustment isn't easy so unless he sees a psychiatrist to see if he needs medication, therapy or just a life coach, you won't be able to help him.

Op is an officer and has a degree. He needs to grow up and get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep telling OP he seems depressed and get him screened? Is that somehow new or helpful info? She said *in the OP* that she thinks he's depressed and fights against any screening. She can't get him treatment against his will.

No, but she can make crystal clear the costs he will incur if he does not finally man up and get screening, take it seriously, and accept any treatment he needs. It's time for what some would refer to as her "come to Jesus" talk with him. He can buck screening all he wants, but needs to know he is making her life and their kids' lives bad, and she can make a choice to end the marriage, or ask him to move out while she considers what to do.

Yes, he needs to "man up" and become a wage slave after already risking his life for 20 years. Why doesn't anyone ever tell a lazy woman to "woman up"?

Not all military risk their lives.

Especially not officers

[Anonymous]

OP officer husband expects a great job out of retirement and didn't plan for it. My spouses retirement pension is $1K a month so there was no way to be selfish and not get a second job. However, it was very planned and he got a degree before retiring that would give him a good job/future. Too many officers (and enlisted) get any degree that is not marketable outside and their job skills don't often translate into the real world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep telling OP he seems depressed and get him screened? Is that somehow new or helpful info? She said *in the OP* that she thinks he's depressed and fights against any screening. She can't get him treatment against his will.

No, but she can make crystal clear the costs he will incur if he does not finally man up and get screening, take it seriously, and accept any treatment he needs. It's time for what some would refer to as her "come to Jesus" talk with him. He can buck screening all he wants, but needs to know he is making her life and their kids' lives bad, and she can make a choice to end the marriage, or ask him to move out while she considers what to do.

Yes, he needs to "man up" and become a wage slave after already risking his life for 20 years. Why doesn't anyone ever tell a lazy woman to "woman up"?

Not all military risk their lives.

+1 I believe 15% are combat roles and 85% are support.

Op, I agree with all others that it’s time for an ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is hard, but also not uncommon post military retirement. Many people thrive in the military because of the regimented structure, which doesn’t really exist outside of the military.

What is the crux of the issue? Do you need him to bring in some income for current expenses or savings goals? Is it just his hanging around the house? The attitude?

How could the answer NOT be “all of the above?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would LOVE if my DH retired early. Y'all have your priorities way off.

Wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH retired at 38 and I love it but he’s a super involved dad and has a profitable side project.

Op, it sounds like a mental health issue for your DH. If he is in therapy, perhaps it’s not enough/not working?

With all due respect, side work and a SAHD to young kids is not retirement in any shape or form.

Cool. Well, when he’s 67, he can have that retirement. In his early 40s? Nope. Sorry. Not unless he’s a multimillionaire, which he clearly isn’t.