How would you react: DH says he's "done working."

[Anonymous]

DH retired from the military five years ago at age 43. He has a military pension, but it's not huge, and when he decided to retire, he said he was planning to get another job. Since retiring, he has done a little bit of consulting (cumulatively, a few months worth of consulting, spread over five years) but he has never applied for any jobs. He has had various ideas for projects/businesses/career changes but hasn't followed through on any of them. But although he will briefly get very enthusiastic about researching things, he then loses interest. Mostly he just hangs around the house all day, watching TV, reading, playing video games and working out in our home gym. He does the dishes and takes out the trash, but that's it.

Recently, he told me, "I've decided I'm not interested in starting a second career. I'm just planning to kick back and relax for the rest of my life, because I've earned it, and I'm not interesting in being part of the rat race." But he sure does not seem contented. He's in a bad mood most of the time, snapping at me and the kids. I think he is seriously depressed, but when I tell him I am worried that he is unhappy, he tells me to get off his case, he's fine, and he refuses to consider seeing a therapist. ("There's nothing wrong with me! If you think there's something wrong with me, there's something wrong with you!")

I've tried to be patient– transitioning out the the military can be really hard– and I have been supportive of all his ideas since he retired ("Absolutely, starting your own dog walking business sounds like a great idea!" "If you want to go back to school and get a masters in zoology, you absolutely should!" Etc.). But I do all the kid-related stuff, handle nearly all the household stuff, take care of my own sick parents, and work full time (I have always worked full time, even when he was deployed etc., and now his pension only covers about 20% of our expenses, so my salary is essential).

I love him, but I'm finding it increasingly hard not to feel resentful. I really want to tell him that this is not okay: he doesn't need to kill himself to make money, but it's not okay to just spend the rest of his life hanging around doing nothing and acting pissed off at the world.

Any advice? How would you react? Would you say, "Okay, dear, you've paid your dues, you get to do whatever you want for the next few decades, and I'll keep working to pay the bills?" Or would you tell him he needs to get his shit together, or the marriage is not going to last much longer?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would tell him we’re getting a divorce.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell him to get his $h!t together because this is not the life I signed up for and my kids deserve a better life and a more present dad. I'd encourage (strongly) therapy. This s not the example you want for your kids. Sounds like an overgrown man-child.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids?

[Anonymous]

I'd divorce him. I don't want to be around that. He's a lump. An angry lump.

[Anonymous]

The latter!! Geez.

[Anonymous]

This is hard, but also not uncommon post military retirement. Many people thrive in the military because of the regimented structure, which doesn’t really exist outside of the military.

What is the crux of the issue? Do you need him to bring in some income for current expenses or savings goals? Is it just his hanging around the house? The attitude?

[Anonymous]

I would tell him to choose job or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Grown adults in my house work and contribute as much as possible, otherwise bye Felicia.

Lots of people have no problem supporting deadbeats.

Which are you?

[Anonymous]

If he wants to SAH, he needs to step it up. SAHPs should be handling kid stuff during working hours, and if kids are in school, they should be doing dropoff, pickup, household stuff that can be done during the day (errands, groceries, cleaning), and getting meals started. If you're doing all that AND he's not working AND his pension doesn't cover outside help, what is he bringing to the table? Why does he think its okay to dump all of that on you? Maybe he's depressed, but spouses owe it to each other and their kids to try to get better, which he won't do. I'd be getting my ducks in a row for a divorce.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t divorce him just yet, but I would make it clear that he has a time limit to get his S*%( together or its quits. He did pay his dues. He did deserve a break. 5 years is a long break. Great that he has a small pension. But how is he being a productive adult? What adult friendships or connections is he cultivating? He doesn’t need to enter the rat race, but is there a charity or cause that he could support through PT work, or even volunteer, would he like to coach little league, get involved with local community or church. He served the military for 20 years, which is great but that doesn’t mean he gets to be a sloth for 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is hard, but also not uncommon post military retirement. Many people thrive in the military because of the regimented structure, which doesn’t really exist outside of the military.

What is the crux of the issue? Do you need him to bring in some income for current expenses or savings goals? Is it just his hanging around the house? The attitude?

OP here. I guess it's the attitude more than anything. If he was actually happy – if he found some hobby that brought him joy, and was full of laughter and love– well, I'd still wish he made some more money but I could handle it. (I mean, I like my job, so although I sometimes feel overwhelmed, it's not like I'd quit if he suddenly got a job.) And if he pitched in more with household stuff– took on more of Ye Olde Mental Load, went shopping, fixed things, called contractors, did all that stuff without sulking or needing to be cajoled– it would be fine. I guess it's just that right now I feel like I am not getting much out of this: not a happy, supportive spouse, not an engaged and loving co-parent, not someone to share the breadwinning, not a partner in dealing with all the crappy little stuff life throws at us.

I truly love him and when he is in a good mood he's a lot of fun to be around: he is smart and funny and affectionate. But we are not seeing his good side nearly as much as we see his angry, moody side.

[Anonymous]

Does he have friends who are retired military? What are they doing? Veterans preferences are such a factor in federal hiring that he really should consider applying for some not-too-demanding government job.

[Anonymous]

Nope. I would divorce while he’s still of an age that a judge will impute and income to him. You’re also entitled to half of the pension in question.

There would be one discussion about this. One. And I would allow a three month trial as SAH parent in which he carries out all of the household tasks a SAHP does (more then take out the trash.)

[Anonymous]

Your expenses must be high if his pension only covers 20%. He should get at least part time job.
My military ex never did go back to work. I think he is selling something.