How would you react: DH says he's "done working."

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Divorce him. Let him see how fun it is living on his benefits when he's forking over a portion to care for the kids.

Also, at his age, no judge would agree to him being "retired" without a substantial nest egg.


Funny how he’ll find a way to overcome the depression he claims he doesn’t have, get up, take a shower and get a damn job like an adult when faced with living on half his pension.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op, my military dh just retired last month. His last assignment ended in August though, so he’s been home since then. He had a brush with a mid-life crisis. He drank like a fish and I thought we were headed for divorce. If the opportunity had presented itself, I’m sure he would have cheated. He seems to have righted himself a bit, but is still unemployed and not yet looking for work. We can’t afford for him to stay this way for all that long though. Maybe a year, but if he’s unemployed this time next year we’ll have to move to a lower COL location.

Just putting that out there to say I feel you. In your shoes, I’d go out for a quiet dinner, just the two of you, and approach this with an attitude of care and curiosity, and express concern for him. It’s okay to also say that this is clearly not working for him, and as a follow on from that, it’s not working for you and the rest of the family. He may genuinely not know where to start looking for a job at this point. He may be afraid of rejection if he tries.

There may be something deeper going on, something about his childhood, his parents, his dad’s relationship with work, parents time in retirement, something. See what you can figure out. I think it’s okay to be open with him that the status quo is not okay.


This has been going on for FIVE YEARS, not one month. I assuming the OP has tried the nice, understanding route. Really, it is time to just get out.


Divorce won't solve OP's problems. He's still not going to get a job, she will still have to pay for everything, she will still handle all of the mental load around the kids. She just gets the additional headaches and strain on the kids of dealing with joint custody, and he won't even be around to be occasionally funny or take out the garbage.


Yes, he will, because he CAN work and make money in his 40s to pay child support, and the judge will expect him to do so, or else be held in contempt.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For him to be completely retired and he isn’t even fifty years old yet!!?

What the heck??

This would be a huge dealbreaker, turnoff, etc.

Tell him this isn’t the life you signed up for.

He needs to still work because it is not fair that you are paying 80% of the expenses along w/keeping the home fires burning.

If he remains stubborn and refuses to get another job - I would for sure start off w/a formal separation from him.


Military you do 20-30 years. You start at 18-22 and you retire at 20, you can retire at 38.


You retire from THAT JOB. You don’t sit on your ass with your hand in your pants for the next 40 years.
Anonymous
Could he have PTSD? Maybe he should get evaluated by VA.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep telling OP he seems depressed and get him screened? Is that somehow new or helpful info? She said *in the OP* that she thinks he's depressed and fights against any screening. She can't get him treatment against his will.


No, but she can make crystal clear the costs he will incur if he does not finally man up and get screening, take it seriously, and accept any treatment he needs. It's time for what some would refer to as her "come to Jesus" talk with him. He can buck screening all he wants, but needs to know he is making her life and their kids' lives bad, and she can make a choice to end the marriage, or ask him to move out while she considers what to do.


Yes, he needs to "man up" and become a wage slave after already risking his life for 20 years. Why doesn't anyone ever tell a lazy woman to "woman up"?


Oh, you’re one of THOSE.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:What are you getting out of this marriage op? Honest question.


Since when was marriage a business partnership?
Anonymous
Military spouse here. Does he socialize with his military friends? Are any of them fully retired? We know plenty that retire at 43 but they live in Kentucky or somewhere way cheaper than DC. Most usually have kids in their 20s too.

I personally would get a babysitter or plan a play date for the kids while hiring a marriage counselor to do an intervention. But I would be ready for divorce before starting the process.

Truly, your life would be better without him. The only thing holding you back is the memory of who he used to be which isn't who he is today.
Anonymous
It could also be depression that he is not admitting it. Do you have any friends that he can kind of chat about life etc. maybe they could help him. He needs that spark to get him out of the retired rut
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would LOVE if my DH retired early. Y'all have your priorities way off.


So you’d like your husband sitting around the house, cranky, depressed and contributing nothing except taking out the trash? Well, good for you for being a doormat.


Ditto! Too many women put up with this BS. Give him options and a timeline OP. If you do not do something soon, you will hate him.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For him to be completely retired and he isn’t even fifty years old yet!!?

What the heck??

This would be a huge dealbreaker, turnoff, etc.

Tell him this isn’t the life you signed up for.

He needs to still work because it is not fair that you are paying 80% of the expenses along w/keeping the home fires burning.

If he remains stubborn and refuses to get another job - I would for sure start off w/a formal separation from him.


Military you do 20-30 years. You start at 18-22 and you retire at 20, you can retire at 38.


You retire from THAT JOB. You don’t sit on your ass with your hand in your pants for the next 40 years.


Especially if it only covers 20% of expenses. You will blow through your savings in no time. Don’t know any able-bodied career military who retired in their early 40s and refused to work.
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