How would you react: DH says he's "done working."

[Anonymous]

I'd tell him he has three choices (if you're OK with all of them):

(i) Get a full time job.
(ii) Become an actual stay at home parent, who proactively takes care of everything (including the mental load). Cooking (including shopping and meal planning, transporting kids, scheduling appointments (and remembering to schedule the appointments), etc.
(iii) divorce. (Not that you're looking forward to this, but the situation you describe is untenable. He isn't doing anywhere close to half of the household tasks, he is barely working, and he's unpleasant to boot. The pension doesn't entitle him to stop working forever, it is a security blanket for the family, and maybe mans that he has less pressure to maximize his earning potential.)

In order to accomplish the first two choices, though, it seems clear that he needs to get his mental and emotional health in order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is hard, but also not uncommon post military retirement. Many people thrive in the military because of the regimented structure, which doesn’t really exist outside of the military.

What is the crux of the issue? Do you need him to bring in some income for current expenses or savings goals? Is it just his hanging around the house? The attitude?

OP here. I guess it's the attitude more than anything. If he was actually happy – if he found some hobby that brought him joy, and was full of laughter and love– well, I'd still wish he made some more money but I could handle it. (I mean, I like my job, so although I sometimes feel overwhelmed, it's not like I'd quit if he suddenly got a job.) And if he pitched in more with household stuff– took on more of Ye Olde Mental Load, went shopping, fixed things, called contractors, did all that stuff without sulking or needing to be cajoled– it would be fine. I guess it's just that right now I feel like I am not getting much out of this: not a happy, supportive spouse, not an engaged and loving co-parent, not someone to share the breadwinning, not a partner in dealing with all the crappy little stuff life throws at us.

I truly love him and when he is in a good mood he's a lot of fun to be around: he is smart and funny and affectionate. But we are not seeing his good side nearly as much as we see his angry, moody side.

I would focus on the mood/anger first. With men, depression often times is displayed through anger. He needs to make strides toward addressing what is going on mentally which may then allow him to better focus on work or actually shouldering to the SAP load.

[Anonymous]

Yes, this is common with any suddenly retirement where a person goes from full time to a screeching halt. It’s just less noticeable with the 65+ because they are mostly not taking care of kids and households anymore. At mid-40s, it’s completely different and it take a couple of years for the adjustment. You can’t make your husband happy, it’s a process and an adjustment.

But you can absolutely tell him that since he is not working, he now needs to take the burden off you, and can take off considerable burden in terms of household and kid duty. That you are being squeezed from all directions and you need his support. It may even help him to be needed and to get into some routine / structure that kid duty (drop off, pick up, shopping / errands/ etc) can give.

Don’t expect him to jump straight into the whole mental load, but load him with things to do that would ease YOUR burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is hard, but also not uncommon post military retirement. Many people thrive in the military because of the regimented structure, which doesn’t really exist outside of the military.

What is the crux of the issue? Do you need him to bring in some income for current expenses or savings goals? Is it just his hanging around the house? The attitude?

He can easily have a regimented structure with child care, cleaning the house and cooking. When I became a sahm for 2 years, my days were very structured.

[Anonymous]

You guys are in this together so YOU also retire. Let's see how he likes it.

[Anonymous]

Divorce. Sounds like a total loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell him he has three choices (if you're OK with all of them):

(i) Get a full time job.
(ii) Become an actual stay at home parent, who proactively takes care of everything (including the mental load). Cooking (including shopping and meal planning, transporting kids, scheduling appointments (and remembering to schedule the appointments), etc.
(iii) divorce. (Not that you're looking forward to this, but the situation you describe is untenable. He isn't doing anywhere close to half of the household tasks, he is barely working, and he's unpleasant to boot. The pension doesn't entitle him to stop working forever, it is a security blanket for the family, and maybe mans that he has less pressure to maximize his earning potential.)

In order to accomplish the first two choices, though, it seems clear that he needs to get his mental and emotional health in order.

It sounds like even a part time job would help - and maybe would be enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would LOVE if my DH retired early. Y'all have your priorities way off.

You are not retired if you can’t contribute 1/2. Your unemployed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would LOVE if my DH retired early. Y'all have your priorities way off.

You are not retired if you can’t contribute 1/2. Your unemployed.

He has half of his final salary for life, if he didn't use his GI benefits their kids get a great deal on college, and if he has VA benefits (it's rare to not be able to get some level of disability) then you get healthcare too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?

And how does DH plan to fund their college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would LOVE if my DH retired early. Y'all have your priorities way off.

So you’d like your husband sitting around the house, cranky, depressed and contributing nothing except taking out the trash? Well, good for you for being a doormat.

I dropped someone just like that at their Mom's house last year. Best decision I could have made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your expenses must be high if his pension only covers 20%. He should get at least part time job.
My military ex never did go back to work. I think he is selling something.

No he needs a full time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH retired at 38 and I love it but he’s a super involved dad and has a profitable side project.

Op, it sounds like a mental health issue for your DH. If he is in therapy, perhaps it’s not enough/not working?

With all due respect, side work and a SAHD to young kids is not retirement in any shape or form.

What is your point?

That he is not retired. Just underemployed and taking advantage of wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would LOVE if my DH retired early. Y'all have your priorities way off.

You are not retired if you can’t contribute 1/2. Your unemployed.

He has half of his final salary for life, if he didn't use his GI benefits their kids get a great deal on college, and if he has VA benefits (it's rare to not be able to get some level of disability) then you get healthcare too

He has a military pension, but it's not huge

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell him he has three choices (if you're OK with all of them):

(i) Get a full time job.
(ii) Become an actual stay at home parent, who proactively takes care of everything (including the mental load). Cooking (including shopping and meal planning, transporting kids, scheduling appointments (and remembering to schedule the appointments), etc.
(iii) divorce. (Not that you're looking forward to this, but the situation you describe is untenable. He isn't doing anywhere close to half of the household tasks, he is barely working, and he's unpleasant to boot. The pension doesn't entitle him to stop working forever, it is a security blanket for the family, and maybe mans that he has less pressure to maximize his earning potential.)

In order to accomplish the first two choices, though, it seems clear that he needs to get his mental and emotional health in order.

Nix no. 2. Choices should be 1 or 3.