No grandchildren

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate this thread. I am not sure what will happen with my three children. One is gay and doesn’t want kids, second doesn’t want children or marriage, jury is out on the third. I go to an old lady water aerobics class and as I have gotten to know the ladies I am realizing that bragging about your grandchild is the old lady equivalent of “My Marvin is so gifted. Reading three grade levels ahead and the other day the teacher said. . “ It’s completely tone deaf, is just a way of bragging about yourself, it’s a weird flex etc. There are many
Other lovely women with a variety of family situation but they don’t continually broadcast it, just like people didn’t broadcast about their child’s dyslexia etc.

I'm so sorry you feel that way. My parents pretty much only talk about their grandchildren, but it's not to brag/flex. It's mostly that they don't have anything else exciting going on to talk about (the weather? their illnesses?). They're retired so they just centered their lives around grandkids. think most elderly people are like that and can't talk about other things.

It seems odd to have no other interests. They don’t read, cook, garden, go to a bible study, travel, go to the movies, make art or take photos or redecorate their home, go to the gym, have pets? Literally it’s all either illnesses or grandchildren? That seems pretty severe.

Maybe they are super involved as childcare providers? If retired and local it can become the new job. Or that's what they talk about to the adult DC with kids? Our BIL-SIL's with GC talk about other stuff. We do hear more about individual GC during any periods when they are the child care provider for working or ill parents households.

[Anonymous]

You never know. How old are your kids? I didn’t have my first child until 41. Well my only child until I was 41. My parents were much older, but so happy and fabulous grandparents.

[Anonymous]

OP, I do empathize and I agree with those that suggest to allow yourself to grieve.

I would also share, as others have, that until the kids have edged past 40 to not lose hope. I was 30 when I had my first and was absolutely the very first amongst my friends to have a kid. My kid is older now and most of the moms I know in DC had their kids between 35-early 4s. My sisters are close to mid 30’s and not even married although both have kids. I have friends nearing 40 who still want kids but don’t have any yet.

At Sibley Hospital, the major hospital near me in NW DC, the average maternal delivery age is 39!

I know you said you are in the Midwest but are your kids too? Even if they are the age of having a kid in the US is rapidly going up. Right now the average age of moms when they first have a kid is 30. I don’t know what it is in major city hubs like DC and NY but I would easily guess 37, 38…

It’s a whole new world out there, and not necessarily for the better when it comes to fertility etc… but people are definitely having kids so much older. My BIL says he definitely wants a family and he is 40 and still unmarried.

Both my in laws are from the Midwest - from a family of 9 and 7!

Anyway, I’m sorry things don’t look the way you had hoped. Babies are the best and I wish for them too. I have fertility problems which is different from your situation but I can empathize with wishing to hold a baby again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I do empathize and I agree with those that suggest to allow yourself to grieve.

I would also share, as others have, that until the kids have edged past 40 to not lose hope. I was 30 when I had my first and was absolutely the very first amongst my friends to have a kid. My kid is older now and most of the moms I know in DC had their kids between 35-early 4s. My sisters are close to mid 30’s and not even married although both have kids. I have friends nearing 40 who still want kids but don’t have any yet.

At Sibley Hospital, the major hospital near me in NW DC, the average maternal delivery age is 39!

I know you said you are in the Midwest but are your kids too? Even if they are the age of having a kid in the US is rapidly going up. Right now the average age of moms when they first have a kid is 30. I don’t know what it is in major city hubs like DC and NY but I would easily guess 37, 38…

It’s a whole new world out there, and not necessarily for the better when it comes to fertility etc… but people are definitely having kids so much older. My BIL says he definitely wants a family and he is 40 and still unmarried.

Both my in laws are from the Midwest - from a family of 9 and 7!

Anyway, I’m sorry things don’t look the way you had hoped. Babies are the best and I wish for them too. I have fertility problems which is different from your situation but I can empathize with wishing to hold a baby again.

*sorry, I meant to say both sisters are close to mid 30’s, unmarried, but both WANT kids (not have)

[Anonymous]

Your kids are very young for you to know yet whether or not they’ll have kids. I had my kids at ages 30 and 32 and practically felt like a teen mom by the way people made comments about how young I was to be having kids. Only 1 out of a group of 10 of my friends had a kid as young as I did. A few of the group had kids in mid 30s but a few more are just now starting to have kids and we’re all now almost 40! Although I don’t regret having my kids when I did, I also see the benefits of waiting. Kids are so expensive and you really sacrifice a lot to be a parent (often making career sacrifices, especially for the women) that it makes sense to be more financially secure and more established in your career before having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are very young for you to know yet whether or not they’ll have kids. I had my kids at ages 30 and 32 and practically felt like a teen mom by the way people made comments about how young I was to be having kids. Only 1 out of a group of 10 of my friends had a kid as young as I did. A few of the group had kids in mid 30s but a few more are just now starting to have kids and we’re all now almost 40! Although I don’t regret having my kids when I did, I also see the benefits of waiting. Kids are so expensive and you really sacrifice a lot to be a parent (often making career sacrifices, especially for the women) that it makes sense to be more financially secure and more established in your career before having kids.

But I can. My kids aren't having kids, for sure. That ship sailed. It's a bummer, for sure. Yes, I understand it's their choice.

[Anonymous]

Y’all haven’t been reading the news. I would hate to bring a child into this world to end up on psychotic meds or be gunned down at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A shoutout to grandparents who enjoy showing off their grandkids. Read the room. There are people out there who are sad about not having grandkids.

Grandparents already had their kids. Nobody owes them anything. Read the room.

[Anonymous]

OP here - yes, my kids are in the midwest.
Two have already said they;re not having kids. I realize that could change.
But, that leaves me two - a 34 year old DD - not dating and my 35 year old son - dating, wants to marry and have a kid or two. But I'm not sure how successful the dating is going. He works exclusively from home and needs to really make an effort to get out there.
DD is not dating because she's ashamed of the way she looks and wants to lose weight first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, an adult child of yours may eventually marry. They may marry a widower or a divorcee. They may instantly become a step parent. There are many, many way you may end up being a Grandmother.

I wouldn't assume that a stepchild would gladly or willingly play the role of grandchild to some random person their parent marries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'll have any and I have 4 adult children. I imagine I'll need to grieve over the fact. It's not my kids' jobs to have children for me to enjoy.
And it's no one's business why they're not having any.
However, I thought my life would look a little different. We still have a big life that we enjoy. But, I thought it would include grandchildren.
Anyone else?

This is us, as well. And, while we also agree that this was not our kid's duty to provide grandchildren, totally agree, it changed everything about how we live, how we envisioned our lives at this point of our lives ( we loved having a family and were so looking forward to grandchildren and even great grandchildren). The knowledge that there will be no one living past our kids is also kind of sad. I come from a long history of immigrated refugees in the last century- fascinating stories, and it ends here. But that's part of the story, too, I guess .

The irony is that we would have been great at this. We are far more comfortable financially than we were years ago, and we would have been able to help out in all ways, even probably help with college$$. We would have loved that when our kids were young! We would be at recitals and games, trips, babysitting, vacations, everything.

We aren't the country club set, we aren't going between golf sets and tennis games. Our friends are active grandparents, our cousins are all involved with their families , and while we are busy (!) - we volunteer, we have plenty to do, but we wish there was the large family with kids and cousins and big family . It is heartbreaking, I will admit. I just decided that we have to accept it and reorganize. Sigh. I hear you, OP.

thank you and I'm so sorry!
The ironic part is us too.
Although we have a very big life, it could be that grandchildren won't be a part of it.

You keep saying this. What do you mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate this thread. I am not sure what will happen with my three children. One is gay and doesn’t want kids, second doesn’t want children or marriage, jury is out on the third. I go to an old lady water aerobics class and as I have gotten to know the ladies I am realizing that bragging about your grandchild is the old lady equivalent of “My Marvin is so gifted. Reading three grade levels ahead and the other day the teacher said. . “ It’s completely tone deaf, is just a way of bragging about yourself, it’s a weird flex etc. There are many
Other lovely women with a variety of family situation but they don’t continually broadcast it, just like people didn’t broadcast about their child’s dyslexia etc.

I'm so sorry you feel that way. My parents pretty much only talk about their grandchildren, but it's not to brag/flex. It's mostly that they don't have anything else exciting going on to talk about (the weather? their illnesses?). They're retired so they just centered their lives around grandkids. think most elderly people are like that and can't talk about other things.

This is hilariously insulting. Old people only have weather, their illnesses, and grandkids to talk about.

I’m a 61 year old grandparents, and it’s how I think and I’m not insulted about it. Once you reach a certain age you realize what’s most important.

I don’t know how you could have no other interest except the grandchildren and not stifle your child I’m trying to picture of mother-in-law who is not interested in anything else other than how I am raising my children and what I am feeding them and where we are going, and what we are doing. I would much rather have a mother-in-law who has a full life and isn’t trying to live vicariously through me, or micromanaging my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? People are having kids much later in life especially if they have careers. Your grandkids may still be coming but you need to give it some time. Until all your kids have either said "we're not having kids" or reach mid to late 40s I wouldn't rule it out.

ages 33 (she's married) and 31 - have said no kids
age 34 - she is not dating and doesn't want to but does talk about children at some point. Thinking about freezing eggs but has no money to do it. She just bought a house.
age 35 - he would like to be in a relationship and have kids but it doesn't appear to be happening, or at least it is casually.

so I guess it COULD happen later, but I think the odds are not good.

Lots could still happen. Come back in 10 years.

Agree. I think you are just out of touch with current timelines for when people are having kids. You probably imagined being a grandparent in your 60s-70s, but it may not happen until your 80s, if you are around.

[Anonymous]

My mom begged mr to have kids snd now sll she does os travel. If you want grandkids so bad be prepared to stop your life and take care of them.

People aren’t having kids because the village is too busy with their own lives. You claim you want to be a grandmother but are you going to cook and change diapers? This is not the 1960s. People are having kids later or not at all because There is more life to live than sitting in a house with a screaming baby. Grandparents should be sued for their lack of support. Stop pressuring people to have kids who you will only see once a week for an hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A shoutout to grandparents who enjoy showing off their grandkids. Read the room. There are people out there who are sad about not having grandkids.

Grandparents already had their kids. Nobody owes them anything. Read the room.

+1 and stop having more kids in hopes to have more grandkids. My aunt has 4 children and zero grandkids. My mom had 1 child with 3 grandkids…Aunt used to think she would have a big family legacy but things are pretty even now. Im fine if my kids dont have children.