No grandchildren

[Anonymous]

OP I'd definitely encourage therapy to grieve. I am sorry for this loss you feel.

While sure, they may be hope of late kids (especially if you have sons) I think the best thing to do is learn to process this in a healthy way. Your feelings do matter, but obviously don't supercede or dictate the choices of your children. So might as well accept it with some help.

My MIL has had a hard time grieving that her only daughter is childfree by choice (100%). We have one teen (so MIL has one grandchild but we do not live close). It has been sad for me to watch MIL say things like "Oh, son-in-law would be such a good stay at home dad, that must be their plan!" or "I noticed the way they look at your kid, they must be thinking about it" or "Son (my DH) will change his mind and you'll have more children I know it!" when in reality, absolutely none of those things were ever going to happen, and she had been directly told this many times. It would have been healthier for her and less irritating/painful for everyone else if she'd worked through the feelings earlier.

[Anonymous]

We got married young and had 4 kids. They're all in their 30s now, and two have kids and two don't and likely won't. I must agree -- I'd be sad if none of them did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? People are having kids much later in life especially if they have careers. Your grandkids may still be coming but you need to give it some time. Until all your kids have either said "we're not having kids" or reach mid to late 40s I wouldn't rule it out.

ages 33 (she's married) and 31 - have said no kids
age 34 - she is not dating and doesn't want to but does talk about children at some point. Thinking about freezing eggs but has no money to do it. She just bought a house.
age 35 - he would like to be in a relationship and have kids but it doesn't appear to be happening, or at least it is casually.

so I guess it COULD happen later, but I think the odds are not good.

You are out of touch with current dating/marriage timelines. If the 35 year old son wants to be married and have kids it can totally happen. In fact highly likely to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'd definitely encourage therapy to grieve. I am sorry for this loss you feel.

While sure, they may be hope of late kids (especially if you have sons) I think the best thing to do is learn to process this in a healthy way. Your feelings do matter, but obviously don't supercede or dictate the choices of your children. So might as well accept it with some help.

My MIL has had a hard time grieving that her only daughter is childfree by choice (100%). We have one teen (so MIL has one grandchild but we do not live close). It has been sad for me to watch MIL say things like "Oh, son-in-law would be such a good stay at home dad, that must be their plan!" or "I noticed the way they look at your kid, they must be thinking about it" or "Son (my DH) will change his mind and you'll have more children I know it!" when in reality, absolutely none of those things were ever going to happen, and she had been directly told this many times. It would have been healthier for her and less irritating/painful for everyone else if she'd worked through the feelings earlier.

I'd give anything to see just one thread that doesn't digress into MIL bashing.

[Anonymous]

I have to say this is an eye opening post. Do the kids in general don’t want any kids or are unable to have them? Maybe they are still young?

My kids are still young but I do hope they have kids in the future. I would love to be a grandparent someday and assume that will happen. Hearing so many kids don’t want kids of their own is an eye opener.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say this is an eye opening post. Do the kids in general don’t want any kids or are unable to have them? Maybe they are still young?

My kids are still young but I do hope they have kids in the future. I would love to be a grandparent someday and assume that will happen. Hearing so many kids don’t want kids of their own is an eye opener.

Sorry, just saw tgat OP did provide reasons for nit gaving grandchildren yet. Nevertheless, it still has to be somewhat disappointing.

[Anonymous]

I’m interested what you are all looking forward to specifically? What is in the picture you had in your mind? Maybe if you can pinpoint it there are ways to think about filling that desire another way. Or possibly you can realize well with grandkids that might not have happened anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? People are having kids much later in life especially if they have careers. Your grandkids may still be coming but you need to give it some time. Until all your kids have either said "we're not having kids" or reach mid to late 40s I wouldn't rule it out.

ages 33 (she's married) and 31 - have said no kids
age 34 - she is not dating and doesn't want to but does talk about children at some point. Thinking about freezing eggs but has no money to do it. She just bought a house.
age 35 - he would like to be in a relationship and have kids but it doesn't appear to be happening, or at least it is casually.

so I guess it COULD happen later, but I think the odds are not good.

Lots could still happen. Come back in 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Here is one anecdote.

5 adult children (cousins) from two siblings.

2 of the adult children (me and my sibling) had kids. 7 between the two of us. We are very, very busy. As our parents have gotten older and require a lot of help, it's been very difficult for sibling and I to manage but we've done our best. Constant juggling and I know my parents wish we were around and available more.

3 of the adult children (my 3 cousins), 2 out of 3 had no children. The 2 with no kids, I have never seen more devoted adult children in my entire life. They spend a ton of time with their remaining elderly parent. The remaining elderly parent is their clear #1 priority in life.

I know other cases of this too. The adult kids with no kids of their own really put a lot of energy into that family of origin/parent relationship.

[Anonymous]

A shoutout to grandparents who enjoy showing off their grandkids. Read the room. There are people out there who are sad about not having grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? People are having kids much later in life especially if they have careers. Your grandkids may still be coming but you need to give it some time. Until all your kids have either said "we're not having kids" or reach mid to late 40s I wouldn't rule it out.

ages 33 (she's married) and 31 - have said no kids
age 34 - she is not dating and doesn't want to but does talk about children at some point. Thinking about freezing eggs but has no money to do it. She just bought a house.
age 35 - he would like to be in a relationship and have kids but it doesn't appear to be happening, or at least it is casually.

so I guess it COULD happen later, but I think the odds are not good.

Lots could still happen. Come back in 10 years.

This was exactly what I was coming to say. I had several friends get married in their late 30s and have 2 kids in 2-3 years. Some of them felt hopeless at 35 only to have a completely different life at 40.

I do think it's good to make some peace with it not happening. What will your life look like when your kids are in their 40s? Also, I'd nurture your relationship with the 2 daughters who have already decided against it. They can be wonderful companions if you are already in a good spot.

[Anonymous]

OP, just to give you some hope. My older brother gave my Mom a grandchild when he was 37 (married) and I gave her one when I turned 40 (single mom by choice). So she now has 2 and almost didn't have any. I think especially in the DC area people do wait longer. I'd definitely encourage your daughter to freeze her eggs if she's interested in having a child at some point. I got VERY lucky with excellent fertility at 40 years old. Don't give up hope yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? People are having kids much later in life especially if they have careers. Your grandkids may still be coming but you need to give it some time. Until all your kids have either said "we're not having kids" or reach mid to late 40s I wouldn't rule it out.

ages 33 (she's married) and 31 - have said no kids
age 34 - she is not dating and doesn't want to but does talk about children at some point. Thinking about freezing eggs but has no money to do it. She just bought a house.
age 35 - he would like to be in a relationship and have kids but it doesn't appear to be happening, or at least it is casually.

so I guess it COULD happen later, but I think the odds are not good.

Lots could still happen. Come back in 10 years.

True, lots of people have a first in the late 30s (we had two after 35).

I'm curious though, do you 33 and 31 year old talk about why they don't want children? I'm hearing the same from friends who have kids in that age group and younger, so this is not unusual, and have to wonder what's going on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is one anecdote.

5 adult children (cousins) from two siblings.

2 of the adult children (me and my sibling) had kids. 7 between the two of us. We are very, very busy. As our parents have gotten older and require a lot of help, it's been very difficult for sibling and I to manage but we've done our best. Constant juggling and I know my parents wish we were around and available more.

3 of the adult children (my 3 cousins), 2 out of 3 had no children. The 2 with no kids, I have never seen more devoted adult children in my entire life. They spend a ton of time with their remaining elderly parent. The remaining elderly parent is their clear #1 priority in life.

I know other cases of this too. The adult kids with no kids of their own really put a lot of energy into that family of origin/parent relationship.

I’ve seen the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Do you know why the 2 who don’t want kids feel this way? If they don’t want to share or they do not want kids because they just don’t want them, then there is not much you can do.

But I know a lot of people these days are opting out of parenthood because it costs so much and is so hard on a career. If this is the case, do you have finances you could offer to help (e.g. if kid A mentions they are not having kids b/c of childcare costs in their city, offer to pay for daycare). You may not be able to do that, but a lot of parents are helping out their adult children financially because it has become so hard to have kids and live a decent lifestyle.

My parents helped with a house downpayment, provided some childcare help when my kids were young, treat to some vacations and take kids during the summer, helped out during my unpaid maternity leaves, etc. It’s a huge factor in why DH and I could have 3 kids and keep our 6 figure jobs and still have some semblance of a nice home/vacations/date nights.

I don’t blame people without family help for not wanting to fund all this on their own. The US has made having kids so untenable for the middle class. If you aren’t footing the bill at all, you can’t be too surprised.

Or maybe help your daughter freeze her eggs or even pursue single motherhood through donor sperm or adoption (also very $$$).