Both my husband and I have no friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you aren’t socially awkward? I have a coworker who is fat, ugly, and incredibly loud and abrasive. No one wants them around and I see them floundering around at social events, completely oblivious. Are you truly sure there isn’t something about you two that is putting people off?

Fat and ugly do not mean socially awkward. Perhaps your coworker behaves awkwardly because they know they are being judged.

No, of course it doesn’t but this person happens to be physically unappealing and also have an unappealing personality, so no one wants to be around them. I have heard many other people comment on this and actively try to avoid having this person tag along to lunch. My point was that OP and her husband are unappealing in some way that makes people avoid them.

[Anonymous]

Now that your kids are older what are their social experiences like? Are they asking to invite friends over? Do they get invited to friends houses?

If not, it's possible that you all have some neurodivergence traits that make socializing in a neurotyipcal world more challenging.

I have ADHD and am very introverted. I have always had friends am surface-level friendly but can only handle a small circle of 2-3 friends at a time. Everyone else is a friendly acquaintance. My DH is very extroverted and one of the reasons I married him was that I knew that polar opposition btwn us would probably balance us well over the long term. But if everyone in your house is operating on the same social wavelength you'll have to proactively learn to understand yourselves better to figure out what you need to do to meet others on their terms--or to meeet like-minded individuals and families.

I'm not saying you need to change--just to understand why you all operate the way that you do. To be honest I think a therapist or counselor would be helpful here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friends are overrated. If you find one decent, loyal friend in life hold on to them. They are a rare find.

Preach. For all the social butterflies here, how many of your ‘friends’ do you think would donate a kidney to you if you need it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friends are overrated. If you find one decent, loyal friend in life hold on to them. They are a rare find.

Preach. For all the social butterflies here, how many of your ‘friends’ do you think would donate a kidney to you if you need it?

I would not expect a friend to want to or be willing to sacrifice a kidney as a measure of friendship. We're all only human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friends are overrated. If you find one decent, loyal friend in life hold on to them. They are a rare find.

Preach. For all the social butterflies here, how many of your ‘friends’ do you think would donate a kidney to you if you need it?

I would not expect a friend to want to or be willing to sacrifice a kidney as a measure of friendship. We're all only human.

I have fantastic girlfriends but wouldn’t expect this of them. Family, yes, they would.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you white?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now that your kids are older what are their social experiences like? Are they asking to invite friends over? Do they get invited to friends houses?

If not, it's possible that you all have some neurodivergence traits that make socializing in a neurotyipcal world more challenging.

I have ADHD and am very introverted. I have always had friends am surface-level friendly but can only handle a small circle of 2-3 friends at a time. Everyone else is a friendly acquaintance. My DH is very extroverted and one of the reasons I married him was that I knew that polar opposition btwn us would probably balance us well over the long term. But if everyone in your house is operating on the same social wavelength you'll have to proactively learn to understand yourselves better to figure out what you need to do to meet others on their terms--or to meeet like-minded individuals and families.

I'm not saying you need to change--just to understand why you all operate the way that you do. To be honest I think a therapist or counselor would be helpful here.

Very true.

The absent minded professors and introverts aren’t the social butterflies. They’ll tag along and change convos to their special interest or work all the time, but they are connecting with people. Often they’re lecturing or just sitting there. Missing opportunities to say: Yeah let’s all go see that movie together! Or, Let’s sign up for some camp weeks together! Let’s go see a game in that day off! Sounds like yours busy, drop the kids off at our place that day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite invite invite. Eventually you will click with someone.

I am an inviter and this is how I have most of my adult friends. I relentlessly include people in activities and they sometimes, but not always include me back. I’ve actually experienced a lot of “friend rejection” this way, so I think having a bit of a thick skin is helpful. It’s funny how uncomfortable it is being rejected by a prospective friend especially if they don’t put some work in to let you down easy!

One of the groups I connected actually morphed into a bit of a clique and now I’m trying to enjoy people in it 1:1 rather than a group since I don’t enjoy the clique dynamic. I love a good group sometimes, but I don't’ want to feel “exclusive” with a group where it feels like it fosters a left out dynamic for others. Just not my thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something is wrong with OP and her husband if they have no friends after staying here for 15 years.

I don’t think so. I grew up in Northern Virginia and my parents never had any friends, other than coworkers who lived far, far away and they never got together with outside work. They both grew up in tight knit communities where everyone knew everyone. They each had close friends in high school and college. But they lived in the DC area for almost 25 years and never really made friends there. They’re retired now, left the area and they have friends now in their 70s. There’s something about the DC rat race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

They do not have local family. Very common in this area. Not all families are close. I do not know why people are acting like this is unusual for two working parents not from this area. It is not that unusual. This area is a grind.

I sort of agree with you, but the fact that his coworkers exclude him from lunches and other functions tells me there’s something socially awkward about him. I know that may sound mean, but most people are able to make some sort of work friendship after being there for many years. Even if it is just to go with a group to lunch.

Maybe he does not want to. I don't socialize with people at work. I am a woman. It is less likely for a man to do that. My ex husband would NEVER socialize with coworkers. He is not interested. I understand that completely.

Huh??This entire thread is about the woman and her husband, who want to socialize! He wouldn’t give a damn if he was excluded if he didn’t care.

I married into a family on the spectrum.
They aren’t social and they don’t have friends; they are homebodies- don’t care to eat out, never vacation to new places or anywhere, never had their kids do sports or activities, don’t have many interests. It doesn’t bother them.
They’ve had no friends for 40 years now so think that’s normal. That’s their normal.
They even make fun of people who do go to soccer or follow sports or try new beach islands or decorate their house for the holidays. That’s wayyyyyy too much work and effort for them to handle.

Similar to Op they somewhat know the socially acceptable response when asked things. Like they know they should decorate for Xmas. They know they should have some friends. But they make excuses and blame others. They do saw awkward things which may or may not turn others off. They’re family now so then asking why I take my kids ti soccer (5 mins away), or decorate the outside of my house when my Chinese neighbor doesn’t, or how do I really know this is Condé Naste Top 10 beach if I haven’t been to the other 9, etc. They like to fixate on a Word or definition, and argue it; then everything unravels socially.
Do people want to hang out with others and have constant misunderstandings? Not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now that your kids are older what are their social experiences like? Are they asking to invite friends over? Do they get invited to friends houses?

If not, it's possible that you all have some neurodivergence traits that make socializing in a neurotyipcal world more challenging.

I have ADHD and am very introverted. I have always had friends am surface-level friendly but can only handle a small circle of 2-3 friends at a time. Everyone else is a friendly acquaintance. My DH is very extroverted and one of the reasons I married him was that I knew that polar opposition btwn us would probably balance us well over the long term. But if everyone in your house is operating on the same social wavelength you'll have to proactively learn to understand yourselves better to figure out what you need to do to meet others on their terms--or to meeet like-minded individuals and families.

I'm not saying you need to change--just to understand why you all operate the way that you do. To be honest I think a therapist or counselor would be helpful here.

Very true.

The absent minded professors and introverts aren’t the social butterflies. They’ll tag along and change convos to their special interest or work all the time, but they are connecting with people. Often they’re lecturing or just sitting there. Missing opportunities to say: Yeah let’s all go see that movie together! Or, Let’s sign up for some camp weeks together! Let’s go see a game in that day off! Sounds like yours busy, drop the kids off at our place that day!

PP you're quoting.

I will also add that if the OP is from another country, from a social perspective it's even harder being neurodivergent in the US than many other countries bc Americans can be aggressively polite/friendly compared to a lot of places. If they were living in, say, Germany, they might not have any social problems at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is wrong with OP and her husband if they have no friends after staying here for 15 years.

I don’t think so. I grew up in Northern Virginia and my parents never had any friends, other than coworkers who lived far, far away and they never got together with outside work. They both grew up in tight knit communities where everyone knew everyone. They each had close friends in high school and college. But they lived in the DC area for almost 25 years and never really made friends there. They’re retired now, left the area and they have friends now in their 70s. There’s something about the DC rat race.

We've made good friends wherever we have lived, and still keep in touch. Just not in the DC area. We've also been here 15 years, white, middle aged, and it's been difficult. Right now I am trying to find a church where we may have more luck.

At this rate we don't plan to retire here.

[Anonymous]

OP, who were all the people that you invited to your Halloween parties and July 4th BBQs?

Also, you remind me of someone I know who seems to have low self esteem and thinks no one ever likes her. She lives in my neighborhood, and she is friendly, trim, smart, etc. I've gone on several walks with her. And she'll tell me on those walks that she thinks people don't include her in things because she's a person of color (coincidentally, she's Indian like another person asked upthread). And that is absolutely preposterous!

She just comes across as pretty insecure and it's a turnoff. On one of our first walks we saw someone that we both knew and I asked her how she knew this person. And she went on to tell me how she doesn't think that person likes her. She once (out of the blue) asked me to drive her child home from sports practice because she didn't feel it was safe for him to walk home (in a neighborhood where kids walk everywhere and he was in middle school). So she is just enough awkwardly out there.

She is a nice person with a kind heart and I like to walk with her once in awhile, and I'd get a cup of coffee with her. But I can see why she'd have trouble making friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think DH has no friends because he doesn't want friends. He doesn't want to watch sports games with guys. But he should. If someone asks him to watch a game, he should say sure! and just pretend he is interested. He shouldn't say "I've never watched a game!" Just say "I've missed a lot of games working, been nuts at the office." He needs to play the game so to speak.

[Anonymous]

You’re not missing anything.