Both my husband and I have no friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How were you raised? Did you see your parents entertaining and hosting a lot? Were you invited to a lot of dos? We have a large social circle and some close friends. I like to have people over. Most people will attend but never reciprocate and that is a-ok.

For me to host people I need to put aside time, effort and resources. Hosting also requires a mindset and skillset. It is a culmination how functional your marriage, family life, finances, social upbringing, health, household, network, social status and organizing ability is. There is a reason that the rich will hire party organizers and caterers to host their parties, because it is time consuming.

We do not care if people do not reciprocate because most people are not capable of reciprocating. They are short of money, time, have other priorities, cannot cook, cannot clean, are busy with work, are depressed, have a small house, do not have the infrastructure, are low energy or are not socialized for entertaining. We are grateful that people can take the time to come for our events. Are you capable of being the person who hosts potlucks or low cost pizza parties? Would you be ok hosting a tea party or a book club? And would you be ok if you never get invited back?

NP

This is so lovely to see. I bet you’re an excellent friend and neighbor. My parents didn’t host much, and I have a small house. I definitely see myself in this, though we did host things 4-6 times a year. I’d like to do more now and feel a bit stuck. Your post gives me ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How were you raised? Did you see your parents entertaining and hosting a lot? Were you invited to a lot of dos? We have a large social circle and some close friends. I like to have people over. Most people will attend but never reciprocate and that is a-ok.

For me to host people I need to put aside time, effort and resources. Hosting also requires a mindset and skillset. It is a culmination how functional your marriage, family life, finances, social upbringing, health, household, network, social status and organizing ability is. There is a reason that the rich will hire party organizers and caterers to host their parties, because it is time consuming.

We do not care if people do not reciprocate because most people are not capable of reciprocating. They are short of money, time, have other priorities, cannot cook, cannot clean, are busy with work, are depressed, have a small house, do not have the infrastructure, are low energy or are not socialized for entertaining. We are grateful that people can take the time to come for our events. Are you capable of being the person who hosts potlucks or low cost pizza parties? Would you be ok hosting a tea party or a book club? And would you be ok if you never get invited back?

NP

This is so lovely to see. I bet you’re an excellent friend and neighbor. My parents didn’t host much, and I have a small house. I definitely see myself in this, though we did host things 4-6 times a year. I’d like to do more now and feel a bit stuck. Your post gives me ideas.

To the original PP, it sounds like you host people just to show off. I wouldn’t like having you for a friend based on your high and mighty ‘I have resources and you don’t’ attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How were you raised? Did you see your parents entertaining and hosting a lot? Were you invited to a lot of dos? We have a large social circle and some close friends. I like to have people over. Most people will attend but never reciprocate and that is a-ok.

For me to host people I need to put aside time, effort and resources. Hosting also requires a mindset and skillset. It is a culmination how functional your marriage, family life, finances, social upbringing, health, household, network, social status and organizing ability is. There is a reason that the rich will hire party organizers and caterers to host their parties, because it is time consuming.

We do not care if people do not reciprocate because most people are not capable of reciprocating. They are short of money, time, have other priorities, cannot cook, cannot clean, are busy with work, are depressed, have a small house, do not have the infrastructure, are low energy or are not socialized for entertaining. We are grateful that people can take the time to come for our events. Are you capable of being the person who hosts potlucks or low cost pizza parties? Would you be ok hosting a tea party or a book club? And would you be ok if you never get invited back?

NP

This is so lovely to see. I bet you’re an excellent friend and neighbor. My parents didn’t host much, and I have a small house. I definitely see myself in this, though we did host things 4-6 times a year. I’d like to do more now and feel a bit stuck. Your post gives me ideas.

To the original PP, it sounds like you host people just to show off. I wouldn’t like having you for a friend based on your high and mighty ‘I have resources and you don’t’ attitude.

That's not how it came across to me. It's giving grace to people . . . understanding that their not reciprocating isn't because they don't like you but because life gets in the way. It's a generous way to view one's friends and it allows you to bring different things to the table in your friendships. Not everyone has to be the super host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to say, my DH and I have friends, while we are both somewhat awkward (ADHD, both) but also we drink and live in the city. This is good/bad/neutral depending on your POV, but drinking brings people together. Drinking is also very bad for human bodies, especially if you do it daily for tens of years out of a life expectancy of 70-80.

That's the sort of thing I contemplate. My friends are really good we do vacations, get kids together, create community. We also are mostly functional alchohol abusers with excellent jobs and enough money not to worry.

There are others, above my class, who enjoy the above as well as happiness, health, functional relationships, etc. Raised by actual loving, healthy people. The ones I see jogging when I'm hungover. I am assuming they also have amazing friendships too.

Other factors: living in a place for an amount of time. Taking the initiative to get involved. Joining, being a member of a hobby group. Giving, taking time to give what you can to your community. It's how to meet people, improve yourself, and help others. Even drunks can manage that.

I’ve thought about this, too. We used to drink way too much but made friends in the process. This was back when the kids were staring school and we were meeting school families. Drunken game nights, drunken dinner parties, drunken moms nights out. I’m not encouraging this, but if OP and her DH are dry, maybe that’s why he doesn’t get invited to office social events?

So if you guys drink together. Does that mean you can rely on these people to like? Maybe pick you up when you have a surgery? Cuz That's the problem i'm having. My friends can drink all day with me. But they can't offer to do something like this. Also, they can't celebrate my birthday. They are not interested in when it is. They can't celebrate holidays with me. The only time we spend together is while we are getting intoxicated. I don't consider this a friend. I can walk into any dive bar and start buying drinks for people and immediately. Have people to hang out with until the bar closes. That is the nature of an alcoholic. I'm not interested in sitting around with people who want to become intoxicated and need someone else who is also becoming intoxicated to keep them company while doing so. That to me is not a friend. Or like I said that friend is available under any rock around any corner leaned up against any building in any skid row. Also I don't like to be around people when they are intoxicated. They can't be relied on for anything: If I fall and break my arms. They can't drive me to the Hospital. What good of a friend is that? So i'm confused here as to what you guys mean by "friends"? It's definitely not what was meant by friends in the friend's tv show "I'll be there for you?" Ummm....no, more like I won't be there for you cuz im too drunk.

[Anonymous]

We have this problem and it’s because we don’t have the ability to host events. I also don’t have tons of time outside of work and taking care of my family to join adult extracurricular activities.

[Anonymous]

I can relate, OP. We had a few good friends pre-pandemic, then everyone moved away. Then we moved, too, and now we’re starting fresh and it’s hard. People are busy or they just don’t want to put in the effort. I’ve given up on finding mom friends. I just can’t break into cliques and other moms are too busy. They want reciprocate, but it often feels like we’ll most likely see each other when we’re ten years older and the kids are off to college. So, I focus on work and cultivating ties there. The moms at the school bus stop won’t even talk to me. What can you do.

[Anonymous]

Here's a suggestion: Don't limit yourself to seeking out only friends the same age as you.

There are so many active seniors in the DVM who would LOVE to have people or a family to "adopt" and become friends with. Maybe look into one of the grandparent programs.

Some of the best friends, and best advice, I got during my 40s were with women who were older than me.

[Anonymous]

You have to invite people to things and basically always go, if possible when they invite you. People are busy. Usually if you blow them off you will never hear from them again. My child is autistic and does not enjoy nor really know how to participate in play dates. So I’ve also forced myself to be more open minded with befriending any family that seems to enjoy his company. I also volunteer at his school and attend any either personally attend or send my spouse or mother to any event where parents are welcome. Which I would not do if he were NT. And being a familiar face has helped somewhat in getting to know other people.

That said in terms of close friends that I share my emotions with I haven’t made a new friend like that in probably decades.

[Anonymous]

OP, people are visual (especially in the DMV) and they also expect to be marketed to in super-savvy ways. You and DH need to try some fun, out of the box ways to make friends and the first step in doing that is announcing you guys are in the market for fabulous new friends. For about 20 bucks you can have a baseball hat or t-shirt made with a fun slogan printed on it, maybe it’s: Will U Hear My Plea and Befriend Me? Doesn’t have to be that, but that’s the idea. The idea is to call it out(!) and address the 600-pound gorilla in their room. Friends are out there and they care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are visual (especially in the DMV) and they also expect to be marketed to in super-savvy ways. You and DH need to try some fun, out of the box ways to make friends and the first step in doing that is announcing you guys are in the market for fabulous new friends. For about 20 bucks you can have a baseball hat or t-shirt made with a fun slogan printed on it, maybe it’s: Will U Hear My Plea and Befriend Me? Doesn’t have to be that, but that’s the idea. The idea is to call it out(!) and address the 600-pound gorilla in their room. Friends are out there and they care.

What?!? That’s ridiculous. My DH would totally fall for this it’s still ridiculous!!!

[Anonymous]

I was in this position. I work too much. It is not lack of likeability. It was a lack of time. Divorced. The good thing about it is that no one really noticed because we didn’t have family friends because we don’t live nearby and we never had a couple friends. We just went back to our few friends we had before we were a couple. (that we both rarely see because of just being too busy with kids.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happened to your friends from college and grad school?

I am not the original poster, but I don’t have any friends from college or grad school because I was working 40 hours a week while I went to college and I was also working 40 hours a week when I went to grad school, so there were no friendships to be made.

[Anonymous]

Another zombie thread, folks. Close to a year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to say, my DH and I have friends, while we are both somewhat awkward (ADHD, both) but also we drink and live in the city. This is good/bad/neutral depending on your POV, but drinking brings people together. Drinking is also very bad for human bodies, especially if you do it daily for tens of years out of a life expectancy of 70-80.

That's the sort of thing I contemplate. My friends are really good we do vacations, get kids together, create community. We also are mostly functional alchohol abusers with excellent jobs and enough money not to worry.

There are others, above my class, who enjoy the above as well as happiness, health, functional relationships, etc. Raised by actual loving, healthy people. The ones I see jogging when I'm hungover. I am assuming they also have amazing friendships too.

Other factors: living in a place for an amount of time. Taking the initiative to get involved. Joining, being a member of a hobby group. Giving, taking time to give what you can to your community. It's how to meet people, improve yourself, and help others. Even drunks can manage that.

I’ve thought about this, too. We used to drink way too much but made friends in the process. This bviwas back when the kids were staring school and we were meeting school families. Drunken game nights, drunken dinner parties, drunken moms nights out. I’m not encouraging this, but if OP and her DH are dry, maybe that’s why he doesn’t get invited to office social events?

Yeah, this is it. Of course it's easy to have fun and "click" when everyone is drinking. I was a single parent for years so I couldn't drink because I was always on the clock, and socializing became literal hell. I would get waves of anxiety that made it impossible to enjoy being around people and vice versa. I was raised around a lot of drinking and I just can't do that to my kids. I have one teen left at home. Then, as an old woman, I will be free to drink again and enjoy all the socializing that is so easy when one drinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to say, my DH and I have friends, while we are both somewhat awkward (ADHD, both) but also we drink and live in the city. This is good/bad/neutral depending on your POV, but drinking brings people together. Drinking is also very bad for human bodies, especially if you do it daily for tens of years out of a life expectancy of 70-80.

That's the sort of thing I contemplate. My friends are really good we do vacations, get kids together, create community. We also are mostly functional alchohol abusers with excellent jobs and enough money not to worry.

There are others, above my class, who enjoy the above as well as happiness, health, functional relationships, etc. Raised by actual loving, healthy people. The ones I see jogging when I'm hungover. I am assuming they also have amazing friendships too.

Other factors: living in a place for an amount of time. Taking the initiative to get involved. Joining, being a member of a hobby group. Giving, taking time to give what you can to your community. It's how to meet people, improve yourself, and help others. Even drunks can manage that.

This is quite possibly the finest piece of writing I’ve ever seen on the mommy group.
Thank you

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