Both my husband and I have no friends

[Anonymous]

People on DCUM always say it’s so hard to make friends in DC but I strongly disagree. I work, have small kids and am also extremely socially awkward but I have had no problem making friends in each phase of life so far, and keeping friends, too. There must be something you aren’t picking up on OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also the way you talk about men as if the only things other husbands like are beer, men, cars, sports is so one -dimensional/stereotypical. Does DH seriously think that is what men only like? People are a lot more interesting than that. Honestly, your DH sounds like he is full of himself.

+1 my husband doesn’t like any of those things and he has friends.

[Anonymous]

I never had friends like I did when I was 13-23 Does anybody?

They are all still my true friends and I don’t have space for any more with that level of trust and sincerity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Our social circle definitely shrunk during the pandemic, though I don't think I'd even call it a social circle--it was a few moms from preschool that I'd do playdates with occasionally, but we lost touch during the pandemic. I realized that they probably weren't even real friends since we went three years without seeing each other. Or rather I tried to keep in touch but they didn't seem interested so I stopped reaching out and they never reached back out. I always seem to be the person who no one ever really thinks about contacting.

I think about moving often, but DH doesn't want to do it and says that there's no guarantee we would make friends or things would be better socially for us in a new place. I do think he's right about that. But I realized recently that if we did move, there's no one I would even miss, since we never really made friends here and have zero community or village here. That's pretty sad after living in a new place for over 15 years.

We're not going to move to the places where our families are, for various reasons. So I think we're stuck here until the kids go to college, but this area has never felt like home to me since we have no community or village here. I don't know how to make it feel more like home. After the kids go to college we plan to retire somewhere else.

Are you an older mom? I feel left out a lot of school-related social things because I'm 5-10 years older than some of the other moms of my youngest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you white?

I'd like to know this too - I am not white (although my husband is), and I definitely have a harder time making and keeping friends with the white families at my kids' schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It probably is a vibe or energy thing. I have been in therapy about this issue of not having friends and I never got anywhere with it as the therapist never had any insights for me or suggestions. The therapist would always say, "it sounds like you're doing everything right, and I don't know why you're not having success socially."

How would I be able to figure out what the vibe thing is? I've often asked my husband if I put out some kind of negative vibe or whatever when he sees me in social situations and he always says no. I don't have anyone else to ask honestly since I don't really have any good friends. We're both pretty normal so it is puzzling.

Interestingly, neither of my parents has friends either and never has. My in-laws are more social and have friends.

are you intense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you white?

I'd like to know this too - I am not white (although my husband is), and I definitely have a harder time making and keeping friends with the white families at my kids' schools.

NP - agree. We are POCs and also have trouble making beyond acquaintance-level friendships in my mostly white UMC neighborhood. Maybe OP is in the same boat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you aren’t socially awkward? I have a coworker who is fat, ugly, and incredibly loud and abrasive. No one wants them around and I see them floundering around at social events, completely oblivious. Are you truly sure there isn’t something about you two that is putting people off?

Rude. Fat and ugly wouldn’t stop me from being someone’s friend, but loud and abrasive would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friends are overrated. If you find one decent, loyal friend in life hold on to them. They are a rare find.

Preach. For all the social butterflies here, how many of your ‘friends’ do you think would donate a kidney to you if you need it?

Oh, so you make friends with only people whp will give you a kidney? Does it mean that every one can have only one friend because they have only one kidney to give? Do you think parents will give their kids a kidney? Same parents who do not pay for college or who charge their kids rent?

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you will ever have friends. It seems that your parents were not great role models for being social and doing the polite social niceties, and you have not learned how to have a social circle. It is a lot of effort and you sound disinterested in doing any effort for others. It is fine. Embrace that you are friendless. You and your DH have each other, you have your job and you have children, so you are basically ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you aren’t socially awkward? I have a coworker who is fat, ugly, and incredibly loud and abrasive. No one wants them around and I see them floundering around at social events, completely oblivious. Are you truly sure there isn’t something about you two that is putting people off?

Rude. Fat and ugly wouldn’t stop me from being someone’s friend, but loud and abrasive would.

Yeah, the kind of person who comments on other people being fat and ugly would send me running. A person's looks would not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is wrong with OP and her husband if they have no friends after staying here for 15 years.

I don’t think so. I grew up in Northern Virginia and my parents never had any friends, other than coworkers who lived far, far away and they never got together with outside work. They both grew up in tight knit communities where everyone knew everyone. They each had close friends in high school and college. But they lived in the DC area for almost 25 years and never really made friends there. They’re retired now, left the area and they have friends now in their 70s. There’s something about the DC rat race.

Your parents sound very insular. It does not matter that their coworkers lived far away, did they not have neighbors that they could be friends with? Imagine being somewhere for 25 years and not making friends. It is chilling to me.

I am a non-White, non-Christian immigrant who loves DMV. I have made friends from all races. My own parents were very social and I grew up learning how to be a good host and good guest. They taught us how to make friends and nurture friendships. I wanted to replicate that same environment of a bustling household for my kids.

Do you have friends or are you following in the footsteps of your parents too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It probably is a vibe or energy thing. I have been in therapy about this issue of not having friends and I never got anywhere with it as the therapist never had any insights for me or suggestions. The therapist would always say, "it sounds like you're doing everything right, and I don't know why you're not having success socially."

How would I be able to figure out what the vibe thing is? I've often asked my husband if I put out some kind of negative vibe or whatever when he sees me in social situations and he always says no. I don't have anyone else to ask honestly since I don't really have any good friends. We're both pretty normal so it is puzzling.

Interestingly, neither of my parents has friends either and never has. My in-laws are more social and have friends.

are you intense?

Sounds like some kind of lack of self awareness or mindblindness, or cultural thing. I mean a therapist only knows what you choose to tell them, it’s not as if they’re monitoring the playground or running social interaction studies. You don’t know what you don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you aren’t socially awkward? I have a coworker who is fat, ugly, and incredibly loud and abrasive. No one wants them around and I see them floundering around at social events, completely oblivious. Are you truly sure there isn’t something about you two that is putting people off?

Rude. Fat and ugly wouldn’t stop me from being someone’s friend, but loud and abrasive would.

Yeah, the kind of person who comments on other people being fat and ugly would send me running. A person's looks would not.

Lol. I’m not commenting on people being fat and ugly in real life, I’m not an idiot. I have friends and people to eat lunch with at work. But I can think whatever I want in the privacy of my own head. I will also be friends with someone unattractive who has a great personality. But let’s all not kid ourselves about looks, which are the first impression we get of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, who were all the people that you invited to your Halloween parties and July 4th BBQs?

Also, you remind me of someone I know who seems to have low self esteem and thinks no one ever likes her. She lives in my neighborhood, and she is friendly, trim, smart, etc. I've gone on several walks with her. And she'll tell me on those walks that she thinks people don't include her in things because she's a person of color (coincidentally, she's Indian like another person asked upthread). And that is absolutely preposterous!

She just comes across as pretty insecure and it's a turnoff. On one of our first walks we saw someone that we both knew and I asked her how she knew this person. And she went on to tell me how she doesn't think that person likes her. She once (out of the blue) asked me to drive her child home from sports practice because she didn't feel it was safe for him to walk home (in a neighborhood where kids walk everywhere and he was in middle school). So she is just enough awkwardly out there.

She is a nice person with a kind heart and I like to walk with her once in awhile, and I'd get a cup of coffee with her. But I can see why she'd have trouble making friends.

There could be some truth in what she’s saying.