Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is a total a**hole if…

It’s been less than 12 months since your mother passed away

It’s been less than 24 months since your mother passed, and it’s not a milestone birthday for his mother

If neither of the above, you should probably suck it up OP

24 months?! Even the Victorians had a shorter period of mourning for parents. One year.

Really a few weeks is all you get to be in crisis mode. Life moves fast and it keeps going. Sure you get some time but not a lot. Everyone's parents die. Including the MIL. Celebrate the dead but also the living. Really if it was a few weeks I would buy not doing anything. But even a month or two? For the grandmother of your children. Suck it up and get with the program.

"Suck it up and get with the program"? Oh, my. Please learn compassion. Why be so cold?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is a total a**hole if…

It’s been less than 12 months since your mother passed away

It’s been less than 24 months since your mother passed, and it’s not a milestone birthday for his mother

If neither of the above, you should probably suck it up OP

24 months?! Even the Victorians had a shorter period of mourning for parents. One year.

Really a few weeks is all you get to be in crisis mode. Life moves fast and it keeps going. Sure you get some time but not a lot. Everyone's parents die. Including the MIL. Celebrate the dead but also the living. Really if it was a few weeks I would buy not doing anything. But even a month or two? For the grandmother of your children. Suck it up and get with the program.

"Suck it up and get with the program"? Oh, my. Please learn compassion. Why be so cold?

Because life is cold. And to do anything else will brand yourself as a nut case with DH's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore all these judgey op’s saying you should suck it up and go. I suspect they just envy how close you were to your mom. Let them judge, not everyone is close with their parents and are capable of empathizing.

Also, I know I will get a lot of flack for this but dcum skews wealthy and affluent. And there’s been many solid studies that show that as people gain wealth, they lose empathy. I would not take responses here as a reflection of how the average person would respond.

Empathy is for MIL who is alive.

IT’S ONE BIRTHDAY, PEOPLE. MIL wil survive if ONE of her family members are not able to attend this ONE birthday party. She really will. I promise. OP is not proposing to cut MIL out of her life forever because her mother died. She is saying it would be difficult for her to attend a birthday party and celebrate her MIL’s bday right after her mother’s death.

Seriously who are you people?

I suppose if you are in a family where people skip family events this would work. In my family no one misses any event unless they are out of town or have something competing. In our family it would be viewed as odd to miss. And it is not just one birthday party if DH and sister are spending so much time planning.

[Anonymous]

How very interesting that OP has *still* not answered the simple questions of:
a) When did your mother pass;
b) And when is this party

Because if OP's mom passed away in October and her party is not until July, I would council her to tell DH she can't *plan* the party, but she should wait and see how she feels in like, June, before deciding she's not attending.

If her mom passed away in October and the party is the first week of January, then I'd say go ahead and tell your husband you know you can't handle attending, and get that conversation out of your head and over with so you don't have to worry about.

See why this information is important?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How very interesting that OP has *still* not answered the simple questions of:
a) When did your mother pass;
b) And when is this party

Because if OP's mom passed away in October and her party is not until July, I would council her to tell DH she can't *plan* the party, but she should wait and see how she feels in like, June, before deciding she's not attending.

If her mom passed away in October and the party is the first week of January, then I'd say go ahead and tell your husband you know you can't handle attending, and get that conversation out of your head and over with so you don't have to worry about.

See why this information is important?

She can skip planning. But even if October death she likely needs to go to a January party.

What am I missing? You ignore all other mothers and events for other mothers for months? That is just crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How very interesting that OP has *still* not answered the simple questions of:
a) When did your mother pass;
b) And when is this party

Because if OP's mom passed away in October and her party is not until July, I would council her to tell DH she can't *plan* the party, but she should wait and see how she feels in like, June, before deciding she's not attending.

If her mom passed away in October and the party is the first week of January, then I'd say go ahead and tell your husband you know you can't handle attending, and get that conversation out of your head and over with so you don't have to worry about.

See why this information is important?

But it’s not. Everyone has their own timeline for grief. It doesn’t have to exactly follow yours for it to be acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How very interesting that OP has *still* not answered the simple questions of:
a) When did your mother pass;
b) And when is this party

Because if OP's mom passed away in October and her party is not until July, I would council her to tell DH she can't *plan* the party, but she should wait and see how she feels in like, June, before deciding she's not attending.

If her mom passed away in October and the party is the first week of January, then I'd say go ahead and tell your husband you know you can't handle attending, and get that conversation out of your head and over with so you don't have to worry about.

See why this information is important?

This is a good point. OP might not want to help with the planking for an event that’s close her her mom’s death, but she should be able to attend an event next July.

But also, OP’s stance comes off as somehow jealous/resentful that her MIL is still alive. At least, that’s how it’s going to be interpreted. OP needs grief therapy, and a good therapist who can help her understand that MIL’s life does not diminish her own mom’s death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How very interesting that OP has *still* not answered the simple questions of:
a) When did your mother pass;
b) And when is this party

Because if OP's mom passed away in October and her party is not until July, I would council her to tell DH she can't *plan* the party, but she should wait and see how she feels in like, June, before deciding she's not attending.

If her mom passed away in October and the party is the first week of January, then I'd say go ahead and tell your husband you know you can't handle attending, and get that conversation out of your head and over with so you don't have to worry about.

See why this information is important?

But it’s not. Everyone has their own timeline for grief. It doesn’t have to exactly follow yours for it to be acceptable.

You don't think it's reasonable to advise someone--who is literally asking for advice--to wait and see how they feel closer to July to make a decision about a thing happening in July?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore all these judgey op’s saying you should suck it up and go. I suspect they just envy how close you were to your mom. Let them judge, not everyone is close with their parents and are capable of empathizing.

Also, I know I will get a lot of flack for this but dcum skews wealthy and affluent. And there’s been many solid studies that show that as people gain wealth, they lose empathy. I would not take responses here as a reflection of how the average person would respond.

Empathy is for MIL who is alive.

IT’S ONE BIRTHDAY, PEOPLE. MIL wil survive if ONE of her family members are not able to attend this ONE birthday party. She really will. I promise. OP is not proposing to cut MIL out of her life forever because her mother died. She is saying it would be difficult for her to attend a birthday party and celebrate her MIL’s bday right after her mother’s death.

Seriously who are you people?

I suppose if you are in a family where people skip family events this would work. In my family no one misses any event unless they are out of town or have something competing. In our family it would be viewed as odd to miss. And it is not just one birthday party if DH and sister are spending so much time planning.

Yeah. She DOES have something competing with the event. Her grief. I honest to goodness can not understand how a family would not understand that the spouse is not feeling up for acting happy-go-lucky and putting on a fake smile for her MIL at her big lavish birthday party, right after her mother's death. If they would judge her for that, I'm sure they would also be judgemental that she could not scrounge up a happy face at the party for a measly 3 hours, and was instead crying in the bathroom 1 hour into the party.

[Anonymous]

I suppose it's worth noting that OP didn't complain about having to attend the party. She complained about having to be involved in planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore all these judgey op’s saying you should suck it up and go. I suspect they just envy how close you were to your mom. Let them judge, not everyone is close with their parents and are capable of empathizing.

Also, I know I will get a lot of flack for this but dcum skews wealthy and affluent. And there’s been many solid studies that show that as people gain wealth, they lose empathy. I would not take responses here as a reflection of how the average person would respond.

Empathy is for MIL who is alive.

IT’S ONE BIRTHDAY, PEOPLE. MIL wil survive if ONE of her family members are not able to attend this ONE birthday party. She really will. I promise. OP is not proposing to cut MIL out of her life forever because her mother died. She is saying it would be difficult for her to attend a birthday party and celebrate her MIL’s bday right after her mother’s death.

Seriously who are you people?

I suppose if you are in a family where people skip family events this would work. In my family no one misses any event unless they are out of town or have something competing. In our family it would be viewed as odd to miss. And it is not just one birthday party if DH and sister are spending so much time planning.

Yeah. She DOES have something competing with the event. Her grief. I honest to goodness can not understand how a family would not understand that the spouse is not feeling up for acting happy-go-lucky and putting on a fake smile for her MIL at her big lavish birthday party, right after her mother's death. If they would judge her for that, I'm sure they would also be judgemental that she could not scrounge up a happy face at the party for a measly 3 hours, and was instead crying in the bathroom 1 hour into the party.

The issue is, what does MIL have to do with OP’s grief? Nothing. OP’s MIL’s continued existence doesn’t take anything away from OP’s grief for her mom. As another pp put it, is OP going to avoid every event involving mothers? The only connection would, superficially, seem to be that OP is jealous of her DH and his mother, at least that’s how it would be interpreted. OP needs a good grief counselor who can help her separate these two individuals.

[Anonymous]

Not going to the party at all is so over the top if the party is not within a month of OP's mother's death. My best friend missed my baby shower 3 days after she miscarried. No-brainer. Missing a (presumably milestone) birthday party of MIL because OP's own mom died sort of (by party time) recently? No. I am good with OP telling her DH she won't plan--but she needs to use her words. Is there any indication that she has said it is too painful and he is demanding she help? Not that I saw.

[Anonymous]

People are so damn impatient these days. Even for grief to be over and done with. What a world we live in. Well, OP, you heard it here. You only get 30 days to mourn your dead mother, and then you have to suck it up and get with the program! Put on a happy face and start planning and attending all the parties! If you can't suck it up and do this, you need to find a therapist to fix what's wrong with you! No time to be sad! That's disrespectful to the living! Because, as you know, every day is a gift!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

Because it is her living mother in law's birthday, and she herself is alive and should continue living and celebrating life, even in the wake of a death. Or not. Her call.

My BFF lost her mom a few years ago and she adores her MIL and would never do that. She also gloms onto my mom or MIL when they’re around, which I think is cute. Sometimes she’ll cry and lmk that she misses her mom when we’re all together and I really appreciate her openness and honesty because I care about her. My mom just had a series of operations, and she checked in near daily, which I really appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

Because it is her living mother in law's birthday, and she herself is alive and should continue living and celebrating life, even in the wake of a death. Or not. Her call.

My BFF lost her mom a few years ago and she adores her MIL and would never do that. She also gloms onto my mom or MIL when they’re around, which I think is cute. Sometimes she’ll cry and lmk that she misses her mom when we’re all together and I really appreciate her openness and honesty because I care about her. My mom just had a series of operations, and she checked in near daily, which I really appreciated.

To clarify — she would never shun mil’s party