Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree she should attend.

Very sorry for your loss, OP, but your mother wouldn’t want you avoiding life’s celebrations. Every day is a gift.

My father really recently passed. Mom and Dad's b days were in the same week ust a few weeks later and always celebrated together. It was so sad to sing happy b day to just my mom...but it sort of needed to be done. We still need happy times and to mark milestones. I hope you can find away to attend...while still missing your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was your MIL, I would totally understand if you were not up for attending my birthday party.

You know yourself best. If you cannot handle it, it’s ok. That doesn’t make you a horrible person. Whatever you are feeling is ok. Grief is a funny thing and every person experiences it in different ways. As someone who lost both a parent and a child, I am very empathetic to all the complex and difficult feelings that come up after such a major loss.

Back to add… I am really disappointed to see so many posters here that would apparently judge you negatively for not attending your MIL’s bday celebration right after the loss of your mother. It goes to show you that most people really have trouble having true empathy for others and are incapable of imagining what it might be like for you. They think, well I would still suck it up and go, so she should still go because if I can do it, so can she. Everyone is different and let me reiterate: anything you are feeling right now is OK and normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree she should attend.

Very sorry for your loss, OP, but your mother wouldn’t want you avoiding life’s celebrations. Every day is a gift.

People say the dumbest shit sometimes. OP, ignore this.

+1

JFC the woman lost her mother. STFU.

People who try to tell people who have lost immediate family members stupid sh*t like that are so dense.

Agree to disagree, but for many of us, being around family during a time of grief was exactly the right step for us to take.

And for some people it is not the right step to take. Everyone should have the space to grieve in their own way without anyone trying to guilt them into doing things they are not ready to do. Saying stuff like "every day is a gift" is ridiculous. Just because someone is grieving doesen't mean they don't appreciate life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree she should attend.

Very sorry for your loss, OP, but your mother wouldn’t want you avoiding life’s celebrations. Every day is a gift.

People say the dumbest shit sometimes. OP, ignore this.

+1

JFC the woman lost her mother. STFU.

People who try to tell people who have lost immediate family members stupid sh*t like that are so dense.

"Recently" could mean anything.

Exactly. And we should respect OP’s definition of what she considers “recently” to mean. I’m going guess that it’s somewhere between yesterday and a year ago. Regardless of where in that range OP’s mother died, it’s fine to consider it “recently.” No one here gets to judge her or tell her the timeline for grieving. She doesn’t have to go to this party. She gets to make that call. Posters telling her that she should go are being rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was your MIL, I would totally understand if you were not up for attending my birthday party.

You know yourself best. If you cannot handle it, it’s ok. That doesn’t make you a horrible person. Whatever you are feeling is ok. Grief is a funny thing and every person experiences it in different ways. As someone who lost both a parent and a child, I am very empathetic to all the complex and difficult feelings that come up after such a major loss.

Back to add… I am really disappointed to see so many posters here that would apparently judge you negatively for not attending your MIL’s bday celebration right after the loss of your mother. It goes to show you that most people really have trouble having true empathy for others and are incapable of imagining what it might be like for you. They think, well I would still suck it up and go, so she should still go because if I can do it, so can she. Everyone is different and let me reiterate: anything you are feeling right now is OK and normal.

NP. I think it would be helpful if OP said the general time frame of her mother’s passing and the general time frame of her MIL’s birthday party. For all we know, this birthday party could be happening in July. While overall I have a lot of compassion for OP, if we are talking a far-future-date party, my advice to her would be…talk to a friend or a therapist about your feelings now, tell DH you cannot help with party planning and don’t want to talk about it, but *wait and see* how you feel about actually attending, because in a few months, you might feel more up to it.

OP is not providing relevant information, so I don’t know how we’re supposed to give the most helpful advice possible.

[Anonymous]

Do what you can, OP. Are your IL's kind, inclusive, warm and sympathetic, generally? If you are able to be happy for them, attend - if not, don't bother. Only do what you can.

Know that if you don't attend, the IL's may make more of it than it is, depending on their general disposition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do what you can, OP. Are your IL's kind, inclusive, warm and sympathetic, generally? If you are able to be happy for them, attend - if not, don't bother. Only do what you can.

Know that if you don't attend, the IL's may make more of it than it is, depending on their general disposition.

To add, you said that your mother's death was fairly recent - so I think you have a good excuse to maybe not attend, if that is how you feel. No one can tell you how to grieve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of moving through your grief is remembering to celebrate those who are still living.

Part of moving through your grief is acknowledging that certain things are too stressful. You are excused from this particular party. It’s so clear to me that most of these PPs have never lost someone they lived who also happened to be their mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree she should attend.

Very sorry for your loss, OP, but your mother wouldn’t want you avoiding life’s celebrations. Every day is a gift.

When my DH died recently if someone had said every day is a gift I would have wanted to slap them. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of moving through your grief is remembering to celebrate those who are still living.

Part of moving through your grief is acknowledging that certain things are too stressful. You are excused from this particular party. It’s so clear to me that most of these PPs have never lost someone they lived who also happened to be their mother.

Again, some more: we do not know the timeframe. If OP’s mother died two months ago and the party were two weeks from now, I would reassure her that it is fine to skip. However, if the party were in July, my advice to her would be to wait and see how she feels, and not make herself go through the pressure of “should I or shouldn’t I” right now, in this moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree she should attend.

Very sorry for your loss, OP, but your mother wouldn’t want you avoiding life’s celebrations. Every day is a gift.

When my DH died recently if someone had said every day is a gift I would have wanted to slap them. Seriously.

It's literally one of hte WORST things you can say to a grieving person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree she should attend.

Very sorry for your loss, OP, but your mother wouldn’t want you avoiding life’s celebrations. Every day is a gift.

When my DH died recently if someone had said every day is a gift I would have wanted to slap them. Seriously.

It's literally one of hte WORST things you can say to a grieving person.

+1

No kidding. Some people are pretty thoughtless - and/or have very few significant losses in their lives - they just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

NP - because she should,not want to jeopardize her relationship with the living MIL she will need to interact with for the rest of her life. Because if the MIL is at all decent, she will serve in a motherly role going forward, as DIL is family. Because it’s not going to make OP feel better to not attend.

And why wouldn’t it be on the MIL to recognize that her DIL just lost her own mother and that it would be kind and reasonable to not expect her DIL to attend a party in her honor? That’s saying a lot about the MIL that DIL not attending a party would “jeopardize” their relationship. Or are you someone who just believes that all MILs are selfish jerks incapable of compassion?

Because it's absurd and one thing has nothing to with the other. Is she going to avoid all mothers? All mothers over a certain age? Only mothers of family members? Friends?

Drama llamas are so tiresome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have lost a parent and I think you're being ridiculous.

Fine if you find it difficult to help plan.
But to be mad at him for celebrating his mother.
Feeling like because your mother died his should too or he can't enjoy his is way off bounds.
Get into therapy before you destroy your relationship with grief

Go to the party.

The voice of reason here. You should go to the party. Are you going to avoid everyone's mother and their celebrations, or just your MIL's? You really can't just say you're not going to attend because your mother died. Yes, I lost a parent and I didn't stop celebrating or seeing either of my ILs. Or other people's parents. It just wasn't relevant.

I agree (FWIW, I lost both my parents and my only sibling within an 18 month period, so it's not that I've never experienced grief). It's one thing to feel envy for people who still have their parents, it's another to be angry at your spouse for celebrating his mother's birthday.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. Your husband could be a little more sensitive about this. I hope he's not eagerly detailing his plans right in front of you. Seems a bit callous.