Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have lost a parent and I think you're being ridiculous.

Fine if you find it difficult to help plan.
But to be mad at him for celebrating his mother.
Feeling like because your mother died his should too or he can't enjoy his is way off bounds.
Get into therapy before you destroy your relationship with grief

Go to the party.

The voice of reason here. You should go to the party. Are you going to avoid everyone's mother and their celebrations, or just your MIL's? You really can't just say you're not going to attend because your mother died. Yes, I lost a parent and I didn't stop celebrating or seeing either of my ILs. Or other people's parents. It just wasn't relevant.

[Anonymous]

Part of moving through your grief is remembering to celebrate those who are still living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of moving through your grief is remembering to celebrate those who are still living.

Very well put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

NP - because she should,not want to jeopardize her relationship with the living MIL she will need to interact with for the rest of her life. Because if the MIL is at all decent, she will serve in a motherly role going forward, as DIL is family. Because it’s not going to make OP feel better to not attend.

And why wouldn’t it be on the MIL to recognize that her DIL just lost her own mother and that it would be kind and reasonable to not expect her DIL to attend a party in her honor? That’s saying a lot about the MIL that DIL not attending a party would “jeopardize” their relationship. Or are you someone who just believes that all MILs are selfish jerks incapable of compassion?

Because it's absurd and one thing has nothing to with the other. Is she going to avoid all mothers? All mothers over a certain age? Only mothers of family members? Friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

Because it is her living mother in law's birthday, and she herself is alive and should continue living and celebrating life, even in the wake of a death. Or not. Her call.

[Anonymous]

I would ask for a reprieve on planning because you are feeling sad. I think that’s fair.

But I’d also say you should attend when it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

NP - because she should,not want to jeopardize her relationship with the living MIL she will need to interact with for the rest of her life. Because if the MIL is at all decent, she will serve in a motherly role going forward, as DIL is family. Because it’s not going to make OP feel better to not attend.

And why wouldn’t it be on the MIL to recognize that her DIL just lost her own mother and that it would be kind and reasonable to not expect her DIL to attend a party in her honor? That’s saying a lot about the MIL that DIL not attending a party would “jeopardize” their relationship. Or are you someone who just believes that all MILs are selfish jerks incapable of compassion?

Because it's absurd and one thing has nothing to with the other. Is she going to avoid all mothers? All mothers over a certain age? Only mothers of family members? Friends?

So according to you, the only choices here are to attend the party or never attend anything again and avoid all older women??? Seriously? You’re saying there’s no middle ground here where OP can skip this one party because her mother died RECENTLY but then attend other events as she move through the grief process. Is that what you’re saying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree she should attend.

Very sorry for your loss, OP, but your mother wouldn’t want you avoiding life’s celebrations. Every day is a gift.

People say the dumbest shit sometimes. OP, ignore this.

+1

JFC the woman lost her mother. STFU.

People who try to tell people who have lost immediate family members stupid sh*t like that are so dense.

"Recently" could mean anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

NP because it’s a birthday party for family. What part of that don’t you understand?

[Anonymous]

OP, since you yourself are describing your feelings as envy and childish, and you are in the best position to know yourself, it is a pretty good indication that you are capable of overcoming childish envy and moving forward to attend the party. Now that you have gotten that out of your system by whining to your anonymous friends (its what we're here for -- those things you'd never say in real life), you can move forward grieve like an adult, while attending the party.

I'm sorry for you loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

1) Because the death of one mother doesn’t negate the significance of the life of another
2) Because the world does keep turning after death
3) If OP and MIL have a good relationship, there is no reason why OP shouldn’t find it in her heart to celebrate the life of someone who is an important part of her life

Unless the death of OP’s mother and this birthday party are literally like two weeks apart, there is no reason OP cannot celebrate the life of her husband’s mother for an hour. Life is for the living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

NP - because she should,not want to jeopardize her relationship with the living MIL she will need to interact with for the rest of her life. Because if the MIL is at all decent, she will serve in a motherly role going forward, as DIL is family. Because it’s not going to make OP feel better to not attend.

And why wouldn’t it be on the MIL to recognize that her DIL just lost her own mother and that it would be kind and reasonable to not expect her DIL to attend a party in her honor? That’s saying a lot about the MIL that DIL not attending a party would “jeopardize” their relationship. Or are you someone who just believes that all MILs are selfish jerks incapable of compassion?

“Just lost”? OP did not provide the date of her mother’s death or the date of the party, so this could very well be happening six, nine or 10 months after the burial. That would not be “just lost.”

[Anonymous]

OP, your mom is dead and you will always envy all people whose moms are alive.

However, your DH cannot behave as if his own mom is dead. Life is so short that we must celebrate when we have the option. Yes, you should be spared this year from organizing your MILs birthday because you are still grieving but reflect on your reaction and be a bit ashamed. You want your DH to not celebrate his living parent?


Losing your own parent should make you realize how impermanent life is. What if your MIL dies tomorrow? Would you feel happy at your DH's pain or will you feel bad for him because you have suffered a similar loss?

Be better, OP. Be better because that is the way to celebrate the lessons your mom taught to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom is dead and you will always envy all people whose moms are alive.

However, your DH cannot behave as if his own mom is dead. Life is so short that we must celebrate when we have the option. Yes, you should be spared this year from organizing your MILs birthday because you are still grieving but reflect on your reaction and be a bit ashamed. You want your DH to not celebrate his living parent?


Losing your own parent should make you realize how impermanent life is. What if your MIL dies tomorrow? Would you feel happy at your DH's pain or will you feel bad for him because you have suffered a similar loss?

Be better, OP. Be better because that is the way to celebrate the lessons your mom taught to you.

This is hard truth OP, but it's right. I lost my mom 16yrs ago. I miss her every single day. I feel envy and resentment in situations like the one you're describing. But I'm far enough beyond the first phase of grief to realize that it does no good whatsoever to feel this way and it's actively wrong to try to deny other people their celebrations. I guess that's the acceptance phase of grief - I hope you can get there. It still sucks, but that's life. I can watch my kids with my inlaws and I know that it takes nothing away from what my parents were to them.

[Anonymous]

If I was your MIL, I would totally understand if you were not up for attending my birthday party.

You know yourself best. If you cannot handle it, it’s ok. That doesn’t make you a horrible person. Whatever you are feeling is ok. Grief is a funny thing and every person experiences it in different ways. As someone who lost both a parent and a child, I am very empathetic to all the complex and difficult feelings that come up after such a major loss.