Mom recently died, DH is planning his mom's bday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore all these judgey op’s saying you should suck it up and go. I suspect they just envy how close you were to your mom. Let them judge, not everyone is close with their parents and are capable of empathizing.

Also, I know I will get a lot of flack for this but dcum skews wealthy and affluent. And there’s been many solid studies that show that as people gain wealth, they lose empathy. I would not take responses here as a reflection of how the average person would respond.

Empathy is for MIL who is alive.

IT’S ONE BIRTHDAY, PEOPLE. MIL wil survive if ONE of her family members are not able to attend this ONE birthday party. She really will. I promise. OP is not proposing to cut MIL out of her life forever because her mother died. She is saying it would be difficult for her to attend a birthday party and celebrate her MIL’s bday right after her mother’s death.

Seriously who are you people?

How do you know that MIL will survive or OP will survive or OP's DH will survive? Maybe this is the last birthday that they all will be well and together. Yes, OP is sad. Yes, she cannot be expected to plan any party as well as TG and Christmas. But, she should attend even for a little while and her husband and kids should be there for MIL.

We celebrate everyone who is alive and we fondly remember everyone who have left this Earth. It is really as simple as that.

[Anonymous]

There are many cultures and religions that designate a prescribed mourning period after the death of a loved one. Catholics have a "heavy mourning" period, and "light mourning" period. Buddhists also have a mourning period that prescribes abstaining from celebratory events for 100 days after the loved one's death. I do think in today's modern society, that most people are incredibly uncomfortable with dealing with the idea of grief, death, and loss, and would like to gloss over it, speed it up, and well - pretty much ignore it.

OP, do what feels right to you. Just know that in feeling grief for your mother now, and feeling all the feelings, you are paving the way to opening your heart much wider to all of life's joys, to love, to compassion, and connection with your loved ones. It's ok to honor your love for your mother by grieving any way you choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore all these judgey op’s saying you should suck it up and go. I suspect they just envy how close you were to your mom. Let them judge, not everyone is close with their parents and are capable of empathizing.

Also, I know I will get a lot of flack for this but dcum skews wealthy and affluent. And there’s been many solid studies that show that as people gain wealth, they lose empathy. I would not take responses here as a reflection of how the average person would respond.

Empathy is for MIL who is alive.

IT’S ONE BIRTHDAY, PEOPLE. MIL wil survive if ONE of her family members are not able to attend this ONE birthday party. She really will. I promise. OP is not proposing to cut MIL out of her life forever because her mother died. She is saying it would be difficult for her to attend a birthday party and celebrate her MIL’s bday right after her mother’s death.

Seriously who are you people?

I suppose if you are in a family where people skip family events this would work. In my family no one misses any event unless they are out of town or have something competing. In our family it would be viewed as odd to miss. And it is not just one birthday party if DH and sister are spending so much time planning.

Yeah. She DOES have something competing with the event. Her grief. I honest to goodness can not understand how a family would not understand that the spouse is not feeling up for acting happy-go-lucky and putting on a fake smile for her MIL at her big lavish birthday party, right after her mother's death. If they would judge her for that, I'm sure they would also be judgemental that she could not scrounge up a happy face at the party for a measly 3 hours, and was instead crying in the bathroom 1 hour into the party.

What you are describing is someone with serious issues that I don't think OP said she had. Grief does not compete more than a short time. If her files are fake for her MIL -- again she has issues. I am amazed that people are saying this --- Your grief cannot take over everyone's life for more than a short time. I assume she is not cancelling everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suppose it's worth noting that OP didn't complain about having to attend the party. She complained about having to be involved in planning.

That is not how I read her post. It is the party itself not the planning which is being done by others. It is the fact that there is planning that is bothering her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are so damn impatient these days. Even for grief to be over and done with. What a world we live in. Well, OP, you heard it here. You only get 30 days to mourn your dead mother, and then you have to suck it up and get with the program! Put on a happy face and start planning and attending all the parties! If you can't suck it up and do this, you need to find a therapist to fix what's wrong with you! No time to be sad! That's disrespectful to the living! Because, as you know, every day is a gift!

You don't really get 30 days. In this world maybe a week or two. You can't take off work; kids; life. Grief does not end but your ability to close down does.

[Anonymous]

Ugh OP, I’m sorry for your loss and for the shitty responses you have gotten. It would be unreasonable to demand your husband not throw a party at all or try and stop other people from doing their thing. But I think you get total choice over your own involvement PERIOD for any reason, but especially when you are grieving. Quietly not attending/making other non-dramatic plans and asking to not be involved in planning are very reasonable things. If you like your MIL it’s good to have the goal of eventually getting back to where you were in terms of your involvement in her life but there’s no hurry as long as you aren’t stopping her from seeing your kids or your husband. When I lost my sister I just needed space from people in general for awhile. I did eventually re-enter the world as before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore all these judgey op’s saying you should suck it up and go. I suspect they just envy how close you were to your mom. Let them judge, not everyone is close with their parents and are capable of empathizing.

Also, I know I will get a lot of flack for this but dcum skews wealthy and affluent. And there’s been many solid studies that show that as people gain wealth, they lose empathy. I would not take responses here as a reflection of how the average person would respond.

Empathy is for MIL who is alive.

Why does MIL need empathy? What terrible thing happened to her?

Because she is alive, older -- the thoughts should be on her. Grieve; no one is saying not to. But everything does not stop while you do that. And in what world would one spouse not go to another's family event?

Sorry, no. And if OP missing her birthday would cause a terrible rupture in her relationship with her MIL, then they didn't have much of a relationship to begin with. Because if you care about someone, you respect their grieving process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore all these judgey op’s saying you should suck it up and go. I suspect they just envy how close you were to your mom. Let them judge, not everyone is close with their parents and are capable of empathizing.

Also, I know I will get a lot of flack for this but dcum skews wealthy and affluent. And there’s been many solid studies that show that as people gain wealth, they lose empathy. I would not take responses here as a reflection of how the average person would respond.

Empathy is for MIL who is alive.

IT’S ONE BIRTHDAY, PEOPLE. MIL wil survive if ONE of her family members are not able to attend this ONE birthday party. She really will. I promise. OP is not proposing to cut MIL out of her life forever because her mother died. She is saying it would be difficult for her to attend a birthday party and celebrate her MIL’s bday right after her mother’s death.

Seriously who are you people?

I suppose if you are in a family where people skip family events this would work. In my family no one misses any event unless they are out of town or have something competing. In our family it would be viewed as odd to miss. And it is not just one birthday party if DH and sister are spending so much time planning.

Your family sound incredibly tedious and suffocating, under the guise of "closeness."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How very interesting that OP has *still* not answered the simple questions of:
a) When did your mother pass;
b) And when is this party

Because if OP's mom passed away in October and her party is not until July, I would council her to tell DH she can't *plan* the party, but she should wait and see how she feels in like, June, before deciding she's not attending.

If her mom passed away in October and the party is the first week of January, then I'd say go ahead and tell your husband you know you can't handle attending, and get that conversation out of your head and over with so you don't have to worry about.

See why this information is important?

She can skip planning. But even if October death she likely needs to go to a January party.

What am I missing? You ignore all other mothers and events for other mothers for months? That is just crazy.

The nice thing about being an adult is that you don't have to follow other people's stupid dictates. OP can do as she likes, and you can take a long walk off a short pier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore all these judgey op’s saying you should suck it up and go. I suspect they just envy how close you were to your mom. Let them judge, not everyone is close with their parents and are capable of empathizing.

Also, I know I will get a lot of flack for this but dcum skews wealthy and affluent. And there’s been many solid studies that show that as people gain wealth, they lose empathy. I would not take responses here as a reflection of how the average person would respond.

Empathy is for MIL who is alive.

IT’S ONE BIRTHDAY, PEOPLE. MIL wil survive if ONE of her family members are not able to attend this ONE birthday party. She really will. I promise. OP is not proposing to cut MIL out of her life forever because her mother died. She is saying it would be difficult for her to attend a birthday party and celebrate her MIL’s bday right after her mother’s death.

Seriously who are you people?

I suppose if you are in a family where people skip family events this would work. In my family no one misses any event unless they are out of town or have something competing. In our family it would be viewed as odd to miss. And it is not just one birthday party if DH and sister are spending so much time planning.

Yeah. She DOES have something competing with the event. Her grief. I honest to goodness can not understand how a family would not understand that the spouse is not feeling up for acting happy-go-lucky and putting on a fake smile for her MIL at her big lavish birthday party, right after her mother's death. If they would judge her for that, I'm sure they would also be judgemental that she could not scrounge up a happy face at the party for a measly 3 hours, and was instead crying in the bathroom 1 hour into the party.

What you are describing is someone with serious issues that I don't think OP said she had. Grief does not compete more than a short time. If her files are fake for her MIL -- again she has issues. I am amazed that people are saying this --- Your grief cannot take over everyone's life for more than a short time. I assume she is not cancelling everything else.

Someone who decides not to go to her MIL's lavish birthday party right after her mom's death does not have "serious issues". Jeez. Not that OP has said that she is not attending - but that choice is ENTIRELY up to her and I don't think she should be judged for it by cold-hearted people like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are so damn impatient these days. Even for grief to be over and done with. What a world we live in. Well, OP, you heard it here. You only get 30 days to mourn your dead mother, and then you have to suck it up and get with the program! Put on a happy face and start planning and attending all the parties! If you can't suck it up and do this, you need to find a therapist to fix what's wrong with you! No time to be sad! That's disrespectful to the living! Because, as you know, every day is a gift!

You don't really get 30 days. In this world maybe a week or two. You can't take off work; kids; life. Grief does not end but your ability to close down does.

Maybe you can take off work, maybe not. But you can certainly take off your MIL's birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was your MIL, I would totally understand if you were not up for attending my birthday party.

You know yourself best. If you cannot handle it, it’s ok. That doesn’t make you a horrible person. Whatever you are feeling is ok. Grief is a funny thing and every person experiences it in different ways. As someone who lost both a parent and a child, I am very empathetic to all the complex and difficult feelings that come up after such a major loss.

If I were the MIL, I would understand too.

That said, This isn't some stranger. OP has been a part of her MIL's life for, likely, decades. OP is a member of her family. No one's saying she shouldn't be sad, or even shed some tears at the party. But she really should try to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore all these judgey op’s saying you should suck it up and go. I suspect they just envy how close you were to your mom. Let them judge, not everyone is close with their parents and are capable of empathizing.

Also, I know I will get a lot of flack for this but dcum skews wealthy and affluent. And there’s been many solid studies that show that as people gain wealth, they lose empathy. I would not take responses here as a reflection of how the average person would respond.

Empathy is for MIL who is alive.

IT’S ONE BIRTHDAY, PEOPLE. MIL wil survive if ONE of her family members are not able to attend this ONE birthday party. She really will. I promise. OP is not proposing to cut MIL out of her life forever because her mother died. She is saying it would be difficult for her to attend a birthday party and celebrate her MIL’s bday right after her mother’s death.

Seriously who are you people?

I suppose if you are in a family where people skip family events this would work. In my family no one misses any event unless they are out of town or have something competing. In our family it would be viewed as odd to miss. And it is not just one birthday party if DH and sister are spending so much time planning.

Yeah. She DOES have something competing with the event. Her grief. I honest to goodness can not understand how a family would not understand that the spouse is not feeling up for acting happy-go-lucky and putting on a fake smile for her MIL at her big lavish birthday party, right after her mother's death. If they would judge her for that, I'm sure they would also be judgemental that she could not scrounge up a happy face at the party for a measly 3 hours, and was instead crying in the bathroom 1 hour into the party.

What you are describing is someone with serious issues that I don't think OP said she had. Grief does not compete more than a short time. If her files are fake for her MIL -- again she has issues. I am amazed that people are saying this --- Your grief cannot take over everyone's life for more than a short time. I assume she is not cancelling everything else.

Someone who decides not to go to her MIL's lavish birthday party right after her mom's death does not have "serious issues". Jeez. Not that OP has said that she is not attending - but that choice is ENTIRELY up to her and I don't think she should be judged for it by cold-hearted people like you.

You are missing the point. Mother did not die one day and party the next. Party not right after. Months in between based on her post. Yes missing the party because of grief would be evidence of someone with very serious issues that need a professional. Not judging. She should do her. But others will judge her. One of my parents has passed. Not a day goes by when I don't think about him. But I am not missing party for my in-laws even a few weeks after. It is wacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are so damn impatient these days. Even for grief to be over and done with. What a world we live in. Well, OP, you heard it here. You only get 30 days to mourn your dead mother, and then you have to suck it up and get with the program! Put on a happy face and start planning and attending all the parties! If you can't suck it up and do this, you need to find a therapist to fix what's wrong with you! No time to be sad! That's disrespectful to the living! Because, as you know, every day is a gift!

You don't really get 30 days. In this world maybe a week or two. You can't take off work; kids; life. Grief does not end but your ability to close down does.

Maybe you can take off work, maybe not. But you can certainly take off your MIL's birthday.

Easier to miss work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How very interesting that OP has *still* not answered the simple questions of:
a) When did your mother pass;
b) And when is this party

Because if OP's mom passed away in October and her party is not until July, I would council her to tell DH she can't *plan* the party, but she should wait and see how she feels in like, June, before deciding she's not attending.

If her mom passed away in October and the party is the first week of January, then I'd say go ahead and tell your husband you know you can't handle attending, and get that conversation out of your head and over with so you don't have to worry about.

See why this information is important?

She can skip planning. But even if October death she likely needs to go to a January party.

What am I missing? You ignore all other mothers and events for other mothers for months? That is just crazy.

The nice thing about being an adult is that you don't have to follow other people's stupid dictates. OP can do as she likes, and you can take a long walk off a short pier.

Sure she can. There are not two sides here. Going to the party is the only option. Not going is off. It's okay to be off. But know that you are off.