Unequal inheritance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will never understanding rewarding people for being lazy like you’re doing them a favor. People like OP’s brother will blow through that money, and when he’s left with nothing, he won’t even have OP to turn to because mom will have blown up that bridge.

There are times when unequal inheritances can make sense. Disabilities that require money for assistance, for example. But just because kids chose different life paths and one is “more successful”? What if OP has a debilitating car accident and can no longer work? What if OP ends up divorced and scraping by? What if the brother hits the lottery? No one knows what the future will bring. Treat your kids equally if you want them to have any relationship at all.

Again, this poster is ignoring the fact that the brother lives with and presumably takes care of many things for the money and will only do more as she ages. That's worth something. He may be professionally "lazy," but why should the mother care about that? What's important is what he's doing for the mother -- and it's HER money. She very well may see the brother as making sacrifices for her that the OP isn't doing, and as time goes on and she ages, trust me -- he will be doing a lot for her on a daily basis, simply because he lives with her, and OP won't be doing those things. In fact, OP will (or should be) happier knowing that her mother isn't alone while OP continues to live her wildly successful life free of the shackles of her mother's care.

The bold is the operative word here. And YOU are the one presuming that. Some of us have watched elderly parents with kids living with them for free and yet doing nothing, leaving the “successful” kids with families and jobs to also pick up the slack. It’s just as much projecting for me to assume that as it is for you to assume brother is managing the house, cooking and cleaning for mom 24/7. If, IF, the brother steps up and provides care and support for mom, then sure, I can see him deserving more. But for now it appears that in exchange for companionship he already gets free room and board for him AND his two children.

Some of us don't presume the worst about our siblings, and some of us aren't greedy children lusting after our parents' money.

So you do t presume the worst about your siblings, just random strangers on the internet. Got it.

Not the PP you’re replying to…but I know too many examples of failure to launch/early retired adult children living with their elderly parents and not lifting a finger…and in fact quite the opposite, causing them stress/hassle/heartache…while the sibling holding down full-time job/nuclear family is STILL the one doing all the helping for the parents.

That’s why presumably is such a huge leap here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will never understanding rewarding people for being lazy like you’re doing them a favor. People like OP’s brother will blow through that money, and when he’s left with nothing, he won’t even have OP to turn to because mom will have blown up that bridge.

There are times when unequal inheritances can make sense. Disabilities that require money for assistance, for example. But just because kids chose different life paths and one is “more successful”? What if OP has a debilitating car accident and can no longer work? What if OP ends up divorced and scraping by? What if the brother hits the lottery? No one knows what the future will bring. Treat your kids equally if you want them to have any relationship at all.

Again, this poster is ignoring the fact that the brother lives with and presumably takes care of many things for the money and will only do more as she ages. That's worth something. He may be professionally "lazy," but why should the mother care about that? What's important is what he's doing for the mother -- and it's HER money. She very well may see the brother as making sacrifices for her that the OP isn't doing, and as time goes on and she ages, trust me -- he will be doing a lot for her on a daily basis, simply because he lives with her, and OP won't be doing those things. In fact, OP will (or should be) happier knowing that her mother isn't alone while OP continues to live her wildly successful life free of the shackles of her mother's care.

The bold is the operative word here. And YOU are the one presuming that. Some of us have watched elderly parents with kids living with them for free and yet doing nothing, leaving the “successful” kids with families and jobs to also pick up the slack. It’s just as much projecting for me to assume that as it is for you to assume brother is managing the house, cooking and cleaning for mom 24/7. If, IF, the brother steps up and provides care and support for mom, then sure, I can see him deserving more. But for now it appears that in exchange for companionship he already gets free room and board for him AND his two children.

Some of us don't presume the worst about our siblings, and some of us aren't greedy children lusting after our parents' money.

So you do t presume the worst about your siblings, just random strangers on the internet. Got it.

Not the PP you’re replying to…but I know too many examples of failure to launch/early retired adult children living with their elderly parents and not lifting a finger…and in fact quite the opposite, causing them stress/hassle/heartache…while the sibling holding down full-time job/nuclear family is STILL the one doing all the helping for the parents.

That’s why presumably is such a huge leap here.

I think a lot of posters who are assuming help seem to be missing that these adult children live their parents because they are unable to hold jobs, keep apartments, etc. But sure, they get it together to care for their elderly parents. <sarcasm>

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother recently did this, and made the mistake of telling me. She needed a new hip a few months later and expected my help. I told her that she bought and paid for my brother, so to call him about any assistance she would need. Aside from sending flowers and one check up call, I’ve done nothing. My brother had to care for her dog for 2 months and she had to go to a $5/month rehab facility because she didn’t have another to look after her. Not my fault she picked the wrong child.

F*** around? Find out!

Your mom made the right choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother recently did this, and made the mistake of telling me. She needed a new hip a few months later and expected my help. I told her that she bought and paid for my brother, so to call him about any assistance she would need. Aside from sending flowers and one check up call, I’ve done nothing. My brother had to care for her dog for 2 months and she had to go to a $5/month rehab facility because she didn’t have another to look after her. Not my fault she picked the wrong child.

F*** around? Find out!

Yikes....sounds like she actually picked the right child...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother recently did this, and made the mistake of telling me. She needed a new hip a few months later and expected my help. I told her that she bought and paid for my brother, so to call him about any assistance she would need. Aside from sending flowers and one check up call, I’ve done nothing. My brother had to care for her dog for 2 months and she had to go to a $5/month rehab facility because she didn’t have another to look after her. Not my fault she picked the wrong child.

F*** around? Find out!

Yikes....sounds like she actually picked the right child...

Nope, I cared for her for years while my brother didn’t do anything. I’m done now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's probably helping her you aren't

No. Mom is helping him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

they all had different needs at different times. And when they did, we spent money on them according to their individual needs. We made no effort to make sure that we spent the same exact amount on each kid over the years, and we never felt like we had to

You are evil. Honestly, I'm 60+ with several adult children and unless one of yours has some extreme outliner condition, all should be treated fairly. And that means equally.

I agree. My parents always gave disproportionately to brother. He's the smartest one in the family, and the most troubled. He never appreciated everything they did for him, but only encouraged him to think he was entitled to make a grab for whatever he wanted. Fairness is a word he doesn't understand. I stopped talking to him over 10 years ago. I don't expect to ever have a relationship with him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

they all had different needs at different times. And when they did, we spent money on them according to their individual needs. We made no effort to make sure that we spent the same exact amount on each kid over the years, and we never felt like we had to

You are evil. Honestly, I'm 60+ with several adult children and unless one of yours has some extreme outliner condition, all should be treated fairly. And that means equally.

What on earth are you talking about? Since when does fairly mean the same thing as financially equal?

The first PP apparently has a black and white view of the world. They don't understand that most family situations are more fluid, and needs come and go.

I mean, seriously. Do she expect me to keep a spreadsheet of every cent I ever spend on each kid?

Here's an example. We had one kid who needed to go to boarding school for a year. It wasn't free. The other kids were in public school. Are we supposed to give the other kids the cash equivalent?

We had a different kid decide to go to a private liberal arts college because it had a particular major they wanted and otherwise was a better fit for their needs. The others went to state schools with similarly good reputations and programs (think UVA). Are we supposed to pay the other kids the tuition difference?

We had one kid who needed help with child care, another who needed help with a down payment, and another who needed neither. Are we supposed to pay that kid the cash equivalent of the child care or the down payment? Or, since the kid who needed neither was the one who went to boarding school for a year, do we subtract the cost of boarding school from the down payment the other kid got and make up the difference?

In all seriousness, have you made it clear to your kids that you are open to helping them out when needed? Do you say “yes” to some requests and “no” to other requests? And when real-time help is no longer on the table and you’re just deciding on how to split assets, will you divide evenly to each child or will you determine the amount given to each child based on what you perceive the needs to be? I’m genuinely curious. We have some unequal distribution of real-time help and it’s been difficult for me to accept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

they all had different needs at different times. And when they did, we spent money on them according to their individual needs. We made no effort to make sure that we spent the same exact amount on each kid over the years, and we never felt like we had to

You are evil. Honestly, I'm 60+ with several adult children and unless one of yours has some extreme outliner condition, all should be treated fairly. And that means equally.

What on earth are you talking about? Since when does fairly mean the same thing as financially equal?

The first PP apparently has a black and white view of the world. They don't understand that most family situations are more fluid, and needs come and go.

I mean, seriously. Do she expect me to keep a spreadsheet of every cent I ever spend on each kid?

Here's an example. We had one kid who needed to go to boarding school for a year. It wasn't free. The other kids were in public school. Are we supposed to give the other kids the cash equivalent?

We had a different kid decide to go to a private liberal arts college because it had a particular major they wanted and otherwise was a better fit for their needs. The others went to state schools with similarly good reputations and programs (think UVA). Are we supposed to pay the other kids the tuition difference?

We had one kid who needed help with child care, another who needed help with a down payment, and another who needed neither. Are we supposed to pay that kid the cash equivalent of the child care or the down payment? Or, since the kid who needed neither was the one who went to boarding school for a year, do we subtract the cost of boarding school from the down payment the other kid got and make up the difference?

Your adult children needed money for a down payment or needed childcare help for their children? You’ve got to be kidding me.
When they’re all dependents that’s one thing, as able-bodied adults, that another ballgame.

[Anonymous]

This is how my parents are. I bet he's the baby in the family.

My brother gets away with things that I could only dream of.

He got a DUI and crashed his car. My parents bought him a new (used) car.

He kept having "issues" with landlords so my parents bought a condo. He's supposed to pay them for it but I've seen the books and he pays maybe 1-3 months rent out of the year.

They pay all his legal bills when he messes up (which he does often) and make sure he has enough $$ in his account each month before his child support payment is withdrawn.

I've been told that things were adjusted to account for his special circumstances. IMO, his special circumstances are him being a lazy POS, but cool, cool, cool. I don't need the money because I'm successful on my own, but I've also made it known that if they are shifting so that he gets most or all of their inheritance, they should put checks in place so that he can't get it all at once and fritter it away. If he blows through it, I'm not supporting him and his lazy bum lifestyle.

His only concerns are working enough to keep the state of VA off his case about child support & having some money for weed and alcohol. I see his kid more than he does and he's fine with that. She, now that she's a teen, is also fine with that. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother recently did this, and made the mistake of telling me. She needed a new hip a few months later and expected my help. I told her that she bought and paid for my brother, so to call him about any assistance she would need. Aside from sending flowers and one check up call, I’ve done nothing. My brother had to care for her dog for 2 months and she had to go to a $5/month rehab facility because she didn’t have another to look after her. Not my fault she picked the wrong child.

F*** around? Find out!

Yikes....sounds like she actually picked the right child...

As you sow….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

they all had different needs at different times. And when they did, we spent money on them according to their individual needs. We made no effort to make sure that we spent the same exact amount on each kid over the years, and we never felt like we had to

You are evil. Honestly, I'm 60+ with several adult children and unless one of yours has some extreme outliner condition, all should be treated fairly. And that means equally.

What on earth are you talking about? Since when does fairly mean the same thing as financially equal?

The first PP apparently has a black and white view of the world. They don't understand that most family situations are more fluid, and needs come and go.

I mean, seriously. Do she expect me to keep a spreadsheet of every cent I ever spend on each kid?

Here's an example. We had one kid who needed to go to boarding school for a year. It wasn't free. The other kids were in public school. Are we supposed to give the other kids the cash equivalent?

We had a different kid decide to go to a private liberal arts college because it had a particular major they wanted and otherwise was a better fit for their needs. The others went to state schools with similarly good reputations and programs (think UVA). Are we supposed to pay the other kids the tuition difference?

We had one kid who needed help with child care, another who needed help with a down payment, and another who needed neither. Are we supposed to pay that kid the cash equivalent of the child care or the down payment? Or, since the kid who needed neither was the one who went to boarding school for a year, do we subtract the cost of boarding school from the down payment the other kid got and make up the difference?

Wrong thread. This is about an inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s none of your business how she divides things. You should be grateful and appreciative for whatever you get.

Bullshit. You would be angry if you wre treated unequally.

We are treated unequally because we are not equal. We have different capabilities, different professions, different lifestyles, etc. I keep my eye on my own life. How much money anyone else gets is none of my business.

OP’s brother could use his “good degree” to get a job. He didn’t want to. He apparently doesn’t have any learning disabilities or mental issues, he just doesn’t feel like working.

How is rewarding that equitable?

I’d be mad too, OP. Your brother is a freeloader and now you’re being affected by it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

they all had different needs at different times. And when they did, we spent money on them according to their individual needs. We made no effort to make sure that we spent the same exact amount on each kid over the years, and we never felt like we had to

You are evil. Honestly, I'm 60+ with several adult children and unless one of yours has some extreme outliner condition, all should be treated fairly. And that means equally.

What on earth are you talking about? Since when does fairly mean the same thing as financially equal?

The first PP apparently has a black and white view of the world. They don't understand that most family situations are more fluid, and needs come and go.

I mean, seriously. Do she expect me to keep a spreadsheet of every cent I ever spend on each kid?

Here's an example. We had one kid who needed to go to boarding school for a year. It wasn't free. The other kids were in public school. Are we supposed to give the other kids the cash equivalent?

We had a different kid decide to go to a private liberal arts college because it had a particular major they wanted and otherwise was a better fit for their needs. The others went to state schools with similarly good reputations and programs (think UVA). Are we supposed to pay the other kids the tuition difference?

We had one kid who needed help with child care, another who needed help with a down payment, and another who needed neither. Are we supposed to pay that kid the cash equivalent of the child care or the down payment? Or, since the kid who needed neither was the one who went to boarding school for a year, do we subtract the cost of boarding school from the down payment the other kid got and make up the difference?

Do you really not see the difference between your examples and not dividing your estate equally among children?

Not really, no. Because you're still going to have petty children like OP complaining that they deserved more because more was spent on the other kid when they were younger. And, in the end, it's nobody's money but the parents'.

Also, I'm responding to the idiot 60+ year old who said I was "evil" for not keeping a spreadsheet.

OP does not want more. She wants 50-50. The more you post, PP, the more that other PP seems to be correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will never understanding rewarding people for being lazy like you’re doing them a favor. People like OP’s brother will blow through that money, and when he’s left with nothing, he won’t even have OP to turn to because mom will have blown up that bridge.

There are times when unequal inheritances can make sense. Disabilities that require money for assistance, for example. But just because kids chose different life paths and one is “more successful”? What if OP has a debilitating car accident and can no longer work? What if OP ends up divorced and scraping by? What if the brother hits the lottery? No one knows what the future will bring. Treat your kids equally if you want them to have any relationship at all.

Again, this poster is ignoring the fact that the brother lives with and presumably takes care of many things for the money and will only do more as she ages. That's worth something. He may be professionally "lazy," but why should the mother care about that? What's important is what he's doing for the mother -- and it's HER money. She very well may see the brother as making sacrifices for her that the OP isn't doing, and as time goes on and she ages, trust me -- he will be doing a lot for her on a daily basis, simply because he lives with her, and OP won't be doing those things. In fact, OP will (or should be) happier knowing that her mother isn't alone while OP continues to live her wildly successful life free of the shackles of her mother's care.

The bold is the operative word here. And YOU are the one presuming that. Some of us have watched elderly parents with kids living with them for free and yet doing nothing, leaving the “successful” kids with families and jobs to also pick up the slack. It’s just as much projecting for me to assume that as it is for you to assume brother is managing the house, cooking and cleaning for mom 24/7. If, IF, the brother steps up and provides care and support for mom, then sure, I can see him deserving more. But for now it appears that in exchange for companionship he already gets free room and board for him AND his two children.

Some of us don't presume the worst about our siblings, and some of us aren't greedy children lusting after our parents' money.

So you do t presume the worst about your siblings, just random strangers on the internet. Got it.

Not the PP you’re replying to…but I know too many examples of failure to launch/early retired adult children living with their elderly parents and not lifting a finger…and in fact quite the opposite, causing them stress/hassle/heartache…while the sibling holding down full-time job/nuclear family is STILL the one doing all the helping for the parents.

That’s why presumably is such a huge leap here.

I think a lot of posters who are assuming help seem to be missing that these adult children live their parents because they are unable to hold jobs, keep apartments, etc. But sure, they get it together to care for their elderly parents. <sarcasm>

This. If they can’t hold a job, they aren’t shopping for groceries or mowing the lawn either. And while some failure to launch siblings may have undiagnosed ADD or depression, that’s increasingly rare and in many cases medication can help. The pp who said “all” failure to launch kids are like this is missing the fact that some people are just spoiled and lazy.