SIL wants us to write her girls letters at camp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sent a similar request to my in-laws and none of them did it. Thankfully I had DD covered, but boy did they feel like shit when they got the letters from DD to them.

Why? I wouldn’t feel bad. She has a lot more free time than I do! And she’s not my kid.

She actually didn't have a ton of free time at an active outdoor summer camp and at 8 years old she sent letters because we highly encouraged them and are raising her not to be a garbage human.

But you do you.

Are you serious pp? Np. No one is a garbage human because they don’t write their nieces and nephews at sleep away camp!! I’m really shocked that anyone would expect this. If you think it’s nice for your daughter to write letters to others that’s great! But I certainly never expected aunts and uncles to write when I was at camp?! My parents wrote me, sent care packages, that was more than enough. I think maybe my grandmothers sent things but that is totally different than aunts and uncles.

you’re totally write that writing a letter doesn’t theoretically take a lot of time, but it’s out of peoples norm and just not something that is typically expected of aunrs and uncles so seems like a weird thing to not give them a pass on. Next time, send the email to the grandparents and keep it at that.

Garbage humans are affronted by the mere thought of writing a nice note to their niece. It may be out of the norm, but that's why the request was made! Kids love mail, but especially at camp. Most camps even have an email-to-mail system like Bunk1 or eCamp to make it even easier. It's not a requirement, but my word, it's not too much to ask of a "loved one".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sent a similar request to my in-laws and none of them did it. Thankfully I had DD covered, but boy did they feel like shit when they got the letters from DD to them.

How do you know that's how they felt? (I'm not doubting you, just curious how it is that you came to know that they felt like that.)

Because when she got home they called and said "I got your letter [Larla]! Thank you so much! I'm glad that you had a fun time at camp and I'm sorry that I didn't get your letter in the mail on time [a lie], but I'll make it up to you. Do you want to [insert overindulgent activity here]?". She had 4 of these conversations.

OK, well it sounds like they are caring people who can manage their relationship with your daughter just fine. If they don't do X, they'll stay connected by doing Y. If they feel they missed out on A, they'll do B instead. You sound like a peach.

And you sound like a miserable old banana.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are families like this? I would absolutely have my kids sent little notes to their cousins at camp. I'm sure your niece will write them back. This little bit of family love and happiness between the cousins will cost you less than $5. And you can drop the letters at the end of your own driveway in your mailbox. The effort is next to nothing.

"The effort is next to nothing." Then DH can lead this effortless charge. The heart of most of these responses is that women should always look for ways to keep family relations, husband be damned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are families like this? I would absolutely have my kids sent little notes to their cousins at camp. I'm sure your niece will write them back. This little bit of family love and happiness between the cousins will cost you less than $5. And you can drop the letters at the end of your own driveway in your mailbox. The effort is next to nothing.

"The effort is next to nothing." Then DH can lead this effortless charge. The heart of most of these responses is that women should always look for ways to keep family relations, husband be damned.

DP. The heart of my post was, I don’t know why you married a lazy rat b*****rd but I like kids so I’ll be friendly regardless of where the family lines are drawn. The lesson I want my kids to learn is that mom is nice and cares about people and I can come to her with my problems, but she won’t let people take advantage of her, because she’s learned proper boundaries.

[Anonymous]

It may sound harmless to some ppl, but the problem I see with this type of request is that a parent is actively managing other ppl's relationship with her child.

The extended family either have a good relationship with the child or not. It's not going to be made or broken by letters (or lack thereof) to camp, contrary to some very alarming proclamation in this thread. If you think your child will be lonely, teach them the value of reaching out, ie, pack some pre addressed envelopes.

What you don't do is tell other people, mostly only women, that they should add yet another task to their plate, and then shame them when they drop the rope. No, you don't get to decide how other people spend their time or manage their relationship with your child. You need to learn to drop the rope, or land the helicopter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are families like this? I would absolutely have my kids sent little notes to their cousins at camp. I'm sure your niece will write them back. This little bit of family love and happiness between the cousins will cost you less than $5. And you can drop the letters at the end of your own driveway in your mailbox. The effort is next to nothing.

"The effort is next to nothing." Then DH can lead this effortless charge. The heart of most of these responses is that women should always look for ways to keep family relations, husband be damned.

Not at all.

Its that family relationships are not blood only.

OP can write a letter to her niece and sign it with her name only. They are still family even if not blood related.

That's the underlying theme to this whole "drop the rope" trend that I'm uneasy with. While I'm 100% on board with the moms/wives not having to do all family event planning/coordination/keeping in touch, there's also an unpleasant theme of "its not my family; it's DH's family"

Which is wrong. It's still your family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may sound harmless to some ppl, but the problem I see with this type of request is that a parent is actively managing other ppl's relationship with her child.

The extended family either have a good relationship with the child or not. It's not going to be made or broken by letters (or lack thereof) to camp, contrary to some very alarming proclamation in this thread. If you think your child will be lonely, teach them the value of reaching out, ie, pack some pre addressed envelopes.

What you don't do is tell other people, mostly only women, that they should add yet another task to their plate, and then shame them when they drop the rope. No, you don't get to decide how other people spend their time or manage their relationship with your child. You need to learn to drop the rope, or land the helicopter.

Maybe. But there wasn't really a ton of info in OP's first post.

If the email from SIL was:

"Hey family - here's Larla's address at camp if anyone wants to write!" well, that's not really "actively managing" the relationships is it?

TBH, OP doesnt come off great here. They sound cranky and difficult, and maybe justifiably upset with DH, but instead of addressing any root issues, instead is comfortable letting her niece become collateral damage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are families like this? I would absolutely have my kids sent little notes to their cousins at camp. I'm sure your niece will write them back. This little bit of family love and happiness between the cousins will cost you less than $5. And you can drop the letters at the end of your own driveway in your mailbox. The effort is next to nothing.

"The effort is next to nothing." Then DH can lead this effortless charge. The heart of most of these responses is that women should always look for ways to keep family relations, husband be damned.

Not at all.

Its that family relationships are not blood only.

OP can write a letter to her niece and sign it with her name only. They are still family even if not blood related.

That's the underlying theme to this whole "drop the rope" trend that I'm uneasy with. While I'm 100% on board with the moms/wives not having to do all family event planning/coordination/keeping in touch, there's also an unpleasant theme of "its not my family; it's DH's family"

Which is wrong. It's still your family

I agree with all of this. I’m not okay with taking on all the family coordination and associated labor, but I am also not okay with not having a close relationship with both sides of our family. The solution for me is not to drop the rope, but rather to be in communication about expectations and division of labor with my husband as it applies to all of our extended family just like I am about division of labor with our own children so I don’t have to shoulder all of that stuff alone either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may sound harmless to some ppl, but the problem I see with this type of request is that a parent is actively managing other ppl's relationship with her child.

The extended family either have a good relationship with the child or not. It's not going to be made or broken by letters (or lack thereof) to camp, contrary to some very alarming proclamation in this thread. If you think your child will be lonely, teach them the value of reaching out, ie, pack some pre addressed envelopes.

What you don't do is tell other people, mostly only women, that they should add yet another task to their plate, and then shame them when they drop the rope. No, you don't get to decide how other people spend their time or manage their relationship with your child. You need to learn to drop the rope, or land the helicopter.

Maybe. But there wasn't really a ton of info in OP's first post.

If the email from SIL was:

"Hey family - here's Larla's address at camp if anyone wants to write!" well, that's not really "actively managing" the relationships is it?

TBH, OP doesnt come off great here. They sound cranky and difficult, and maybe justifiably upset with DH, but instead of addressing any root issues, instead is comfortable letting her niece become collateral damage

You guys are ridiculous and show exactly why women continue to be the ones putting the effort into relationships. The niece "become[s] collateral damage." Give me a break, do you even hear yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are families like this? I would absolutely have my kids sent little notes to their cousins at camp. I'm sure your niece will write them back. This little bit of family love and happiness between the cousins will cost you less than $5. And you can drop the letters at the end of your own driveway in your mailbox. The effort is next to nothing.

"The effort is next to nothing." Then DH can lead this effortless charge. The heart of most of these responses is that women should always look for ways to keep family relations, husband be damned.

Not at all.

Its that family relationships are not blood only.

OP can write a letter to her niece and sign it with her name only. They are still family even if not blood related.

That's the underlying theme to this whole "drop the rope" trend that I'm uneasy with. While I'm 100% on board with the moms/wives not having to do all family event planning/coordination/keeping in touch, there's also an unpleasant theme of "its not my family; it's DH's family"

Which is wrong. It's still your family

I agree with all of this. I’m not okay with taking on all the family coordination and associated labor, but I am also not okay with not having a close relationship with both sides of our family. The solution for me is not to drop the rope, but rather to be in communication about expectations and division of labor with my husband as it applies to all of our extended family just like I am about division of labor with our own children so I don’t have to shoulder all of that stuff alone either.

People are different and have different family structures. I am super close to my family, but I don’t really see DH’s nieces as “my family.” They are his family. I don’t expect to have a deep long term relationship with them. I have little interest in “getting the cousins together” etc. we live thousands of miles away from each other and have built a strong community here.

[Anonymous]

Instead of dropping the rope entirely, how about tying it to your husband and yanking on it until he takes responsibility for it? I flat out tell my husband that he is doing X,Y,Z for his family, I assign it TO HIM on the family to do list in the kitchen, and then harangue him about it until it gets done BECAUSE I'M RIGHT and it's crappy behavior for him to ignore his family. Takes just as much time as doing it myself and holds him accountable.

[Anonymous]

Of course I would send a postcard!! You are their aunt as much as he is the uncle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are families like this? I would absolutely have my kids sent little notes to their cousins at camp. I'm sure your niece will write them back. This little bit of family love and happiness between the cousins will cost you less than $5. And you can drop the letters at the end of your own driveway in your mailbox. The effort is next to nothing.

"The effort is next to nothing." Then DH can lead this effortless charge. The heart of most of these responses is that women should always look for ways to keep family relations, husband be damned.

Not at all.

Its that family relationships are not blood only.

OP can write a letter to her niece and sign it with her name only. They are still family even if not blood related.

That's the underlying theme to this whole "drop the rope" trend that I'm uneasy with. While I'm 100% on board with the moms/wives not having to do all family event planning/coordination/keeping in touch, there's also an unpleasant theme of "its not my family; it's DH's family"

Which is wrong. It's still your family

Totally agree with you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are families like this? I would absolutely have my kids sent little notes to their cousins at camp. I'm sure your niece will write them back. This little bit of family love and happiness between the cousins will cost you less than $5. And you can drop the letters at the end of your own driveway in your mailbox. The effort is next to nothing.

Exactly! It is fun to write letters to kids at camp! It also gives the littles something to think about for when they get to go to camp when they get older. We usually put little trinkets in them, like some of those tattoo things or some glitter or we'll write little corny jokes they can tell their camp mates. Nothing big or obvious because some camps don't allow it. When my kids were little they also looooooved looking at the pictures online of what the campers did the day before. It really helped build their interest and all of them ended up going to camp and loving it because of what they saw their older cousins do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are families like this? I would absolutely have my kids sent little notes to their cousins at camp. I'm sure your niece will write them back. This little bit of family love and happiness between the cousins will cost you less than $5. And you can drop the letters at the end of your own driveway in your mailbox. The effort is next to nothing.

"The effort is next to nothing." Then DH can lead this effortless charge. The heart of most of these responses is that women should always look for ways to keep family relations, husband be damned.

Not at all.

Its that family relationships are not blood only.

OP can write a letter to her niece and sign it with her name only. They are still family even if not blood related.

That's the underlying theme to this whole "drop the rope" trend that I'm uneasy with. While I'm 100% on board with the moms/wives not having to do all family event planning/coordination/keeping in touch, there's also an unpleasant theme of "its not my family; it's DH's family"

Which is wrong. It's still your family

Totally agree with you

Make that three of us. I am firmly in the camp of "it takes a village" and there is no way in he11 you're keeping me out of the village just because I'm not blood related to my husband's nieces or nephews.