SIL wants us to write her girls letters at camp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to? No. But why wouldn’t you? It will take a few minutes and put a huge smile on your niece’s face.

Why won’t my husband?

Because this sort of thing is a female thing. So is (in general), remembering birthdays and anniversaries. And women create these situations, and then get mad when their men forget to do it or don't do it the way the woman wanted it done.

I'm a wife of 20+ years, and believe that once you see it the way I've outlined above, it can only benefit you, and save you from being angry in these situations.

It’s 1950s outdated sexist trash and “benefits” no one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom sent us to camp with pre addressed envelopes to write to certain family members. Then they wrote back. Seems like the nicer way to do it.

I like this approach.

Honestly, I've never heard of this practice. Requesting relatives writing letters to someone who's going away to camp for 1-2 weeks? Sounds helicopty to me.

Where are you all getting 1-2 weeks? OP didn’t say that. Many kids go to extended sleepaway camps in the summer.

[Anonymous]

Postcards, not letters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of dropping the rope entirely, how about tying it to your husband and yanking on it until he takes responsibility for it? I flat out tell my husband that he is doing X,Y,Z for his family, I assign it TO HIM on the family to do list in the kitchen, and then harangue him about it until it gets done BECAUSE I'M RIGHT and it's crappy behavior for him to ignore his family. Takes just as much time as doing it myself and holds him accountable.

You sound like a shrill harpie married to a total schlub.

[Anonymous]

Do you like your niece,?


If you do send her a little post card once or twice.

You can drop the rope on other stuff

[Anonymous]

I wonder what the Venn diagram is of “I don’t want to do anything for my DH’s family - that’s his job and if he does nothing, oh well!” and “my SIL/BILs ignore my kids - WTH?!?”

For the record, I don’t think it’s all of the wife to do these things, but I also have my own relationships with my ILs and manage them accordingly. In OP’s case I’d either send a postcard FROM ME, or tell my kids to write some. Unless I didn’t like them, which sounds like OP’s situation.

[Anonymous]

I may be related to my nieces and nephews on my husband’s side of the family through him-but Inhave a relationship that doesn’t go through him with them. I’d write a quick note if ai thought it would make my niece or nephew happy.
If you don’t have a relationship and/or don’t think the kid would care if you wrote them, don’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may sound harmless to some ppl, but the problem I see with this type of request is that a parent is actively managing other ppl's relationship with her child.

The extended family either have a good relationship with the child or not. It's not going to be made or broken by letters (or lack thereof) to camp, contrary to some very alarming proclamation in this thread. If you think your child will be lonely, teach them the value of reaching out, ie, pack some pre addressed envelopes.

What you don't do is tell other people, mostly only women, that they should add yet another task to their plate, and then shame them when they drop the rope. No, you don't get to decide how other people spend their time or manage their relationship with your child. You need to learn to drop the rope, or land the helicopter.

Maybe. But there wasn't really a ton of info in OP's first post.

If the email from SIL was:

"Hey family - here's Larla's address at camp if anyone wants to write!" well, that's not really "actively managing" the relationships is it?

TBH, OP doesnt come off great here. They sound cranky and difficult, and maybe justifiably upset with DH, but instead of addressing any root issues, instead is comfortable letting her niece become collateral damage

You guys are ridiculous and show exactly why women continue to be the ones putting the effort into relationships. The niece "become[s] collateral damage." Give me a break, do you even hear yourself?

Explain to me how she's not collateral damage? Sure, its not severe damage. But in OP's quest to get DH to do more things, niece suffers from not hearing from family.

You may think that's acceptable.

Me? I think its worthwhile to spend 50 cents and 5 minutes of my time to put a smile on MY niece's face.

There will be other ways to get the message across to DH without impacting a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may sound harmless to some ppl, but the problem I see with this type of request is that a parent is actively managing other ppl's relationship with her child.

The extended family either have a good relationship with the child or not. It's not going to be made or broken by letters (or lack thereof) to camp, contrary to some very alarming proclamation in this thread. If you think your child will be lonely, teach them the value of reaching out, ie, pack some pre addressed envelopes.

What you don't do is tell other people, mostly only women, that they should add yet another task to their plate, and then shame them when they drop the rope. No, you don't get to decide how other people spend their time or manage their relationship with your child. You need to learn to drop the rope, or land the helicopter.

Maybe. But there wasn't really a ton of info in OP's first post.

If the email from SIL was:

"Hey family - here's Larla's address at camp if anyone wants to write!" well, that's not really "actively managing" the relationships is it?

TBH, OP doesnt come off great here. They sound cranky and difficult, and maybe justifiably upset with DH, but instead of addressing any root issues, instead is comfortable letting her niece become collateral damage

You guys are ridiculous and show exactly why women continue to be the ones putting the effort into relationships. The niece "become[s] collateral damage." Give me a break, do you even hear yourself?

Explain to me how she's not collateral damage? Sure, its not severe damage. But in OP's quest to get DH to do more things, niece suffers from not hearing from family.

You may think that's acceptable.

Me? I think its worthwhile to spend 50 cents and 5 minutes of my time to put a smile on MY niece's face.

There will be other ways to get the message across to DH without impacting a child.

Let's be real. It is unlikely that this niece is hearing from OP and her immediate family regularly. If she were, OP would not be writing. Child will not be harmed in any way not to hear from aunt/uncle/cousins she normally does not hear from for a couple weeks of camp.

Are you always this dramatic? Sounds exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may sound harmless to some ppl, but the problem I see with this type of request is that a parent is actively managing other ppl's relationship with her child.

The extended family either have a good relationship with the child or not. It's not going to be made or broken by letters (or lack thereof) to camp, contrary to some very alarming proclamation in this thread. If you think your child will be lonely, teach them the value of reaching out, ie, pack some pre addressed envelopes.

What you don't do is tell other people, mostly only women, that they should add yet another task to their plate, and then shame them when they drop the rope. No, you don't get to decide how other people spend their time or manage their relationship with your child. You need to learn to drop the rope, or land the helicopter.

Maybe. But there wasn't really a ton of info in OP's first post.

If the email from SIL was:

"Hey family - here's Larla's address at camp if anyone wants to write!" well, that's not really "actively managing" the relationships is it?

TBH, OP doesnt come off great here. They sound cranky and difficult, and maybe justifiably upset with DH, but instead of addressing any root issues, instead is comfortable letting her niece become collateral damage

You guys are ridiculous and show exactly why women continue to be the ones putting the effort into relationships. The niece "become[s] collateral damage." Give me a break, do you even hear yourself?

Explain to me how she's not collateral damage? Sure, its not severe damage. But in OP's quest to get DH to do more things, niece suffers from not hearing from family.

You may think that's acceptable.

Me? I think its worthwhile to spend 50 cents and 5 minutes of my time to put a smile on MY niece's face.

There will be other ways to get the message across to DH without impacting a child.

Let's be real. It is unlikely that this niece is hearing from OP and her immediate family regularly. If she were, OP would not be writing. Child will not be harmed in any way not to hear from aunt/uncle/cousins she normally does not hear from for a couple weeks of camp.

Are you always this dramatic? Sounds exhausting.

I'll admit that you make a fair point. Maybe they dont see each other that often.

My kids get together with their cousins 2-3 times a month, so my niece would 100% miss her cousins and I would miss her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to? No. But why wouldn’t you? It will take a few minutes and put a huge smile on your niece’s face.

Why won’t my husband?

Because this sort of thing is a female thing. So is (in general), remembering birthdays and anniversaries. And women create these situations, and then get mad when their men forget to do it or don't do it the way the woman wanted it done.

I'm a wife of 20+ years, and believe that once you see it the way I've outlined above, it can only benefit you, and save you from being angry in these situations.

It’s 1950s outdated sexist trash and “benefits” no one.

+100 I blame a lot of this on the rwnjs who are trying to put women in their place back in 1950.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may sound harmless to some ppl, but the problem I see with this type of request is that a parent is actively managing other ppl's relationship with her child.

The extended family either have a good relationship with the child or not. It's not going to be made or broken by letters (or lack thereof) to camp, contrary to some very alarming proclamation in this thread. If you think your child will be lonely, teach them the value of reaching out, ie, pack some pre addressed envelopes.

What you don't do is tell other people, mostly only women, that they should add yet another task to their plate, and then shame them when they drop the rope. No, you don't get to decide how other people spend their time or manage their relationship with your child. You need to learn to drop the rope, or land the helicopter.

Maybe. But there wasn't really a ton of info in OP's first post.

If the email from SIL was:

"Hey family - here's Larla's address at camp if anyone wants to write!" well, that's not really "actively managing" the relationships is it?

TBH, OP doesnt come off great here. They sound cranky and difficult, and maybe justifiably upset with DH, but instead of addressing any root issues, instead is comfortable letting her niece become collateral damage

You guys are ridiculous and show exactly why women continue to be the ones putting the effort into relationships. The niece "become[s] collateral damage." Give me a break, do you even hear yourself?

Explain to me how she's not collateral damage? Sure, its not severe damage. But in OP's quest to get DH to do more things, niece suffers from not hearing from family.

You may think that's acceptable.

Me? I think its worthwhile to spend 50 cents and 5 minutes of my time to put a smile on MY niece's face.

There will be other ways to get the message across to DH without impacting a child.

Let's be real. It is unlikely that this niece is hearing from OP and her immediate family regularly. If she were, OP would not be writing. Child will not be harmed in any way not to hear from aunt/uncle/cousins she normally does not hear from for a couple weeks of camp.

Are you always this dramatic? Sounds exhausting.

My kids hear from their extended family often but getting postcards and letters at camp is it’s own experience! What’s dramatic is putting up so much resistance to just mailing a postcard to an excited, potentially homesick niece or nephew who would love to hear from her aunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to? No. But why wouldn’t you? It will take a few minutes and put a huge smile on your niece’s face.

Why won’t my husband?

Because this sort of thing is a female thing. So is (in general), remembering birthdays and anniversaries. And women create these situations, and then get mad when their men forget to do it or don't do it the way the woman wanted it done.

I'm a wife of 20+ years, and believe that once you see it the way I've outlined above, it can only benefit you, and save you from being angry in these situations.

It’s 1950s outdated sexist trash and “benefits” no one.

+100 I blame a lot of this on the rwnjs who are trying to put women in their place back in 1950.

Wow. some of you guys are just ADAMENT about not having a relationship with your DH's side of the family. Which, to be honest, feels like you're just setting yourselves up for failure

[Anonymous]

Gosh I do this for all the kids in my life because I loved getting mail when I was at camp. I find funny cards on Etsy and such and send them. Can't you just send postcards? But sure if you don't want to you don't have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to? No. But why wouldn’t you? It will take a few minutes and put a huge smile on your niece’s face.

Why won’t my husband?

Because this sort of thing is a female thing. So is (in general), remembering birthdays and anniversaries. And women create these situations, and then get mad when their men forget to do it or don't do it the way the woman wanted it done.

I'm a wife of 20+ years, and believe that once you see it the way I've outlined above, it can only benefit you, and save you from being angry in these situations.

It’s 1950s outdated sexist trash and “benefits” no one.

+100 I blame a lot of this on the rwnjs who are trying to put women in their place back in 1950.

Wow. some of you guys are just ADAMENT about not having a relationship with your DH's side of the family. Which, to be honest, feels like you're just setting yourselves up for failure

DP. Failure? What failure? Not writing postcards doesn't mean I don't have or don't want a relationship with my DH's side of the family. What I DO want is to be able to have relationships on my terms, not what is dictated by someone else, especially people who hold outdated, patriarchal attitudes about the role of women - that includes women with those attitudes. If my DH's family don't like what I bring to a relationship and how I bring it, fine. Choices should be respected.