I insist on paying this right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why hasn't anyone suggested the following?

OP, just take their child to a few "nicer" (slightly more expensive) activities/outings? You know, things that are one-offs, like a nice lunch out or go to mini golf and ice cream or whatever teenagers like to do...instead of spaghetti at home (which is really fine!) if you feel guilty just up your game a little with this kid and then accept the offer of the lessons.

OP here,

What does that teach my kid? First, that I let him be bought, and then that I'm ashamed of the lifestyle that his father and I have worked hard to provide for our kids, and so when "better" company comes over we "up our game"?

To be clear, I don't feel guilty, I feel used.

Used? Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let them pay and find other ways to return the favor like inviting the friend to do other activities with your child

This. That mom sees that your kids get along very well, have a similar interest, and she must be delighted!! You offered to pay and she declined. No need to force the issue (and unlike other thread, she is not venmoing you for Starbucks, so please take her at her word). Many of us just hope to find a friend for our kid and a great family is a bonus!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if the dynamic is "favor" we'll back out. I'm not interested in my kid being used that way.

Can someone explain why, if people claim it's not about the money, people are so opposed to my kid keeping his dignity and me being allowed to provide for my own child?

Your child was invited to do something by someone else. The host is paying for the activity because they invited your kid. This is basic etiquette and completely normal. If she wanted to split it, she would have offered that when you asked twice. You are really taking this too personally and have some deep insecurities around money.

OP asked twice. Shouldn’t the other parent have the sense to recognize that OP is not entirely comfortable with the other parent paying for a series of lessons (as opposed to a one-off dinner or go-cart afternoon)? Why doesn’t the other parent back off rather than insisting on paying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why hasn't anyone suggested the following?

OP, just take their child to a few "nicer" (slightly more expensive) activities/outings? You know, things that are one-offs, like a nice lunch out or go to mini golf and ice cream or whatever teenagers like to do...instead of spaghetti at home (which is really fine!) if you feel guilty just up your game a little with this kid and then accept the offer of the lessons.

OP here,

What does that teach my kid? First, that I let him be bought, and then that I'm ashamed of the lifestyle that his father and I have worked hard to provide for our kids, and so when "better" company comes over we "up our game"?

To be clear, I don't feel guilty, I feel used.

Used? Why?

Dear OP, then you have a problem, there is no problem in real life. Let your kid enjoy his friend and the activity. Different people have different things to share. Share what you have as well and make this a better world. You are not less because you have less $.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't really a private school question, but I think that private school culture plays a role.

We are a middle class family whose kids attend a very expensive school with a lot of financial aid. My kids are well cared for, and have everything they need, but there are definitely a lot of kids in their class with much bigger houses, pricier EC's, etc . . .

One of my kids has a good friend whose family has a lot of money. A few months ago, that kid invited my kid to do an activity. I looked up how much it cost, and sent that much money plus some extra, but wasn't really surprised that the money came back and kid reported that the parents had turned down his offer to pay for himself. Later, I found out that the parent had paid for a semi-private instructor for just the two kids, making the activity pretty expensive.

Since then, the kids have gotten together regularly. When they're at my house it's usually something free like play basketball in the driveway, and then eat some spaghetti and brownies I made at home. They've also ridden bikes to get ice cream and to our local pool, and we've paid for that, but I don't think I've ever spent more than $10 at a time. When the other family takes a turn, they always do the expensive activity, and the other parents pay, usually they go out to eat at a restaurant after.

The other mother commented that perhaps we should sign the kids up for a recurring lesson, so they get the same instructor and there's a routine. I said that sounded great, let's set up a schedule to take turns driving, and please send me a link to sign up and pay. She got really flustered and said oh no, she didn't mean I should pay, she was happy to do the driving and pay for the lesson and the activity, she was grateful her kid had such a nice friend.

To be clear, it's an expensive activity, but we can work it into the budget. The cost is not prohibitive. Kid really enjoys both the activity and the kid, and would be really happy if I proposed making it a regular thing.

How to proceed? I am uncomfortable with them paying, but also don't want to lose the friendship for my kid.

If you had let's say, a pool...would you invite that friend over all the time? Yes. so do the same and let your kid enjoy what they can offer.

[Anonymous]

This so clearly a troll at this point.

[Anonymous]

I may be an outlier here, but once the other family offered to pay and it was politely declined I think it’s kind of condescending and obnoxious to push to pay for someone else’s kid. It begins to feel like the other kid is some kind of paid companion rather than a genuine friend, and I would hate to have my kid feel like a charity case when the truth is we are able and willing to pay. There is also an element of control to paying for both kids: perhaps the other mother prefers to have control over the activity and is willing to buy that control rather than having to negotiate the terms with the other family, as one usually does. Some very rich people feel awkward around people who have normal financial situations and they tend to over correct in unwittingly patronizing ways. Your kids are friends now, but in the years ahead they will be made more and more aware of these financial dynamics. If it were me, I’d want to set reasonable and friendly, but clear, boundaries right now about expectations going forward. I’m gently reply that I’d prefer to pay for my child’s portion of the lesson (or split the cost or whatever) and I’d be grateful if she’d let me know how/where to pay.