I insist on paying this right?

[Anonymous]

Op, I think for this activity she proposed, you say, "we can work it into the budget. The cost is not prohibitive." And you say the opposite when you can't. The other Mother just needs more experience with you. She needs time/experience knowing you say what you mean, and don't hold back on speaking truth. I wouldn't worry about the near-term, whether she pays or not - if she's really wanting to may. Overall, assume the relationship the two of you have will need some time, to know each other. You can press later re: paying equally.

[Anonymous]

I'd let them pay. For people who have lots of money, it's not a big deal to pay and many feel guilty if they invite others who they perceive to not have as much money and make them pay (that's my situation - we have money and I like to pay and treat my friends/kids' friends because we enjoy their company and I don't want anyone to be stretched to pay).

However, if you want to reciprocate, find an activity that is low or no budget and plan it for the two kids (you do the driving, set the dates, etc) and do that. It's not about the money, it's about the time spent between the kids doing something they like. I am sure there is some activity both like that you can organize and plan, which is returning the favor to the other family and equally worthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Interesting that you both think it's fine.

My kids have done plenty of activities with other kids. I've paid for a bunch of one time things, but any time another parent and I have coordinated to put our kids on the same sports team, or in the same summer camp, or any other recurring activity, we've each paid for our own kids. Somehow to me it seems like the line is between those two things.

Do you think that if there wasn't an income differential, it would play out the same?

Maybe, but if the kids are great friends and these parents seem happy to cover it, I'd let them cover it. But I'm also extremely conflict-averse and hate discussing money, etc.

We’ve taken kids and guests and done ski lessons or when we know a family has to work on spring break we take their kid. And pay. Don’t feel bad and make it up in other ways as you already are - friendship, driving if needed, overnights if needed, etc.
I love that you both are being clear and upfront.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I think for this activity she proposed, you say, "we can work it into the budget. The cost is not prohibitive." And you say the opposite when you can't. The other Mother just needs more experience with you. She needs time/experience knowing you say what you mean, and don't hold back on speaking truth. I wouldn't worry about the near-term, whether she pays or not - if she's really wanting to may. Overall, assume the relationship the two of you have will need some time, to know each other. You can press later re: paying equally.

This is good advice. I don't think you should just default to paying. First, it sets up a really weird dynamic from even the kids' friendship, and it could harm you kid in the long run if the family starts to make assumptions about what you can afford before asking to do anything they don't plan to pay for. But there may be time when their paying is just fine, if it means their kid gets a friend at an activity they wouldn't otherwise do.

I went to a private school, and my parents were probably among the wealthiest of the UMC families (we had a couple of families with more business or generational wealth). I think the other mom is being a little bit rude in making assumptions about your financial situation. Over time, hopefully, she'll figure out a way not to assume your financial situation but also make it clear that finances don't need to be a barrier to your kids enjoying an activity together.

[Anonymous]

Welll off private school parent here. I thikn the other mother handled it well. Accept their offer, but if you can reciprocate with your time (offering to drive) that would be a great gesture.

People with a lot of money tend to care less about money (no surprise!) but more that their kid has a nice friend to play with and they enjoy spending time together. Also your hosting their kid and maknig brownies and the like is a great experience for the other kid -- they may not get that at home.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to be crass to try to get this point across: we have a LOT of family money. Obscene amounts. Paying for a semi-private horseback riding lesson for my child and a friend or something along those lines, is not a blip on our financial radar. We don't give it a thought. We're not working your child into some budget. We're not cutting anything out to fit them in. We don't give it a second thought. If you think your friend might be in our situation, let them pay. If you want to drive, fine. Continue with your basketball and spaghetti. A good friendship is more important than evening out who spent what on whom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I think for this activity she proposed, you say, "we can work it into the budget. The cost is not prohibitive." And you say the opposite when you can't. The other Mother just needs more experience with you. She needs time/experience knowing you say what you mean, and don't hold back on speaking truth. I wouldn't worry about the near-term, whether she pays or not - if she's really wanting to may. Overall, assume the relationship the two of you have will need some time, to know each other. You can press later re: paying equally.

This is good advice. I don't think you should just default to paying. First, it sets up a really weird dynamic from even the kids' friendship, and it could harm you kid in the long run if the family starts to make assumptions about what you can afford before asking to do anything they don't plan to pay for. But there may be time when their paying is just fine, if it means their kid gets a friend at an activity they wouldn't otherwise do.

I went to a private school, and my parents were probably among the wealthiest of the UMC families (we had a couple of families with more business or generational wealth). I think the other mom is being a little bit rude in making assumptions about your financial situation. Over time, hopefully, she'll figure out a way not to assume your financial situation but also make it clear that finances don't need to be a barrier to your kids enjoying an activity together.

OP, she wasn't rude. She just seemed surprised and embarrassed that I just assumed I was paying. That she didn't mean to imply that I should. And I do want to pay, but I don't want to embarrass her.

I guess part of what I'm not sure about is if she's paying because she assumes it would be harder for me to pay, or if she is paying because she thinks my kid coming along is a favor, or if she would pay for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be crass to try to get this point across: we have a LOT of family money. Obscene amounts. Paying for a semi-private horseback riding lesson for my child and a friend or something along those lines, is not a blip on our financial radar. We don't give it a thought. We're not working your child into some budget. We're not cutting anything out to fit them in. We don't give it a second thought. If you think your friend might be in our situation, let them pay. If you want to drive, fine. Continue with your basketball and spaghetti. A good friendship is more important than evening out who spent what on whom.

But you are only seeing this from your POV. That’s great you have a lot of money and you don’t even notice when you pay for an expensive activity. Other people don’t have a lot of money and do notice and you should respect that they may not want you paying for everything even if you don’t care about the cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I think for this activity she proposed, you say, "we can work it into the budget. The cost is not prohibitive." And you say the opposite when you can't. The other Mother just needs more experience with you. She needs time/experience knowing you say what you mean, and don't hold back on speaking truth. I wouldn't worry about the near-term, whether she pays or not - if she's really wanting to may. Overall, assume the relationship the two of you have will need some time, to know each other. You can press later re: paying equally.

This is good advice. I don't think you should just default to paying. First, it sets up a really weird dynamic from even the kids' friendship, and it could harm you kid in the long run if the family starts to make assumptions about what you can afford before asking to do anything they don't plan to pay for. But there may be time when their paying is just fine, if it means their kid gets a friend at an activity they wouldn't otherwise do.

I went to a private school, and my parents were probably among the wealthiest of the UMC families (we had a couple of families with more business or generational wealth). I think the other mom is being a little bit rude in making assumptions about your financial situation. Over time, hopefully, she'll figure out a way not to assume your financial situation but also make it clear that finances don't need to be a barrier to your kids enjoying an activity together.

OP, she wasn't rude. She just seemed surprised and embarrassed that I just assumed I was paying. That she didn't mean to imply that I should. And I do want to pay, but I don't want to embarrass her.

I guess part of what I'm not sure about is if she's paying because she assumes it would be harder for me to pay, or if she is paying because she thinks my kid coming along is a favor, or if she would pay for anyone.

That is supposed to say "I am OP", not addressing the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would agree with your initial reaction, OP. But then, we are the middle class family in this scenario. For an occasional outing, I am ok with the other family paying, even for a more expensive option that they choose (e.g., taking the kids skiing for a day and paying everything including a semi-private lesson rather than a group lesson). For a regular activity, no. It makes your child’s participation depend on the other family. I would consider it a debt.

If I couldn’t afford it, I wouldn’t do it. But if you are leaning toward letting the other family pay, at the very least, as a PP mentioned, I would insist on doing all the driving.

I can afford it. I'm just not sure if fighting to do so is obnoxious or expected.

If you can afford it, then how is this different than the other scenarios you describe where you and other parents sign your kids up and everyone pays their way? Is it because the other parent assumed she would pay? Is it because they are rich and the parents of your kids other friends aren’t? Are you just trying not to offend?

If you are uncomfortable with them paying, then say great, let’s sign the kids up and then you pay. Why do you think there would be fighting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I think for this activity she proposed, you say, "we can work it into the budget. The cost is not prohibitive." And you say the opposite when you can't. The other Mother just needs more experience with you. She needs time/experience knowing you say what you mean, and don't hold back on speaking truth. I wouldn't worry about the near-term, whether she pays or not - if she's really wanting to may. Overall, assume the relationship the two of you have will need some time, to know each other. You can press later re: paying equally.

This is good advice. I don't think you should just default to paying. First, it sets up a really weird dynamic from even the kids' friendship, and it could harm you kid in the long run if the family starts to make assumptions about what you can afford before asking to do anything they don't plan to pay for. But there may be time when their paying is just fine, if it means their kid gets a friend at an activity they wouldn't otherwise do.

I went to a private school, and my parents were probably among the wealthiest of the UMC families (we had a couple of families with more business or generational wealth). I think the other mom is being a little bit rude in making assumptions about your financial situation. Over time, hopefully, she'll figure out a way not to assume your financial situation but also make it clear that finances don't need to be a barrier to your kids enjoying an activity together.

OP, she wasn't rude. She just seemed surprised and embarrassed that I just assumed I was paying. That she didn't mean to imply that I should. And I do want to pay, but I don't want to embarrass her.

I guess part of what I'm not sure about is if she's paying because she assumes it would be harder for me to pay, or if she is paying because she thinks my kid coming along is a favor, or if she would pay for anyone.

I didn't think she behaved rudely, but the fact of making assumptions about your situation is rude. There is a way to offer to pay without the other person even realizing that's been done. She clearly hasn't figured it out yet. The fact that you are worried about "embarrassing" her indicates that she's created an awkward situation.

Regardless, it is nice that your kids have a close friendship and she wants to enable that. I think being a little more up front on your end when something isn't a strain is a better long term dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would agree with your initial reaction, OP. But then, we are the middle class family in this scenario. For an occasional outing, I am ok with the other family paying, even for a more expensive option that they choose (e.g., taking the kids skiing for a day and paying everything including a semi-private lesson rather than a group lesson). For a regular activity, no. It makes your child’s participation depend on the other family. I would consider it a debt.

If I couldn’t afford it, I wouldn’t do it. But if you are leaning toward letting the other family pay, at the very least, as a PP mentioned, I would insist on doing all the driving.

I can afford it. I'm just not sure if fighting to do so is obnoxious or expected.

If you can afford it, then how is this different than the other scenarios you describe where you and other parents sign your kids up and everyone pays their way? Is it because the other parent assumed she would pay? Is it because they are rich and the parents of your kids other friends aren’t? Are you just trying not to offend?

If you are uncomfortable with them paying, then say great, let’s sign the kids up and then you pay. Why do you think there would be fighting?

It's different because when I said "send me the link so I can pay" she got all flustered and was very insistent that I didn't need to pay.

In other circumstances, when a parent says "does your kid want to sign up for the same week of camp as mine so they can carpool?" I say "ooh that sounds great, send me a link so I can register!" and then they send me a link.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be crass to try to get this point across: we have a LOT of family money. Obscene amounts. Paying for a semi-private horseback riding lesson for my child and a friend or something along those lines, is not a blip on our financial radar. We don't give it a thought. We're not working your child into some budget. We're not cutting anything out to fit them in. We don't give it a second thought. If you think your friend might be in our situation, let them pay. If you want to drive, fine. Continue with your basketball and spaghetti. A good friendship is more important than evening out who spent what on whom.

But you are only seeing this from your POV. That’s great you have a lot of money and you don’t even notice when you pay for an expensive activity. Other people don’t have a lot of money and do notice and you should respect that they may not want you paying for everything even if you don’t care about the cost.

But how is this different from us serving sushi to a friend and the friend liking it so we always get it when that friend comes over, and when our kid goes to the other kid's house they get spaghetti-o's and happily eats it. Adults talk about how there's this divide between income brackets, which obviously there is, but when they encourage their kids to notice it like OP is trying to do, they're widening the divide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be crass to try to get this point across: we have a LOT of family money. Obscene amounts. Paying for a semi-private horseback riding lesson for my child and a friend or something along those lines, is not a blip on our financial radar. We don't give it a thought. We're not working your child into some budget. We're not cutting anything out to fit them in. We don't give it a second thought. If you think your friend might be in our situation, let them pay. If you want to drive, fine. Continue with your basketball and spaghetti. A good friendship is more important than evening out who spent what on whom.

But you are only seeing this from your POV. That’s great you have a lot of money and you don’t even notice when you pay for an expensive activity. Other people don’t have a lot of money and do notice and you should respect that they may not want you paying for everything even if you don’t care about the cost.

But how is this different from us serving sushi to a friend and the friend liking it so we always get it when that friend comes over, and when our kid goes to the other kid's house they get spaghetti-o's and happily eats it. Adults talk about how there's this divide between income brackets, which obviously there is, but when they encourage their kids to notice it like OP is trying to do, they're widening the divide.

How am I encouraging my kids to notice? I am entirely unclear where that comes from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would agree with your initial reaction, OP. But then, we are the middle class family in this scenario. For an occasional outing, I am ok with the other family paying, even for a more expensive option that they choose (e.g., taking the kids skiing for a day and paying everything including a semi-private lesson rather than a group lesson). For a regular activity, no. It makes your child’s participation depend on the other family. I would consider it a debt.

If I couldn’t afford it, I wouldn’t do it. But if you are leaning toward letting the other family pay, at the very least, as a PP mentioned, I would insist on doing all the driving.

I can afford it. I'm just not sure if fighting to do so is obnoxious or expected.

If you can afford it, then how is this different than the other scenarios you describe where you and other parents sign your kids up and everyone pays their way? Is it because the other parent assumed she would pay? Is it because they are rich and the parents of your kids other friends aren’t? Are you just trying not to offend?

If you are uncomfortable with them paying, then say great, let’s sign the kids up and then you pay. Why do you think there would be fighting?

It's different because when I said "send me the link so I can pay" she got all flustered and was very insistent that I didn't need to pay.

In other circumstances, when a parent says "does your kid want to sign up for the same week of camp as mine so they can carpool?" I say "ooh that sounds great, send me a link so I can register!" and then they send me a link.

Then address her being flustered. It’s nice of you to want to save her embarrassment or discomfort but I agree with a PP that that is separate from who pays. I would pay for it myself and figure out how to assure her that you are comfortable with that so she should be comfortable too. I wouldn’t let her discomfort drive my behavior wrt paying for the activity.