I insist on paying this right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a full pay parent and I have a kid I struggle to keep engaged in activities, especially if there is no social element. I wonder if your kid’s engagement is actually a favor to the other parent.

Without a doubt both kids enjoy it more with a friend. I think both sets of parents, and both boys, are really happy that they they have this friendship. But in my mind when you do someone "a favor" it implies that it only benefits one side. My kid happily ice skating with their kid isn't a favor.

It is a favor to me if (1) I want my kid to ice skate and (2) the only way he will happily ice skate is with your kid. This sounds like a true friendship - don’t let money get in the way. Let them pay and you could do a lot of the driving or just keep inviting him over to your place too.

ABSOLUTELY! I’m a serious introvert with anxiety and play dates put me on edge because I need to socialize with the parents (they’re great people, it’s all me). Conversely, my six year old is a people person. I see it as a favor to me to be able to bring his friends along for an activity. As such, I pay, regardless of cost. Friendships are priceless and me in a non-anxious state is more than worth it to me.

OP here,

I should add, in case it makes a difference, that these are young teens. So, no need for parents to be socializing at playdates. Also that explains why I don't know this mom well enough to feel like I could have a conversation with her.

[Anonymous]

When I invite people out to do something we both know they couldn’t afford on their own budget, I always do so with the understanding that I’m paying their way for no other reason than I’d enjoy their company at the restaurant or event and there is no obligation created by them accepting the invitation. I have been on the other side of this as the friend with less money on e or twice, and I’m always grateful for the hospitality but don’t waste any time wondering what I owe the person in return. Nothing!! Just gracefully accept the generosity, express sincere gratitude that your boys are able to build their skills at this activity together, and look for opportunities to pay it forward.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that the activity is at a country club where you can’t pay?

I agree with another poster-offer to pay again and if she says no again, just accept the generous offer. Continue to invite the kid over and continue on as normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As often the wealthier parent in this scenario, when I offer to pay it is because I'm happy to do so and for my kid to get to spend time at an activity that she enjoys with a friend she enjoys. As someone earlier said -- you've offered twice, your kid's friend's parent said no twice. Be grateful and reciprocate with what you can offer -- time together at a less expensive activity is totally fine. People with the means to spend to make their children happy are usually happy to do that.

But OP has been clear that she can afford this activity, so there is no need for her to shut up and “be grateful”. It’s this subtle condescension that is annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I invite people out to do something we both know they couldn’t afford on their own budget, I always do so with the understanding that I’m paying their way for no other reason than I’d enjoy their company at the restaurant or event and there is no obligation created by them accepting the invitation. I have been on the other side of this as the friend with less money on e or twice, and I’m always grateful for the hospitality but don’t waste any time wondering what I owe the person in return. Nothing!! Just gracefully accept the generosity, express sincere gratitude that your boys are able to build their skills at this activity together, and look for opportunities to pay it forward.

But I can afford it. It might be easier for them to, but that's me speculating based on the size and location of our relative houses and our job titles. They could be very house poor or something and it could be a major burden for them.

-- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that the activity is at a country club where you can’t pay?

I agree with another poster-offer to pay again and if she says no again, just accept the generous offer. Continue to invite the kid over and continue on as normal.

No, the lessons are at place where you can pay by the day, or join. Like I said, I couldn't just go online and pay, because I don't know the instructor they want, and if I did pay I'd need to pay for both. But we could set it up where one of us bought a block of lessons, and the the other bought the next block. Or one could put it on a credit card and the other could just give them cash to cover half.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I invite people out to do something we both know they couldn’t afford on their own budget, I always do so with the understanding that I’m paying their way for no other reason than I’d enjoy their company at the restaurant or event and there is no obligation created by them accepting the invitation. I have been on the other side of this as the friend with less money on e or twice, and I’m always grateful for the hospitality but don’t waste any time wondering what I owe the person in return. Nothing!! Just gracefully accept the generosity, express sincere gratitude that your boys are able to build their skills at this activity together, and look for opportunities to pay it forward.

But I can afford it. It might be easier for them to, but that's me speculating based on the size and location of our relative houses and our job titles. They could be very house poor or something and it could be a major burden for them.

-- OP

Then reciprocate by paying for an equal activity for both kids. You keep arguing that you can afford it, so then do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I invite people out to do something we both know they couldn’t afford on their own budget, I always do so with the understanding that I’m paying their way for no other reason than I’d enjoy their company at the restaurant or event and there is no obligation created by them accepting the invitation. I have been on the other side of this as the friend with less money on e or twice, and I’m always grateful for the hospitality but don’t waste any time wondering what I owe the person in return. Nothing!! Just gracefully accept the generosity, express sincere gratitude that your boys are able to build their skills at this activity together, and look for opportunities to pay it forward.

But I can afford it. It might be easier for them to, but that's me speculating based on the size and location of our relative houses and our job titles. They could be very house poor or something and it could be a major burden for them.

-- OP

Then reciprocate by paying for an equal activity for both kids. You keep arguing that you can afford it, so then do that.

Just because I can afford an activity for one kid, doesn't mean I can afford twice that.

Also, I don't want my kid in two more weekly activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I invite people out to do something we both know they couldn’t afford on their own budget, I always do so with the understanding that I’m paying their way for no other reason than I’d enjoy their company at the restaurant or event and there is no obligation created by them accepting the invitation. I have been on the other side of this as the friend with less money on e or twice, and I’m always grateful for the hospitality but don’t waste any time wondering what I owe the person in return. Nothing!! Just gracefully accept the generosity, express sincere gratitude that your boys are able to build their skills at this activity together, and look for opportunities to pay it forward.

But I can afford it. It might be easier for them to, but that's me speculating based on the size and location of our relative houses and our job titles. They could be very house poor or something and it could be a major burden for them.

-- OP

Then reciprocate by paying for an equal activity for both kids. You keep arguing that you can afford it, so then do that.

Just because I can afford an activity for one kid, doesn't mean I can afford twice that.

Also, I don't want my kid in two more weekly activities.

[Anonymous]

"Sally, thank you so much for getting Larlo and Marlo started with competitive sailing lessons; I know Marlo loves this activity. He's keen on continuing and I insist on picking up the next block of lessons for the two of them. I'll email you for the contact info to set it up." Then, switch the topic to something else before she can protest. And then send that email and ask for the info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I invite people out to do something we both know they couldn’t afford on their own budget, I always do so with the understanding that I’m paying their way for no other reason than I’d enjoy their company at the restaurant or event and there is no obligation created by them accepting the invitation. I have been on the other side of this as the friend with less money on e or twice, and I’m always grateful for the hospitality but don’t waste any time wondering what I owe the person in return. Nothing!! Just gracefully accept the generosity, express sincere gratitude that your boys are able to build their skills at this activity together, and look for opportunities to pay it forward.

But I can afford it. It might be easier for them to, but that's me speculating based on the size and location of our relative houses and our job titles. They could be very house poor or something and it could be a major burden for them.

-- OP

Then reciprocate by paying for an equal activity for both kids. You keep arguing that you can afford it, so then do that.

Just because I can afford an activity for one kid, doesn't mean I can afford twice that.

Also, I don't want my kid in two more weekly activities.

But if she pays twice, and then you pay twice, you realize you are only paying for your own kid. Now you sound like a troll or like you can't actually afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I invite people out to do something we both know they couldn’t afford on their own budget, I always do so with the understanding that I’m paying their way for no other reason than I’d enjoy their company at the restaurant or event and there is no obligation created by them accepting the invitation. I have been on the other side of this as the friend with less money on e or twice, and I’m always grateful for the hospitality but don’t waste any time wondering what I owe the person in return. Nothing!! Just gracefully accept the generosity, express sincere gratitude that your boys are able to build their skills at this activity together, and look for opportunities to pay it forward.

But I can afford it. It might be easier for them to, but that's me speculating based on the size and location of our relative houses and our job titles. They could be very house poor or something and it could be a major burden for them.

-- OP

Then reciprocate by paying for an equal activity for both kids. You keep arguing that you can afford it, so then do that.

Just because I can afford an activity for one kid, doesn't mean I can afford twice that.

Also, I don't want my kid in two more weekly activities.

Then decline and pull your kid out of the activity. You clearly can't navigate this with logic or grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I invite people out to do something we both know they couldn’t afford on their own budget, I always do so with the understanding that I’m paying their way for no other reason than I’d enjoy their company at the restaurant or event and there is no obligation created by them accepting the invitation. I have been on the other side of this as the friend with less money on e or twice, and I’m always grateful for the hospitality but don’t waste any time wondering what I owe the person in return. Nothing!! Just gracefully accept the generosity, express sincere gratitude that your boys are able to build their skills at this activity together, and look for opportunities to pay it forward.

But I can afford it. It might be easier for them to, but that's me speculating based on the size and location of our relative houses and our job titles. They could be very house poor or something and it could be a major burden for them.

-- OP

Then reciprocate by paying for an equal activity for both kids. You keep arguing that you can afford it, so then do that.

Just because I can afford an activity for one kid, doesn't mean I can afford twice that.

Also, I don't want my kid in two more weekly activities.

But if she pays twice, and then you pay twice, you realize you are only paying for your own kid. Now you sound like a troll or like you can't actually afford it.

But she is paying for two activities, when she’d rather (or can) only pay for one. It makes total sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I invite people out to do something we both know they couldn’t afford on their own budget, I always do so with the understanding that I’m paying their way for no other reason than I’d enjoy their company at the restaurant or event and there is no obligation created by them accepting the invitation. I have been on the other side of this as the friend with less money on e or twice, and I’m always grateful for the hospitality but don’t waste any time wondering what I owe the person in return. Nothing!! Just gracefully accept the generosity, express sincere gratitude that your boys are able to build their skills at this activity together, and look for opportunities to pay it forward.

But I can afford it. It might be easier for them to, but that's me speculating based on the size and location of our relative houses and our job titles. They could be very house poor or something and it could be a major burden for them.

-- OP

Then reciprocate by paying for an equal activity for both kids. You keep arguing that you can afford it, so then do that.

Just because I can afford an activity for one kid, doesn't mean I can afford twice that.

Also, I don't want my kid in two more weekly activities.

But if she pays twice, and then you pay twice, you realize you are only paying for your own kid. Now you sound like a troll or like you can't actually afford it.

Let's say the lessons are $100 for the two of them, if you get the discount for buying in blocks of 4. If she buys a block, and they go for a month, and I either reimburse her for 1/2 or buy the next block, that's $200 a month.

But if I let her pay for all of them, and pay for something comparable, then that would be $400 a month. $400 a month, and juggling schedules for two weekly activities on top of things we're already committed to would be hard.

[Anonymous]

I vividly remember my bff's dad teaching me this life lesson when I was kid:

Offer to pay for something twice. After that, if you keep offering you're being rude.

This. This is all that matters. Any other speculation just piles on stress to the relationship.