I insist on paying this right?

[Anonymous]

This isn't really a private school question, but I think that private school culture plays a role.

We are a middle class family whose kids attend a very expensive school with a lot of financial aid. My kids are well cared for, and have everything they need, but there are definitely a lot of kids in their class with much bigger houses, pricier EC's, etc . . .

One of my kids has a good friend whose family has a lot of money. A few months ago, that kid invited my kid to do an activity. I looked up how much it cost, and sent that much money plus some extra, but wasn't really surprised that the money came back and kid reported that the parents had turned down his offer to pay for himself. Later, I found out that the parent had paid for a semi-private instructor for just the two kids, making the activity pretty expensive.

Since then, the kids have gotten together regularly. When they're at my house it's usually something free like play basketball in the driveway, and then eat some spaghetti and brownies I made at home. They've also ridden bikes to get ice cream and to our local pool, and we've paid for that, but I don't think I've ever spent more than $10 at a time. When the other family takes a turn, they always do the expensive activity, and the other parents pay, usually they go out to eat at a restaurant after.

The other mother commented that perhaps we should sign the kids up for a recurring lesson, so they get the same instructor and there's a routine. I said that sounded great, let's set up a schedule to take turns driving, and please send me a link to sign up and pay. She got really flustered and said oh no, she didn't mean I should pay, she was happy to do the driving and pay for the lesson and the activity, she was grateful her kid had such a nice friend.

To be clear, it's an expensive activity, but we can work it into the budget. The cost is not prohibitive. Kid really enjoys both the activity and the kid, and would be really happy if I proposed making it a regular thing.

How to proceed? I am uncomfortable with them paying, but also don't want to lose the friendship for my kid.

[Anonymous]

Let them pay and find other ways to return the favor like inviting the friend to do other activities with your child

[Anonymous]

As the poorer friend, I would accept the generosity of the other family and keep doing what you are doing. These situations can be really tricky, but since the other parent has been clear that their plan all along has been to pay for the lessons, I think the most gracious path is to go along with that plan.

[Anonymous]

OP here,

Interesting that you both think it's fine.

My kids have done plenty of activities with other kids. I've paid for a bunch of one time things, but any time another parent and I have coordinated to put our kids on the same sports team, or in the same summer camp, or any other recurring activity, we've each paid for our own kids. Somehow to me it seems like the line is between those two things.

Do you think that if there wasn't an income differential, it would play out the same?

[Anonymous]

I’m inclined to think it’s fine. How many lessons are we talking?

Honestly it’s probably nothing to them.

[Anonymous]

I’m a full pay parent and I have a kid I struggle to keep engaged in activities, especially if there is no social element. I wonder if your kid’s engagement is actually a favor to the other parent.

[Anonymous]

I would re-iterate thanks for the paying in her part and tell her you’d love to do the driving as your contribution.

Also if it’s something like private tennis lessons it doesn’t cost much more to have two than one at a time. You’re basically laying for the instructor’s time per hour with a small addition for the second player.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a full pay parent and I have a kid I struggle to keep engaged in activities, especially if there is no social element. I wonder if your kid’s engagement is actually a favor to the other parent.

Without a doubt both kids enjoy it more with a friend. I think both sets of parents, and both boys, are really happy that they they have this friendship. But in my mind when you do someone "a favor" it implies that it only benefits one side. My kid happily ice skating with their kid isn't a favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m inclined to think it’s fine. How many lessons are we talking?

Honestly it’s probably nothing to them.

From looking at the website, I think you buy the lessons in a pack, so like 4 lessons at a time, and then you buy another pack of 4. They might already be paying that way. I don't actually know. But we'd be going from every few weeks the kid says "do you want to go?" and they get a random instructor, to having it on the schedule every Thursday at 5:00 with the same instructor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would re-iterate thanks for the paying in her part and tell her you’d love to do the driving as your contribution.

Also if it’s something like private tennis lessons it doesn’t cost much more to have two than one at a time. You’re basically laying for the instructor’s time per hour with a small addition for the second player.

It's like ice skating. So, if you have two kids you pay for two entries, and two skate rentals (well their kid probably owns ice skates, but mine doesn't). But also, I think that if their kid was going alone they'd probably put him in group lessons, so he'd have other kids. That's what I'd do, not just because of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Interesting that you both think it's fine.

My kids have done plenty of activities with other kids. I've paid for a bunch of one time things, but any time another parent and I have coordinated to put our kids on the same sports team, or in the same summer camp, or any other recurring activity, we've each paid for our own kids. Somehow to me it seems like the line is between those two things.

Do you think that if there wasn't an income differential, it would play out the same?

Maybe, but if the kids are great friends and these parents seem happy to cover it, I'd let them cover it. But I'm also extremely conflict-averse and hate discussing money, etc.

[Anonymous]

I would agree with your initial reaction, OP. But then, we are the middle class family in this scenario. For an occasional outing, I am ok with the other family paying, even for a more expensive option that they choose (e.g., taking the kids skiing for a day and paying everything including a semi-private lesson rather than a group lesson). For a regular activity, no. It makes your child’s participation depend on the other family. I would consider it a debt.

If I couldn’t afford it, I wouldn’t do it. But if you are leaning toward letting the other family pay, at the very least, as a PP mentioned, I would insist on doing all the driving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a full pay parent and I have a kid I struggle to keep engaged in activities, especially if there is no social element. I wonder if your kid’s engagement is actually a favor to the other parent.

Without a doubt both kids enjoy it more with a friend. I think both sets of parents, and both boys, are really happy that they they have this friendship. But in my mind when you do someone "a favor" it implies that it only benefits one side. My kid happily ice skating with their kid isn't a favor.

It is a favor to me if (1) I want my kid to ice skate and (2) the only way he will happily ice skate is with your kid. This sounds like a true friendship - don’t let money get in the way. Let them pay and you could do a lot of the driving or just keep inviting him over to your place too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would agree with your initial reaction, OP. But then, we are the middle class family in this scenario. For an occasional outing, I am ok with the other family paying, even for a more expensive option that they choose (e.g., taking the kids skiing for a day and paying everything including a semi-private lesson rather than a group lesson). For a regular activity, no. It makes your child’s participation depend on the other family. I would consider it a debt.

If I couldn’t afford it, I wouldn’t do it. But if you are leaning toward letting the other family pay, at the very least, as a PP mentioned, I would insist on doing all the driving.

I can afford it. I'm just not sure if fighting to do so is obnoxious or expected.

[Anonymous]

They are happy to pay. I have done the same (but think of me as the upper middle class family with a working class family). If the kids enjoy one another's company, and the activity, it's a win for everyone.

My son's friend's parents invite him over for dinner all the time, and it's lovely. The kids have a great time and I'm thrilled they have developed a close friendship.