I insist on paying this right?

[Anonymous]

The ostensibly wealthy family offering to pick up the costs for OP's kid isn't necessarily condescension. If both OP and the other family were very wealthy, the cost of the lessons would be a drop in the bucket, and no one would care. You just figure it will work itself out in the wash, just like someone dropping a credit card to cover the cost of lunch is NBD.

I think you politely offered, and the other family basically says "your kid is a guest, we're covering it" and moves on from there. (It may also mean that their kid is getting more instructor attention, which your kid might not be noticing, but thus far everything you've said seems to indicate no ulterior motives on the part of the other family). Reciprocate by doing whatever activities with the kids you think they'd enjoy, without paying attention to the costs.

When I was a kid, my dad was a physician but I was friends with a bunch of kids whose parents were lower middle class -- truckers, LPNs, teacher's aides, that sort of thing. My parents paid without blinking, took us to nice restaurants, etc. The other parents cheerfully exposed me to things that I'd otherwise not having gotten to do because my parents regarded it as beneath their class. Worked out great for me.

[Anonymous]

Are you saying, as a wealthy parent, that if you and another parent of similar economic status decided to put your kids in a sport together, you’d just pay because it’s a drop in the bucket? Like you are regularly paying for Larla’s soccer or Larlo’s gymnastics, when they aren’t your kids? Not just when you take them, but ongoing lessons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a full pay parent and I have a kid I struggle to keep engaged in activities, especially if there is no social element. I wonder if your kid’s engagement is actually a favor to the other parent.

+1
We've been in a similar position and I'm just happy my kid is happy. I'd pay double for my kid to enjoy some things, like skiing, which I still force him to do in ski school, because the entire family skis. He complains endlessly. If I could find him a friend and hire a private instructor I would, if it meant he would enjoy it. Problem is, we ski Utah and live in DMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a full pay parent and I have a kid I struggle to keep engaged in activities, especially if there is no social element. I wonder if your kid’s engagement is actually a favor to the other parent.

+1
We've been in a similar position and I'm just happy my kid is happy. I'd pay double for my kid to enjoy some things, like skiing, which I still force him to do in ski school, because the entire family skis. He complains endlessly. If I could find him a friend and hire a private instructor I would, if it meant he would enjoy it. Problem is, we ski Utah and live in DMV.

I will be willing to go to Utah with, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let them pay and find other ways to return the favor like inviting the friend to do other activities with your child

+1
This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am worried that this other mom is going to read this. I didn't think of this earlier.

I want to be clear that I'm not bothered that she offered. I think it was very generous of her. I'd like to understand it, and whether it's just the norm that rich people pay for other kids, or if it's something she's doing because she thinks it will have a bigger impact on our budget than hers.

My kid really likes this kid. I want the friendship to continue and develop. So, I just want to do the right thing to help that happen. I also want to be really clear that he'd be there whether or not she paid, because I don't want her kid to feel like maybe the money is why he's there. The other kid is a little shyer than mine, and the mom has made comments about my kid being really kind and patient and generous. And you know what? He's an awesome kid. But he's not there out of kindness, or generosity. He's there because he met another awesome kid too and they hit it off. So, I don't want a hint of worry in her mind that maybe my kid wouldn't come if she didn't pay, or that he's not as excited to see her kid, as her kid is to see mine.

So, I don't know what carries that message best. Saying "OK you can pay" or "I really want to pay"? I like the idea of taking that money and picking another activity that I set up, but I think the kids really like what they've been doing when they come to my house which is just hanging out. I think kids need both things, activities, and time to just chill together.

As someone who is not wealthy I have actually offered something similar to a good friend of DD's who I'm pretty sure is around the same income level.
We did this because the lesson is more fun when DD has a friend and because it is an activity where it's helpful to have more than one person. Think something like basketball where it's not as fun for the child to train by herself.

The other parent, like you, offered to pay but I declined given that it was again 1. a good friend and 2. because my child would really enjoying having the friend along.
It worked out great. The other parent did end up driving sometimes which was very nice.
The other family hosts DD a lot and they do a lot of other things together. It's not about the money but about the experience and time of having the kids together.

[Anonymous]

Trust me. As the rich parent with a kid who isn’t excited about much, you’re doing this mom a favor and she isn’t evening thinking about the cost again. She’s just charging it and then it gets auto paid every month.

[Anonymous]

Why hasn't anyone suggested the following?

OP, just take their child to a few "nicer" (slightly more expensive) activities/outings? You know, things that are one-offs, like a nice lunch out or go to mini golf and ice cream or whatever teenagers like to do...instead of spaghetti at home (which is really fine!) if you feel guilty just up your game a little with this kid and then accept the offer of the lessons.

[Anonymous]

So in OP’s situation, would OP’s child be there to serve the needs of the other child (so he has fun) and his mother (so her child doesn’t whine) who can afford to pay for OP’s child to be there? What if the kids had a falling out as happens regularly at this age?

[Anonymous]

I think if the dynamic is "favor" we'll back out. I'm not interested in my kid being used that way.

Can someone explain why, if people claim it's not about the money, people are so opposed to my kid keeping his dignity and me being allowed to provide for my own child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So in OP’s situation, would OP’s child be there to serve the needs of the other child (so he has fun) and his mother (so her child doesn’t whine) who can afford to pay for OP’s child to be there? What if the kids had a falling out as happens regularly at this age?

Yes, the implication on this thread is my kid is the paid help, not an equal, not a friend, something that has been bought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why hasn't anyone suggested the following?

OP, just take their child to a few "nicer" (slightly more expensive) activities/outings? You know, things that are one-offs, like a nice lunch out or go to mini golf and ice cream or whatever teenagers like to do...instead of spaghetti at home (which is really fine!) if you feel guilty just up your game a little with this kid and then accept the offer of the lessons.

OP here,

What does that teach my kid? First, that I let him be bought, and then that I'm ashamed of the lifestyle that his father and I have worked hard to provide for our kids, and so when "better" company comes over we "up our game"?

To be clear, I don't feel guilty, I feel used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So in OP’s situation, would OP’s child be there to serve the needs of the other child (so he has fun) and his mother (so her child doesn’t whine) who can afford to pay for OP’s child to be there? What if the kids had a falling out as happens regularly at this age?

Yes, the implication on this thread is my kid is the paid help, not an equal, not a friend, something that has been bought.

That seems like a really paranoid way to look at it. When I took my kid to do private coaching, a friend of his would often tag along. I paid for both of them, and I was happy to. My kid got a better workout (there are more options for training with two kids) and my kid had a lot more fun. The kids were kids and were totally unaware of the financial side of things. In fact, the other kid was a standout athlete and got trained a lot for free by trainers who liked to say that they trained him, so I’m not sure he knew anybody paid for training.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why hasn't anyone suggested the following?

OP, just take their child to a few "nicer" (slightly more expensive) activities/outings? You know, things that are one-offs, like a nice lunch out or go to mini golf and ice cream or whatever teenagers like to do...instead of spaghetti at home (which is really fine!) if you feel guilty just up your game a little with this kid and then accept the offer of the lessons.

OP here,

What does that teach my kid? First, that I let him be bought, and then that I'm ashamed of the lifestyle that his father and I have worked hard to provide for our kids, and so when "better" company comes over we "up our game"?

To be clear, I don't feel guilty, I feel used.

You are too much, OP. Hopefully the other mom will soon realize that you are exhausting and end the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if the dynamic is "favor" we'll back out. I'm not interested in my kid being used that way.

Can someone explain why, if people claim it's not about the money, people are so opposed to my kid keeping his dignity and me being allowed to provide for my own child?

Your child was invited to do something by someone else. The host is paying for the activity because they invited your kid. This is basic etiquette and completely normal. If she wanted to split it, she would have offered that when you asked twice. You are really taking this too personally and have some deep insecurities around money.