divorce from an adult child view

[Anonymous]

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Self-centered are the parents who divorced while expecting that they won’t shoulder any of the inconvenience. A lot of these so-called parents could use a dose of shut up. That’s not being a martyr. That’s an adult child sick of listening to their parents’ childish whining.

Yes, because it certainly is not an inconvenience for the parents to go through the huge changes that divorce brings into their lives (who you live with, where you live, the finances etc etc + divorces tend to be emotionally difficult even when they're 'easy'). That is NOTHING compared to you having to visit two households during Christmas!

DP here. I’m not visiting twice as many people on the holidays. If you choose to divorce, you get half as much time. That’s how it works. I will rotate but I will not twist my family into a pretzel. And I don’t feel guilty - this is what you chose.

So they're gonna get half as much eldercare from you too? Half-manage their medical care when they're too old to do it? You're gonna half-sell their house, half-find them an assisted living?

NP, with divorced parents and in-laws; only my MIL is remarried, FIL passed away several years ago. My parents live nearby and are amicable, but have different levels of functioning. They divorced, after decades of a terrible, high-conflict marriage, when I was in my mid-20s.

It's unreasonable to expect one's adult children to sacrifice their well-being and potentially that of their children on your behalf. That expectation is complicated by divorce because people only have so much bandwidth for various things. So, yeah. I'll do my best to support them, but I'm not compromising my health or my ability to parent my own children because of my parents. I spent years (and a lot of money) in therapy undoing the consequences of their lousy marriage. They've taken enough.

+1 more excellent boundary setting by a ACOD!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:+1 to posters saying that married in-laws aren’t necessarily better. The first time I met my MIL she made snarky, self-righteous comment about her not being divorced unlike my parents. But my husband has issues likely caused by his parents’ crappy marriage, plus they really aren’t easy to be around because they bicker all the time. I like my in-laws generally but it’s not the case that I have more baggage than my husband.

And neither of us really blames our parents for some of our issues. Our issues might not be our fault but we are the ones responsible for dealing with them.

Would you like them better divorced, though? She could marry someone awful, your FIL could too, then there would be even more people to deal with. Nobody's saying a crappy marriage is easy or good. But really, think of the alternative.

It's not at all about what I would like. What they do in their marriage is their business. But more to the point, no matter how many issues my in-laws might cause my husband (and it would be bizarre if my husband, at age 38, suddenly had major personal problems because if the introduction of a stepmother), it is his responsibility to deal with them.

It would not be bizarre! A stepmother can be introduced at any time in life. It might not emotionally upset him in the same way it would if he were a child living in a household with a stepmother, but believe me, an older parent making a bad remarriage choice can be quite hellish for the adult children. If your FIL married someone who was an alcoholic or had financial problems or had adult children with problems, or even just major health problems, believe me the whole family will feel it-- including you. You can say it's his responsibility to deal with them, but you'll feel the impact.

*Major* personal problems? Disagree. That would be bizarre. My mom has a plethora of extreme issues issues--emotional, financial, and personal-- that just seem to keep coming and I have grown up enough to not have *major* personal problems because of them.

I cannot imagine somebody taking into consideration the theoretical possibility of an adult child having major personal problems when deciding whether or not to divorce at an older age. But I guess if somebody wants their parent to remain miserable so they don't have to deal with problems that could potentially stem from a bad step-mom, that's their business.

Well, is your mom a competent and functioning person? Lucky you. It's when the parents get too old to manage their own affairs that things become difficult for the ACOD.

Nobody thinks parents should remain miserable forever. But it does often happen that it makes life more difficult for the children, immediately but also in the eldercare phase of life. And a good parent would absolutely consider that if they care about their children. But unfortunately people who make the wrong marriage choice once are likely to make it again.

No she isn’t competent and functioning, not really. My siblings and I do a lot for her and we are going to get a conservatorship for her soon. It’s all a pain and I have my own kids to take care of too. I still don’t think my dad should have had to stay with her so that he could be taking care of her and not her kids. In fact something like that never would have occurred to me.

But this doesn't strike you as a "major personal problem"? It seems like it very much is a significant problem that you personally have to deal with, so....

I wouldn't expect your dad to stay married to spare you either. But I can't deny that it's a consequence of divorce for you.

but this isn't a consequence of divorce, it's a consequence of AGING ... which we ALL have to deal with. Having two aging parents in the same house doesn't magically make this challenge go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 to posters saying that married in-laws aren’t necessarily better. The first time I met my MIL she made snarky, self-righteous comment about her not being divorced unlike my parents. But my husband has issues likely caused by his parents’ crappy marriage, plus they really aren’t easy to be around because they bicker all the time. I like my in-laws generally but it’s not the case that I have more baggage than my husband.

And neither of us really blames our parents for some of our issues. Our issues might not be our fault but we are the ones responsible for dealing with them.

Would you like them better divorced, though? She could marry someone awful, your FIL could too, then there would be even more people to deal with. Nobody's saying a crappy marriage is easy or good. But really, think of the alternative.

It's not at all about what I would like. What they do in their marriage is their business. But more to the point, no matter how many issues my in-laws might cause my husband (and it would be bizarre if my husband, at age 38, suddenly had major personal problems because if the introduction of a stepmother), it is his responsibility to deal with them.

It would not be bizarre! A stepmother can be introduced at any time in life. It might not emotionally upset him in the same way it would if he were a child living in a household with a stepmother, but believe me, an older parent making a bad remarriage choice can be quite hellish for the adult children. If your FIL married someone who was an alcoholic or had financial problems or had adult children with problems, or even just major health problems, believe me the whole family will feel it-- including you. You can say it's his responsibility to deal with them, but you'll feel the impact.

*Major* personal problems? Disagree. That would be bizarre. My mom has a plethora of extreme issues issues--emotional, financial, and personal-- that just seem to keep coming and I have grown up enough to not have *major* personal problems because of them.

I cannot imagine somebody taking into consideration the theoretical possibility of an adult child having major personal problems when deciding whether or not to divorce at an older age. But I guess if somebody wants their parent to remain miserable so they don't have to deal with problems that could potentially stem from a bad step-mom, that's their business.

Well, is your mom a competent and functioning person? Lucky you. It's when the parents get too old to manage their own affairs that things become difficult for the ACOD.

Nobody thinks parents should remain miserable forever. But it does often happen that it makes life more difficult for the children, immediately but also in the eldercare phase of life. And a good parent would absolutely consider that if they care about their children. But unfortunately people who make the wrong marriage choice once are likely to make it again.

No she isn’t competent and functioning, not really. My siblings and I do a lot for her and we are going to get a conservatorship for her soon. It’s all a pain and I have my own kids to take care of too. I still don’t think my dad should have had to stay with her so that he could be taking care of her and not her kids. In fact something like that never would have occurred to me.

But this doesn't strike you as a "major personal problem"? It seems like it very much is a significant problem that you personally have to deal with, so....

I wouldn't expect your dad to stay married to spare you either. But I can't deny that it's a consequence of divorce for you.

but this isn't a consequence of divorce, it's a consequence of AGING ... which we ALL have to deal with. Having two aging parents in the same house doesn't magically make this challenge go away.

How many houses do you have to clean out and sell? ONE.
Is anyone there to call 911 if your parent falls down? YES.
Do they help each other with some stuff, rather than both of them wanting you to help them separately? YES.
Do you also have to deal with their new partners and those people's relatives? NO.
See?

[Anonymous]

As someone getting divorced against her will, these posts depress TF out of me I so badly want to spare my kids from all this drama. It's heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you all (and I am also an ACOD, but I don't have a relationship with one of my parents).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 to posters saying that married in-laws aren’t necessarily better. The first time I met my MIL she made snarky, self-righteous comment about her not being divorced unlike my parents. But my husband has issues likely caused by his parents’ crappy marriage, plus they really aren’t easy to be around because they bicker all the time. I like my in-laws generally but it’s not the case that I have more baggage than my husband.

And neither of us really blames our parents for some of our issues. Our issues might not be our fault but we are the ones responsible for dealing with them.

Would you like them better divorced, though? She could marry someone awful, your FIL could too, then there would be even more people to deal with. Nobody's saying a crappy marriage is easy or good. But really, think of the alternative.

It's not at all about what I would like. What they do in their marriage is their business. But more to the point, no matter how many issues my in-laws might cause my husband (and it would be bizarre if my husband, at age 38, suddenly had major personal problems because if the introduction of a stepmother), it is his responsibility to deal with them.

It would not be bizarre! A stepmother can be introduced at any time in life. It might not emotionally upset him in the same way it would if he were a child living in a household with a stepmother, but believe me, an older parent making a bad remarriage choice can be quite hellish for the adult children. If your FIL married someone who was an alcoholic or had financial problems or had adult children with problems, or even just major health problems, believe me the whole family will feel it-- including you. You can say it's his responsibility to deal with them, but you'll feel the impact.

*Major* personal problems? Disagree. That would be bizarre. My mom has a plethora of extreme issues issues--emotional, financial, and personal-- that just seem to keep coming and I have grown up enough to not have *major* personal problems because of them.

I cannot imagine somebody taking into consideration the theoretical possibility of an adult child having major personal problems when deciding whether or not to divorce at an older age. But I guess if somebody wants their parent to remain miserable so they don't have to deal with problems that could potentially stem from a bad step-mom, that's their business.

Well, is your mom a competent and functioning person? Lucky you. It's when the parents get too old to manage their own affairs that things become difficult for the ACOD.

Nobody thinks parents should remain miserable forever. But it does often happen that it makes life more difficult for the children, immediately but also in the eldercare phase of life. And a good parent would absolutely consider that if they care about their children. But unfortunately people who make the wrong marriage choice once are likely to make it again.

No she isn’t competent and functioning, not really. My siblings and I do a lot for her and we are going to get a conservatorship for her soon. It’s all a pain and I have my own kids to take care of too. I still don’t think my dad should have had to stay with her so that he could be taking care of her and not her kids. In fact something like that never would have occurred to me.

But this doesn't strike you as a "major personal problem"? It seems like it very much is a significant problem that you personally have to deal with, so....

I wouldn't expect your dad to stay married to spare you either. But I can't deny that it's a consequence of divorce for you.

but this isn't a consequence of divorce, it's a consequence of AGING ... which we ALL have to deal with. Having two aging parents in the same house doesn't magically make this challenge go away.

How many houses do you have to clean out and sell? ONE. <-- irrelevant, some married people own multiple house, some divorced people have very little to their name
Is anyone there to call 911 if your parent falls down? YES. <-- what if both parents are ill? one it out of the house? get them a life alert or apple watch if you are that worried about a fall
Do they help each other with some stuff, rather than both of them wanting you to help them separately? YES. <-- it's called friends, my single mother has many of them
Do you also have to deal with their new partners and those people's relatives? NO. <-- i wish i had a larger extended network of family, so this would be a plus for me for me if my mother married
See?

see? it's all about the unique personal preferences and situations of a family. it's about the parents temperament, it is not about the divorce itself.

sometimes it's harder, sometimes it's easier.

that is life.

i will validate your feelings that caring for aging parents is hard. but i will not extend sympathy to someone who is clearly very angry at their parents and are trying to find ways to blame challenges of life (which we all face) solely on their parents. you are looking for something to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone getting divorced against her will, these posts depress TF out of me I so badly want to spare my kids from all this drama. It's heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you all (and I am also an ACOD, but I don't have a relationship with one of my parents).

Aww honey. It's hard. But you're doing the right thing by educating yourself and reading the perspectives of others! The divorced parents and other people who are in denial about the impact are the absolute worst. If you're making a good faith effort to minimize the impact, you'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone getting divorced against her will, these posts depress TF out of me I so badly want to spare my kids from all this drama. It's heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you all (and I am also an ACOD, but I don't have a relationship with one of my parents).

ignore this one very angry poster - there are many posts on there talking about how divorce what was best for them, and they are glad their parents did. See the posts outlining things you can do to make it easier - don't speak ill of your ex, don't use your child as your therapist, respect your child's boundaries and needs to keep their other parent in their life if they choose, and be prepared to split holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my parents have been married and divorced several times. Once I was in college, I disengaged significantly and their lives don't really affect me. I was able to maintain a relationship with my father for several more years than I was with my mother, but now neither.

I had to check to see if I wrote this. Same exact thing. I just have no interest in their lives anymore. It become too difficult and complicated to keep up relationships with them.

I focus on being a good spouse and parent now- that is where 100% of my energy is funneled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t stand adults that think their parents should stay married for the sake of the adult kids. So selfish. Yes, life may be harder, splitting holidays is no fun; it may be upsetting to realize your parents aren’t happy, but seriously, people deserve an opportunity to live the end of their lives as they see fit. Mind you, parents that choose the divorce have no business guilting their kids about sharing holidays, or however else they are negatively affected by the divorce; it’s a two way street.

It's not about the divorce as much as it about selfish entitled behavior from parents.

1.) Allow your kids to love both parents.
2.) Accept if you don't get along with ex you will see kids and grandkids less. It's not their job to cater and there is only so much grandparent time. Nuclear families need their own space and time and vacations.
3.) Don't force relationships. If your new spouse plays favorites with his/her biological kids and your kids feel like trash, then they will probably visit even less.
4.) Make wise choices in old age. Look into CCRCs. Inevitably both parents or parents and inlaws have health crises all at the same time. You go first to those who truly showed love to you. Sometimes even that is impossible. Sometimes the burn out is just too much, especially when each parent and inlaw is single and has no caregiver.

Agree. It isn’t that parents should be happy and have the relationships (or lack of) that bring them joy.

It is that, parents that divorce have a REALLY hard time with all of the above. It ends up pushing their adult children away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone getting divorced against her will, these posts depress TF out of me I so badly want to spare my kids from all this drama. It's heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you all (and I am also an ACOD, but I don't have a relationship with one of my parents).

Aww honey. It's hard. But you're doing the right thing by educating yourself and reading the perspectives of others! The divorced parents and other people who are in denial about the impact are the absolute worst. If you're making a good faith effort to minimize the impact, you'll be fine.

As one of the PPs, there's a lot you can do to mitigate the impacts on your kids. My mom and I have a good relationship, and I took care of her when she had cancer a few years ago. It's when parents refuse to take responsibility for their behavior that it becomes problematic.

Part of my setting firm boundaries is that I had to grow up with my parents' terrible marriage AND now have to deal with the issues of an ACOD. It's like the worst of both worlds. As much as some try to deny that it's not harder to be an adult with divorced parents, overall, it is. Of course there are exceptions to everything, but that doesn't mean that on balance it's not more complicated. Two wills to deal with, etc. etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm five years out from my divorce, my kids were 15 and 21 at the time - now I am past the emotional roller-coaster my ex and I went through (and inevitably put them through) I have reason to believe they see us both happier than when we were married, and they see us getting along better apart than we ever did married. The ex and I live a mile apart and we agreed he gets Thanksgiving and I get Christmas, so holidays don't cause the hassle they would otherwise cause. All in all, it was a gauntlet that we all got through and learned from the experience.

So what's your plan for holidays when your children have significant others? Because it won't be you get every Christmas and your ex-husband gets every Thanksgiving. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:See, it's not just visiting one *home*. It's visiting one family (mom and her boyfriend), with everything they want to do and everywhere they want to go. And then visiting another (dad and his wife) with their activities and everything. Both sides are trying to cram their stuff into half the time. And there's way more people to plan around and compromise with-- stepsiblings and the boomers' own parents and everything.

Eventually I had to put my foot down and refuse to leave either house to visit new-partner extended family. They come to us or we don't see them. But because my mom is trying to play Matriarch of a Big Happy Family, she's constantly going on about how all "the cousins" (meaning my kids and her boyfriend's grandkids) get along so well. But of course we're not a happy family, they don't get along, and I'm not willing to invest any time or effort in this charade. But this is the kind of thing I'm talking about when I say "dragging my kids around"-- it's not just going to their houses, it's the whole holiday dealie. And no matter what time of year it is, they're going to be trying to cram their stuff into half the time, and trying to make me spend time with various people that I don't care about and would literally never see again if they broke up.

Much of this has to do with your parents' and relatives' personalities though, rather than the fact they are divorced.

Also, if my parents were married they would probably go to the same church as each other. And they wouldn't have new spouses with extended families to pressure us to spend time with, and we wouldn't have to plan our schedules around so many people. Even though my parents do like to bring their grandkids to church and show them off, and I think it's good and important that my kids spend time their *actual* cousins (rather than their pretend step-cousins), and that would be a manageable amount of stuff to do. It gets out of hand when my parents are trying to have separate mirror-image families in their 50% of our visit. So it really is because of the divorce. Without the divorce, it would be manageable.

I am picking up on a lot of resentment in your posts, you view your mother's relationship as a "charade" and your step siblings as "pretend" siblings rather than accepting your mother can live her life as she chooses, with whomever she loves, and you are able to place boundaries around areas that cross a line for you. You are both adults. Your mother is a human in her own right, fallible as they are.

You complain that visiting two homes is too hard, they pack it full with things they want to do, they want to live this false family life as if your family of origin didn't exist - but you also are pinning for some fictitious world where your parent's are happily married, live in the same house, attend the same church ...

I mean this as kindly as possible, but you might find relief in exploring this with a therapist. And boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

I'm sure you do mean it in a nice way, but we ACOD are so often told that we need therapy, as if it's our fault for not liking these logistical burdens placed on us or not thinking the daughter of my mom's boyfriend, whom I've literally never met even one time, as a sibling. As if therapy would somehow change us into people who complied with the demands of others. But that's not what therapy does.

I don't think my mother's relationship itself is a charade, but the idea that my children and her boyfriend's grandchildren are cousins is simply untrue. They are not related by blood, adoption, or marriage, or even an especially long dating relationship. They've met each other twice in their lives. Yet she goes on and on each year about how she's sooooooo sad we aren't "getting the cousins together" because I refuse to schedule my life around it.

I don't pine for my parents to be married-- they were incompatible and unhappy. But I do wish I had a less stressful family, and I do think it's inconsiderate of my parents to not see my point of view. I wish I weren't always having to fend off proposals and surprises and coincidences that lead to me spending time with people I wouldn't agree to see if I were asked. I wish I and my kids could just rest a little while, not be running from event to event and place to place so that my parents can have the life they would have had in an intact family. I've laid down some boundaries to deal with this stuff, but here's the thing-- you can say "boundaries" all day but in some families it just leads to passive-aggressive pouting, trickery, and other drama. It isn't necessarily less work or stress that way.

NP. You are SPOT ON, PP, and I applaud you for standing up for yourself both in this forum and in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See, it's not just visiting one *home*. It's visiting one family (mom and her boyfriend), with everything they want to do and everywhere they want to go. And then visiting another (dad and his wife) with their activities and everything. Both sides are trying to cram their stuff into half the time. And there's way more people to plan around and compromise with-- stepsiblings and the boomers' own parents and everything.

Eventually I had to put my foot down and refuse to leave either house to visit new-partner extended family. They come to us or we don't see them. But because my mom is trying to play Matriarch of a Big Happy Family, she's constantly going on about how all "the cousins" (meaning my kids and her boyfriend's grandkids) get along so well. But of course we're not a happy family, they don't get along, and I'm not willing to invest any time or effort in this charade. But this is the kind of thing I'm talking about when I say "dragging my kids around"-- it's not just going to their houses, it's the whole holiday dealie. And no matter what time of year it is, they're going to be trying to cram their stuff into half the time, and trying to make me spend time with various people that I don't care about and would literally never see again if they broke up.

Much of this has to do with your parents' and relatives' personalities though, rather than the fact they are divorced.

Also, if my parents were married they would probably go to the same church as each other. And they wouldn't have new spouses with extended families to pressure us to spend time with, and we wouldn't have to plan our schedules around so many people. Even though my parents do like to bring their grandkids to church and show them off, and I think it's good and important that my kids spend time their *actual* cousins (rather than their pretend step-cousins), and that would be a manageable amount of stuff to do. It gets out of hand when my parents are trying to have separate mirror-image families in their 50% of our visit. So it really is because of the divorce. Without the divorce, it would be manageable.

I am picking up on a lot of resentment in your posts, you view your mother's relationship as a "charade" and your step siblings as "pretend" siblings rather than accepting your mother can live her life as she chooses, with whomever she loves, and you are able to place boundaries around areas that cross a line for you. You are both adults. Your mother is a human in her own right, fallible as they are.

You complain that visiting two homes is too hard, they pack it full with things they want to do, they want to live this false family life as if your family of origin didn't exist - but you also are pinning for some fictitious world where your parent's are happily married, live in the same house, attend the same church ...

I mean this as kindly as possible, but you might find relief in exploring this with a therapist. And boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

I'm sure you do mean it in a nice way, but we ACOD are so often told that we need therapy, as if it's our fault for not liking these logistical burdens placed on us or not thinking the daughter of my mom's boyfriend, whom I've literally never met even one time, as a sibling. As if therapy would somehow change us into people who complied with the demands of others. But that's not what therapy does.

I don't think my mother's relationship itself is a charade, but the idea that my children and her boyfriend's grandchildren are cousins is simply untrue. They are not related by blood, adoption, or marriage, or even an especially long dating relationship. They've met each other twice in their lives. Yet she goes on and on each year about how she's sooooooo sad we aren't "getting the cousins together" because I refuse to schedule my life around it.

I don't pine for my parents to be married-- they were incompatible and unhappy. But I do wish I had a less stressful family, and I do think it's inconsiderate of my parents to not see my point of view. I wish I weren't always having to fend off proposals and surprises and coincidences that lead to me spending time with people I wouldn't agree to see if I were asked. I wish I and my kids could just rest a little while, not be running from event to event and place to place so that my parents can have the life they would have had in an intact family. I've laid down some boundaries to deal with this stuff, but here's the thing-- you can say "boundaries" all day but in some families it just leads to passive-aggressive pouting, trickery, and other drama. It isn't necessarily less work or stress that way.

let me be clear, I do not suggest therapy because I think it's your fault. I suggest therapy because life is hard, and some times we need help to process that, and it seems like you are struggling with that and really ruminating on the negatives.

I myself had my family of origin torn apart after the sudden death of a parent as a child, and subsequent physical abuse for years from a grieving family member. Personally, I would welcome a childhood of divorce and the burden of too many family members too visit over what I faced. It also wasn't my fault, and I also did not like the burdens placed on me ... so I went to therapy for years until I could give that child version of myself what I was not given as a child. We owe ourselves more in life than to stay in a discontent place.

I don't fault you for not feeling the kinship for the "cousins" - but this is where boundaries are important. If it's too much to ask of you, say no. If you do not like the treatment you are getting, you stop participating.

You state you think it's inconsiderate for your parents not to see your point of view - but maybe they do, but it's just that they are now prioritizing themselves as I assume you are a grown adult. Maybe they are just jerks and/or narcissist (as refences to the emotional manipulation you allude to), and my answer would still be boundaries and therapy for you.

You seem to be most exhausted by the proposals to visit with lots of extended members of your mother's network. You say you have laid down boundaries, which leads to pouting and manipulative tactics ... and it isn't any less work or stress. The point is ... boundaries work over time, your mother will learn your boundaries so long as you are consistent, just as you do with children. It becomes easier the longer you establish your boundaries. To cave in is to take the easy road, it's immediate gratification (appease your mother) and undermining your values and boundaries.

Or, you can just continue to complain, and complain, and complain - your choice!

NP. You're whole "life could be work just look at me I'm abused" trope is gross. And also, PP doesn't seem to "complain and complain and complain" so much as she WAS ASKED BY OP what her experience is life, and she SHARED HER EXPERIENCE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Self-centered are the parents who divorced while expecting that they won’t shoulder any of the inconvenience. A lot of these so-called parents could use a dose of shut up. That’s not being a martyr. That’s an adult child sick of listening to their parents’ childish whining.

Yes, because it certainly is not an inconvenience for the parents to go through the huge changes that divorce brings into their lives (who you live with, where you live, the finances etc etc + divorces tend to be emotionally difficult even when they're 'easy'). That is NOTHING compared to you having to visit two households during Christmas!

DP here. I’m not visiting twice as many people on the holidays. If you choose to divorce, you get half as much time. That’s how it works. I will rotate but I will not twist my family into a pretzel. And I don’t feel guilty - this is what you chose.

So they're gonna get half as much eldercare from you too? Half-manage their medical care when they're too old to do it? You're gonna half-sell their house, half-find them an assisted living?

Actually, yes! I can only do so much, and I'm not taking away from my husband and kids an unreasonable amount to do the above things. Choices have consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Self-centered are the parents who divorced while expecting that they won’t shoulder any of the inconvenience. A lot of these so-called parents could use a dose of shut up. That’s not being a martyr. That’s an adult child sick of listening to their parents’ childish whining.

Yes, because it certainly is not an inconvenience for the parents to go through the huge changes that divorce brings into their lives (who you live with, where you live, the finances etc etc + divorces tend to be emotionally difficult even when they're 'easy'). That is NOTHING compared to you having to visit two households during Christmas!

DP here. I’m not visiting twice as many people on the holidays. If you choose to divorce, you get half as much time. That’s how it works. I will rotate but I will not twist my family into a pretzel. And I don’t feel guilty - this is what you chose.

So they're gonna get half as much eldercare from you too? Half-manage their medical care when they're too old to do it? You're gonna half-sell their house, half-find them an assisted living?

Actually, yes! I can only do so much, and I'm not taking away from my husband and kids an unreasonable amount to do the above things. Choices have consequences.

YUP.