Reply to divorce from an adult child view

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]+1 to posters saying that married in-laws aren’t necessarily better. The first time I met my MIL she made snarky, self-righteous comment about her not being divorced unlike my parents. But my husband has issues likely caused by his parents’ crappy marriage, plus they really aren’t easy to be around because they bicker all the time. I like my in-laws generally but it’s not the case that I have more baggage than my husband.

And neither of us really blames our parents for some of our issues. Our issues might not be our fault but we are the ones responsible for dealing with them. [/quote]

[b]Would you like them better divorced, though[/b]?  She could marry someone awful, your FIL could too, then there would be even more people to deal with.  Nobody's saying a crappy marriage is easy or good.  But really, think of the alternative.[/quote]

It's not at all about what I would like. What they do in their marriage is their business. But more to the point, no matter how many issues my in-laws might cause my husband (and it would be bizarre if my husband, at age 38, suddenly had major personal problems because if the introduction of a stepmother), it is his responsibility to deal with them.

[/quote]

It would not be bizarre!  A stepmother can be introduced at any time in life.  It might  not emotionally upset him in the same way it would if he were a child living in a household with a stepmother, but believe me, an older parent making a bad remarriage choice can be quite hellish for the adult children.  If your FIL married someone who was an alcoholic or had financial problems or had adult children with problems, or even just major health problems, believe me the whole family will feel it-- including you.  You can say it's his responsibility to deal with them, but you'll feel the impact.[/quote]

*Major* personal problems? Disagree. That would be bizarre. My mom has a plethora of extreme issues issues--emotional, financial, and personal-- that just seem to keep coming and I have grown up enough to not have *major* personal problems because of them.

I cannot imagine somebody taking into consideration the theoretical possibility of an adult child having major personal problems when deciding whether or not to divorce at an older age. But I guess if somebody wants their parent to remain miserable so they don't have to deal with problems that could potentially stem from a bad step-mom, that's their business.[/quote]

Well, is your mom a competent and functioning person?  Lucky you.  It's when the parents get too old to manage their own affairs that things become difficult for the ACOD.

Nobody thinks parents should remain miserable forever.  But it does often happen that it makes life more difficult for the children, immediately but also in the eldercare phase of life.  And a good parent would absolutely consider that if they care about their children.  But unfortunately people who make the wrong marriage choice once are likely to make it again.[/quote]

No she isn’t competent and functioning, not really. My siblings and I do a lot for her and we are going to get a conservatorship for her soon. It’s all a pain and I have my own kids to take care of too.  I still don’t think my dad should have had to stay with her so that he could be taking care of her and not her kids. In fact something like that never would have occurred to me. [/quote]

But this doesn't strike you as a "major personal problem"?  It seems like it very much is a significant problem that you personally have to deal with, so....

I wouldn't expect your dad to stay married to spare you either.  But I can't deny that it's a consequence of divorce for you.[/quote]

but this isn't a consequence of divorce, it's a consequence of AGING ... which we ALL have to deal with.  Having two aging parents in the same house doesn't magically make this challenge go away.[/quote]

How many houses do you have to clean out and sell?  ONE.  [i]<-- irrelevant, some married people own multiple house, some divorced people have very little to their name[/i]
Is anyone there to call 911 if your parent falls down?  YES.  [i]<-- what if both parents are ill? one it out of the house? get them a life alert or apple watch if you are that worried about a fall [/i]
Do they help each other with some stuff, rather than both of them wanting you to help them separately?  YES. <-- [i]it's called friends, my single mother has many of them[/i]
Do you also have to deal with their new partners and those people's relatives? NO. <-- [i]i wish i had a larger extended network of family, so this would be a plus for me for me if my mother married[/i]
See?[/quote]

see? it's all about the unique personal preferences and situations of a family.  it's about the parents temperament, it is not about the divorce itself.

sometimes it's harder, sometimes it's easier.

that is life.

i will validate your feelings that caring for aging parents is hard.   but i will not extend sympathy to someone who is clearly very angry at their parents and are trying to find ways to blame challenges of life (which we all face) solely on their parents.  you are looking for something to blame.[/quote]

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