divorce from an adult child view

[Anonymous]

Mine divorced when I was 18, not really adult and on my own, but in college, and I have the following thoughts:

- I used to think, when I was 18-20ish, that it would have been better had they divorced when I was younger, and been happy, as examples, etc
-- but then for many reasons realized my mother was mentally ill
-- when confronted, my Dad told me he would never have left us with her because he had no idea how she would conduct herself
-- it maybe would have been nice to know the truth about that sooner, but overall, seems impossible for that to have happened.
-- At least I had I one responsible parent in my home growing up.
-- i have no issues with my Dad dating. He has been in a relationship for 10 years now. I am thrilled he is making the most of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: So I'm recently divorced and my adult kids are doing well. One's married but no grandkids yet. It probably helps that exdh and I are amicable enough (we still have a minor so need to be). We have a kid's wedding upcoming and we are working together for the sake of our dc as far as the wedding and dc knows that we are onboard with whatever they choose, like will we walk together or whatever.

It probably also helps that there are no other people involved (no cheating and no new relationships). He probably will seek a relationship. I have no intentions of doing so and could care less whom he dates as long as they treat my kids nicely.

Like I've told them-we're still committed to being (the kids) parents, even though we aren't married anymore.

Right, so, you're in the easy part! It gets WAY harder when you're splitting time with in-laws, dragging little children from household to household, dealing with step-relatives and all the problems and drama they can bring, and trying to deal with two (or four!) really old people in separate locations. Don't think it's always going to be this simple.

It's really salt in the wound how my parents congratulate themselves on being so amicable and so much happier, yet they expect me to do a ton of work to accommodate their divorce and new relationships. If I was only putting in the amount of effort that an adult child of a happy marriage has to do, they'd be much less happy with it. But my children would also lose out in that scenario, so I carry on. It sucks.

But if your parents were still married, you would not be the adult child of a happy marriage.

It sounds like the issue here is that you might need to place some boundaries. I would not drag little children from household to household-that would be a hard no for me. You need to do whatever is best for your nuclear family (meaning you, spouse/partner and kids) regardless of your folks marital status.

As a future grandma (I hope!) who is divorced, I will never expect that. I want to be the safe, welcoming household, and I'm choosing to commit to not putting a step parent into our lives. I acknowledge that their dad may. Us staying married would have ensured a stressful family life for our kids until one of us passed.

[Anonymous]

Both my parents have been married and divorced several times. Once I was in college, I disengaged significantly and their lives don't really affect me. I was able to maintain a relationship with my father for several more years than I was with my mother, but now neither.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: So I'm recently divorced and my adult kids are doing well. One's married but no grandkids yet. It probably helps that exdh and I are amicable enough (we still have a minor so need to be). We have a kid's wedding upcoming and we are working together for the sake of our dc as far as the wedding and dc knows that we are onboard with whatever they choose, like will we walk together or whatever.

It probably also helps that there are no other people involved (no cheating and no new relationships). He probably will seek a relationship. I have no intentions of doing so and could care less whom he dates as long as they treat my kids nicely.

Like I've told them-we're still committed to being (the kids) parents, even though we aren't married anymore.

Right, so, you're in the easy part! It gets WAY harder when you're splitting time with in-laws, dragging little children from household to household, dealing with step-relatives and all the problems and drama they can bring, and trying to deal with two (or four!) really old people in separate locations. Don't think it's always going to be this simple.

It's really salt in the wound how my parents congratulate themselves on being so amicable and so much happier, yet they expect me to do a ton of work to accommodate their divorce and new relationships. If I was only putting in the amount of effort that an adult child of a happy marriage has to do, they'd be much less happy with it. But my children would also lose out in that scenario, so I carry on. It sucks.

But if your parents were still married, you would not be the adult child of a happy marriage.

It sounds like the issue here is that you might need to place some boundaries. I would not drag little children from household to household-that would be a hard no for me. You need to do whatever is best for your nuclear family (meaning you, spouse/partner and kids) regardless of your folks marital status.

As a future grandma (I hope!) who is divorced, I will never expect that. I want to be the safe, welcoming household, and I'm choosing to commit to not putting a step parent into our lives. I acknowledge that their dad may. Us staying married would have ensured a stressful family life for our kids until one of us passed.

Well the hard part is, putting in some boundaries and refusing to do various things would be easier for me. But it would result in significantly less grandparent time for my children. So I have decided that catering to their divorce is what's best, even though it's a pain. It's not that easy being an ACOD with your own kids, there are lot of factors and countervailing pressures. And it's not just because of their new relationships. The core of the problem is that they live in two different houses.

You can stay single but that won't necessarily be better for your children than if you remarried. Adult children tend to feel a lot of responsibility if someone is aging alone. There isn't necessarily a good solution here, that's what makes it hard.

[Anonymous]

It really depends how coddled those ACODs are. Some are hell bent in staying kids forever, so you have to work against that tide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really depends how coddled those ACODs are. Some are hell bent in staying kids forever, so you have to work against that tide.

Yes, caring for two old people in separate locations is exactly what staying a kid forever means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really depends how coddled those ACODs are. Some are hell bent in staying kids forever, so you have to work against that tide.

Some of the most childish people I’ve met are divorced. I don’t think you have to worry about coddles ACODs. It’s the divorced parent yammering on about being alone, not getting their turn, etc. It’s like having two more four year olds in your family. I’m wondering if you are one of those types…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really depends how coddled those ACODs are. Some are hell bent in staying kids forever, so you have to work against that tide.

It really depends on whether or not the parents are so self-involved that they cannot realize they’ve changed the family dynamic and don’t get to have everything they want.

[Anonymous]

If the parents are trying to re-create the life they would have had, just with a different partner, it won't go well. Because the kids can't just swap in the new person in the same way. They still have their other parent to visit and to care for. So if a parent gets whiny and needy about spending holidays without their adult kids and grandkids, that's really annoying because it's a natural and 100% foreseeable consequence of divorce. And if your kids marry, then you might be getting something like 1 Thanksgiving in every 4 years as they rotate around. If you were not farsighted enough to anticipate this, it isn't your children's problem. Own your choices, they didn't create this situation and it isn't on them to stress their families out trying to compensate.

[Anonymous]

The best thing ever. They hated living together and being married but now they are really good friends. Family holidays in vacations are so much more peaceful.

[Anonymous]

It comes down to health and finances in their old age. That’s when having divorced parents can really put a strain on the adult children. Theit partner and friends are also old and only the wealthy can afford the level of care and oversight needed so it falls to the children to pick up the slack in two households.

[Anonymous]

DH's parents are divorced. We really don't see either of them. Our kids are very close to my parents who are still married and their relationship with DH's parents is very distant. Our 3yo has only met her paternal grandfather once when she was an infant. We pay his mortgage and send him about $5,000 a year which he spends on alcohol and golf, and he still asks for more money. He has zero interest in knowing his grandchild. I am a bit resentful of the whole situation, but I live with it and keep it to myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t stand adults that think their parents should stay married for the sake of the adult kids. So selfish. Yes, life may be harder, splitting holidays is no fun; it may be upsetting to realize your parents aren’t happy, but seriously, people deserve an opportunity to live the end of their lives as they see fit. Mind you, parents that choose the divorce have no business guilting their kids about sharing holidays, or however else they are negatively affected by the divorce; it’s a two way street.

+1

[Anonymous]

Right, so, you're in the easy part! It gets WAY harder when you're splitting time with in-laws, dragging little children from household to household, dealing with step-relatives and all the problems and drama they can bring, and trying to deal with two (or four!) really old people in separate locations. Don't think it's always going to be this simple.

It's really salt in the wound how my parents congratulate themselves on being so amicable and so much happier, yet they expect me to do a ton of work to accommodate their divorce and new relationships. If I was only putting in the amount of effort that an adult child of a happy marriage has to do, they'd be much less happy with it. But my children would also lose out in that scenario, so I carry on. It sucks.

Would visiting your parents be also 'dragging little children' to their place, or does it only turn into dragging when it's two places to visit, instead of one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Right, so, you're in the easy part! It gets WAY harder when you're splitting time with in-laws, dragging little children from household to household, dealing with step-relatives and all the problems and drama they can bring, and trying to deal with two (or four!) really old people in separate locations. Don't think it's always going to be this simple.

It's really salt in the wound how my parents congratulate themselves on being so amicable and so much happier, yet they expect me to do a ton of work to accommodate their divorce and new relationships. If I was only putting in the amount of effort that an adult child of a happy marriage has to do, they'd be much less happy with it. But my children would also lose out in that scenario, so I carry on. It sucks.

Would visiting your parents be also 'dragging little children' to their place, or does it only turn into dragging when it's two places to visit, instead of one?

It's dragging either way IMO, but it's normal to visit one home. It's a lot harder when it's two places to visit, especially if their expectations/demands involves a lot of back-and-forthing during the visit. This event at one church, that event at another. This extended family thing, that extended family thing. Getting little kids to nap and sleep in one house, then disrupting it and getting them to nap and sleep in another. It sucks! I have set some boundaries around that stuff because it's exhausting, but if I want my kids to see and know their extended family, I do have to be somewhat flexible.