divorce from an adult child view

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Right, so, you're in the easy part! It gets WAY harder when you're splitting time with in-laws, dragging little children from household to household, dealing with step-relatives and all the problems and drama they can bring, and trying to deal with two (or four!) really old people in separate locations. Don't think it's always going to be this simple.

It's really salt in the wound how my parents congratulate themselves on being so amicable and so much happier, yet they expect me to do a ton of work to accommodate their divorce and new relationships. If I was only putting in the amount of effort that an adult child of a happy marriage has to do, they'd be much less happy with it. But my children would also lose out in that scenario, so I carry on. It sucks.

Would visiting your parents be also 'dragging little children' to their place, or does it only turn into dragging when it's two places to visit, instead of one?

See, it's not just visiting one *home*. It's visiting one family (mom and her boyfriend), with everything they want to do and everywhere they want to go. And then visiting another (dad and his wife) with their activities and everything. Both sides are trying to cram their stuff into half the time. And there's way more people to plan around and compromise with-- stepsiblings and the boomers' own parents and everything.

Eventually I had to put my foot down and refuse to leave either house to visit new-partner extended family. They come to us or we don't see them. But because my mom is trying to play Matriarch of a Big Happy Family, she's constantly going on about how all "the cousins" (meaning my kids and her boyfriend's grandkids) get along so well. But of course we're not a happy family, they don't get along, and I'm not willing to invest any time or effort in this charade. But this is the kind of thing I'm talking about when I say "dragging my kids around"-- it's not just going to their houses, it's the whole holiday dealie. And no matter what time of year it is, they're going to be trying to cram their stuff into half the time, and trying to make me spend time with various people that I don't care about and would literally never see again if they broke up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It comes down to health and finances in their old age. That’s when having divorced parents can really put a strain on the adult children. Theit partner and friends are also old and only the wealthy can afford the level of care and oversight needed so it falls to the children to pick up the slack in two households.

+1000. Don't kid yourself that your friends will take care of you. They're going to be old too, or they'll be enjoying their last years of health and won't want to spend it taking care of you. Divorce will spread your kids' time and attention and money very thin.

[Anonymous]

See, it's not just visiting one *home*. It's visiting one family (mom and her boyfriend), with everything they want to do and everywhere they want to go. And then visiting another (dad and his wife) with their activities and everything. Both sides are trying to cram their stuff into half the time. And there's way more people to plan around and compromise with-- stepsiblings and the boomers' own parents and everything.

Eventually I had to put my foot down and refuse to leave either house to visit new-partner extended family. They come to us or we don't see them. But because my mom is trying to play Matriarch of a Big Happy Family, she's constantly going on about how all "the cousins" (meaning my kids and her boyfriend's grandkids) get along so well. But of course we're not a happy family, they don't get along, and I'm not willing to invest any time or effort in this charade. But this is the kind of thing I'm talking about when I say "dragging my kids around"-- it's not just going to their houses, it's the whole holiday dealie. And no matter what time of year it is, they're going to be trying to cram their stuff into half the time, and trying to make me spend time with various people that I don't care about and would literally never see again if they broke up.

Much of this has to do with your parents' and relatives' personalities though, rather than the fact they are divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See, it's not just visiting one *home*. It's visiting one family (mom and her boyfriend), with everything they want to do and everywhere they want to go. And then visiting another (dad and his wife) with their activities and everything. Both sides are trying to cram their stuff into half the time. And there's way more people to plan around and compromise with-- stepsiblings and the boomers' own parents and everything.

Eventually I had to put my foot down and refuse to leave either house to visit new-partner extended family. They come to us or we don't see them. But because my mom is trying to play Matriarch of a Big Happy Family, she's constantly going on about how all "the cousins" (meaning my kids and her boyfriend's grandkids) get along so well. But of course we're not a happy family, they don't get along, and I'm not willing to invest any time or effort in this charade. But this is the kind of thing I'm talking about when I say "dragging my kids around"-- it's not just going to their houses, it's the whole holiday dealie. And no matter what time of year it is, they're going to be trying to cram their stuff into half the time, and trying to make me spend time with various people that I don't care about and would literally never see again if they broke up.

Much of this has to do with your parents' and relatives' personalities though, rather than the fact they are divorced.

Well yes. But even if we didn't go anywhere, it's still exhausting and a pain to deal with little kids across two houses. And I don't think it's realistic to expect that there wouldn't be any extended family time or whatever. A big part of the problem is that my parents are trying to have the lifestyle that they want, which is basically a happy normal family except with a different partner. But it's not possible to have that unless everyone else goes the extra mile to make it happen. That's what divorced parents of adult children need to accept-- you can't just start over with a new partner and pretend like the first marriage didn't happen. It's always going to be a joint custody kind of situation. You're never going to fully have the family you want. None of us are.

[Anonymous]

For me it's the hassle of two locations, plus their new relationships are also not happy. So it's really really awkward because the atmosphere is tense. We stay in a hotel and don't visit a whole lot. It would be better with one unhappy marriage instead of two, but it's too late now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See, it's not just visiting one *home*. It's visiting one family (mom and her boyfriend), with everything they want to do and everywhere they want to go. And then visiting another (dad and his wife) with their activities and everything. Both sides are trying to cram their stuff into half the time. And there's way more people to plan around and compromise with-- stepsiblings and the boomers' own parents and everything.

Eventually I had to put my foot down and refuse to leave either house to visit new-partner extended family. They come to us or we don't see them. But because my mom is trying to play Matriarch of a Big Happy Family, she's constantly going on about how all "the cousins" (meaning my kids and her boyfriend's grandkids) get along so well. But of course we're not a happy family, they don't get along, and I'm not willing to invest any time or effort in this charade. But this is the kind of thing I'm talking about when I say "dragging my kids around"-- it's not just going to their houses, it's the whole holiday dealie. And no matter what time of year it is, they're going to be trying to cram their stuff into half the time, and trying to make me spend time with various people that I don't care about and would literally never see again if they broke up.

Much of this has to do with your parents' and relatives' personalities though, rather than the fact they are divorced.

Also, if my parents were married they would probably go to the same church as each other. And they wouldn't have new spouses with extended families to pressure us to spend time with, and we wouldn't have to plan our schedules around so many people. Even though my parents do like to bring their grandkids to church and show them off, and I think it's good and important that my kids spend time their *actual* cousins (rather than their pretend step-cousins), and that would be a manageable amount of stuff to do. It gets out of hand when my parents are trying to have separate mirror-image families in their 50% of our visit. So it really is because of the divorce. Without the divorce, it would be manageable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See, it's not just visiting one *home*. It's visiting one family (mom and her boyfriend), with everything they want to do and everywhere they want to go. And then visiting another (dad and his wife) with their activities and everything. Both sides are trying to cram their stuff into half the time. And there's way more people to plan around and compromise with-- stepsiblings and the boomers' own parents and everything.

Eventually I had to put my foot down and refuse to leave either house to visit new-partner extended family. They come to us or we don't see them. But because my mom is trying to play Matriarch of a Big Happy Family, she's constantly going on about how all "the cousins" (meaning my kids and her boyfriend's grandkids) get along so well. But of course we're not a happy family, they don't get along, and I'm not willing to invest any time or effort in this charade. But this is the kind of thing I'm talking about when I say "dragging my kids around"-- it's not just going to their houses, it's the whole holiday dealie. And no matter what time of year it is, they're going to be trying to cram their stuff into half the time, and trying to make me spend time with various people that I don't care about and would literally never see again if they broke up.

Much of this has to do with your parents' and relatives' personalities though, rather than the fact they are divorced.

Also, if my parents were married they would probably go to the same church as each other. And they wouldn't have new spouses with extended families to pressure us to spend time with, and we wouldn't have to plan our schedules around so many people. Even though my parents do like to bring their grandkids to church and show them off, and I think it's good and important that my kids spend time their *actual* cousins (rather than their pretend step-cousins), and that would be a manageable amount of stuff to do. It gets out of hand when my parents are trying to have separate mirror-image families in their 50% of our visit. So it really is because of the divorce. Without the divorce, it would be manageable.

I am picking up on a lot of resentment in your posts, you view your mother's relationship as a "charade" and your step siblings as "pretend" siblings rather than accepting your mother can live her life as she chooses, with whomever she loves, and you are able to place boundaries around areas that cross a line for you. You are both adults. Your mother is a human in her own right, fallible as they are.

You complain that visiting two homes is too hard, they pack it full with things they want to do, they want to live this false family life as if your family of origin didn't exist - but you also are pinning for some fictitious world where your parent's are happily married, live in the same house, attend the same church ...

I mean this as kindly as possible, but you might find relief in exploring this with a therapist. And boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See, it's not just visiting one *home*. It's visiting one family (mom and her boyfriend), with everything they want to do and everywhere they want to go. And then visiting another (dad and his wife) with their activities and everything. Both sides are trying to cram their stuff into half the time. And there's way more people to plan around and compromise with-- stepsiblings and the boomers' own parents and everything.

Eventually I had to put my foot down and refuse to leave either house to visit new-partner extended family. They come to us or we don't see them. But because my mom is trying to play Matriarch of a Big Happy Family, she's constantly going on about how all "the cousins" (meaning my kids and her boyfriend's grandkids) get along so well. But of course we're not a happy family, they don't get along, and I'm not willing to invest any time or effort in this charade. But this is the kind of thing I'm talking about when I say "dragging my kids around"-- it's not just going to their houses, it's the whole holiday dealie. And no matter what time of year it is, they're going to be trying to cram their stuff into half the time, and trying to make me spend time with various people that I don't care about and would literally never see again if they broke up.

Much of this has to do with your parents' and relatives' personalities though, rather than the fact they are divorced.

Also, if my parents were married they would probably go to the same church as each other. And they wouldn't have new spouses with extended families to pressure us to spend time with, and we wouldn't have to plan our schedules around so many people. Even though my parents do like to bring their grandkids to church and show them off, and I think it's good and important that my kids spend time their *actual* cousins (rather than their pretend step-cousins), and that would be a manageable amount of stuff to do. It gets out of hand when my parents are trying to have separate mirror-image families in their 50% of our visit. So it really is because of the divorce. Without the divorce, it would be manageable.

I am picking up on a lot of resentment in your posts, you view your mother's relationship as a "charade" and your step siblings as "pretend" siblings rather than accepting your mother can live her life as she chooses, with whomever she loves, and you are able to place boundaries around areas that cross a line for you. You are both adults. Your mother is a human in her own right, fallible as they are.

You complain that visiting two homes is too hard, they pack it full with things they want to do, they want to live this false family life as if your family of origin didn't exist - but you also are pinning for some fictitious world where your parent's are happily married, live in the same house, attend the same church ...

I mean this as kindly as possible, but you might find relief in exploring this with a therapist. And boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

I'm sure you do mean it in a nice way, but we ACOD are so often told that we need therapy, as if it's our fault for not liking these logistical burdens placed on us or not thinking the daughter of my mom's boyfriend, whom I've literally never met even one time, as a sibling. As if therapy would somehow change us into people who complied with the demands of others. But that's not what therapy does.

I don't think my mother's relationship itself is a charade, but the idea that my children and her boyfriend's grandchildren are cousins is simply untrue. They are not related by blood, adoption, or marriage, or even an especially long dating relationship. They've met each other twice in their lives. Yet she goes on and on each year about how she's sooooooo sad we aren't "getting the cousins together" because I refuse to schedule my life around it.

I don't pine for my parents to be married-- they were incompatible and unhappy. But I do wish I had a less stressful family, and I do think it's inconsiderate of my parents to not see my point of view. I wish I weren't always having to fend off proposals and surprises and coincidences that lead to me spending time with people I wouldn't agree to see if I were asked. I wish I and my kids could just rest a little while, not be running from event to event and place to place so that my parents can have the life they would have had in an intact family. I've laid down some boundaries to deal with this stuff, but here's the thing-- you can say "boundaries" all day but in some families it just leads to passive-aggressive pouting, trickery, and other drama. It isn't necessarily less work or stress that way.

[Anonymous]

Sigh. It's so sad and tiresome. Even on a thread that literally asks for the adult child view of divorce, it's only a matter of time until people start telling ACOD they need therapy. Just because we're willing to say the truth-- that being an ACOD is a pain.

OP, if you're still reading, here's the adult child view: It's a pain. Try to make it less of a pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sigh. It's so sad and tiresome. Even on a thread that literally asks for the adult child view of divorce, it's only a matter of time until people start telling ACOD they need therapy. Just because we're willing to say the truth-- that being an ACOD is a pain.

OP, if you're still reading, here's the adult child view: It's a pain. Try to make it less of a pain.

💯 It will only not be a pain if you never get into another relationship, don’t place too many expectations on your children about visiting, don’t say bad things about your ex, and have enough money that you don’t need their assistance when you’re old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sigh. It's so sad and tiresome. Even on a thread that literally asks for the adult child view of divorce, it's only a matter of time until people start telling ACOD they need therapy. Just because we're willing to say the truth-- that being an ACOD is a pain.

OP, if you're still reading, here's the adult child view: It's a pain. Try to make it less of a pain.

💯 It will only not be a pain if you never get into another relationship, don’t place too many expectations on your children about visiting, don’t say bad things about your ex, and have enough money that you don’t need their assistance when you’re old.

Well, I think an aging parent who is single can be more needy. I think my ideal would be for my parents to date someone who is healthy, responsible, caring, minds their own business, isn't annoying, is fully vaccinated, and doesn't have annoying or problematic relatives that I'm expected to see. And to have low expectations for my interest in that person's extended family. And the relationship should only lead to marriage if it's financially wise to do so-- don't screw yourself out of Medicaid eligibility for long-term care.

[Anonymous]

It sucks to have to split holidays and now you are responsible for the "sickness and in health" thing for two more people who were supposed to take care of each other.

Plus dad will remarry and leave all his stuff to his 2nd wife.

Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See, it's not just visiting one *home*. It's visiting one family (mom and her boyfriend), with everything they want to do and everywhere they want to go. And then visiting another (dad and his wife) with their activities and everything. Both sides are trying to cram their stuff into half the time. And there's way more people to plan around and compromise with-- stepsiblings and the boomers' own parents and everything.

Eventually I had to put my foot down and refuse to leave either house to visit new-partner extended family. They come to us or we don't see them. But because my mom is trying to play Matriarch of a Big Happy Family, she's constantly going on about how all "the cousins" (meaning my kids and her boyfriend's grandkids) get along so well. But of course we're not a happy family, they don't get along, and I'm not willing to invest any time or effort in this charade. But this is the kind of thing I'm talking about when I say "dragging my kids around"-- it's not just going to their houses, it's the whole holiday dealie. And no matter what time of year it is, they're going to be trying to cram their stuff into half the time, and trying to make me spend time with various people that I don't care about and would literally never see again if they broke up.

Much of this has to do with your parents' and relatives' personalities though, rather than the fact they are divorced.

Also, if my parents were married they would probably go to the same church as each other. And they wouldn't have new spouses with extended families to pressure us to spend time with, and we wouldn't have to plan our schedules around so many people. Even though my parents do like to bring their grandkids to church and show them off, and I think it's good and important that my kids spend time their *actual* cousins (rather than their pretend step-cousins), and that would be a manageable amount of stuff to do. It gets out of hand when my parents are trying to have separate mirror-image families in their 50% of our visit. So it really is because of the divorce. Without the divorce, it would be manageable.

I am picking up on a lot of resentment in your posts, you view your mother's relationship as a "charade" and your step siblings as "pretend" siblings rather than accepting your mother can live her life as she chooses, with whomever she loves, and you are able to place boundaries around areas that cross a line for you. You are both adults. Your mother is a human in her own right, fallible as they are.

You complain that visiting two homes is too hard, they pack it full with things they want to do, they want to live this false family life as if your family of origin didn't exist - but you also are pinning for some fictitious world where your parent's are happily married, live in the same house, attend the same church ...

I mean this as kindly as possible, but you might find relief in exploring this with a therapist. And boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

If the parents ended a many year marriage, why would we think the next marriages are going to be any better? Seriously, when my mom is all about her new life, why should I invest? She’s already shown she’s capable of ending things without thought to anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See, it's not just visiting one *home*. It's visiting one family (mom and her boyfriend), with everything they want to do and everywhere they want to go. And then visiting another (dad and his wife) with their activities and everything. Both sides are trying to cram their stuff into half the time. And there's way more people to plan around and compromise with-- stepsiblings and the boomers' own parents and everything.

Eventually I had to put my foot down and refuse to leave either house to visit new-partner extended family. They come to us or we don't see them. But because my mom is trying to play Matriarch of a Big Happy Family, she's constantly going on about how all "the cousins" (meaning my kids and her boyfriend's grandkids) get along so well. But of course we're not a happy family, they don't get along, and I'm not willing to invest any time or effort in this charade. But this is the kind of thing I'm talking about when I say "dragging my kids around"-- it's not just going to their houses, it's the whole holiday dealie. And no matter what time of year it is, they're going to be trying to cram their stuff into half the time, and trying to make me spend time with various people that I don't care about and would literally never see again if they broke up.

Much of this has to do with your parents' and relatives' personalities though, rather than the fact they are divorced.

Also, if my parents were married they would probably go to the same church as each other. And they wouldn't have new spouses with extended families to pressure us to spend time with, and we wouldn't have to plan our schedules around so many people. Even though my parents do like to bring their grandkids to church and show them off, and I think it's good and important that my kids spend time their *actual* cousins (rather than their pretend step-cousins), and that would be a manageable amount of stuff to do. It gets out of hand when my parents are trying to have separate mirror-image families in their 50% of our visit. So it really is because of the divorce. Without the divorce, it would be manageable.

I am picking up on a lot of resentment in your posts, you view your mother's relationship as a "charade" and your step siblings as "pretend" siblings rather than accepting your mother can live her life as she chooses, with whomever she loves, and you are able to place boundaries around areas that cross a line for you. You are both adults. Your mother is a human in her own right, fallible as they are.

You complain that visiting two homes is too hard, they pack it full with things they want to do, they want to live this false family life as if your family of origin didn't exist - but you also are pinning for some fictitious world where your parent's are happily married, live in the same house, attend the same church ...

I mean this as kindly as possible, but you might find relief in exploring this with a therapist. And boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

I'm sure you do mean it in a nice way, but we ACOD are so often told that we need therapy, as if it's our fault for not liking these logistical burdens placed on us or not thinking the daughter of my mom's boyfriend, whom I've literally never met even one time, as a sibling. As if therapy would somehow change us into people who complied with the demands of others. But that's not what therapy does.

I don't think my mother's relationship itself is a charade, but the idea that my children and her boyfriend's grandchildren are cousins is simply untrue. They are not related by blood, adoption, or marriage, or even an especially long dating relationship. They've met each other twice in their lives. Yet she goes on and on each year about how she's sooooooo sad we aren't "getting the cousins together" because I refuse to schedule my life around it.

I don't pine for my parents to be married-- they were incompatible and unhappy. But I do wish I had a less stressful family, and I do think it's inconsiderate of my parents to not see my point of view. I wish I weren't always having to fend off proposals and surprises and coincidences that lead to me spending time with people I wouldn't agree to see if I were asked. I wish I and my kids could just rest a little while, not be running from event to event and place to place so that my parents can have the life they would have had in an intact family. I've laid down some boundaries to deal with this stuff, but here's the thing-- you can say "boundaries" all day but in some families it just leads to passive-aggressive pouting, trickery, and other drama. It isn't necessarily less work or stress that way.

let me be clear, I do not suggest therapy because I think it's your fault. I suggest therapy because life is hard, and some times we need help to process that, and it seems like you are struggling with that and really ruminating on the negatives.

I myself had my family of origin torn apart after the sudden death of a parent as a child, and subsequent physical abuse for years from a grieving family member. Personally, I would welcome a childhood of divorce and the burden of too many family members too visit over what I faced. It also wasn't my fault, and I also did not like the burdens placed on me ... so I went to therapy for years until I could give that child version of myself what I was not given as a child. We owe ourselves more in life than to stay in a discontent place.

I don't fault you for not feeling the kinship for the "cousins" - but this is where boundaries are important. If it's too much to ask of you, say no. If you do not like the treatment you are getting, you stop participating.

You state you think it's inconsiderate for your parents not to see your point of view - but maybe they do, but it's just that they are now prioritizing themselves as I assume you are a grown adult. Maybe they are just jerks and/or narcissist (as refences to the emotional manipulation you allude to), and my answer would still be boundaries and therapy for you.

You seem to be most exhausted by the proposals to visit with lots of extended members of your mother's network. You say you have laid down boundaries, which leads to pouting and manipulative tactics ... and it isn't any less work or stress. The point is ... boundaries work over time, your mother will learn your boundaries so long as you are consistent, just as you do with children. It becomes easier the longer you establish your boundaries. To cave in is to take the easy road, it's immediate gratification (appease your mother) and undermining your values and boundaries.

Or, you can just continue to complain, and complain, and complain - your choice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sucks to have to split holidays and now you are responsible for the "sickness and in health" thing for two more people who were supposed to take care of each other.

Plus dad will remarry and leave all his stuff to his 2nd wife.

Oh well.

Yup. It sucks. The 2nd wife will spend all her time pretending she's the 1st and only wife, and spending money, and dad will blow off your kids in favor of her and her family. Then when dad is old and sick and no fun, she'll be outta there and the ACOD will be holding the bag.