3rd date tomorrow and now have a cold sore- what to do

[Anonymous]

this whole thread is so odd. I agree its NBD, but just tell the guy you're not feeling well and reschedule!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this whole thread is so odd. I agree its NBD, but just tell the guy you're not feeling well and reschedule!

I think OP got what they needed in the first few posts -- tell him you're sick, here's how to get rid of it fairly quickly.

The rest of the thread is... something. I had no idea there were so many middle aged married people who definitely for sure no-chance-in-hell have HSV-1 but are extremely worked up about the rules of disclosure for people who are still dating. Why do they even care? So weird.

[Anonymous]

Abort!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have herpes. You need to disclose that to him. I hope you have not kissed him without telling him you have herpes.

They likely have HSV-1. Somewhere between half and 80% of American adults have it. It's incredibly common and does not require some kind of special disclosure. But you shouldn't kiss someone when you have an active flare up because of course you don't want to spread it.

If you don't want to date anyone who might have HSV-1, then best of luck to you because you will eliminate a lot of potential dates this way.

You still must disclose. I got hsv1 on my genitals from an ex. Then I had to be extremely cautious when I gave birth. Not fun. People are too casual with cold sores.

My SIL had herpes which caused her baby to develop anencephalic (without a brain). She did not know of the anencephaly until the 8th month, had to search country-wide to get an abortion (very expensive at that stage) and finally was able to get her hospital to agree to do it (needed special permission at that time in that state). By the time she got to the hospital, the baby no longer had a heartbeat and was stillborn. Very traumatizing. Herpes is a virus that can seriously interfere with pregnancy.

To all of you who say everyone has it - a basic principle of consensual sex is that it is informed. If you have a transmissible disease - disclose, even if you think it is no big deal. Consent means that it is actually for your partner to decide whether and to what degree it is a factor in sexual consent.

Sounds like she had a shitty doctor nor this is bullshit

I'm also curious about this. They do a full anatomy scan at 20 weeks. How did she not know until 8 months?

Anencephaly or microcephaly is not always caused by genetic defect. Anencephaly caused by neural tube defect might be caught by the 20 week scan, but an- or microcephaly caused by infection (herpes, but also zika, CMV, rubella, and a few others) may not develop until later in pregnancy because the infection may not cross to the fetus until later in the pregnancy. For herpes-caused microcephaly, ultrasounds are recommended late in the 6 month or early in the 7th month.

The upper part of the brain, the cerebellum does not develop until the third trimester. The baby had a lower brainstem which governs automatic functions but did not develop much of the cerebellum/higher thinking functions of the brain due to the herpes infection disrupting development. Predictions were that the baby might live days, weeks, months, maybe a year or two if on a feeding tube, but that would never have any higher consciousness.

This was 30 years ago in a very pro-life family. I can easily imagine that we, relatives, were not told until after the suspected diagnosis was confirmed with scans and the parents made the decision about what they wanted to do, a process which would take several weeks. By the time they told me (the pro-choice SIL), they had decided on abortion but were trying to figure out clinics would do the procedure at such a late stage. It took more time to arrange the appointment at a state hospital which required some kind of permission procedure, again all taking time. If she was ID’d as suspicion for microcephaly early in her 7th month, it is easy to see how she could have not ended up in the hospital for the procedure until 8th month.

FWIW, I always wondered if they ultimately chose to tell the family the baby died in utero because that was easier than having to tell everyone about an abortion.

You can see more about herpes in pregnancy here - https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/birthdefects/microcephaly.html

For the self righteous PP who said shitty doctor or a liar, there are many things that can still go seriously wrong after the 20 week ultrasound. People like to believe that there could be no reason for late term abortion because the 20 week scan would show all problems, but that is simply not true.

The couple subsequently went on to have several healthy children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have herpes. You need to disclose that to him. I hope you have not kissed him without telling him you have herpes.

They likely have HSV-1. Somewhere between half and 80% of American adults have it. It's incredibly common and does not require some kind of special disclosure. But you shouldn't kiss someone when you have an active flare up because of course you don't want to spread it.

If you don't want to date anyone who might have HSV-1, then best of luck to you because you will eliminate a lot of potential dates this way.

You still must disclose. I got hsv1 on my genitals from an ex. Then I had to be extremely cautious when I gave birth. Not fun. People are too casual with cold sores.

My SIL had herpes which caused her baby to develop anencephalic (without a brain). She did not know of the anencephaly until the 8th month, had to search country-wide to get an abortion (very expensive at that stage) and finally was able to get her hospital to agree to do it (needed special permission at that time in that state). By the time she got to the hospital, the baby no longer had a heartbeat and was stillborn. Very traumatizing. Herpes is a virus that can seriously interfere with pregnancy.

To all of you who say everyone has it - a basic principle of consensual sex is that it is informed. If you have a transmissible disease - disclose, even if you think it is no big deal. Consent means that it is actually for your partner to decide whether and to what degree it is a factor in sexual consent.

Sounds like she had a shitty doctor nor this is bullshit

I'm also curious about this. They do a full anatomy scan at 20 weeks. How did she not know until 8 months?

Anencephaly or microcephaly is not always caused by genetic defect. Anencephaly caused by neural tube defect might be caught by the 20 week scan, but an- or microcephaly caused by infection (herpes, but also zika, CMV, rubella, and a few others) may not develop until later in pregnancy because the infection may not cross to the fetus until later in the pregnancy. For herpes-caused microcephaly, ultrasounds are recommended late in the 6 month or early in the 7th month.

The upper part of the brain, the cerebellum does not develop until the third trimester. The baby had a lower brainstem which governs automatic functions but did not develop much of the cerebellum/higher thinking functions of the brain due to the herpes infection disrupting development. Predictions were that the baby might live days, weeks, months, maybe a year or two if on a feeding tube, but that would never have any higher consciousness.

This was 30 years ago in a very pro-life family. I can easily imagine that we, relatives, were not told until after the suspected diagnosis was confirmed with scans and the parents made the decision about what they wanted to do, a process which would take several weeks. By the time they told me (the pro-choice SIL), they had decided on abortion but were trying to figure out clinics would do the procedure at such a late stage. It took more time to arrange the appointment at a state hospital which required some kind of permission procedure, again all taking time. If she was ID’d as suspicion for microcephaly early in her 7th month, it is easy to see how she could have not ended up in the hospital for the procedure until 8th month.

FWIW, I always wondered if they ultimately chose to tell the family the baby died in utero because that was easier than having to tell everyone about an abortion.

You can see more about herpes in pregnancy here - https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/birthdefects/microcephaly.html

For the self righteous PP who said shitty doctor or a liar, there are many things that can still go seriously wrong after the 20 week ultrasound. People like to believe that there could be no reason for late term abortion because the 20 week scan would show all problems, but that is simply not true.

The couple subsequently went on to have several healthy children.

I am very sorry for your SIL's challenges but this was 30 YEARS AGO. Why are you posting about this in this thread? OP wanted to know if she should reschedule her date and we all agree she should. She will decide when to disclose the HSV-1 to this or other dates, people have weighed in on when they think it should be done and it's given everyone lots to think about. But this is one of the weirdest thread-jacks I've seen in a long time. Holy crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:this whole thread is so odd. I agree its NBD, but just tell the guy you're not feeling well and reschedule!

I think OP got what they needed in the first few posts -- tell him you're sick, here's how to get rid of it fairly quickly.

The rest of the thread is... something. I had no idea there were so many middle aged married people who definitely for sure no-chance-in-hell have HSV-1 but are extremely worked up about the rules of disclosure for people who are still dating. Why do they even care? So weird.

I’m not married. I dated a guy who didn’t disclose to me he had herpes one until too late in the game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have herpes. You need to disclose that to him. I hope you have not kissed him without telling him you have herpes.

They likely have HSV-1. Somewhere between half and 80% of American adults have it. It's incredibly common and does not require some kind of special disclosure. But you shouldn't kiss someone when you have an active flare up because of course you don't want to spread it.

If you don't want to date anyone who might have HSV-1, then best of luck to you because you will eliminate a lot of potential dates this way.

You still must disclose. I got hsv1 on my genitals from an ex. Then I had to be extremely cautious when I gave birth. Not fun. People are too casual with cold sores.

My SIL had herpes which caused her baby to develop anencephalic (without a brain). She did not know of the anencephaly until the 8th month, had to search country-wide to get an abortion (very expensive at that stage) and finally was able to get her hospital to agree to do it (needed special permission at that time in that state). By the time she got to the hospital, the baby no longer had a heartbeat and was stillborn. Very traumatizing. Herpes is a virus that can seriously interfere with pregnancy.

To all of you who say everyone has it - a basic principle of consensual sex is that it is informed. If you have a transmissible disease - disclose, even if you think it is no big deal. Consent means that it is actually for your partner to decide whether and to what degree it is a factor in sexual consent.

Sounds like she had a shitty doctor nor this is bullshit

I'm also curious about this. They do a full anatomy scan at 20 weeks. How did she not know until 8 months?

Anencephaly or microcephaly is not always caused by genetic defect. Anencephaly caused by neural tube defect might be caught by the 20 week scan, but an- or microcephaly caused by infection (herpes, but also zika, CMV, rubella, and a few others) may not develop until later in pregnancy because the infection may not cross to the fetus until later in the pregnancy. For herpes-caused microcephaly, ultrasounds are recommended late in the 6 month or early in the 7th month.

The upper part of the brain, the cerebellum does not develop until the third trimester. The baby had a lower brainstem which governs automatic functions but did not develop much of the cerebellum/higher thinking functions of the brain due to the herpes infection disrupting development. Predictions were that the baby might live days, weeks, months, maybe a year or two if on a feeding tube, but that would never have any higher consciousness.

This was 30 years ago in a very pro-life family. I can easily imagine that we, relatives, were not told until after the suspected diagnosis was confirmed with scans and the parents made the decision about what they wanted to do, a process which would take several weeks. By the time they told me (the pro-choice SIL), they had decided on abortion but were trying to figure out clinics would do the procedure at such a late stage. It took more time to arrange the appointment at a state hospital which required some kind of permission procedure, again all taking time. If she was ID’d as suspicion for microcephaly early in her 7th month, it is easy to see how she could have not ended up in the hospital for the procedure until 8th month.

FWIW, I always wondered if they ultimately chose to tell the family the baby died in utero because that was easier than having to tell everyone about an abortion.

You can see more about herpes in pregnancy here - https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/birthdefects/microcephaly.html

For the self righteous PP who said shitty doctor or a liar, there are many things that can still go seriously wrong after the 20 week ultrasound. People like to believe that there could be no reason for late term abortion because the 20 week scan would show all problems, but that is simply not true.

The couple subsequently went on to have several healthy children.

I am very sorry for your SIL's challenges but this was 30 YEARS AGO. Why are you posting about this in this thread? OP wanted to know if she should reschedule her date and we all agree she should. She will decide when to disclose the HSV-1 to this or other dates, people have weighed in on when they think it should be done and it's given everyone lots to think about. But this is one of the weirdest thread-jacks I've seen in a long time. Holy crap.

I initially responded in support of another PP who said, “You still must disclose. I got hsv1 on my genitals from an ex. Then I had to be extremely cautious when I gave birth. Not fun. People are too casual with cold sores.”

My intent was to give a concrete example to support her statement that people are too casual with cold sores.

I expanded on that example when another PP dismissed my story saying my SIL had a bad doctor or was a liar because that PP believed the lack of brain development should have been caught at the typical 20 week ultrasound. That is a misconception - An- or Micro- encephaly caused by herpes is typically not discovered until the third trimester although anencephaly caused by genetic defect or failure of neural tube development is often caught much earlier in pregnancy.

Even though this happened 30 years ago, nothing about herpes has changed since then - it hasn’t become less virulent, we don’t have any cures, and what I described could happen today to a pregnant woman who has HSV 1 on the genitals.

BTW, HSV1 infection passed to a newborn can also be serious causing death, blindness or other serious outcomes.

People on this thread demonstrated ignorance about the prevalence, transmission, and potential consequences of HSV infection. Understanding the facts about HSV is part of the disclosure discussion.

[Anonymous]

Send a picture and ask what they think is best. You’re gonna hide a cold sore —then give them herpes? Wrong on so many levels.