3rd date tomorrow and now have a cold sore- what to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one should have to disclose that they have an incredibly common (like super, incredibly common), not-even-remotely-dangerous virus, by the 3rd date. And the reason people don't disclose is because cold sores are a mood killer. Like I would not be remotely bothered to date someone who gets cold sores, but I don't want to hear about it early in knowing them.

I have gotten cold sores since I was a child. HPV-1 is not sexually transmitted. And I only get one ever few years, usually if I'm sick with something else or under really intense stress. It's really not a big deal. If this is something that matters to you, I personally think it's up to you to take extra precautions. This isn't AIDS or even genital herpes. I think the people being super freaked out about it are uninformed with a touch of hypochondria.

I can’t believe people who have hsv1 can be so ignorant about it. Mind blowing, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one should have to disclose that they have an incredibly common (like super, incredibly common), not-even-remotely-dangerous virus, by the 3rd date. And the reason people don't disclose is because cold sores are a mood killer. Like I would not be remotely bothered to date someone who gets cold sores, [/b]but I don't want to hear about it early in knowing them.[b]

I have gotten cold sores since I was a child. HPV-1 is not sexually transmitted. And I only get one ever few years, usually if I'm sick with something else or under really intense stress. It's really not a big deal. If this is something that matters to you, I personally think it's up to you to take extra precautions. This isn't AIDS or even genital herpes. I think the people being super freaked out about it are uninformed with a touch of hypochondria.

No shit. You’re already infected!

[Anonymous]

You can spread HSV-1 by using a towel that someone with HSV-1 who is actively shedding the virus also recently used, if you both touch your faces (which lots of people do). Should people with HSV-1 have to wear some kind of sign or marker so you can avoid them altogether? Y'all are being unreasonable.

Honestly, if your goal is to get people to disclose HSV-1 more readily, the best way to do that is to diminish the stigma around it, which y'all are failing at right now. You can't have it both ways: "People with HSV-1 are to be avoided at all costs, but also you should disclose that you have it on a first date." Not going to work.

[Anonymous]

I think it makes sense to disclose HSV-1 to a sexual partner, at least before having oral sex. But if you are not having an outbreak, I don't see why you have to disclose to someone you're just dating. Lots of people kiss on the first date. You really think people with HSV-1 should tell you on the first date? Before or after the appetizer? What, do you think people should put it in their dating profile? Sorry, but this is nuts. If you are that worried about it, you can ask people (and they will make their assessments about you based on the fact that you are this worried about it). But this is a common virus carried by half the population, that can be easily transmitted a variety of ways even if you are not sexual partners. No one should have to wear a scarlet letter for it.

I bet there are matchmaking services that will test for it, you could try that. Or you could accept that finding a good mate might mean getting an occasional cold sore and just deal.

[Anonymous]

You need to cancel that shit.

[Anonymous]

Oh boy do I know this topic well. Because I recently got hsv1 cold sores from a woman who didn't tell me.

It's true that somewhere between half to 80% of people have HSV1 by age 40s-50s and many don't know and if you are dating in middle age you probably are kissing people who have it.

It's also true that it really really sucked when I got it, sick as I have ever been for two weeks. And then I passed it on to another woman I was dating genitally because I didn't realize what I had was recent HSV because I thought it was strep.

HSV 1 gential isnt as bad as HSV2 since it rarely comes back but it's still there and you can spread it.

I tell people before we kiss. It's the right thing to do. It's also true that if you want to screen out people like me, that's ok, but you are also screening out at least half of the dating pool, probably higher, and you are probably going to get it at some point from the majority of people who have it and don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say I was sick and reschedule. I would not even consider this a lie because when I get a cold sore it usually means my immune system is shot and I need to rest. Just tell him you are excited to see him but feeling really run down and wouldn't be fun to hang out with right now.

I can usually get rid of a cold sore in 4 days but if I try to rush it, it gets so much worse. And with a 3rd date... I wouldn't want to foreclose the possibility of intimacy but I would not want to be intimate with someone while I had a cold sore. And while I don't think a cold sore is anything to be ashamed of (like 80% of adults get them), I would also not want to mention it this early in knowing someone because it's definitely a vibe killer!

80% of Americans do not get cold sores. It’s more like 30%, and that’s not until you’re at age 50. People who get cold sores need to disclose that to people before they kiss them. You can pass herpes even when you have no sores. It is good that the original poster seems to take meds, because if you take them every day, it lowers your viral load and makes you less likely to be able to pass them on. But you really need to disclose this. You could spread this to your partner if you kiss them or if you perform oral sex. They get to decide whether or not they want to expose themselves to this, not you.

No, the point is that 50-80% of American adults have HSV-1. They may get cold sores or not, people display the virus in different ways and you can have HSV-1 and never get a cold sore. Since as you point out, you can transmit it to someone even if you have sores, this is why it's absurd to expect everyone to disclose this up front. Unless you are advocating for people to go get tested for HSV-1 before they ever start dating and then disclose even if they've never had a cold sore. Which you aren't.

If you are super worried about this, you can ask partners to screen for it and be very selective about who you date. But especially if you are over the age of 30 and dating people in your same age bracket, it's basically impossible to screen for it.

Also, you obviously don't understand the difference between HSV-1 and HSV-2. HSV-1 only causes cold sores on the mouth and is the very common one. You cannot get genital herpes from someone with HSV-1. If you don't understand this you need to educate yourself.

Nope. Lots if misinformation here. Only 30% of American fifty year olds have herpes 1. A lot of Americans do not have the virus. And yes, you can spread herpes one from your mouth to someone else’s genitals. People should disclose if they have cold sores. She shouldn’t hide it from this guy, which is what it seems she’s trying to do if she cancels the date.

Johns Hopkins disagrees with you. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/herpes-hsv1-and-hsv2

That is all adults.

Here is 14-49:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have herpes. You need to disclose that to him. I hope you have not kissed him without telling him you have herpes.

+1

I would be pissed if someone knowingly gave it to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have herpes. You need to disclose that to him. I hope you have not kissed him without telling him you have herpes.

They likely have HSV-1. Somewhere between half and 80% of American adults have it. It's incredibly common and does not require some kind of special disclosure. But you shouldn't kiss someone when you have an active flare up because of course you don't want to spread it.

If you don't want to date anyone who might have HSV-1, then best of luck to you because you will eliminate a lot of potential dates this way.

You still must disclose. I got hsv1 on my genitals from an ex. Then I had to be extremely cautious when I gave birth. Not fun. People are too casual with cold sores.

My SIL had herpes which caused her baby to develop anencephalic (without a brain). She did not know of the anencephaly until the 8th month, had to search country-wide to get an abortion (very expensive at that stage) and finally was able to get her hospital to agree to do it (needed special permission at that time in that state). By the time she got to the hospital, the baby no longer had a heartbeat and was stillborn. Very traumatizing. Herpes is a virus that can seriously interfere with pregnancy.

To all of you who say everyone has it - a basic principle of consensual sex is that it is informed. If you have a transmissible disease - disclose, even if you think it is no big deal. Consent means that it is actually for your partner to decide whether and to what degree it is a factor in sexual consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is so weird about HSV-1 . I would bet my entire life savings that everyone in this thread has it. Not having cold sores does not mean you don't have it

I don’t. I got checked for hsv 1 & 2 because my doctor thought I did. I have neither. Not everybody has it.

If your doctor thought you might have genital herpes (HSV-2), I'm guessing you have stuff going on that means you should probably not be looking down your nose at people who get cold sores.

Umm, no. NP - but I was tested for both when I had a derm issue on my face. Good try though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty much everyone I know has had one. I’d be honest and say, “I’m excited to see you but I have a cold sore! Should we reschedule?” He will probably say something nice snd you can hang out without kissing. NBD.

Yea, as someone who doesn’t get cold sores, this relationship would be over.

I’ve gotten cold sores my entire life, even as a very young child. My DH and I have been married for 10 years, we have 2 children, and none of the three of them have ever had a cold sore. I’m very careful not to kiss, share towels, utensils, drinks, etc when I have one.
Sad that you would end a relationship over a cold sore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty much everyone I know has had one. I’d be honest and say, “I’m excited to see you but I have a cold sore! Should we reschedule?” He will probably say something nice snd you can hang out without kissing. NBD.

Yea, as someone who doesn’t get cold sores, this relationship would be over.

I’ve gotten cold sores my entire life, even as a very young child. My DH and I have been married for 10 years, we have 2 children, and none of the three of them have ever had a cold sore. I’m very careful not to kiss, share towels, utensils, drinks, etc when I have one.
Sad that you would end a relationship over a cold sore.

Yeah it's a super weird position. I've been getting cold sores for 30 years - and my husband has never gotten a single one. Very controllable with meds, too. Not quite sure why someone would go nuclear over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say I was sick and reschedule. I would not even consider this a lie because when I get a cold sore it usually means my immune system is shot and I need to rest. Just tell him you are excited to see him but feeling really run down and wouldn't be fun to hang out with right now.

I can usually get rid of a cold sore in 4 days but if I try to rush it, it gets so much worse. And with a 3rd date... I wouldn't want to foreclose the possibility of intimacy but I would not want to be intimate with someone while I had a cold sore. And while I don't think a cold sore is anything to be ashamed of (like 80% of adults get them), I would also not want to mention it this early in knowing someone because it's definitely a vibe killer!

80% of Americans do not get cold sores. It’s more like 30%, and that’s not until you’re at age 50. People who get cold sores need to disclose that to people before they kiss them. You can pass herpes even when you have no sores. It is good that the original poster seems to take meds, because if you take them every day, it lowers your viral load and makes you less likely to be able to pass them on. But you really need to disclose this. You could spread this to your partner if you kiss them or if you perform oral sex. They get to decide whether or not they want to expose themselves to this, not you.

No, the point is that 50-80% of American adults have HSV-1. They may get cold sores or not, people display the virus in different ways and you can have HSV-1 and never get a cold sore. Since as you point out, you can transmit it to someone even if you have sores, this is why it's absurd to expect everyone to disclose this up front. Unless you are advocating for people to go get tested for HSV-1 before they ever start dating and then disclose even if they've never had a cold sore. Which you aren't.

If you are super worried about this, you can ask partners to screen for it and be very selective about who you date. But especially if you are over the age of 30 and dating people in your same age bracket, it's basically impossible to screen for it.

Also, you obviously don't understand the difference between HSV-1 and HSV-2. HSV-1 only causes cold sores on the mouth and is the very common one. You cannot get genital herpes from someone with HSV-1. If you don't understand this you need to educate yourself.

Nope. Lots if misinformation here. Only 30% of American fifty year olds have herpes 1. A lot of Americans do not have the virus. And yes, you can spread herpes one from your mouth to someone else’s genitals. People should disclose if they have cold sores. She shouldn’t hide it from this guy, which is what it seems she’s trying to do if she cancels the date.

Johns Hopkins disagrees with you. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/herpes-hsv1-and-hsv2

WHO estimates that 67% of the World population under 50 has HSV-1 (https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/herpes-simplex-virus)

And HSV-1 is not an STD, but HSV-2 is. Most people how have HSV-1 most likely acquired it from a parent or other relative (maybe parents and grand-parents should stop kissing their kids).

HSV 1 on the lips can spread to the genitalia via oral sex.

This. I have a friend with it and she does have outbreaks. Relatively mild but still… who would want that? I’d be pissed off if my partner gave me that.

[Anonymous]

I’ve dated a lot of people and kissed some of them too. Nobody ever disclosed it to me. I wouldn’t expect them too either. I highly doubt this is discussed in real life while dating unless someone had a cold sore. Nobody has disclosed HPV to me either and statistically, someone definitely had it. Do men even get checked for that yet?

[Anonymous]

My 86 year old Mom gets cold sores and has for decades.
She was married to the same guy for 66 years (until he passed.) She goes to church every Sunday of her life.

I remember her getting them in her 30's. My guess is she picked HSV1 up somehow as a child.

Wholesome people get cold sores.