“I never loved her”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Odd that people think this is a red flag. Not everyone chooses to marry for love. I'd be more interested in why he married her if he didn't love her. Maybe she got pregnant first, and he was trying to "do the right thing." Who knows.

True. But the red flag is not owning it and blaming the lack of love for divorce. You cannot get married to someone you don't love from the beginning and then changing your mind and divorcing them after 3 kids because you realize love is important in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't see how this is a red flag. We all know about people who get married too young and don't know what they're getting into. We probably all have boyfriends/girlfriends from high school/college that we thought we were super in love with but it turns out we really weren't. All kinds of people stay in unhappy marriages for decades, especially if they're confused about why they're unhappy.

Someone said above this indicates OP's boyfriend is not "taking responsibility" for his part in the end of his marriage. I don't see that at all. It looks like he did some self reflection and realized his feelings weren't what he thought they were.

I agree with everything you said EXCEPT I still think it's a red flag. Or at least a caution flag.

Yes, of course I know people who got married too young, or stayed in an unhappy marriage for decades, or thought they were very in love and it turns out it was just lust or temporary or something. You are right we all know people like that. Good people, who I think highly of!

And yet, if someone was dating one of these people I know who did one or more of these things, I'd still probably urge caution. Because while they are great people, they also have a bit of a negative track record with relationships. While it is understandable that some people get married too young and it doesn't work out, it's also not inevitable. There are reasons people do that instead of waiting, there are reasons a person stays in a loveless marriage. It often has to do the way they may decisions (perhaps they are impulsive, or they defer to others a lot), or a tendency for conflict avoidance. It can be a sign that they are not very in touch with their feelings, or they struggle with communicating their feelings to a partner.

All of these are red flag issues. Of course people make mistakes and that doesn't mean you should write them off forever. But if someone like this was very flip about what happened in their first marriage, or tossed it off as "I never loved her", I'd want to talk about it a LOT more before getting more serious with them. Because there are reasons that first marriage didn't work, and probably this person played a role in not working out, and I'd want to know if they learned anything from it or if it changed the way they approached relationships. And if someone was resistant to having that conversation or just wanted to avoid getting into it, that actually would be a big red flag for me.

[Anonymous]

^typo above—how he handled it matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Odd that people think this is a red flag. Not everyone chooses to marry for love. I'd be more interested in why he married her if he didn't love her. Maybe she got pregnant first, and he was trying to "do the right thing." Who knows.

True. But the red flag is not owning it and blaming the lack of love for divorce. You cannot get married to someone you don't love from the beginning and then changing your mind and divorcing them after 3 kids because you realize love is important in a marriage.

This. It's a weird way to discuss a relationship that lasted many years and produced multiple children. Imagine how his kids would feel hearing him say "I never loved her." My immediate follow up would be: then why have a second and third child? Why didn't you stop at some point and say "You know what, this doesn't feel right?" There is culpability here and it sounds like this guy just wants to paper over years of choices (or refusal to make a choice) so he can "move on". I'd be wary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Odd that people think this is a red flag. Not everyone chooses to marry for love. I'd be more interested in why he married her if he didn't love her. Maybe she got pregnant first, and he was trying to "do the right thing." Who knows.

True. But the red flag is not owning it and blaming the lack of love for divorce. You cannot get married to someone you don't love from the beginning and then changing your mind and divorcing them after 3 kids because you realize love is important in a marriage.

I know totally decent good people with no major issues who have done exactly this. My friend’s parents did it and both adult daughters were so relieved. Both daughters are very happily married and both parents remarried people who were better for them at that point in their lives. These were really good people who started out well, one had an accident that changed her outlook and activity level, both stuck it out, raised the family together. Amicably split to be with others after youngest graduated from college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I honestly don't see how this is a red flag. We all know about people who get married too young and don't know what they're getting into. We probably all have boyfriends/girlfriends from high school/college that we thought we were super in love with but it turns out we really weren't. All kinds of people stay in unhappy marriages for decades, especially if they're confused about why they're unhappy.

Someone said above this indicates OP's boyfriend is not "taking responsibility" for his part in the end of his marriage. I don't see that at all. It looks like he did some self reflection and realized his feelings weren't what he thought they were.

I agree with everything you said EXCEPT I still think it's a red flag. Or at least a caution flag.

Yes, of course I know people who got married too young, or stayed in an unhappy marriage for decades, or thought they were very in love and it turns out it was just lust or temporary or something. You are right we all know people like that. Good people, who I think highly of!

And yet, if someone was dating one of these people I know who did one or more of these things, I'd still probably urge caution. Because while they are great people, they also have a bit of a negative track record with relationships. While it is understandable that some people get married too young and it doesn't work out, it's also not inevitable. There are reasons people do that instead of waiting, there are reasons a person stays in a loveless marriage. It often has to do the way they may decisions (perhaps they are impulsive, or they defer to others a lot), or a tendency for conflict avoidance. It can be a sign that they are not very in touch with their feelings, or they struggle with communicating their feelings to a partner.

All of these are red flag issues. Of course people make mistakes and that doesn't mean you should write them off forever. But if someone like this was very flip about what happened in their first marriage, or tossed it off as "I never loved her", I'd want to talk about it a LOT more before getting more serious with them. Because there are reasons that first marriage didn't work, and probably this person played a role in not working out, and I'd want to know if they learned anything from it or if it changed the way they approached relationships. And if someone was resistant to having that conversation or just wanted to avoid getting into it, that actually would be a big red flag for me.

OP and I totally agree with this. For that matter I have my own not neat story to account for. The simple version is self explanatory but the deep dive addresses my own mistakes and flaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Odd that people think this is a red flag. Not everyone chooses to marry for love. I'd be more interested in why he married her if he didn't love her. Maybe she got pregnant first, and he was trying to "do the right thing." Who knows.

True. But the red flag is not owning it and blaming the lack of love for divorce. You cannot get married to someone you don't love from the beginning and then changing your mind and divorcing them after 3 kids because you realize love is important in a marriage.

You certainly can do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Face it, many divorced people have “hidden” baggage and if they remarry, very high second divorce rates.

Words are cheap.

Many divorced people don't have second marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Odd that people think this is a red flag. Not everyone chooses to marry for love. I'd be more interested in why he married her if he didn't love her. Maybe she got pregnant first, and he was trying to "do the right thing." Who knows.

True. But the red flag is not owning it and blaming the lack of love for divorce. You cannot get married to someone you don't love from the beginning and then changing your mind and divorcing them after 3 kids because you realize love is important in a marriage.

You certainly can do that.

Of course, but why would you want to date someone like that? Unless they pay all your bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Odd that people think this is a red flag. Not everyone chooses to marry for love. I'd be more interested in why he married her if he didn't love her. Maybe she got pregnant first, and he was trying to "do the right thing." Who knows.

True. But the red flag is not owning it and blaming the lack of love for divorce. You cannot get married to someone you don't love from the beginning and then changing your mind and divorcing them after 3 kids because you realize love is important in a marriage.

You certainly can do that.

Of course, but why would you want to date someone like that? Unless they pay all your bills.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Odd that people think this is a red flag. Not everyone chooses to marry for love. I'd be more interested in why he married her if he didn't love her. Maybe she got pregnant first, and he was trying to "do the right thing." Who knows.

True. But the red flag is not owning it and blaming the lack of love for divorce. You cannot get married to someone you don't love from the beginning and then changing your mind and divorcing them after 3 kids because you realize love is important in a marriage.

You certainly can do that.

You can if you are looking for a douchebag. You found one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Odd that people think this is a red flag. Not everyone chooses to marry for love. I'd be more interested in why he married her if he didn't love her. Maybe she got pregnant first, and he was trying to "do the right thing." Who knows.

True. But the red flag is not owning it and blaming the lack of love for divorce. You cannot get married to someone you don't love from the beginning and then changing your mind and divorcing them after 3 kids because you realize love is important in a marriage.

You certainly can do that.

You can if you are looking for a douchebag. You found one.

Not everyone who divorces is a douchebag. The guy was being honest. I would take that any day over other divorce explanations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Odd that people think this is a red flag. Not everyone chooses to marry for love. I'd be more interested in why he married her if he didn't love her. Maybe she got pregnant first, and he was trying to "do the right thing." Who knows.

True. But the red flag is not owning it and blaming the lack of love for divorce. You cannot get married to someone you don't love from the beginning and then changing your mind and divorcing them after 3 kids because you realize love is important in a marriage.

You certainly can do that.

Of course, but why would you want to date someone like that? Unless they pay all your bills.

This.

Then don’t date them. Everyone has their dealbreakers. I do not think this is one. But everyone has their own.

[Anonymous]

Mine are smoking and substance abuse/alcoholism. I could probably forgive some infidelity if the day to day were okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Odd that people think this is a red flag. Not everyone chooses to marry for love. I'd be more interested in why he married her if he didn't love her. Maybe she got pregnant first, and he was trying to "do the right thing." Who knows.

True. But the red flag is not owning it and blaming the lack of love for divorce. You cannot get married to someone you don't love from the beginning and then changing your mind and divorcing them after 3 kids because you realize love is important in a marriage.

You certainly can do that.

You can if you are looking for a douchebag. You found one.

Not everyone who divorces is a douchebag. The guy was being honest. I would take that any day over other divorce explanations.

So I saw him again and asked him about this. Surprised me by saying he thinks he didn’t know what love was insofar as he was so self-seeking at the time and now understands if more altruistically. I invisibly facepalmed. Also confessed a long history of serial infidelity, that he regrets and is ashamed of, so there’s that.