“I never loved her”

[Anonymous]

Dating someone who divorced after a long marriage with children (stayed till kids were raised to adulthood). I asked if he still loved her and he said “I don’t think I ever loved her.” Is this revisionist history? Do people really not love someone they married while young and had three children with and stayed with for nearly 30 years? Or is this just how they remember it when it’s over? He says that he didn’t really know what love was until more recently (also stuns me).

[Anonymous]

^ Sounds like revisionist history. If it’s true, that’s an even bigger red flag - why would ge marry someone he was not in love with? Frankly, he sounds very immature.

[Anonymous]

This is such a red flag to me. This is just rewriting history and not taking responsibility for what happened. He seems very manipulative and don't think that he didn't sell that "oh, I never loved anyone before you" crap to others before you. This is narcissistic behavior and he will play hot and cold until he will exhaust you. Did he tell you that you're the only one who understand him, too?

[Anonymous]

This seems like a red flag to me.

[Anonymous]

Red flag. It’s really only a good idea to date divorced people who have subsequently done the work to understand their role in the failed marriage. Very, very few divorces (outside abusive situations) are genuinely one-sided and this guy sounds like he is in denial.

[Anonymous]

i think once you become unhappy in a relationship in can be hard to remember ever being in love with the person. i have felt this way before.

so i vote revisionist history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Red flag. It’s really only a good idea to date divorced people who have subsequently done the work to understand their role in the failed marriage. Very, very few divorces (outside abusive situations) are genuinely one-sided and this guy sounds like he is in denial.

Even abusive situations frequently involve pathology on both sides. Not equivalent pathology but still can be substantial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a red flag to me. This is just rewriting history and not taking responsibility for what happened. He seems very manipulative and don't think that he didn't sell that "oh, I never loved anyone before you" crap to others before you. This is narcissistic behavior and he will play hot and cold until he will exhaust you. Did he tell you that you're the only one who understand him, too?

Okay h, I don’t know where you’re getting this from what I wrote but not a single thing you wrote here has actually happened.

[Anonymous]

I think this could happen when the person wonders if what they feel that might be called love isn't really love, or at least isn't nearly the same as how the other person in the relationship felt which they called love. Or maybe compared to other people they know and how they experience love.

I think it's not uncommon at all for some people, maybe especially men, to question what their feelings really are. Love vs companionship, admiration, attraction, protectiveness, appreciation, or just plain strong like.

I think it's also possible if someone decides or discovers they didn't love their spouse of 30 years, the mother of their children, it's also likely they aren't going to be able to really love anyone else either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems like a red flag to me.

This, he is telling you what he thinks he wants to hear or married her as it was easy. Not someone you want to be with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this could happen when the person wonders if what they feel that might be called love isn't really love, or at least isn't nearly the same as how the other person in the relationship felt which they called love. Or maybe compared to other people they know and how they experience love.

I think it's not uncommon at all for some people, maybe especially men, to question what their feelings really are. Love vs companionship, admiration, attraction, protectiveness, appreciation, or just plain strong like.

I think it's also possible if someone decides or discovers they didn't love their spouse of 30 years, the mother of their children, it's also likely they aren't going to be able to really love anyone else either.

I'm a woman, and I feel this way about my husband. "Love" is a very western construct. The word doesn't even exist in some other languages. I have affection, respect and loyalty for my husband (and other times, frustration and scorn!). It's perfectly fine to question whether or not you "love" someone when the very word is so fraught, so loaded by American standards.

However this person really has to express some sort of positive feeling about their ex, otherwise it is a red flag. He stayed for years. I suppose he did feel some loyalty and sense of duty. Also apathy, probably, perhaps financial insecurity until he could feel secure enough to leave? Lots of different reasons and feelings. It's normal for such situations to be complex. Simplifying them would be silly.

[Anonymous]

My ex and I never loved each other. It happens. We married due to expectations and in his words: I “looked good on paper.” I had a lot of family pressure to marry.

[Anonymous]

The phrase is not automatically a red flag, depending on his deeper explanation. And you do need a deeper explanation if you and he are heading anywhere beyond just dates.

"I never loved her/him" can mean all the red flags people are listing above but it also can signal that the person has changed and his or her understanding of committed love has changed too. It might have grown in positive ways, as well. But you won't know unless you get to know him better as a person, and unless you and he can communicate frankly.

I know someone who would say he loved his first wife then, but at that time, he also was in many ways a different person emotionally. He loved her as he was capable of loving at that point in his life. He has grown and changed in the years since they first separated, and his second marriage is a much different, more mature relationship with a woman very different from his first wife. So it's possible for a person to grow and understand that a love at an earlier time in life was "love" as he defined it then, but not necessarily what he would define or want as a committed love now. Just something to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The phrase is not automatically a red flag, depending on his deeper explanation. And you do need a deeper explanation if you and he are heading anywhere beyond just dates.

"I never loved her/him" can mean all the red flags people are listing above but it also can signal that the person has changed and his or her understanding of committed love has changed too. It might have grown in positive ways, as well. But you won't know unless you get to know him better as a person, and unless you and he can communicate frankly.

I know someone who would say he loved his first wife then, but at that time, he also was in many ways a different person emotionally. He loved her as he was capable of loving at that point in his life. He has grown and changed in the years since they first separated, and his second marriage is a much different, more mature relationship with a woman very different from his first wife. So it's possible for a person to grow and understand that a love at an earlier time in life was "love" as he defined it then, but not necessarily what he would define or want as a committed love now. Just something to consider.

This makes sense. Although I’d prefer to hear him express it this way which he hasn’t, fully. I am most blown away that someone could create three children with someone they didn’t love. I suppose it’s possible to just be fulfilling others’ expectations to a large degree—he’s been very performance oriented. It’s only the last few years that he has prioritized authenticity, honest imperfection and vulnerability. Still. To express it this way with so little contextual reflection really gave me pause. I think he’s been working on removing his head from his ass but clearly has a ways to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I never loved each other. It happens. We married due to expectations and in his words: I “looked good on paper.” I had a lot of family pressure to marry.

This. I’ve heard my step dad say this about his first wife. She had a toddler when then met, he loved that kid, they were both very young (early 20s) he wanted to take care of her and the kid. He cared about her. But it wasn’t a good marriage and looking back he doesn’t know if he ever really loved her.