Reply to “I never loved her”

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Reply to "“I never loved her”"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote]I honestly don't see how this is a red flag. We all know about people who get married too young and don't know what they're getting into. We probably all have boyfriends/girlfriends from high school/college that we thought we were super in love with but it turns out we really weren't. All kinds of people stay in unhappy marriages for decades, especially if they're confused about why they're unhappy.

Someone said above this indicates OP's boyfriend is not "taking responsibility" for his part in the end of his marriage. I don't see that at all. It looks like he did some self reflection and realized his feelings weren't what he thought they were.[/quote]

I agree with everything you said EXCEPT I still think it's a red flag. Or at least a caution flag.

Yes, of course I know people who got married too young, or stayed in an unhappy marriage for decades, or thought they were very in love and it turns out it was just lust or temporary or something. You are right we all know people like that. Good people, who I think highly of!

And yet, if someone was dating one of these people I know who did one or more of these things, I'd still probably urge caution. Because while they are great people, they also have a bit of a negative track record with relationships. While it is understandable that some people get married too young and it doesn't work out, it's also not inevitable. There are reasons people do that instead of waiting, there are reasons a person stays in a loveless marriage. It often has to do the way they may decisions (perhaps they are impulsive, or they defer to others a lot), or a tendency for conflict avoidance. It can be a sign that they are not very in touch with their feelings, or they struggle with communicating their feelings to a partner.

All of these are red flag issues. Of course people make mistakes and that doesn't mean you should write them off forever. But if someone like this was very flip about what happened in their first marriage, or tossed it off as "I never loved her", I'd want to talk about it a LOT more before getting more serious with them. Because there are reasons that first marriage didn't work, and probably this person played a role in not working out, and I'd want to know if they learned anything from it or if it changed the way they approached relationships. And if someone was resistant to having that conversation or just wanted to avoid getting into it, that actually would be a big red flag for me.[/quote]

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