“I never loved her”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this could happen when the person wonders if what they feel that might be called love isn't really love, or at least isn't nearly the same as how the other person in the relationship felt which they called love. Or maybe compared to other people they know and how they experience love.

I think it's not uncommon at all for some people, maybe especially men, to question what their feelings really are. Love vs companionship, admiration, attraction, protectiveness, appreciation, or just plain strong like.

I think it's also possible if someone decides or discovers they didn't love their spouse of 30 years, the mother of their children, it's also likely they aren't going to be able to really love anyone else either.

I'm a woman, and I feel this way about my husband. "Love" is a very western construct. The word doesn't even exist in some other languages. I have affection, respect and loyalty for my husband (and other times, frustration and scorn!). It's perfectly fine to question whether or not you "love" someone when the very word is so fraught, so loaded by American standards.

However this person really has to express some sort of positive feeling about their ex, otherwise it is a red flag. He stayed for years. I suppose he did feel some loyalty and sense of duty. Also apathy, probably, perhaps financial insecurity until he could feel secure enough to leave? Lots of different reasons and feelings. It's normal for such situations to be complex. Simplifying them would be silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I never loved each other. It happens. We married due to expectations and in his words: I “looked good on paper.” I had a lot of family pressure to marry.

This. I’ve heard my step dad say this about his first wife. She had a toddler when then met, he loved that kid, they were both very young (early 20s) he wanted to take care of her and the kid. He cared about her. But it wasn’t a good marriage and looking back he doesn’t know if he ever really loved her.

Sounds like that woman had a shitty time in life. Nothing worse than thinking you’ve got it solved only to find yourself older and even more broken.

[Anonymous]

I believe that when he says he didn't know what love is, he could be honest.

I come from a very large in number loving Italian family. My grandmother used to say other families don't eat like we do. Family rolls out the red carpet for meals.

Some men might see those gestures as "loving" in a way they haven't been loved before. Others may not.

It's like how sometimes men confuse sex with love. Then they realize the wife or girlfriend wasn't really "loving" just sexual in a way she was sexual with every man she met.

Or it could be the other way around. Maybe his ex wife loved him by cooking, and he found a new partner who loves him by being very sexual.

So yes, love languages aside, it is possible he never knew love like this before.

That's from a song by Stephanie Mills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a red flag to me. This is just rewriting history and not taking responsibility for what happened. He seems very manipulative and don't think that he didn't sell that "oh, I never loved anyone before you" crap to others before you. This is narcissistic behavior and he will play hot and cold until he will exhaust you. Did he tell you that you're the only one who understand him, too?

Okay h, I don’t know where you’re getting this from what I wrote but not a single thing you wrote here has actually happened.

NP here. This is where my brain went to as well. Once you end up with a malignant narcissist, it is easy to see it everywhere. I get triggered by things. For example, was dating a guy until yesterday who was sweet until he made me defensive and started gaslighting me that his version of events was true. Done. Nope. I am out.

[Anonymous]

He didn’t say he never knew live like this before. We were talking about them not us and we haven’t gotten to I love ours although he said very early that he thinks it could be headed that way. It was just how he answered my question about whether he still loved her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He didn’t say he never knew live like this before. We were talking about them not us and we haven’t gotten to I love ours although he said very early that he thinks it could be headed that way. It was just how he answered my question about whether he still loved her.

This is classic behavior. He didn't even know you. He's playing you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He didn’t say he never knew live like this before. We were talking about them not us and we haven’t gotten to I love ours although he said very early that he thinks it could be headed that way. It was just how he answered my question about whether he still loved her.

This is classic behavior. He didn't even know you. He's playing you.

I can’t be played in this department. Fwiw though, I think a lot of men know early on if they could live someone and just keep it to themselves.

[Anonymous]

I feel this way about my first boyfriend. I was flattered and curious and attracted to him. Then when we started dating I didn’t know how to handle a relationship. I especially did not know how to leave, so it went on for a couple years when it should have ended within a few months.

That said, I was a teenager at the time. I learned a lot about staying true to myself and boundaries.

Anyone who feels this way about someone they married and had children with, is emotionally stunted. 30 years is a long time. At best it’s revisionist history. I would be wary of dating someone like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a red flag to me. This is just rewriting history and not taking responsibility for what happened. He seems very manipulative and don't think that he didn't sell that "oh, I never loved anyone before you" crap to others before you. This is narcissistic behavior and he will play hot and cold until he will exhaust you. Did he tell you that you're the only one who understand him, too?

This. I would respect someone who would have said, we loved each other, but after 20 years and 3 kids, the love was eroded, we grew into different people, we no longer are compatible, whatever… just not this tired “I never loved her/him” refrain. If he didn’t love her, why did he stay so long, and how does he know he loves you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a red flag to me. This is just rewriting history and not taking responsibility for what happened. He seems very manipulative and don't think that he didn't sell that "oh, I never loved anyone before you" crap to others before you. This is narcissistic behavior and he will play hot and cold until he will exhaust you. Did he tell you that you're the only one who understand him, too?

This. I would respect someone who would have said, we loved each other, but after 20 years and 3 kids, the love was eroded, we grew into different people, we no longer are compatible, whatever… just not this tired “I never loved her/him” refrain. If he didn’t love her, why did he stay so long, and how does he know he loves you?

People keep reading into this. He hasn’t said he loves me. We aren’t there. He did say “kids keep you together,” and theirs had special needs so he also stayed for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Sounds like revisionist history. If it’s true, that’s an even bigger red flag - why would ge marry someone he was not in love with? Frankly, he sounds very immature.

Terrible thing to say or believe, after the fact or not.

Sounds psycho, bitter or on the spectrum. Or all three.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dating someone who divorced after a long marriage with children (stayed till kids were raised to adulthood). I asked if he still loved her and he said “I don’t think I ever loved her.” Is this revisionist history? Do people really not love someone they married while young and had three children with and stayed with for nearly 30 years? Or is this just how they remember it when it’s over? He says that he didn’t really know what love was until more recently (also stuns me).

More recently? Like with you or someone else?

Either way, terrible thing to go around saying. Can’t wait to hear if his kids even talk to him meaningfully or why he got divorced.

[Anonymous]

red flag to me. a healthy divorced person will acknowledge that they loved their ex at one point but it is in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a red flag to me. This is just rewriting history and not taking responsibility for what happened. He seems very manipulative and don't think that he didn't sell that "oh, I never loved anyone before you" crap to others before you. This is narcissistic behavior and he will play hot and cold until he will exhaust you. Did he tell you that you're the only one who understand him, too?

This. I would respect someone who would have said, we loved each other, but after 20 years and 3 kids, the love was eroded, we grew into different people, we no longer are compatible, whatever… just not this tired “I never loved her/him” refrain. If he didn’t love her, why did he stay so long, and how does he know he loves you?

People keep reading into this. He hasn’t said he loves me. We aren’t there. He did say “kids keep you together,” and theirs had special needs so he also stayed for that.

What he said to you is a red flag. But seeing how you are vehemently defending him you're going to keep seeing him and you'll learn the hard way.

[Anonymous]

Big red flag. Either he’s engaged in revisionist history (but to what end?), or he’s so disengaged from his own emotions that you two will never have a truly emotionally intimate relationship. If he were in therapist working on his emotional health, I might feel differently.