“I never loved her”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think my parents loved each other. They had four kids. My mom got pregnant, and so they got married. Then life just happened, and they had more kids.

I'm in my 50s, and I can see how some people might stay in a marriage for the kids even if you don't love the spouse. As long as you don't hate that person and can get along, you may stay together for the kids.

I would for sure in this scenario.

TBH I think there are many people in the 55+ generations who married for reasons other than love. You basically had to get married back then or people assumed you were gay (also taboo) or severely damaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See I"m not so sure about all this. I mean it is possible to marry some one and not love them. You could marry someone because you want a family, or because you have been together for a while and your (or his/her) family expects you to. I know my mother didn't love my dad, but just felt it was time in her life for her to get married.
People marry for reasons other than love, so maybe this guys is telling the truth and maybe he never really did love his wife. I would ask him why he decided to marry her OP.

Why did they marry?

Why did they supposedly divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dating someone who divorced after a long marriage with children (stayed till kids were raised to adulthood). I asked if he still loved her and he said “I don’t think I ever loved her.” Is this revisionist history? Do people really not love someone they married while young and had three children with and stayed with for nearly 30 years? Or is this just how they remember it when it’s over? He says that he didn’t really know what love was until more recently (also stuns me).

Why did he marry her?
Why didn't he leave?
Why left when he did?
It sounds like justifying it all to himself and others by using "never loved" as an excuse. I wouldn't trust such person, unless he was forced into an arramged marriage in his teen years.

[Anonymous]

I knew when I got married that I didn't love her. I was trying to save her from a bad arranged marriage. Best lesson in life: never sacrifice yourself to try to help someone, and don't be a white knight.

[Anonymous]

^IDK why he married her, I like to think he has forgotten he loved her but don’t know.
But he stayed partly bc of special needs kids. It’s not like they would be in a better position without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew when I got married that I didn't love her. I was trying to save her from a bad arranged marriage. Best lesson in life: never sacrifice yourself to try to help someone, and don't be a white knight.

That’s just dumb. You weren’t doing something noble you have issues of your own.

[Anonymous]

Red flag. A middle aged man basically never loved anyone and never believed his love was forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't see how this is a red flag. We all know about people who get married too young and don't know what they're getting into. We probably all have boyfriends/girlfriends from high school/college that we thought we were super in love with but it turns out we really weren't. All kinds of people stay in unhappy marriages for decades, especially if they're confused about why they're unhappy.

Someone said above this indicates OP's boyfriend is not "taking responsibility" for his part in the end of his marriage. I don't see that at all. It looks like he did some self reflection and realized his feelings weren't what he thought they were.

This. This is why people give such terrible advice on this forum. They read everything through their own distorted lens, they diagnose personality disorders from 3 sentences of an anonymous post, they assume all sorts of facts that aren’t true. It’s so ridiculous. OP, you know a lot more than anyone responding here. If you don’t know what it means, just keep talking and get to know him better. DCUM is good for what color should I paint the hallway, not things that really matter.

I disagree.

I think you get lots of perspectives on DCUM which is a good thing. You may not get THE answer, but then when you are talking about love there is no THE answer.

Better for the OP to view this topic from different perspectives and from men and women of different ages and experiences than to sit and ruminate about it in her own mind with limited perspective. The more info you have the better you are able to figure out what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think my parents loved each other. They had four kids. My mom got pregnant, and so they got married. Then life just happened, and they had more kids.

I'm in my 50s, and I can see how some people might stay in a marriage for the kids even if you don't love the spouse. As long as you don't hate that person and can get along, you may stay together for the kids.

As their child, do you think they should’ve stayed together or divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I never loved each other. It happens. We married due to expectations and in his words: I “looked good on paper.” I had a lot of family pressure to marry.

This far more common than people want to acknowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See I"m not so sure about all this. I mean it is possible to marry some one and not love them. You could marry someone because you want a family, or because you have been together for a while and your (or his/her) family expects you to. I know my mother didn't love my dad, but just felt it was time in her life for her to get married.
People marry for reasons other than love, so maybe this guys is telling the truth and maybe he never really did love his wife. I would ask him why he decided to marry her OP.

Why did they marry?

Why did they supposedly divorce?

I got married because of family pressure. I was getting “old”; my ex-husband had his own reasons—we were not in love. I am in my mid 40s. Our marriage was a mistake. Then there is pressure to stay no matter what despite being completely miserable. Was married 10 years. This stuff still happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I never loved each other. It happens. We married due to expectations and in his words: I “looked good on paper.” I had a lot of family pressure to marry.

This far more common than people want to acknowledge.

I am the PP…I agree and wish people understood this still happens quite a lot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think my parents loved each other. They had four kids. My mom got pregnant, and so they got married. Then life just happened, and they had more kids.

I'm in my 50s, and I can see how some people might stay in a marriage for the kids even if you don't love the spouse. As long as you don't hate that person and can get along, you may stay together for the kids.

As their child, do you think they should’ve stayed together or divorced?

I am not that PP but I asked my parents to divorce as a kid. They could not stand each other. They are still married. I do not like to be around them. It would have been better for everyone if they divorced. I see them 1-2 times a year—only because I feel obligated because I have kids.

[Anonymous]

All these people marrying without wanting to marry the person were selfish, dishonest and weak then and nothing has changed, they are still selfish, dishonest and weak. They resent, cheat and leave because that's what in their interest now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All these people marrying without wanting to marry the person were selfish, dishonest and weak then and nothing has changed, they are still selfish, dishonest and weak. They resent, cheat and leave because that's what in their interest now.

Even if they married for love, they would have some other excuse to justify their actions.

We fell out of love.
We grew apart.
She/he changed.
People can be really creative with excuses if it serves them well.