Red flags you saw in spouse while dating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He told me he'd punched a wall. But ... nothing in marriage like that.

Women will never understand what it’s like to have testosterone running through their bodies anymore than we can understand what it’s like to have a period. Punching an inanimate object if no one is around is an acceptable occasional outlet for anger. No shame in it anymore than a woman eating a pint of ice cream after a breakup.

LOL so much testosterone that you’re hanging out on a site for middle aged moms?

LOL so much estrogen you have no control over your complaining. Go eat your pint of ice cream.

[Anonymous]

Piles of paper on his dining room table and other signs of being disorganized. He now keeps his piles in a cabinet and I ignore them. Married over 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Didn't realize her borderline personality disorder(BPM) which has brought a lot of sneaky and control issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe everyone has negative traits, but some are more severe than others. For those who are happily married what are some red flags you saw when dating, but decided to go through with marriage anyways?

Not happily married. He asked me nothing about myself on our dates. I had to offer. He asked me to pay on third date - I had not offered. I didn’t like his voice. He guilted me into calling him back. He told me he liked to be in control. He was cheap. So many more I could name if you’d like me to go on...

[Anonymous]

disorganized, messy, tolerance for filth, lack of basic life skills, narcissistic.

[Anonymous]

I’ll tell you the red flag be ignored that has been our biggest point of conflict: I’m not an organized person and I’m totally fine with things being untidy as long as my living space is still are still functional. I asked him why, when he knew how I lived, was he acting surprised that I continued to live that way. He said “I thought you’d step up.”

Whatever. We have been married 15 years and we both work to “step up,” (him with letting go of his need for control).

The red flags I examined but didn’t stop me: he was pushy and struggled with compassion. He has gotten much better with the compassion and empathy, and I have had to work on my own boundaries because of his strong personality. I’m still learning.

But this makes our marriage sound terrible. Overall I think I’m so lucky to have found a guy like him.

[Anonymous]

Happily married, but dh was always a workaholic. It's a way he dealt with early loss and trauma and I have my own problems. We weren't able to have kids, so hasn't been a big deal in our relationship and he does his fair share around the house despite seemingly loving to work every minute he can, even after 20 years. On the plus side, he doesn't waste time with sports.

[Anonymous]

No friends of note. Friends most often doing nothing and going no where. Showed no emotions. Was odd. Said odd things that left people silent. Poor social skills. I excused it. Vengeful talk and behaviors. Telling me I would be shocked at his thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Multiple children with multiple women and has no healthy relationship with any of them or his kids. Only brings them up to elicit sympathy or attention to whatever lie he has decided to tell to get attention. Complete narcissistic sociopath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He told me he'd punched a wall. But ... nothing in marriage like that.

Women will never understand what it’s like to have testosterone running through their bodies anymore than we can understand what it’s like to have a period. Punching an inanimate object if no one is around is an acceptable occasional outlet for anger. No shame in it anymore than a woman eating a pint of ice cream after a breakup.

Please check out the power and control wheel at loveisrespect.org

https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/power-and-control-dating-abuse/

Smashing things, including punching holes in walls, is a form of physical intimidation.

As soon as I saw “male privilege” on the diagram it’s pretty certain it was written by a female. Sorry but your understanding only goes so far. I’m sure most women wouldn’t be fond of being lectured on birth control or their uterus by a man. Punching a wall in the presence of others it could be construed as intimidation, but not in private. Don’t pretend you fully understand men if you aren’t one.

[Anonymous]

His nickname in college was related to his anger. His anger showed up later in our marriage.

He was able to tune out his mother. He is now able to tune out me.

His mother was very involved in his life. She is still very involved in his life. He tunes her out which means she tries to be very involved in my life. Ugh.