Red flags you saw in spouse while dating

[Anonymous]

Flirtatious with others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Binge drinker, often when we first met. It took awhile before seeing it was a problem because we were young and having fun. A few years into our relationship, I asked to do a few dry months together because I was afraid he had a problem. He agreed. Slowly over a few years, he’s really gotten it under control and we both don’t drink at home, except on rare occasions. He never drank when we traveled or even at restaurants when he had this problem, just wine at home. We are happily married but I’m aware it could become a problem again. He’s got a lot of control if he doesn’t have it in the house, but little if it’s around.

I could have written this about my DH. It was a problem for a while, but it is under control now but I'm always watching (quietly) to make sure it stays that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Executive function issues. Extremely disorganized. Messy. Average/low energy/introversion.

This is me. I am unmarriageable.

Agreed. As another person who just divorced someone like this. Get some confidence. Work on your healthy to bring up your energy, work on communication and fix your executive function if you want to be marriageable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Binge drinker, often when we first met. It took awhile before seeing it was a problem because we were young and having fun. A few years into our relationship, I asked to do a few dry months together because I was afraid he had a problem. He agreed. Slowly over a few years, he’s really gotten it under control and we both don’t drink at home, except on rare occasions. He never drank when we traveled or even at restaurants when he had this problem, just wine at home. We are happily married but I’m aware it could become a problem again. He’s got a lot of control if he doesn’t have it in the house, but little if it’s around.

I could have written this about my DH. It was a problem for a while, but it is under control now but I'm always watching (quietly) to make sure it stays that way.

Same here. And the truth is that binge drinking in 20s did not seem like such a red flag when we met - but if I had met him in my 30s...

[Anonymous]

Red flags in me:
Willing to flirt with other men
Tried to break up with him
Not fully committed.

Red flags in him:
He convinced me to not break up with him
I thought he wasn't close to his family

Red flags in us
We didn't fight (we avoid the hard issues)

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure if it was a a red flag, but it was something that I knew about before marriage, and has affected our marriage. My husband is a night owl, and I'm a big morning person. This wasn't a negative when we were dating, or before kids, but since kids it's become our biggest stress point. All activities need to be planned for later, kids need to be kept quiet until late morning, he's a miserable person in the morning if forced to wake up, and is physically unable to go to bed earlier without guaranteeing a night of no sleep due to insomnia.

So yeah, it sucks, but I'm guessing it's not a permanent suck. I miss my alone time, and I feel like he's missing out on quality time with the kids, and I hate that I'm single parenting for most of the weekend, but I honestly don't think there's anything that can be done. When the kids are older, I'm assuming it'll work itself out.

[Anonymous]

Generalized anxiety that drives a lot of hypochondria, decision paralysis, and hypervigilance. I'm anxious, too, but express it in very different ways. I love him dearly and would never want to be without him, but we produced two high-anxiety children and I wish our whole family could just chill the eff out.

[Anonymous]

Happily married here. Red flags were his drinking. We were young and did a lot of partying so I didn’t really see it as an issue. He’s now a teetotaler but that was a rough period.

Also he didn’t want kids but is now a super happy dad, was just dealing with his divorced family bs.

[Anonymous]

NO WAY! Do not ignore them. The odds of you eeking out happiness is so much lower and typically equates to you forcing yourself to be ok with whatever that red flag is. And some will resolve themselves or the person will evolve and change. Most will remain though and it's when times get tough that they're exposed, making every bad situation you go through so much worse. I put up with excessive drinking, careless finances and a family dynamic that was toxic. Spent 6 years of my life dealing with it. We had so many great times and I will not discount that. Like a lot of these situations, it isn't all bad. all the time. But the bad was the worst and I couldn't be happier to be free of it all. Tread carefully OP! I wish you the best

[Anonymous]

Mood swings, rage, sneaky behavior. Still married, but in hindsight there were red flags, I was just too young to read them, so I excused them.

I would tell anyone to take any red flag seriously because it's likely the tip of the iceberg. Before marriage they putting their best foot forward, so it's a small sample of what's to come.

[Anonymous]

For me, she was too needy and anxious and want to get married quickly even after first marriage was in the process of divorce.

Second is some women have all the life planned already such as engagement, marriage, kids etc and you look like just a tool for them to achieve that. Nope, dumped her right away.

[Anonymous]

She was too eager to connect by sex and tie me down. Very sneaky as well in which she would scan net for my name and then come up weird scenarios so that I could explain her that related situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I’m looking for stories from people who are happily married in spite of red flags. Thanks!

Drinking was the big one.

He is in recovery now and we are happily married for the moment. But it has been hell and there have definitely been times the last few years that I wished I had paid more attention to the flags and not married him, even though that would mean not having our two children.

I’m still not sure we’ll stay married. Cautious optimism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Executive function issues. Extremely disorganized. Messy. Average/low energy/introversion.

This is me. I am unmarriageable.

Agreed. As another person who just divorced someone like this. Get some confidence. Work on your healthy to bring up your energy, work on communication and fix your executive function if you want to be marriageable.

Great advice, pp probably never thought about that idea. She could just fix it. Easy peasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if it was a a red flag, but it was something that I knew about before marriage, and has affected our marriage. My husband is a night owl, and I'm a big morning person. This wasn't a negative when we were dating, or before kids, but since kids it's become our biggest stress point. All activities need to be planned for later, kids need to be kept quiet until late morning, he's a miserable person in the morning if forced to wake up, and is physically unable to go to bed earlier without guaranteeing a night of no sleep due to insomnia.

So yeah, it sucks, but I'm guessing it's not a permanent suck. I miss my alone time, and I feel like he's missing out on quality time with the kids, and I hate that I'm single parenting for most of the weekend, but I honestly don't think there's anything that can be done. When the kids are older, I'm assuming it'll work itself out.

If he cares enough, he'll compromise. I'm a night owl (wife). Husband is early to bed, early to rise. After we had a child, I started waking up early to have coffee and chat with him. It was peaceful quiet time before the baby woke up. We still do this years later. I drink more coffee/tea than I should, but it's worth it to be in a good (or at least semi-awake) mood and have that couple time.

I've also successfully trained myself not to sleep in. Even when we travel without our kid on vacations, I never sleep past 9:30 am.

I have the most trouble with going to bed early, which I have to do if I wake up early. (I am very delicate with sleep needs and feel very off-kilter without 8 full hours at minimum.) I often read a book or read on my Kindle a little too long. But I never let it go past 11pm.