Red flags you saw in spouse while dating

[Anonymous]

Bad eating habits and bad at cleaning up. Still the same.

But also brilliant, very kind, very funny, very hard working. All remain wonderful virtues.

[Anonymous]

oh boy. I was too stupid to realize these were huge red flags: 1) pressured me to sleep with him 2) went apeshit on some doormen in my building and his 3) didn’t introduce me to many of his friends (they all thought I was made up - can’t figure out why though)

[Anonymous]

Mine had serious red flags but we're very happy married. He is 9 years older, was married at the time, and confessed his feelings for me before ending things with his ex wife. No kids from his first marriage. This was all a while ago and I couldn't ask for a better relationship. We really are the right match. He by and large treated his ex wife with respect and we today have a good relationship with her and her second husband, though they now live on the west coast so it's all at a distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He told me he'd punched a wall. But ... nothing in marriage like that.

Women will never understand what it’s like to have testosterone running through their bodies anymore than we can understand what it’s like to have a period. Punching an inanimate object if no one is around is an acceptable occasional outlet for anger. No shame in it anymore than a woman eating a pint of ice cream after a breakup.

Please check out the power and control wheel at loveisrespect.org

https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/power-and-control-dating-abuse/

Smashing things, including punching holes in walls, is a form of physical intimidation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Avoided tough conversations.
Weaseled out of making decisions or waited so long no options remained
Would walk off if a disagreement

This is me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine was also too close to his parents, would go off about the littlest things and had mood swings. He’d also never follow through with anything. All of these got worse over time. After we had kids there were times where the kids and I would have to walk on eggshells because we were not sure which version of him was around and you never really knew what would set him off. Divorced for almost five years now and so much happier. Adult kids still deal with him but they’ve become experts in navigating his moods. He still promises the world and never follows through but they have come to realize they can’t get their hopes up about anything he says he’ll do.

That was my Dad, and let me tell you, it really does a number on ones confidence.

[Anonymous]

Alcohol use
Two altercations with lower SES black men—bullying someone he views as beneath him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if it was a a red flag, but it was something that I knew about before marriage, and has affected our marriage. My husband is a night owl, and I'm a big morning person. This wasn't a negative when we were dating, or before kids, but since kids it's become our biggest stress point. All activities need to be planned for later, kids need to be kept quiet until late morning, he's a miserable person in the morning if forced to wake up, and is physically unable to go to bed earlier without guaranteeing a night of no sleep due to insomnia.

So yeah, it sucks, but I'm guessing it's not a permanent suck. I miss my alone time, and I feel like he's missing out on quality time with the kids, and I hate that I'm single parenting for most of the weekend, but I honestly don't think there's anything that can be done. When the kids are older, I'm assuming it'll work itself out.

Does your husband manage to get up early during the week, for work? If so, it’s total bullshit that he “can’t” get up with the kids on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He told me he'd punched a wall. But ... nothing in marriage like that.

Women will never understand what it’s like to have testosterone running through their bodies anymore than we can understand what it’s like to have a period. Punching an inanimate object if no one is around is an acceptable occasional outlet for anger. No shame in it anymore than a woman eating a pint of ice cream after a breakup.

Not acceptable if you damage the inanimate object. Also, tons of men DON’T do this, so don’t pretend it’s all men. You may just have a rage issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine had serious red flags but we're very happy married. He is 9 years older, was married at the time, and confessed his feelings for me before ending things with his ex wife. No kids from his first marriage. This was all a while ago and I couldn't ask for a better relationship. We really are the right match. He by and large treated his ex wife with respect and we today have a good relationship with her and her second husband, though they now live on the west coast so it's all at a distance.

Why is any relationship necessary at all with no kids? What ties/loose ends are there?

[Anonymous]

His low sex drive. In the honeymoon stage we were having sex once a week. I was stupid not to realize it would fall off even more especially after kids.

[Anonymous]

Too dependent on her family and thinks where she grew up in the Rust Belt is the greatest place on earth. These behaviors are common in this area. Met her on a consulting assignment and started using the wrong brain.

[Anonymous]

She was extremely messy and disorganized.

[Anonymous]

She had already been diagnosed bipolar. A few years later, it turned about to be an accurate diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He told me he'd punched a wall. But ... nothing in marriage like that.

Women will never understand what it’s like to have testosterone running through their bodies anymore than we can understand what it’s like to have a period. Punching an inanimate object if no one is around is an acceptable occasional outlet for anger. No shame in it anymore than a woman eating a pint of ice cream after a breakup.

Not acceptable if you damage the inanimate object. Also, tons of men DON’T do this, so don’t pretend it’s all men. You may just have a rage issue.

I didn’t say it was all men, you projected. Never punched a wall, but I understand why some men do. Like I said, women can never fully understand.