Red flags you saw in spouse while dating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was married.

That's the biggest flag of all. If you are with someone that is married, they are a cheater and a liar, but probably so are you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if it was a a red flag, but it was something that I knew about before marriage, and has affected our marriage. My husband is a night owl, and I'm a big morning person. This wasn't a negative when we were dating, or before kids, but since kids it's become our biggest stress point. All activities need to be planned for later, kids need to be kept quiet until late morning, he's a miserable person in the morning if forced to wake up, and is physically unable to go to bed earlier without guaranteeing a night of no sleep due to insomnia.

So yeah, it sucks, but I'm guessing it's not a permanent suck. I miss my alone time, and I feel like he's missing out on quality time with the kids, and I hate that I'm single parenting for most of the weekend, but I honestly don't think there's anything that can be done. When the kids are older, I'm assuming it'll work itself out.

If he cares enough, he'll compromise. I'm a night owl (wife). Husband is early to bed, early to rise. After we had a child, I started waking up early to have coffee and chat with him. It was peaceful quiet time before the baby woke up. We still do this years later. I drink more coffee/tea than I should, but it's worth it to be in a good (or at least semi-awake) mood and have that couple time.

I've also successfully trained myself not to sleep in. Even when we travel without our kid on vacations, I never sleep past 9:30 am.

I have the most trouble with going to bed early, which I have to do if I wake up early. (I am very delicate with sleep needs and feel very off-kilter without 8 full hours at minimum.) I often read a book or read on my Kindle a little too long. But I never let it go past 11pm.

Has he compromised too?

[Anonymous]

his mother

[Anonymous]

Only talked about himself. Never asked me any questions about himself.

His parents' house was a disaster. Horribly messy with way too much stuff laying around everywhere all the time. Not TV-level but borderline hoarding issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only talked about himself. Never asked me any questions about himself.

His parents' house was a disaster. Horribly messy with way too much stuff laying around everywhere all the time. Not TV-level but borderline hoarding issues.

Correction: Never asked me any questions about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought he was too close with his parents.

I never understand how this is a red flag as long as he lives on his own. Men can’t win. If he wasn’t close to his mom, a big red flag

What if his mother drops by unannounced? Regularly? Pays his bills. What if he talks to his mom while on a date with you? All his clothes were bought by his mom? He can't make any decisions without talking to her? He goes on all vacations with his parents? It's easy to be too close, too enmeshed.

[Anonymous]

Bad hygiene.

It was funny that he had a gross apartment in college. Now that it’s in our shared house it’s a lot less funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if it was a a red flag, but it was something that I knew about before marriage, and has affected our marriage. My husband is a night owl, and I'm a big morning person. This wasn't a negative when we were dating, or before kids, but since kids it's become our biggest stress point. All activities need to be planned for later, kids need to be kept quiet until late morning, he's a miserable person in the morning if forced to wake up, and is physically unable to go to bed earlier without guaranteeing a night of no sleep due to insomnia.

So yeah, it sucks, but I'm guessing it's not a permanent suck. I miss my alone time, and I feel like he's missing out on quality time with the kids, and I hate that I'm single parenting for most of the weekend, but I honestly don't think there's anything that can be done. When the kids are older, I'm assuming it'll work itself out.

What kind of work does your husband do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I’m looking for stories from people who are happily married in spite of red flags. Thanks!

He frequently lost things of importance: umbrellas, backpacks, wallets, books, keys, etc. 30 years later, I have to remind him several times about important tasks, etc. He's got inattentive add, I suppose. He is a loving dh and father, but he still loses things: 2 wedding rings, our mortgage payment he was supposed to mail, 7 winter coats, countless gloves, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if it was a a red flag, but it was something that I knew about before marriage, and has affected our marriage. My husband is a night owl, and I'm a big morning person. This wasn't a negative when we were dating, or before kids, but since kids it's become our biggest stress point. All activities need to be planned for later, kids need to be kept quiet until late morning, he's a miserable person in the morning if forced to wake up, and is physically unable to go to bed earlier without guaranteeing a night of no sleep due to insomnia.

So yeah, it sucks, but I'm guessing it's not a permanent suck. I miss my alone time, and I feel like he's missing out on quality time with the kids, and I hate that I'm single parenting for most of the weekend, but I honestly don't think there's anything that can be done. When the kids are older, I'm assuming it'll work itself out.

If he cares enough, he'll compromise. I'm a night owl (wife). Husband is early to bed, early to rise. After we had a child, I started waking up early to have coffee and chat with him. It was peaceful quiet time before the baby woke up. We still do this years later. I drink more coffee/tea than I should, but it's worth it to be in a good (or at least semi-awake) mood and have that couple time.

I've also successfully trained myself not to sleep in. Even when we travel without our kid on vacations, I never sleep past 9:30 am.

I have the most trouble with going to bed early, which I have to do if I wake up early. (I am very delicate with sleep needs and feel very off-kilter without 8 full hours at minimum.) I often read a book or read on my Kindle a little too long. But I never let it go past 11pm.

Has he compromised too?

Yep. He would happily go to bed at 9pm but will stay up til 10:30-11 for my sake.

[Anonymous]

When we started dating he was really bad with saving and had a few hobbies/splurges that were too expensive for what he was making. It is no longer an issue because his income has increased very significantly and his tastes/habits haven't gone up. And he knows he's disorganized with budgeting so I manage our household budget and make sure we're saving enough. From the time we started dating until we got engaged his income doubled, and he showed a willingness to improve his financial discipline. I wouldn't have married him if he didn't show steps towards improving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we started dating he was really bad with saving and had a few hobbies/splurges that were too expensive for what he was making. It is no longer an issue because his income has increased very significantly and his tastes/habits haven't gone up. And he knows he's disorganized with budgeting so I manage our household budget and make sure we're saving enough. From the time we started dating until we got engaged his income doubled, and he showed a willingness to improve his financial discipline. I wouldn't have married him if he didn't show steps towards improving.

Same. My spouse overspent when we were dating, and it was a red flag, and it was an issue in the early years of our marriage. Rather than fiscal discipline, he just became a workaholic so he could keep spending. I play defense in our marriage with these like retirement and kids' college accounts, and he makes and spends a lot of money (and to be fair, he spends a lot of money on me and our kids, too). It's never easy to have a marriage of a saver and spender, but we got through it and are fine now.

[Anonymous]

When we were planning our wedding, exDW screamed at me after we met with the caterer. She had revised the wedding reception menu, but the caterer said in his experience we were ordering too much of x and not enough of y. I said, "Fine. All I care about is the bottom line cost. I'll defer to your expertise." What matters to you more, what your wife wants or the thoughts of some complete stranger? She screamed at me and threw a tantrum. I should have cancelled the wedding right there.

[Anonymous]

His drinking
Has been to AA and told me only before the wedding and hid two DUI’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I’m looking for stories from people who are happily married in spite of red flags. Thanks!

He frequently lost things of importance: umbrellas, backpacks, wallets, books, keys, etc. 30 years later, I have to remind him several times about important tasks, etc. He's got inattentive add, I suppose. He is a loving dh and father, but he still loses things: 2 wedding rings, our mortgage payment he was supposed to mail, 7 winter coats, countless gloves, etc.

Jeez!! How!?