Reply to My DH does not understand what it's like to be the primary parent

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don’t know why y’all marry these men.[/quote]

When I married him, he was a self-sufficient adult who owned a home, was great at his job, planned dates for us, did his own laundry, etc. I never expected to be in this situation, and even when we had one kid he was pretty good. But something about the second kid... he just checks out a lot now. I have no idea what red flags I supposedly missed. I don't know what I could have done to prevent this beyond aggressively forcing him to take on childcare duties when they were babies. Should I have forced him to take a solo paternity leave, would that have helped? But then how do you even do that, it was not an option for us.

I think he hit a limit on parenting and we didn't know what that limit was going to be until we exceeded it. He was doing fine up until then.[/quote]

DP, so I didn't write the first post. How is your relationship between you and your husband? To me, when I explain to my husband that I feel like I'm drowning or that I'm stressed out, he cares and reacts accordingly because he loves me. (And I do the same for him). It often requires a conversation outside the moment when you sit down and tell him how you feel.

[b]My husband used to sit down on the couch in our living room (which is connected to our kitchen) when I was doing something in there because it looked like I was handling everything and didn't need his help. However, I was simultaneously emptying the dishwasher, making dinner, packing lunches, and dealing with the kids' homework.[/b] But because no one was screaming, he thought it was ok. Then I started sitting down on the couch with him. Every time he sat, I sat. I basically refused to do any work if he wasn't doing any (we both work full-time jobs, so this is just related to house/child work). He then realized how unfair it was that I was doing stuff while he wasn't. So now we either decide who is doing what (and if someone finished their tasks early they're generally kind enough to help the other person out), or we don't sit until we can both sit.[/quote]

OMG this is like me and my DH. I guess I need to follow your example. I've even verbally pointed it out to him "I am standing here cooking and making tomorrow's lunches and you are sitting down doing nothing" and [b]he still doesn't seem to get it or at least doesn't know what to do to help[/b]. [/quote]

I'm PP. Seriously, give the sitting a try. [b]I have a hard time sitting down and relaxing if everyone else isn't doing the same but once I did it and he could literally see that I wasn't moving, it caught his attention.[/b] I hope it works for you![/quote]

NP with some questions. For the PP who just started sitting down when your DH was sitting, did you verbalize anything to him? Or wait for him to pick up on it? Or wait for the kids to meltdown about hunger before pointing out the obvious (that you were both sitting and no one was making dinner)?

For the other PP, this is what is driving me insane. He doesn’t even know how to help. I have to delegate everything. “We’re making lunches. Go get the lunch boxes. They’re literally in front of you. Fill some water bottles. If they’re not in the drawer, where might they be?” I mean, seriously!![/quote]

I'm PP who sat down. I didn't say anything at first, just started staring at my phone as he was. (I turned the stove off first - pro tip!). When the kids would ask a question I'd just ignore them, like he had been doing. It didn't take him long to look up at me and ask what was going on. I said oh, I thought this was sitting time, since that's what you were doing. It took him a minute and then he said, what should I be doing? And I said I don't know, what should you be doing? So he got up and realized that I had been doing ten things at once and he chipped in and helped me finish everything. My kids were 6 and 7, so not babies, and I knew they'd survive a few minute experiment. Now he will sometimes still go sit down but he'll often first say "I emptied the dishwasher and filled the dogs' water and washed the water bottles and I don't see anything else that needs to be done - is there anything I can do?" Or sometimes he'll end up zoning out and then hop up and apologize. He's not perfect, nor am I. I just want an equal partner to share life's load, and he acknowledged that he hadn't been doing that and now he is much better. [/quote]

I’m the PP who asked. This is fantastic. Thank you.[/quote]

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