ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us

[Anonymous]

DH and I live in NYC with our two kids, a preschooler and a newborn. My elderly ILs live in VA. They run a small grocery store (frequent contact with customers, touching cash) and refuse to stop working. Not for financial reasons, but because they have no life outside of work and don't know what to do if they're not working.

DH is understandably very upset about this, but he wants them to move in with us for oh A MONTH OR TWO to prevent them from working. They are open to this Like most people, I have many reasons for not wanting this living situation, the biggest being that we live in a 1500 sf apartment and whatever issues we have with each other will get magnified to eruption point sheltering in a small space for such a long time, not to mention I will be extremely unhappy and stressed with the situation.

I would be fine with paying for an apartment sublet near us or in NJ for a couple months. But ILs (who are cheap) would refuse and also be offended that we weren't inviting them to live with us. I thought about and decided against moving our family in with them in VA, in part, to stop them from working, but life with a newborn is tough enough without having to stay in someone else's home and with hosts who barely give a rat's a** about you.

DH knows how I feel and is angry about it. If the roles were reversed, he would suck up living with my parents for two months if need be and he's pissed that I am not willing to do the same. I would agree to this if it were the only choice, but am not because his parents are refusing the much better choice, i.e., Stop Working!!!

But regardless of who is in the wrong or right, neither of us wants his parents to die, and if they die because they kept working, DH will blame me for the rest of our lives. This is not something I can live with unless we get a divorce (which is not ideal).

P.S. DH is not a reasonable guy. He thinks about things very differently from most people and the fact that he is an outlier in opinion does not make him think any less that he is right. I will not get out of this situation by reasoning with him, only by getting his parents out of harm's way.

[Anonymous]

Then get his parents out of harm's way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then get his parents out of harm's way.

How?

[Anonymous]

Is there an apartment available in your building? Otherwise, I would suck it up.

[Anonymous]

NYC is not a safe place for them to be. The infection rate is NYC is much higher there than it is here in VA. What county in VA are they in? They are far more likely to pick up Covid if they were up there than if they stay here in VA. Do not bring them up to NY.

[Anonymous]

Your PS is a bit disturbing.

No way I would bring a high risk couple (high risk meaning many interactions with the public, and recently - although they are also high risk in terms of their own health if they get covid-19) into my home in a hot zone when I have a newborn.

[Anonymous]

They are safer in their a grocery store than in nyc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then get his parents out of harm's way.

How?

You outlined several options in your op. You make it sound as if you have no choice but to remove them from their current situation or your marriage is over. How important is staying married? Is it more important than being stubborn? There are ways to achieve the goal of protecting their health without jeopardizing yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I live in NYC with our two kids, a preschooler and a newborn. My elderly ILs live in VA. They run a small grocery store (frequent contact with customers, touching cash) and refuse to stop working. Not for financial reasons, but because they have no life outside of work and don't know what to do if they're not working.

DH is understandably very upset about this, but he wants them to move in with us for oh A MONTH OR TWO to prevent them from working. They are open to this Like most people, I have many reasons for not wanting this living situation, the biggest being that we live in a 1500 sf apartment and whatever issues we have with each other will get magnified to eruption point sheltering in a small space for such a long time, not to mention I will be extremely unhappy and stressed with the situation.

I would be fine with paying for an apartment sublet near us or in NJ for a couple months. But ILs (who are cheap) would refuse and also be offended that we weren't inviting them to live with us. I thought about and decided against moving our family in with them in VA, in part, to stop them from working, but life with a newborn is tough enough without having to stay in someone else's home and with hosts who barely give a rat's a** about you.

DH knows how I feel and is angry about it. If the roles were reversed, he would suck up living with my parents for two months if need be and he's pissed that I am not willing to do the same. I would agree to this if it were the only choice, but am not because his parents are refusing the much better choice, i.e., Stop Working!!!

But regardless of who is in the wrong or right, neither of us wants his parents to die, and if they die because they kept working, DH will blame me for the rest of our lives. This is not something I can live with unless we get a divorce (which is not ideal).

P.S. DH is not a reasonable guy. He thinks about things very differently from most people and the fact that he is an outlier in opinion does not make him think any less that he is right. I will not get out of this situation by reasoning with him, only by getting his parents out of harm's way.

it seems to me that you'd be putting his parents IN harm's way by moving them to NY, where apparently millions have the virus. But anyway if they are willing to, wouldn't they help with the baby and preschooler? It sounds like you don't have a great relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Wait...

Did you say you have a newborn baby???

And you want to bring two people with high risk of exposure to live with you? No, no, no! Instead of thinking about protecting your ILs - who can easily protect themselves - you should be thinking about protecting that baby!!!! Respiratory illnesses are often deadly in babies.

How are you going to feel if you bring the grandparents over and your newborn ends up on a respirator or dead?

Protect your baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NYC is not a safe place for them to be. The infection rate is NYC is much higher there than it is here in VA. What county in VA are they in? They are far more likely to pick up Covid if they were up there than if they stay here in VA. Do not bring them up to NY.

OP here. The way DH sees it, his parents are less likely to catch covid in NYC and I actually agree with him. We live in a "nicer" zip code in Manhattan with one of the lowest number of cases, we're sheltering in place and taking other precautions. My ILs will keep working if they stay in VA. However... if they were to catch covid, their odds of recovery would be better in VA because our hospitals are at their limits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait...

Did you say you have a newborn baby???

And you want to bring two people with high risk of exposure to live with you? No, no, no! Instead of thinking about protecting your ILs - who can easily protect themselves - you should be thinking about protecting that baby!!!! Respiratory illnesses are often deadly in babies.

How are you going to feel if you bring the grandparents over and your newborn ends up on a respirator or dead?

Protect your baby.

they could stop working and then wait at home for 2 weeks in VA before coming to NYC. but it doesn't sound like they'd be the types to actually stay in for 2 weeks.

[Anonymous]

As has already been noted, the Ins are at greater risk in NYC than in VA. On top of which, your husband is putting you and your family at greater risk by bringing them up. Two people who refuse to stay home in VA are not going to sit inside in your apartment in NYC. They will be going out and potentially bringing the virus back into your home. Does your DH not understand the risk of this. My parents (who are at high risk for multiple reasons) refuse to stay home. They come up with an excuse every single day to go out, go to stores, pick up food different places because they can't stand to stay inside. And they never wear a mask.

[Anonymous]

Aren’t pediatricians recommending no visitors for newborns? I’ve heard no visitors for 2 months or longer. And you’re seriously considering moving two very high exposure people to your home?

Do you just not care about your newborn at all?

[Anonymous]

OP again. I agree with most of what everyone is saying here. I think it is CRAZY that DH wants to bring his parents here. His parents might have covid by the time they get here and give it to us. We might be asymptomatic carriers and give it to them. DH says nope, none of us have it As to the newborn, what we last heard is that there were no deaths among infants and a rare case or two of deaths among young children and I think this is reducing DH's concern about our kids getting sick.

Like I said, DH has outlier ideas. He doesn't want our preschooler DD to use a carseat because "none of our parents did" and that "we just need to drive more safely." He actually gets mad at me for waiting until DD is buckled in to start driving and will secretly undo her straps to make her more comfortable.

But aside from having "unusual opinions," I think DH is desperately worried about his parents continuing to work and it's making him think not so rationally.