ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please stop having kids with that man. He had severe psychological problems.

And also start planning a divorce. You will end up that way eventually anyway. Do NOT compromise on anything in the meantime. In-laws staying with you is downright ridiculous, let alone such unreasonable in-laws and such a nutcase DH.

Start planning your escape now. Make sure you document all the stuff about the kids, it will be important soon for custody.

+1

[Anonymous]

So your DH’s parents are providing an essential service to their community and your DHs plan is to stop them. So the community suffers and your family is put at risk? This sounds like a lose-lose situation.

Yes the grandparents are risking their lives but they are actually doing so for a good reason. It’s not like they are just socializing for pleasure.

[Anonymous]

They want to work
They are competent
It is none of your business

[Anonymous]

We can't solve "nutcase" ... your husband
and neither can you

if it isn't THIS problem,
it will be some other strange, weird problem after this one

you will never be at peace with this man, imho

[Anonymous]

OP, take both kids and move in with your own parents. Frame the move in terms he can understand--tell him you're doing it for THEIR safety. Tell him you need to keep an eye on them and to make sure they are being safe.

While at your parents, start doing research for the possibility of a divorce. Document everything.

People don't change THAT much with time--if anything, most will double down on negative behaviors. You have two children. They come first.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a f’ing idiot.... that is all

[Anonymous]

OP back again. It looks like we have some resolution... DH told me this afternoon that ILs decided not to come at all. Maybe it was more DH's wishful thinking that he could convince them to come. I spoke with my mom this morning, she and my ILs are same generation/same culture and she said "you can tell DH that your ILs can come because no way are they going to." Looks like Mom does know best.

As to the bigger picture of my DH's issues, yes, I'm aware of them, we've been married for 10 years. We were in couples therapy when sheltering in place began. He is 85% okay and 15% WTF crazy, but at least he's willing to go into therapy so hopefully, we can work with the 15% crazy.

Incidentally, I had no idea that infants were at greater risk of covid 19; last I heard was a few weeks ago when they were saying that there were no deaths and only mild symptoms for the under 10 lot. I thought that if our ILs came, we were putting all of the adults at risk, but I thought the kids would be okay. Never would I knowingly put my child at serious risk. And no, I don't compromise on the car seat, I make sure the kids are strapped in before we start driving. And now that we have a baby, DH sits in the front and no longer fiddles with car seat straps while I'm driving.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

[Anonymous]

why on earth did you marry this guy and make two babies with him? Send him to VA and you stay home and quarantine with the kids. Then file for divorce and custody since he doesn't care about the kids safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again. It looks like we have some resolution... DH told me this afternoon that ILs decided not to come at all. Maybe it was more DH's wishful thinking that he could convince them to come. I spoke with my mom this morning, she and my ILs are same generation/same culture and she said "you can tell DH that your ILs can come because no way are they going to." Looks like Mom does know best.

As to the bigger picture of my DH's issues, yes, I'm aware of them, we've been married for 10 years. We were in couples therapy when sheltering in place began. He is 85% okay and 15% WTF crazy, but at least he's willing to go into therapy so hopefully, we can work with the 15% crazy.

Incidentally, I had no idea that infants were at greater risk of covid 19; last I heard was a few weeks ago when they were saying that there were no deaths and only mild symptoms for the under 10 lot. I thought that if our ILs came, we were putting all of the adults at risk, but I thought the kids would be okay. Never would I knowingly put my child at serious risk. And no, I don't compromise on the car seat, I make sure the kids are strapped in before we start driving. And now that we have a baby, DH sits in the front and no longer fiddles with car seat straps while I'm driving.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

For the future: you need to be the most informed, knowledgeable person in the relationship, otherwise you won’t be able to nip things in the bud and barrage him with solid counterarguments. The infant thing was on the news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I agree with most of what everyone is saying here. I think it is CRAZY that DH wants to bring his parents here. His parents might have covid by the time they get here and give it to us. We might be asymptomatic carriers and give it to them. DH says nope, none of us have it As to the newborn, what we last heard is that there were no deaths among infants and a rare case or two of deaths among young children and I think this is reducing DH's concern about our kids getting sick.

Like I said, DH has outlier ideas. He doesn't want our preschooler DD to use a carseat because "none of our parents did" and that "we just need to drive more safely." He actually gets mad at me for waiting until DD is buckled in to start driving and will secretly undo her straps to make her more comfortable.

But aside from having "unusual opinions," I think DH is desperately worried about his parents continuing to work and it's making him think not so rationally.

Enlist your pediatrician. Talk privately to the doctor in advance and ask the doctor to tell DH that the kids ARE susceptible to this virus (which is true -- they may have lower risk but in a 1500 SF apartment they also WILL get it if grandparents bring it in). DH needs to hear this from someone who is not you, OP, someone whom he sees as a neutral third party professional.

No way should they come to your home. The time to have had them move to shelter with you or vice versa is long past.

Does DH have any guy friend he might listen to, if you trust that friend to talk to him and not give away that you primed friend on this topic?

I hate to suggest resorting to these third party tactics but your DH sounds like he's operating from fear and guilt and has shut down entirely when he hears your voice. He also has issues regarding im his parents as adults who are making their own choices. When all this is over and baby is older you and DH should do counseling because there are communications and priorities issues here (yeah, his).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again. It looks like we have some resolution... DH told me this afternoon that ILs decided not to come at all. Maybe it was more DH's wishful thinking that he could convince them to come. I spoke with my mom this morning, she and my ILs are same generation/same culture and she said "you can tell DH that your ILs can come because no way are they going to." Looks like Mom does know best.

As to the bigger picture of my DH's issues, yes, I'm aware of them, we've been married for 10 years. We were in couples therapy when sheltering in place began. He is 85% okay and 15% WTF crazy, but at least he's willing to go into therapy so hopefully, we can work with the 15% crazy.

Incidentally, I had no idea that infants were at greater risk of covid 19; last I heard was a few weeks ago when they were saying that there were no deaths and only mild symptoms for the under 10 lot. I thought that if our ILs came, we were putting all of the adults at risk, but I thought the kids would be okay. Never would I knowingly put my child at serious risk. And no, I don't compromise on the car seat, I make sure the kids are strapped in before we start driving. And now that we have a baby, DH sits in the front and no longer fiddles with car seat straps while I'm driving.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

They’re not. The only reason we hear about them in the news is that the infant deaths are huge outliers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again. It looks like we have some resolution... DH told me this afternoon that ILs decided not to come at all. Maybe it was more DH's wishful thinking that he could convince them to come. I spoke with my mom this morning, she and my ILs are same generation/same culture and she said "you can tell DH that your ILs can come because no way are they going to." Looks like Mom does know best.

As to the bigger picture of my DH's issues, yes, I'm aware of them, we've been married for 10 years. We were in couples therapy when sheltering in place began. He is 85% okay and 15% WTF crazy, but at least he's willing to go into therapy so hopefully, we can work with the 15% crazy.

Incidentally, I had no idea that infants were at greater risk of covid 19; last I heard was a few weeks ago when they were saying that there were no deaths and only mild symptoms for the under 10 lot. I thought that if our ILs came, we were putting all of the adults at risk, but I thought the kids would be okay. Never would I knowingly put my child at serious risk. And no, I don't compromise on the car seat, I make sure the kids are strapped in before we start driving. And now that we have a baby, DH sits in the front and no longer fiddles with car seat straps while I'm driving.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

They’re not. The only reason we hear about them in the news is that the infant deaths are huge outliers.

I cant believe people are so misinformed! Infants are very vulnerable to Covid-19. That’s why pediatricians are routinely recommending that they gave no visitors for at least 2 months. Respiratory illnesses are often deadly for infants - this virus is no exception.

It’s true that children are not as vulnerable and don’t experience as extreme symptoms. However, there is a big difference between a newborn and the statistics for 10 year old kids you guys keep citing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again. It looks like we have some resolution... DH told me this afternoon that ILs decided not to come at all. Maybe it was more DH's wishful thinking that he could convince them to come. I spoke with my mom this morning, she and my ILs are same generation/same culture and she said "you can tell DH that your ILs can come because no way are they going to." Looks like Mom does know best.

As to the bigger picture of my DH's issues, yes, I'm aware of them, we've been married for 10 years. We were in couples therapy when sheltering in place began. He is 85% okay and 15% WTF crazy, but at least he's willing to go into therapy so hopefully, we can work with the 15% crazy.

Incidentally, I had no idea that infants were at greater risk of covid 19; last I heard was a few weeks ago when they were saying that there were no deaths and only mild symptoms for the under 10 lot. I thought that if our ILs came, we were putting all of the adults at risk, but I thought the kids would be okay. Never would I knowingly put my child at serious risk. And no, I don't compromise on the car seat, I make sure the kids are strapped in before we start driving. And now that we have a baby, DH sits in the front and no longer fiddles with car seat straps while I'm driving.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

Holy moly. How long did that go on. If my DH had done that I would have kicked him to the curb. You cannot trust this man.

[Anonymous]

Infant deaths:


https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/newborn-louisiana-dies-after-mom-covid-19-goes-preterm-labor-n1178211

https://www.foxnews.com/us/chicago-infant-dies-coronavirus-youngest-covid-19-death-illinois

[Anonymous]

There is another solution. You could rent a house near your in-laws after they quarantine for 14 days and then your DH can visit them with perhaps the toddler.