ILs refuse to stop working so DH wants them to move in with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t make parents do things. They don’t lose their rights to autonomy just because we don’t like their decisions. Uncomfortable, but true.

Your parents are legally adults. Let them live their lives and make their own decisions.

[Anonymous]

This makes no sense. There’s no reason his parents can’t do what everyone else is doing and STAY HOME. They’re choosing to work. It’s not up to you to bribe them with access to grandkids to get them to make a reasonable decision. Do you have any friends who are doctors who can talk some sense into your husband? Siblings?

There are so many alternatives to them staying with you. Is it even legal for them to travel to NYC from Virginia?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I agree with most of what everyone is saying here. I think it is CRAZY that DH wants to bring his parents here. His parents might have covid by the time they get here and give it to us. We might be asymptomatic carriers and give it to them. DH says nope, none of us have it As to the newborn, what we last heard is that there were no deaths among infants and a rare case or two of deaths among young children and I think this is reducing DH's concern about our kids getting sick.

Like I said, DH has outlier ideas. He doesn't want our preschooler DD to use a carseat because "none of our parents did" and that "we just need to drive more safely." He actually gets mad at me for waiting until DD is buckled in to start driving and will secretly undo her straps to make her more comfortable.

But aside from having "unusual opinions," I think DH is desperately worried about his parents continuing to work and it's making him think not so rationally.

Stop trying to make your husband sound better by saying he has outlier ideas. He's an idiot. You need to be an advocate for your children's safety since he clearly doesn't care about them. He secretly unbuckles your preschooler's seatbelt while driving!?!? Are you kidding me, he is a dumb ass! Tell him to move in with his parents if he cares more about keeping them safe than you. Also, you will not be responsible if they get sick, but your husband would be responsible for you or your children getting sick if his parents bring the virus with them.

[Anonymous]

I think your DH is delusional that moving to NYC will keep his parents indoors. If they are working now because they don't know what to do with themselves, what are they going to do in a 1500 sq ft apartment in NYC? They'll go out, is what. Then they and you are at risk. Nothing about being in your apartment is going to change the fundamental problem that they have nothing to do outside their work.

Sorry, they are adults. If they choose to keep working, that is on them. My dad owns a small shop in the CA Bay Area (which was a hot spot, although not like NY) and when the stay-home order came, he posted a "closed" sign and stayed home. He's gone in a handful of days to take care of essential things. If he can do it, they can do it.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why, if they are workaholics and small business owners, they are willing to essentially shut down their business and move in with you guys, but not willing to do that, or take any risk mitigation steps if they don't move in with you. Seems like other people are following the logic but I'm not. I guess this would be my line with my husband - "no, they cannot live with us. But what CAN we do to get them to stop working?" If there is one way to get them to stop working (them moving) then there might be others if you can be creative.

Does DH have siblings?

If it's just boredom - can you pay for a "beach vacation" for them (ie, rent them a house on the beach) as, I dunno, a thank you for all their hard work? As a retirement gift? That'd be a lot safer than running a grocery store. Could they do you a "favor" by housesitting for a friend? I'm just spitballing here. But if they are open to shutting their business, you just need to fine another way to get them to do that.

I'm just saying, make sure you leave no stone unturned here on other options.

But - I agree if you hit a wall, it's time for marriage counseling, a trial separation, and insisting the kids stay with you until the grandparents have either left or have been on full lockdown for 2 weeks (which I doubt will happen, I'm sure they'll still be out and about).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I agree with most of what everyone is saying here. I think it is CRAZY that DH wants to bring his parents here. His parents might have covid by the time they get here and give it to us. We might be asymptomatic carriers and give it to them. DH says nope, none of us have it As to the newborn, what we last heard is that there were no deaths among infants and a rare case or two of deaths among young children and I think this is reducing DH's concern about our kids getting sick.

Like I said, DH has outlier ideas. He doesn't want our preschooler DD to use a carseat because "none of our parents did" and that "we just need to drive more safely." He actually gets mad at me for waiting until DD is buckled in to start driving and will secretly undo her straps to make her more comfortable.

But aside from having "unusual opinions," I think DH is desperately worried about his parents continuing to work and it's making him think not so rationally.

Divorce him. Seriously. He's not only a moron, but a deceitful one who undermines you on basic safety things. That's a deal breaker.

The fact divorce would solve the in-law thing is nice, but not the real issue here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I agree with most of what everyone is saying here. I think it is CRAZY that DH wants to bring his parents here. His parents might have covid by the time they get here and give it to us. We might be asymptomatic carriers and give it to them. DH says nope, none of us have it As to the newborn, what we last heard is that there were no deaths among infants and a rare case or two of deaths among young children and I think this is reducing DH's concern about our kids getting sick.

Like I said, DH has outlier ideas. He doesn't want our preschooler DD to use a carseat because "none of our parents did" and that "we just need to drive more safely." He actually gets mad at me for waiting until DD is buckled in to start driving and will secretly undo her straps to make her more comfortable.

But aside from having "unusual opinions," I think DH is desperately worried about his parents continuing to work and it's making him think not so rationally.

Divorce him. Seriously. He's not only a moron, but a deceitful one who undermines you on basic safety things. That's a deal breaker.

The fact divorce would solve the in-law thing is nice, but not the real issue here.

I agree. He does not have a “unusual” ideas; he is reckless and irresponsible.

[Anonymous]

This is an awful idea. He’s going to either a) kill his parents, b) kill his baby, c) ruin the relationship between his wife and his parents, or d) ruin his marriage. Or all of these things. Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Remember what the airlines say- put oxygen on yoursel, then your kids You cannot help the ULs if you don’t take care of yourself first. Nonnegotiable- they don’t come live with you (1) May infect family. Not enough space. (2) options for them are rental away from grocery. (3) Grocery but no people in store. Orders by phone and put in boxes outside (4) Duplex long term rental. You meet them there after 2 weeks in quarantine. Need to say current option is a no go so you can come up with other acceptable ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I agree with most of what everyone is saying here. I think it is CRAZY that DH wants to bring his parents here. His parents might have covid by the time they get here and give it to us. We might be asymptomatic carriers and give it to them. DH says nope, none of us have it As to the newborn, what we last heard is that there were no deaths among infants and a rare case or two of deaths among young children and I think this is reducing DH's concern about our kids getting sick.

Like I said, DH has outlier ideas. He doesn't want our preschooler DD to use a carseat because "none of our parents did" and that "we just need to drive more safely." He actually gets mad at me for waiting until DD is buckled in to start driving and will secretly undo her straps to make her more comfortable.

But aside from having "unusual opinions," I think DH is desperately worried about his parents continuing to work and it's making him think not so rationally.

Sorry you married a jackass. My God.

Here's the short-term solution since it sounds like you could afford another apartment - you move with the kids and he stays with his parents in your apartment. Dig in your heels.

The solution for the long-term is obvious.

[Anonymous]

1. You call his parents and tell them that they are exposed and cannot come to live with you. It does not matter if they get angry.

2. You tell your husband NO. Period. It does not matter if he gets angry.

3. You start thinking about divorce because your husband will not change and might get worse with age.

4. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’ve had to put my foot down with my husband before. I know how ugly it can get. But this IS a hill to die on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your DH is delusional that moving to NYC will keep his parents indoors. If they are working now because they don't know what to do with themselves, what are they going to do in a 1500 sq ft apartment in NYC? They'll go out, is what. Then they and you are at risk. Nothing about being in your apartment is going to change the fundamental problem that they have nothing to do outside their work.

Sorry, they are adults. If they choose to keep working, that is on them. My dad owns a small shop in the CA Bay Area (which was a hot spot, although not like NY) and when the stay-home order came, he posted a "closed" sign and stayed home. He's gone in a handful of days to take care of essential things. If he can do it, they can do it.

This. That is wishful thinking. And it’s so much more dangerous for them to be out in NYC than anywhere in Virginia. My sister lives just outside the city, I can’t even imagine sending someone who’s part of a vulnerable population up there.

[Anonymous]

Your husband unbuckled your child’s seatbelt?

Why, exactly, haven’t you called the police on him and told him he would never see his kids again if he continued?

You should go far, far away from this mentally ill person, and do your job as a parent, which is to protect your kids. The apple does not fall far from the tree: he’s crazy because his parents are crazy.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your DH is being so unreasonable I'm sure none of the following are much help but:

1) If your parents in law get sick because they refuse to stay home this absolutely is not YOUR fault.
2) Scheduling a Telehealth call with pediatrician and your husband is a good idea if you can anticipate your pediatrician will recommend taking precautions around newborn. Newborns are vulnerable- not sure why your DH is brushing off concerns. Even if a baby does not die from COVID it might become really sick and we don't understand all the long term health implications. My pediatrician has recommended no visitors for the first 3-6 months amid current context.
3) I know your DH does not seem into compromise but I think you could really put your foot down about grandparents needing to quarantine before coming. This is a very reasonable request. I suppose the issue is that they might not follow it. This would not be fair on you but if the grandparents do come, is there a place you could go with newborn for two weeks while the rest of family quarantines in your apartment?
4) Have you guys ever done couples therapy? Could you have a conversation about this that is virtually moderated by a couples therapist?

I'm so sorry you have to go through this right now. It sounds very difficult and hurtful. I'm also concerned about your DH's attitude generally towards the safety of your children.

[Anonymous]

The 4 month old baby of a New York firefighter just died of covid. It was on abc news.