guidance and tips for w staying w spouse after finding out about series of EAs and PAs

[Anonymous]

Am struggling with trust and intrusive thoughts of spouse's choices and actions--esp spouse's physical consummation--with other people.

(Am seeing therapist. Spouse is going to see therapist. Spouse wants to stay 'together'. Spouse says did not think ever would have told me. I found out 100% by accident. Spouse has since shared some--spouse insists all--social media accounts. Every reveal from spouse since has been forced bcs spouse 'forgot' to mention or proactively tell me about A, B, C or that x, y, z happened. Therapist insists I need to admit to myself that I am still in 'open-marriage' even if spouse insists otherwise. Therapist also insists I think about what I want, irrespective of spouse. I am not ready to walk away from marriage w my spouse. Am not withholding sex or tears or questions and have not asked spouse to move out. We have two younger-teen kids.)

Thank you in advance

[Anonymous]

I would have him move out or to another room and if he would commit to a year of individual therapy I would let him move back in and start marriage therapy.

He has no reason to change.

[Anonymous]

Your therapist is right you have to get real.
You're still living in a fantasy that this is something you can fix.

At a minimum spouse needs to move out and prove having changed.

Otherwise you may as well forget about it and let spouse cheat in peace.

Oh I hope you have been tested and get tested regularly.

[Anonymous]

You've got a realistic counselor. Your spouse isn't cooperating and you're likely in open marriage. Why stay at this point? What will your marriage look like in the future when there's no trust?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have him move out or to another room and if he would commit to a year of individual therapy I would let him move back in and start marriage therapy.

He has no reason to change.

Why do you assume the OP is a woman. My money is that the OP is a man.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all.

Thinking on 'fantasy' and 'not something I can fix' a lot. I don't know how to fully grasp full scope of what spouse has done, nor why, and intellectually recognize that I cannot fully grasp full scope bcs I don't know full scope, and never will. Majority of spouse's words and actions are lost to chat apps and secret time spent with other people. Emotionally though, some part of me is not letting me move on without a reckoning, which is probably why I'm having intrusive thoughts at the beginning of intimate moments and throughout the day during regular happenings too. The number of triggers every day are astonishing, and also not astonishing; my entire knowing and understanding of my life and my marriage is changing, like pennies and spare coins filtering through a counting machine.

Got std blood panel testing within week of learning; that experience was totally surreal. Never, ever thought I would need to say yes to that option, let alone request it. My body exhibits physical evidence transmitted from of at least one of the PAs.

Thought about asking spouse to move out, but also think spouse then will see other people, eventually--in sharp contrast with spouse's statements about wanting to stay together and work things out w me--am trying to wrap my head around these disconnected realities. Feel like I should be prepared that spouse is gone forever ('gone for good'?) if spouse moves out. Think it is important to not set up false tests of loyalty. What could spouse prove to me?--that the EAs and PAs never happened?--that's all I really want and that's not possible. So only option is to work through all of my uncertainty and see if I can live with spouse now. Spouse, from info available, undoubtedly wanted and organized and hid cheating, to keep personal public piece (me) in (my) place.

Past reality circles back to present reality that I can't changes things that happened in past, and that betrayal is not about me, and that I should focus on what I want, right? I want to move forward without guilt and want to be able to say I tried to let go of my doubts. I don't know whether I can let go of my doubts and lack of trust in spouse. Self-managing intrusive thoughts seems like a reasonable starting place.

Will read the parallel thread re 'how's separation going'.

Continue to welcome guidance re situation and any helpful tips or strategies on how to move past the intrusive thoughts about EAs and PAs while living with spouse.

[Anonymous]

I think you get rid of the spouse and perhaps somewhere in that process your spouse realizes they want to be with you and then you can explore reconciliation if you want. But it's like you're in a fog where you think you have the power to make this work. Your subconscious keeps reminding you of the situation because it knows you're in a bad situation. Your conscious mind doesn't want to acknowledge that.

[Anonymous]

You don’t.

[Anonymous]

I would get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP this is a trauma. I am so sorry. You will be ok over time. Just start by understanding something profoundly painful and life altering has happened. You need time, therapy and support. Stay in treatment, read about how other people have come through it and give yourself space and kindness, day by day, to feel all of it. The first year is the hardest. I have nothing to say about your partner. To live such a double life suggests he has profound issues. I cannot know. Take care of you. You will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Repeat to yourself: I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it. I can’t cure it.

Then do nothing. Focus on yourself and what you need. Not them and what they want, will give, can do. Just be with this, meditate or whatever helps you get in touch with your intuition. There are a lot of stories you’re telling yourself right now, but they won’t help you.

Think about this question: if nothing changes, what can you live with, and what do you want to live with? You’ll know what to do. When you do know, act and don’t look back.

[Anonymous]

Agree with previous poster. Your decision uktimately, to stay or go will ideally be intuitive. You will know at some point. You may not know yet and that is ok.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. It sounds like you’re doing as much as you can to solve this but this isn’t your problem to solve. Your partner needs to be willing to do the work and that starts with remorse and full disclosure. It doesn’t appear that your spouse is remorseful and is still lying to you. In this case you are never going to be secure and stable in your relationship. Your therapist is absolutely correct, you need to decide what you want.

As far as I can see you have two choices- you can stay in your open marriage, institute use of condoms and regular STD testing if you choose to continue having an intimidate relationship with your spouse and live whatever life that path leads you down. Or you can decide that you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you exclusively, who you can’t trust, who lies to you and, frankly, who is setting a horrible example for your kids as to what a healthy adult relationship looks like. Only you can make that decision. You may want to meander over to survivinginfidelity.com for some additional resources.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry. At this point, your spouse needs to SHOW he/she wants the marriage, not just say it. What is your spouse going to try and heal you? Don’t do the pick me dance. You can’t “nice” your spouse back. You need to do a 180 yo give yourself space to figure out what you want. You should have a lust of things required of your spouse, starting with full disclosure, complete transparency with social media/devices, etc. Frankly, unless your spouse shows remorse, there is not a lot up work with. Go to survivinginfidelity.com, there are a lot of good ideas there for you and for what you should expect of your spouse.

[Anonymous]

^ list of things, not lust!