guidance and tips for w staying w spouse after finding out about series of EAs and PAs

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I haven’t been in your situation but have been in relationships that I wanted to work out so badly that I ignored all the signs that the person wasn’t into me at all.

The person keeps saying things you want to hear, but their actions are completely incongruous with their words.

I am someone who was emotionally neglected as a child but only understood this as an adult how messed up my childhood was. I was shamed and taught that I didn’t deserve better than I was getting.

This did affect my choice of partners - I have had to firmly ignore the words and look at the actions, and stop questioning what I believed, while partner said contradictory statements (I really want to be with you (but I can’t leave my wife)) (my wife is cold towards me (but we’ve bought each other $1000 Christmas gifts)) (I’ve separated from my wife (but we’re living together for financial reasons)).

The hard and painful truth is that your spouse isn’t into you anymore. The marriage you want is over. Your spouse is staying because of security - not because he or she loves you the way you deserve to be loved.

The only way to get through the fog is to get some distance. Believe the actions, not the words.

((HUGS, OP.))

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry. I've gone through a similar situation, and I'm probably two months ahead of you in my reaction. In my case, DH cheated with men. He claims he's not gay or bi, and because it was so completely not the DH I knew, I had all the same cognitive dissonance that you describe. I thought somehow this person would have an explanation that would make it all make sense, because he loves me, right? But wait, this person just gave me an STD, so he obviously doesn't love me, right? Back and forth, back and forth in my brain. Eventually you will realize he has already made the choice to end your marriage, by his actions. There's no choice for you to make, unfortunately. All you can do is accept that what you had is over. And it's brutal and you will grieve, but you will get through it.

I think you posted about this before. I'm really sorry for you and for OP. Hugs to you both - you both deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all.

Thinking on 'fantasy' and 'not something I can fix' a lot. I don't know how to fully grasp full scope of what spouse has done, nor why, and intellectually recognize that I cannot fully grasp full scope bcs I don't know full scope, and never will. Majority of spouse's words and actions are lost to chat apps and secret time spent with other people. Emotionally though, some part of me is not letting me move on without a reckoning, which is probably why I'm having intrusive thoughts at the beginning of intimate moments and throughout the day during regular happenings too. The number of triggers every day are astonishing, and also not astonishing; my entire knowing and understanding of my life and my marriage is changing, like pennies and spare coins filtering through a counting machine.

Got std blood panel testing within week of learning; that experience was totally surreal. Never, ever thought I would need to say yes to that option, let alone request it. My body exhibits physical evidence transmitted from of at least one of the PAs.

Thought about asking spouse to move out, but also think spouse then will see other people, eventually--in sharp contrast with spouse's statements about wanting to stay together and work things out w me--am trying to wrap my head around these disconnected realities. Feel like I should be prepared that spouse is gone forever ('gone for good'?) if spouse moves out. Think it is important to not set up false tests of loyalty. What could spouse prove to me?--that the EAs and PAs never happened?--that's all I really want and that's not possible. So only option is to work through all of my uncertainty and see if I can live with spouse now. Spouse, from info available, undoubtedly wanted and organized and hid cheating, to keep personal public piece (me) in (my) place.

Past reality circles back to present reality that I can't changes things that happened in past, and that betrayal is not about me, and that I should focus on what I want, right? I want to move forward without guilt and want to be able to say I tried to let go of my doubts. I don't know whether I can let go of my doubts and lack of trust in spouse. Self-managing intrusive thoughts seems like a reasonable starting place.

Will read the parallel thread re 'how's separation going'.

Continue to welcome guidance re situation and any helpful tips or strategies on how to move past the intrusive thoughts about EAs and PAs while living with spouse.

What on earth does this mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you’re going through this. I haven’t been in your situation but have been in relationships that I wanted to work out so badly that I ignored all the signs that the person wasn’t into me at all.

The person keeps saying things you want to hear, but their actions are completely incongruous with their words.

I am someone who was emotionally neglected as a child but only understood this as an adult how messed up my childhood was. I was shamed and taught that I didn’t deserve better than I was getting.

This did affect my choice of partners - I have had to firmly ignore the words and look at the actions, and stop questioning what I believed, while partner said contradictory statements (I really want to be with you (but I can’t leave my wife)) (my wife is cold towards me (but we’ve bought each other $1000 Christmas gifts)) (I’ve separated from my wife (but we’re living together for financial reasons)).

The hard and painful truth is that your spouse isn’t into you anymore. The marriage you want is over. Your spouse is staying because of security - not because he or she loves you the way you deserve to be loved.

The only way to get through the fog is to get some distance. Believe the actions, not the words.

((HUGS, OP.))

Wait, you're someone who was involved with a married man and come onto a thread where OP has been betrayed by her husband? To compare your situations? OMFG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you’re going through this. I haven’t been in your situation but have been in relationships that I wanted to work out so badly that I ignored all the signs that the person wasn’t into me at all.

The person keeps saying things you want to hear, but their actions are completely incongruous with their words.

I am someone who was emotionally neglected as a child but only understood this as an adult how messed up my childhood was. I was shamed and taught that I didn’t deserve better than I was getting.

This did affect my choice of partners - I have had to firmly ignore the words and look at the actions, and stop questioning what I believed, while partner said contradictory statements (I really want to be with you (but I can’t leave my wife)) (my wife is cold towards me (but we’ve bought each other $1000 Christmas gifts)) (I’ve separated from my wife (but we’re living together for financial reasons)).

The hard and painful truth is that your spouse isn’t into you anymore. The marriage you want is over. Your spouse is staying because of security - not because he or she loves you the way you deserve to be loved.

The only way to get through the fog is to get some distance. Believe the actions, not the words.

Your writing is confusing. Are you the other women?

You’re delusional if you believe anything he tells you. If we follow your own logic, he loves his wife because he chose to stay with her, that’s the action he took, that makes you the one he didn’t want to be with.



((HUGS, OP.))

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you’re going through this. I haven’t been in your situation but have been in relationships that I wanted to work out so badly that I ignored all the signs that the person wasn’t into me at all.

The person keeps saying things you want to hear, but their actions are completely incongruous with their words.

I am someone who was emotionally neglected as a child but only understood this as an adult how messed up my childhood was. I was shamed and taught that I didn’t deserve better than I was getting.

This did affect my choice of partners - I have had to firmly ignore the words and look at the actions, and stop questioning what I believed, while partner said contradictory statements (I really want to be with you (but I can’t leave my wife)) (my wife is cold towards me (but we’ve bought each other $1000 Christmas gifts)) (I’ve separated from my wife (but we’re living together for financial reasons)).

The hard and painful truth is that your spouse isn’t into you anymore. The marriage you want is over. Your spouse is staying because of security - not because he or she loves you the way you deserve to be loved.

The only way to get through the fog is to get some distance. Believe the actions, not the words.

((HUGS, OP.))

Wait, you're someone who was involved with a married man and come onto a thread where OP has been betrayed by her husband? To compare your situations? OMFG.

I know right? There’s cognitive dissonance there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all.

Thinking on 'fantasy' and 'not something I can fix' a lot. I don't know how to fully grasp full scope of what spouse has done, nor why, and intellectually recognize that I cannot fully grasp full scope bcs I don't know full scope, and never will. Majority of spouse's words and actions are lost to chat apps and secret time spent with other people. Emotionally though, some part of me is not letting me move on without a reckoning, which is probably why I'm having intrusive thoughts at the beginning of intimate moments and throughout the day during regular happenings too. The number of triggers every day are astonishing, and also not astonishing; my entire knowing and understanding of my life and my marriage is changing, like pennies and spare coins filtering through a counting machine.

Got std blood panel testing within week of learning; that experience was totally surreal. Never, ever thought I would need to say yes to that option, let alone request it. My body exhibits physical evidence transmitted from of at least one of the PAs.

Thought about asking spouse to move out, but also think spouse then will see other people, eventually--in sharp contrast with spouse's statements about wanting to stay together and work things out w me--am trying to wrap my head around these disconnected realities. Feel like I should be prepared that spouse is gone forever ('gone for good'?) if spouse moves out. Think it is important to not set up false tests of loyalty. What could spouse prove to me?--that the EAs and PAs never happened?--that's all I really want and that's not possible. So only option is to work through all of my uncertainty and see if I can live with spouse now. Spouse, from info available, undoubtedly wanted and organized and hid cheating, to keep personal public piece (me) in (my) place.

Past reality circles back to present reality that I can't changes things that happened in past, and that betrayal is not about me, and that I should focus on what I want, right? I want to move forward without guilt and want to be able to say I tried to let go of my doubts. I don't know whether I can let go of my doubts and lack of trust in spouse. Self-managing intrusive thoughts seems like a reasonable starting place.

Will read the parallel thread re 'how's separation going'.

Continue to welcome guidance re situation and any helpful tips or strategies on how to move past the intrusive thoughts about EAs and PAs while living with spouse.

What on earth does this mean?

NP - s/he has an STD.