Reply to guidance and tips for w staying w spouse after finding out about series of EAs and PAs

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[quote=Anonymous]OP here.  Thank you all.

Thinking on 'fantasy' and 'not something I can fix' a lot. I don't know how to fully grasp full scope of what spouse has done, nor why, and intellectually recognize that I cannot fully grasp full scope bcs I don't know full scope, and never will.  Majority of spouse's words and actions are lost to chat apps and secret time spent with other people.  Emotionally though, some part of me is not letting me move on without a reckoning, which is probably why I'm having intrusive thoughts at the beginning of intimate moments and throughout the day during regular happenings too.  The number of triggers every day are astonishing, and also not astonishing; my entire knowing and understanding of my life and my marriage is changing, like pennies and spare coins filtering through a counting machine.

Got std blood panel testing within week of learning; that experience was totally surreal.  Never, ever thought I would need to say yes to that option, let alone request it.  My body exhibits physical evidence transmitted from of at least one of the PAs.

Thought about asking spouse to move out, but also think spouse then will see other people, eventually--in sharp contrast with spouse's statements about wanting to stay together and work things out w me--am trying to wrap my head around these disconnected realities. Feel like I should be prepared that spouse is gone forever ('gone for good'?) if spouse moves out.  Think it is important to not set up false tests of loyalty.  What could spouse prove to me?--that the EAs and PAs never happened?--that's all I really want and that's not possible.  So only option is to work through all of my uncertainty and see if I can live with spouse now.  Spouse, from info available, undoubtedly wanted and organized and hid cheating, to keep personal public piece (me) in (my) place.

Past reality circles back to present reality that I can't changes things that happened in past, and that betrayal is not about me, and that I should focus on what I want, right?  I want to move forward without guilt and want to be able to say I tried to let go of my doubts.  I don't know whether I can let go of my doubts and lack of trust in spouse.  Self-managing intrusive thoughts seems like a reasonable starting place.

Will read the parallel thread re 'how's separation going'.

Continue to welcome guidance re situation and any helpful tips or strategies on how to move past the intrusive thoughts about EAs and PAs while living with spouse.[/quote]

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