guidance and tips for w staying w spouse after finding out about series of EAs and PAs

[Anonymous]

I have friends where this happened, spouse found out by accident, cheater was in denial for quite awhile but eventually came out of it, affair (with a coworker) lasted over 5 years and was very passionate and intense, spouse was determined not to lose the marriage, kids were elementary age.

That was 20+ years ago, they are very happily still married.

Oh, and BTW, cheater was the wife.

[Anonymous]

^^Oh and also BTW, I can't give you tips cuz I don't know how they did it. Other than spouse was determined not to give up.

[Anonymous]

You will never get past this. Your spouse wants to “stay together” to save face. Frankly, I would just declare it over now and let spouse fight for it if he/she wants, but primarily work on cutting your losses.

[Anonymous]

You won't. You'll never trust them. Spouse will continue because they know you'll put up with it.

They may stop when spouse is too old or to sick to cheat and then you and your kids will be stuck with a person who acts like a jerk all day long. But you can pretend to your friends everything is awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have him move out or to another room and if he would commit to a year of individual therapy I would let him move back in and start marriage therapy.

He has no reason to change.

Why do you assume the OP is a woman. My money is that the OP is a man.

Agreed. Your spouse is doing nothing to show you they care. Saying things in therapy isn’t making the effort to fix the Broken trust and she knows you are a doormat. If you are happy being in an open marriage this can work out for you. Otherwise you are spinning your wheels

[Anonymous]

This is an unbelievable trauma and you will not get past it in the circumstances you describe.

Having been where you are, I honestly can't believe you are attempting to have "intimate moments" except via dissociating (consciously or otherwise)--it's just too much.

I was cheated on by a spouse hell-bent on satisfying a death drive. The bottom was just above the grave. It took a solid two years after absolutely every bit of extraneous marriage-undermining bullshit activity had stopped, plus therapy and a postnup, for me to be able to start having sex without the intrusive thoughts you are describing.

Mine has extraordinary redeeming qualities as a partner for me. But when I was being put through that, it was emotional abuse, and you're being emotionally abused also. Unless your spouse is truly exceptional for you (not in the abstract--FOR YOU), get the hell out and don't look back.

[Anonymous]

One of the key parts of reconciling after an affair is remorse. If your spouse is still lying and not being upfront about any and everything and feeling remorse (not regret for being found out, but true remorse) then your marriage will always be a fantasy. To me, it doesn't sound like it's worth salvaging. If loyalty and commitment are important to you and you're not interested in an open marriage, I'd be looking for a divorce.

[Anonymous]

I’m currently divorcing because my husband is a serial cheater. I found out 6 years ago, by accident of an affair. I stayed, thought we worked through it.

I was wrong. He just got better at hiding. Shit got real this summer when I discovered he was having numerous affairs with women in places he traveled to for work frequently.

Maybe your H will be better than mine was and commit to giving up the excitement of the lies. 100% why my exH did it, he was addicted to the excitement of keeping his house of cards from collapsing.

[Anonymous]

Cheater here.

Believe the people who say your spouse isn't every going to be trustworthy. Maybe with Another partner, but not with you.

[Anonymous]

It is idiotic to stay with this person. Point blank period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry. At this point, your spouse needs to SHOW he/she wants the marriage, not just say it. What is your spouse going to try and heal you? Don’t do the pick me dance. You can’t “nice” your spouse back. You need to do a 180 yo give yourself space to figure out what you want. You should have a lust of things required of your spouse, starting with full disclosure, complete transparency with social media/devices, etc. Frankly, unless your spouse shows remorse, there is not a lot up work with. Go to survivinginfidelity.com, there are a lot of good ideas there for you and for what you should expect of your spouse.

RUN ! Why are staying with She/he when they have shown you they don’t want you.

They are telling you how they feel with their actions

[Anonymous]

Look, you experienced a huge trauma and shellshock and its natural in some way to not want anymore change. There's a tendency for 'hysterical bonding' to try to repair the damage, but you are just sweeping it under the rug. There's a tendency for the spouse who has been cheating to swear to do everythign to repair the marriage because they dont want to deal with shame, guilt or other fallout, but that's also a knee jerk reaction. They can't actually commit to that because they dont even know if they are capable. They can only commit to radical honesty as a first step.

You cannot get past this by staying intimate and you need to have your own therapist, plus spouse does as well. You also need radical honesty and transparency and I dont think you're getting it. You might benefit from chumplady or from the website surviving infidelity to understand your reactions.

But right now, you are married to a serial cheater and liar and its really not about you. There's nothing you can or can't do to change that person's behavior. You didnt cause the affairs and you wont be the reason for ending them, either (i mean, its possible in an abstract way but what you *do* and *say* right now is not going to keep the person in the marriage). but you do have control over yourself and your actions.

[Anonymous]

This is over and you deserve better. The sooner you see that and gain some self esteem your life will be so much better,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheater here.

Believe the people who say your spouse isn't every going to be trustworthy. Maybe with Another partner, but not with you.

Just curious: why would you think you could be trustworthy in another relationship? When you go through tough times in the new relationship, what will prevent you from cheating?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry. I've gone through a similar situation, and I'm probably two months ahead of you in my reaction. In my case, DH cheated with men. He claims he's not gay or bi, and because it was so completely not the DH I knew, I had all the same cognitive dissonance that you describe. I thought somehow this person would have an explanation that would make it all make sense, because he loves me, right? But wait, this person just gave me an STD, so he obviously doesn't love me, right? Back and forth, back and forth in my brain. Eventually you will realize he has already made the choice to end your marriage, by his actions. There's no choice for you to make, unfortunately. All you can do is accept that what you had is over. And it's brutal and you will grieve, but you will get through it.