Help me with the mechanics of leaving my explosive/verbally abusive spouse

[Anonymous]

We've arrived at a place where even the simplest interaction leads to a blowup and him blaming me for everything that is wrong in our marriage. I'm happy to accept the blame that is due but it is clear to me that he has no intention of trying to moderate his behavior and he is damaging my mental health and that of the children (despite me begging him to stop yelling in front of the kids)

This is going to have a big negative impact on our kids. I feel liked I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't but I think it's time to set some boundaries and establish normalcy in our day to day lives.

So, how do I do it? We have a joint account but I really don't access it. I use the $ from my paycheck to pay certain household bills. He makes 2x what I do. We currently have a lot of cash (300K) n the bank. The house has about 600K in equity on a 1m house. I do not have a lot of cash in my own account because I spend it down each month on bills and day to day expenses. He views the joint money as "his money" so if I access it in order to leave he will react strongly.

Should I - save up and rent an apartment and then tell him? I want to take the kids with me at first to keep them away from any outbursts/anger and while I have every intention of sharing custody but I can't imagine he is going to want 50/50. I stayed home for a few years and even though I'm now back at work full-time, I am responsible for 95% of child-related responsibilities and he really bristles when faced with parenting duties and obligations.

Back to the "his money" thing. I'd like to make a deal that means I take less $ in exchange for more time with the kids and to keep a lid on the whole situation. I can't see a way to avoid an expensive, high-conflict divorce unless I give something up- he'll fight for the sake of fighting. I'd really like to take my share of our assets and keep the house but I think he'll feel like it's "his house" and he'll want to win by forcing a sale.

I am going to photograph all of our financial documents this week to have a record. What else do I need to do in order to be smart about this whole situation? Any Maryland lawyer recs appreciated - especially people who might be used to dealing with this type of person.

[Anonymous]

Go in fighting for everything so you get half. Don’t go in fighting for less than half because it will go down from there. It’s not “his” and “your” money. That’s the beaten down wife talking. Get a lawyer before you make ANY decisions, especially on compromise.

And you can’t buy time with your kids if he doesn’t want to sell so don’t try.

[Anonymous]

Get a lawyer consult and figure out what is needed for divorce. It'll set you back several hundred bucks, but it'll give you the solid info you need. Then proceed exactly as you have been - stealthily. Photocopy everything.

I do think you should rent an apartment so you have someplace to go, and get it all furnished, etc. Then you can leave him with a solid plan in place. Appear accommodating in whatever note you leave/send him - I am leaving you and filing for divorce. The kids are with me, I propose a temporary custody arrangement of XX.

I would take half the money from the joint account, too, and put it in an account just in your name. So that's your cushion, or possibly a bargaining chip.

Decide what matters most to you and work toward that final solution. Draw up a custody plan, an separation agreement, etc (on the advice of a lawyer) and leave those for him.

Remember - you said he is explosive - the most dangerous time for a woman is in leaving the spouse. So go about this in a way that protects you, line up all your ducks, then hit him with it all at once. Be vigilant about safety for the first few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Lawyer first
Smart to take photos
Create a leaving plan with Lawyer.
Do not ask for less in exchange for anything. He won’t work with you.

If he’s as volatile as you are suggesting be careful not to give him any hints you are thinking of leaving.

Why do you never access the joint account?

Buy a bunch of prepaid Visa cards or any prepaid cards. This way if you need to leave but he cuts off credit cards you have some and he can not track you either. Some people buy these at every store they shop in $25 one place $25 another. You get the idea.

Take photos of car registrations as well. If you have passports for you and your kids make copies . Sounds odd to do this but many people use important papers as tactics to be annoying.

I’m sorry this is happening. Stay strong!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lawyer first
Smart to take photos
Create a leaving plan with Lawyer.
Do not ask for less in exchange for anything. He won’t work with you.

If he’s as volatile as you are suggesting be careful not to give him any hints you are thinking of leaving.

Why do you never access the joint account?

Buy a bunch of prepaid Visa cards or any prepaid cards. This way if you need to leave but he cuts off credit cards you have some and he can not track you either. Some people buy these at every store they shop in $25 one place $25 another. You get the idea.

Take photos of car registrations as well. If you have passports for you and your kids make copies . Sounds odd to do this but many people use important papers as tactics to be annoying.

I’m sorry this is happening. Stay strong!

Thanks - this is so helpful and yes, I'm totally beaten down. I just want out. I don't access the joint account because he has always wanted some separation between the big bills and savings and the day to day expenses. He didn't want a lot of little debits on the main account for security reasons - def a control issue on his part but he is a good saver and I am more of a spender so it's worked.

[Anonymous]

Yes you get half of any income earned by both of you. They look 3-5 years back and if he goes on a vendetta Spending spree that is his half.

[Anonymous]

hard to believe people "fall in love" get married, produce kids and then "fall out of love" to a point they hate each other, screw around, and then don't give a rat's a## about the welfare of the person whom they once "loved". The American culture is the most selfish one on the planet! Sad....but true.

[Anonymous]

get the lawyer consult mentioned above. It's critical. I'm just assuming you are in the DMV area. The divorce laws vary by state and jurisdiction. You may be advised to move to an apartment in an adjacent state. Or told to stay put and force DH out. In any event, divorce lawyer first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:hard to believe people "fall in love" get married, produce kids and then "fall out of love" to a point they hate each other, screw around, and then don't give a rat's a## about the welfare of the person whom they once "loved". The American culture is the most selfish one on the planet! Sad....but true.

Are you perfect?

The OP asked for help. So help or don't post obnoxious crap. You have no idea what others are going through. Empathy much?

[Anonymous]

Scrape together enough for a one hour consult with a lawyer and ask her.

[Anonymous]

9:44 gave excellent advice.

I just wanted to say that I think you're being brave and smart about this OP. I'm so sorry you're in this position.

Also, FWIW, this will have a significant impact on your kids but it may not be as negative as you imagine - they are certainly aware of the dynamics you're describing and it's possible there will be relief in escape for them. It's also possible they are worrying about you and not having to do that (whether or not it's fully conscious) is a burden off them. Don't underestimate your kids, either in their awareness or their resilience.

And if you are going to be the best mother you can be then you need to be safe. Period. Taking care of and protecting yourself IS protecting your kids.

Good luck. Take your time and be careful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hard to believe people "fall in love" get married, produce kids and then "fall out of love" to a point they hate each other, screw around, and then don't give a rat's a## about the welfare of the person whom they once "loved". The American culture is the most selfish one on the planet! Sad....but true.

Are you perfect?

The OP asked for help. So help or don't post obnoxious crap. You have no idea what others are going through. Empathy much?

Not very sensitive nor good advice, but PP is 100% ON.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hard to believe people "fall in love" get married, produce kids and then "fall out of love" to a point they hate each other, screw around, and then don't give a rat's a## about the welfare of the person whom they once "loved". The American culture is the most selfish one on the planet! Sad....but true.

Are you perfect?

The OP asked for help. So help or don't post obnoxious crap. You have no idea what others are going through. Empathy much?

Neither I nor spouse are perfect but we do respect and love each other, including our children. Married close to 30 years now. Sometimes the best advice you can offer is brutal honesty that forces one for an internal examination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hard to believe people "fall in love" get married, produce kids and then "fall out of love" to a point they hate each other, screw around, and then don't give a rat's a## about the welfare of the person whom they once "loved". The American culture is the most selfish one on the planet! Sad....but true.

Are you perfect?

The OP asked for help. So help or don't post obnoxious crap. You have no idea what others are going through. Empathy much?

Neither I nor spouse are perfect but we do respect and love each other, including our children. Married close to 30 years now. Sometimes the best advice you can offer is brutal honesty that forces one for an internal examination.

Unless you have been there, please shut up.

My father was an explosive jerk and when my parents divorced it was the best thing that happened for my siblings and I.

Unless you have lived with an abusive spouse or parent, then you will not understand.

Now shoo.

[Anonymous]

Please get advice from a center that works with people who have abusive partners. Danger can increase when you’re leaving, and I think it’s important to get professional help.