Help me with the mechanics of leaving my explosive/verbally abusive spouse
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Anonymous
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Call the battered woman shelter. They should also have
some suggestions for you. Can you shove some one time bills (maybe heating) and pay them out of the big account so you have move discretionary money in the little account? (Even if he reacts strongly) 50% of all assets and debts are yours. Start buying the 25.00 visa gift cards so you have some extra cash on hand. You have assets so you definitely need 1 legal consult to find out best way to withdraw from the big account. Lawyer may tell you to move out and withdraw half of the big account same day but I'd have a lawyer tell you that. So you pay all of the day to day bills and husband banks his paycheck in joint account which he thinks is his. Yea right. IT IS HALF YOURS AND DON'T TAKE LESS THAN HALF. Be aware the moving out part can be very volatile. Husband sounds like a control freak. Likely husband will be unpredictable with divorce. Due to husbands volatility he may go for 50% custody. Also due to husbands volatility what he thinks about the house is unpredictable. Any personal items that have sentimental meaning to you start removing from the house and store them at your parents, a friends, or get a rental unit in your name. It is doubtful he will miss the small stuff being moved out. Find out if the lawyers offer a free one time consult? Your divorce will probably cost a lot in legal fees (due to volatility) so make sure you ask each lawyer you interview what their legal fees are. Anything breaks down in the meantime....frig, washer and dryer, heater etc you spend money out of the big account so you can keep pulling money out of the small account. How is your credit? Do you have joint credit cards? Do you have any old credit cards in your name from pre marriage that are still active? Find out how much credit is on credit cards in your name only. |
Anonymous
| While you can take the kids - so can he. Until you have a custody arrangement in place, he can go pick the kids up at school or take them as well. |
Anonymous
Above is a smart and safe plan. If he is volatile I'd tell him by note you leave him or by text. I would not tell him in person. Women get killed that way. |
Anonymous
Wonder if Op should call 911 to have a record of the screaming. Remember, he gets visitation 
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Anonymous
| OP I want to reiterate the advice from others that you need to start by asking for way more. With this personality type he will need to feel like he beat you down and “won,” so if you start by asking for less money and primary custody he will fight for 50/50 custody and the bare minimum on money. You need to start by asking for full physical custody and half of everything plus generous child support so that he can “beat you” into agreeing to only primary custody and less money and moderate child support. It is about him needing to feel that he tricked you into giving up something you wanted. If you let on that you are fine taking less then he will keep fighting. He wants to humiliate and punish you, so play along long enough for him to agree to something reasonable under the guise that you REALLY wanted way more and you are heartbroken to have to agree to less. |
Anonymous
| No WAY should you ask for less money in exchange for more time with the kids. That is the opposite of how it should work. You deserve half of the marital assets and you might be eligible for child support as well. Get a lawyer and fight for all you can. If he is a jerk with a bad temper, he's going to be like that regardless of what you ask for so get what you deserve. Get a lawyer, called a domestic abuse expert, and come up with a plan. Have your ducks in a row and document as much info as possible before you let him know you are thinking of divorce. |
Anonymous
| I am sorry for this situation. You are strong and brave to start on this path. For yourself and he children. Good luck! |
Anonymous
| Dont assume he wont want fifty fifty, He will pay less child support that way |
Anonymous
I have excellent credit and it's not problem to spend money on a consult. I'm not as poor as I may have led on. All the household charges, big bills get paid by credit card and he pays that bill each month. He's just super self centered. |
Anonymous
Stop victim blaming. This isn't a question of "falling out of love". It is a question of escaping emotional abuse. That's not selfish. Kids raised in an emotionally abusive environment definitely pay for it throughout their lives. I know, I was one. My parents are still together and my mother still verbally and emotionally abuses my father. In some ways I was served well by their remaining in a marriage -- I have one house to return to and no college debt (they paid in full). BUT, I have paid in other ways that crippled my life -- my two major long term relationships were both with abusive men (one physical, one emotional) because I grew up thinking that was normal. I have a difficult time engaging with people in relationships because I maintain my distance to maintain my safety. And, when I had my own kids, I had to work very hard not to pass on the emotionally damaging verbally abusive parenting style I learned from my Mom. As you may know, it is possible to fall in love with someone who later becomes abusive. That is exactly how abuse works. No one hits their lover on the first date. There is always a long period of good behavior as the abuser controls him/herself and reels the catch in, bonding them emotionally in the relationship. Then usually a period of increasing control happens before outright physical or severe emotional abuse happens. By that time the victim is usually entrapped in the relationship, having invested time, perhaps had kids, become financially entangled or owning property together. That's what my abusers did to me. I left my emotionally abusive, forever gaslighting, occasionally explosive DH with whom I had two kids when the kids were both under age 5. It was more important to me that they live half their lives in a healthy environment than that they live 100% of the time walking on eggshells. Fortunately, their DH wasn't interested in full custody, and, although they still see him, they have grown up in a much healthier way than he or I. OP, stay strong. You are doing the right thing. See a divorce attorney and at least get a consult and pull a plan together about how to leave. The lawyer can advise you about what monies you can take -- perhaps half of all joint savings accounts? And what you must do in terms of gathering documentation for the divorce. The lawyer will also tell you what to do about documenting your custody situation and whether/how to take the kids with you and if you have enough to file for a restraining order if there is violence or verbal abuse involved. One more thing -- don't feel like you have to be honest with him at this point. I think that many people in abusive relationships are honest about their feelings or plans, which is normal. But you are in an abnormal situation and your safety and success depends on you hiding your future plans from your husband. If he is abusive, then you owe him nothing, not even honesty. Try not to make lies of commission - actively saying something untrue - but do so where necessary to protect yourself. Lies of omission are OK -- he doesn't have a right to know your plans if he is abusive. Develop a lot of neutral non-committal phrases to respond to him so that you are not lying but you are not exposing your plans either. Make sure you are doing things that you can be tracked about - don't be online at home where you can be tracked through computer history, make sure you have a strong password on your phone, have separate email accounts if you are going to converse with a lawyer by email, make sure your location is off on your phone and you can't be tracked, especially when you are consulting your attorney. |
Anonymous
"we do respect and love each other" -- PP who wrote this, you do realize that respect and love don't exist in an physically, verbally or emotionally abusive marriage? Your advice based on your own experience (and your own sense of self-superiority) are irrelevant here. |
Unless you have been there, please shut up.
Anonymous
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OP a lawyer can give you advice on the best exit plan to work in your favor in both divorce and custody.
The Family Justice Center in Montgomery County can give you the best advice on an exit plan that is SAFE for you and your kids. If you don’t live in MoCo, find a domestic violence organization and they likely can provide similar information. |
Anonymous
| As others have said, you need a lawyer experienced with issues like this. And as others have said— it’s not “his” money. It’s as much yours as his. Be strong, OP. A much better life is calling you and your kids. |
Anonymous
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do all that youre doing. look for lawyer experienced in high conflict divorce (but hope yours won't be).
agree that you do not start out giving up less than half. eventually, you may desire to agree to a 50% custody on paper for calculation of child support but in reality take more time with the kids if he's going to fight custody only in order to pay less in support . if you have any concerns about his anger turning physically violent, pls consult battered women's services in order to figure out how to remain safe. |
Anonymous
I agree with you PP. It is like there was never nothing good between people and like nothing that has been given matters. There is no caring or care about the well being of the other person that I see in so many couples that split. Just hate and revenge. It is strange because in many cases people are far from poor and they share lots of happy years and a great family and kids and then at one point is like.. fire and flood. Nothing matters. It is so wrong and so bad for all those involved, the both and their kids. It does not have to be that way yet it is in most cases. It also seems to escalate. The lack of elementary empathy is stunning. |