Help me with the mechanics of leaving my explosive/verbally abusive spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've arrived at a place where even the simplest interaction leads to a blowup and him blaming me for everything that is wrong in our marriage. I'm happy to accept the blame that is due but it is clear to me that he has no intention of trying to moderate his behavior and he is damaging my mental health and that of the children (despite me begging him to stop yelling in front of the kids)

This is going to have a big negative impact on our kids. I feel liked I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't but I think it's time to set some boundaries and establish normalcy in our day to day lives.

So, how do I do it? We have a joint account but I really don't access it. I use the $ from my paycheck to pay certain household bills. He makes 2x what I do. We currently have a lot of cash (300K) n the bank. The house has about 600K in equity on a 1m house. I do not have a lot of cash in my own account because I spend it down each month on bills and day to day expenses. He views the joint money as "his money" so if I access it in order to leave he will react strongly.

Should I - save up and rent an apartment and then tell him? I want to take the kids with me at first to keep them away from any outbursts/anger and while I have every intention of sharing custody but I can't imagine he is going to want 50/50. I stayed home for a few years and even though I'm now back at work full-time, I am responsible for 95% of child-related responsibilities and he really bristles when faced with parenting duties and obligations.

Back to the "his money" thing. I'd like to make a deal that means I take less $ in exchange for more time with the kids and to keep a lid on the whole situation. I can't see a way to avoid an expensive, high-conflict divorce unless I give something up- he'll fight for the sake of fighting. I'd really like to take my share of our assets and keep the house but I think he'll feel like it's "his house" and he'll want to win by forcing a sale.

I am going to photograph all of our financial documents this week to have a record. What else do I need to do in order to be smart about this whole situation? Any Maryland lawyer recs appreciated - especially people who might be used to dealing with this type of person.

OP,
he has no intention of trying to moderate his behavior and he is damaging my mental health and that of the children

He might not be able to. It seems that he has ASD. It is possible because those things really hit the fan
when the people with ASD get married and have kids because it is too much to handle and they truly
can not deal with anything emotionally and they also have problems with executive functions and
see things for what they are, they struggle with parenting and with family responsibilities and
they just can't see it. You might want to read about ASD husbands and see how much you
can find in this helpful to deal with your current situation. It might not help you save the marriage
but it might be very helfpful to understand how your husband is thinking and acting and what
is causing it and then you can devise your strategy accordingly.

Good luck and hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:hard to believe people "fall in love" get married, produce kids and then "fall out of love" to a point they hate each other, screw around, and then don't give a rat's a## about the welfare of the person whom they once "loved". The American culture is the most selfish one on the planet! Sad....but true.

Um in our Grandparents generation the men gave no sh%t about how the women felt. Women would take it and stay. So vast improvement since then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've arrived at a place where even the simplest interaction leads to a blowup and him blaming me for everything that is wrong in our marriage. I'm happy to accept the blame that is due but it is clear to me that he has no intention of trying to moderate his behavior and he is damaging my mental health and that of the children (despite me begging him to stop yelling in front of the kids)

This is going to have a big negative impact on our kids. I feel liked I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't but I think it's time to set some boundaries and establish normalcy in our day to day lives.

So, how do I do it? We have a joint account but I really don't access it. I use the $ from my paycheck to pay certain household bills. He makes 2x what I do. We currently have a lot of cash (300K) n the bank. The house has about 600K in equity on a 1m house. I do not have a lot of cash in my own account because I spend it down each month on bills and day to day expenses. He views the joint money as "his money" so if I access it in order to leave he will react strongly.

Should I - save up and rent an apartment and then tell him? I want to take the kids with me at first to keep them away from any outbursts/anger and while I have every intention of sharing custody but I can't imagine he is going to want 50/50. I stayed home for a few years and even though I'm now back at work full-time, I am responsible for 95% of child-related responsibilities and he really bristles when faced with parenting duties and obligations.

Back to the "his money" thing. I'd like to make a deal that means I take less $ in exchange for more time with the kids and to keep a lid on the whole situation. I can't see a way to avoid an expensive, high-conflict divorce unless I give something up- he'll fight for the sake of fighting. I'd really like to take my share of our assets and keep the house but I think he'll feel like it's "his house" and he'll want to win by forcing a sale.

I am going to photograph all of our financial documents this week to have a record. What else do I need to do in order to be smart about this whole situation? Any Maryland lawyer recs appreciated - especially people who might be used to dealing with this type of person.

OP,
he has no intention of trying to moderate his behavior and he is damaging my mental health and that of the children

He might not be able to. It seems that he has ASD. It is possible because those things really hit the fan
when the people with ASD get married and have kids because it is too much to handle and they truly
can not deal with anything emotionally and they also have problems with executive functions and
see things for what they are, they struggle with parenting and with family responsibilities and
they just can't see it. You might want to read about ASD husbands and see how much you
can find in this helpful to deal with your current situation. It might not help you save the marriage
but it might be very helfpful to understand how your husband is thinking and acting and what
is causing it and then you can devise your strategy accordingly.

Good luck and hugs.

Wow, took 5 whole days for crazy Autism poster to respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:hard to believe people "fall in love" get married, produce kids and then "fall out of love" to a point they hate each other, screw around, and then don't give a rat's a## about the welfare of the person whom they once "loved". The American culture is the most selfish one on the planet! Sad....but true.

Yes, so sad to hear about people in abusive relationships. How selfish of them to want a normal life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've arrived at a place where even the simplest interaction leads to a blowup and him blaming me for everything that is wrong in our marriage. I'm happy to accept the blame that is due but it is clear to me that he has no intention of trying to moderate his behavior and he is damaging my mental health and that of the children (despite me begging him to stop yelling in front of the kids)

This is going to have a big negative impact on our kids. I feel liked I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't but I think it's time to set some boundaries and establish normalcy in our day to day lives.

So, how do I do it? We have a joint account but I really don't access it. I use the $ from my paycheck to pay certain household bills. He makes 2x what I do. We currently have a lot of cash (300K) n the bank. The house has about 600K in equity on a 1m house. I do not have a lot of cash in my own account because I spend it down each month on bills and day to day expenses. He views the joint money as "his money" so if I access it in order to leave he will react strongly.

Should I - save up and rent an apartment and then tell him? I want to take the kids with me at first to keep them away from any outbursts/anger and while I have every intention of sharing custody but I can't imagine he is going to want 50/50. I stayed home for a few years and even though I'm now back at work full-time, I am responsible for 95% of child-related responsibilities and he really bristles when faced with parenting duties and obligations.

Back to the "his money" thing. I'd like to make a deal that means I take less $ in exchange for more time with the kids and to keep a lid on the whole situation. I can't see a way to avoid an expensive, high-conflict divorce unless I give something up- he'll fight for the sake of fighting. I'd really like to take my share of our assets and keep the house but I think he'll feel like it's "his house" and he'll want to win by forcing a sale.

I am going to photograph all of our financial documents this week to have a record. What else do I need to do in order to be smart about this whole situation? Any Maryland lawyer recs appreciated - especially people who might be used to dealing with this type of person.

OP,
he has no intention of trying to moderate his behavior and he is damaging my mental health and that of the children

He might not be able to. It seems that he has ASD. It is possible because those things really hit the fan
when the people with ASD get married and have kids because it is too much to handle and they truly
can not deal with anything emotionally and they also have problems with executive functions and
see things for what they are, they struggle with parenting and with family responsibilities and
they just can't see it. You might want to read about ASD husbands and see how much you
can find in this helpful to deal with your current situation. It might not help you save the marriage
but it might be very helfpful to understand how your husband is thinking and acting and what
is causing it and then you can devise your strategy accordingly.

Good luck and hugs.

Wow, took 5 whole days for crazy Autism poster to respond.

Thanks for waiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've arrived at a place where even the simplest interaction leads to a blowup and him blaming me for everything that is wrong in our marriage. I'm happy to accept the blame that is due but it is clear to me that he has no intention of trying to moderate his behavior and he is damaging my mental health and that of the children (despite me begging him to stop yelling in front of the kids)

This is going to have a big negative impact on our kids. I feel liked I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't but I think it's time to set some boundaries and establish normalcy in our day to day lives.

So, how do I do it? We have a joint account but I really don't access it. I use the $ from my paycheck to pay certain household bills. He makes 2x what I do. We currently have a lot of cash (300K) n the bank. The house has about 600K in equity on a 1m house. I do not have a lot of cash in my own account because I spend it down each month on bills and day to day expenses. He views the joint money as "his money" so if I access it in order to leave he will react strongly.

Should I - save up and rent an apartment and then tell him? I want to take the kids with me at first to keep them away from any outbursts/anger and while I have every intention of sharing custody but I can't imagine he is going to want 50/50. I stayed home for a few years and even though I'm now back at work full-time, I am responsible for 95% of child-related responsibilities and he really bristles when faced with parenting duties and obligations.

Back to the "his money" thing. I'd like to make a deal that means I take less $ in exchange for more time with the kids and to keep a lid on the whole situation. I can't see a way to avoid an expensive, high-conflict divorce unless I give something up- he'll fight for the sake of fighting. I'd really like to take my share of our assets and keep the house but I think he'll feel like it's "his house" and he'll want to win by forcing a sale.

I am going to photograph all of our financial documents this week to have a record. What else do I need to do in order to be smart about this whole situation? Any Maryland lawyer recs appreciated - especially people who might be used to dealing with this type of person.

OP,
he has no intention of trying to moderate his behavior and he is damaging my mental health and that of the children

He might not be able to. It seems that he has ASD. It is possible because those things really hit the fan
when the people with ASD get married and have kids because it is too much to handle and they truly
can not deal with anything emotionally and they also have problems with executive functions and
see things for what they are, they struggle with parenting and with family responsibilities and
they just can't see it. You might want to read about ASD husbands and see how much you
can find in this helpful to deal with your current situation. It might not help you save the marriage
but it might be very helfpful to understand how your husband is thinking and acting and what
is causing it and then you can devise your strategy accordingly.

Good luck and hugs.

Wow, took 5 whole days for crazy Autism poster to respond.

PP, how many times do I need to tell you to stop calling crazy everyone that you don't agree with!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've arrived at a place where even the simplest interaction leads to a blowup and him blaming me for everything that is wrong in our marriage. I'm happy to accept the blame that is due but it is clear to me that he has no intention of trying to moderate his behavior and he is damaging my mental health and that of the children (despite me begging him to stop yelling in front of the kids)

This is going to have a big negative impact on our kids. I feel liked I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't but I think it's time to set some boundaries and establish normalcy in our day to day lives.

So, how do I do it? We have a joint account but I really don't access it. I use the $ from my paycheck to pay certain household bills. He makes 2x what I do. We currently have a lot of cash (300K) n the bank. The house has about 600K in equity on a 1m house. I do not have a lot of cash in my own account because I spend it down each month on bills and day to day expenses. He views the joint money as "his money" so if I access it in order to leave he will react strongly.

Should I - save up and rent an apartment and then tell him? I want to take the kids with me at first to keep them away from any outbursts/anger and while I have every intention of sharing custody but I can't imagine he is going to want 50/50. I stayed home for a few years and even though I'm now back at work full-time, I am responsible for 95% of child-related responsibilities and he really bristles when faced with parenting duties and obligations.

Back to the "his money" thing. I'd like to make a deal that means I take less $ in exchange for more time with the kids and to keep a lid on the whole situation. I can't see a way to avoid an expensive, high-conflict divorce unless I give something up- he'll fight for the sake of fighting. I'd really like to take my share of our assets and keep the house but I think he'll feel like it's "his house" and he'll want to win by forcing a sale.

I am going to photograph all of our financial documents this week to have a record. What else do I need to do in order to be smart about this whole situation? Any Maryland lawyer recs appreciated - especially people who might be used to dealing with this type of person.

OP,
he has no intention of trying to moderate his behavior and he is damaging my mental health and that of the children

He might not be able to. It seems that he has ASD. It is possible because those things really hit the fan
when the people with ASD get married and have kids because it is too much to handle and they truly
can not deal with anything emotionally and they also have problems with executive functions and
see things for what they are, they struggle with parenting and with family responsibilities and
they just can't see it. You might want to read about ASD husbands and see how much you
can find in this helpful to deal with your current situation. It might not help you save the marriage
but it might be very helfpful to understand how your husband is thinking and acting and what
is causing it and then you can devise your strategy accordingly.

Good luck and hugs.

Wow, took 5 whole days for crazy Autism poster to respond.

PP, how many times do I need to tell you to stop calling crazy everyone that you don't agree with!

Crazy Autism poster: how many times do we need to tell you that not every issue is due to autism. Your ability to see Autism in every situation is proof that you are crazy.

[Anonymous]

OP, sending all the good vibes your way. One other thing: if shit hits the fan, you want to make sure you have copies of all the important docs somewhere other than the family home. Can you stash a file with a trusted loved one? A colleague?

Birth certificates
passports
social securities cards (or numbers at least)
prescriptions
insurance cards
deeds
leases
financial stuff
etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes you get half of any income earned by both of you. They look 3-5 years back and if he goes on a vendetta Spending spree that is his half.

The legal term for this is "marital waste."

[Anonymous]

This was me 5 years ago. Get a therapist who is familiar with abuse. See if you can change your payroll at work to start sticking money away in your own account, but not so much he would notice. Yes, tell him by letter. And have people around you 24/7 for a while. I flew my dad in and my friend’s husband (ex-army ranger) was hiding in the basement with a baseball bat when he got home after getting the letter. I already had the apartment ready and furnished but didn’t want to grab the kids and run unless I had to. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Therapists are cheaper than lawyers for making safety plans. You can also find some on the internet, but those are just starting points. Also check out JCADA.org. If you go the apartment route, go for a high rise with a door man. If necessary, you may have to read your security team at work in. I did. If he is at all violent or makes any threats after he gets your letter (or before), get a protective order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've arrived at a place where even the simplest interaction leads to a blowup and him blaming me for everything that is wrong in our marriage. I'm happy to accept the blame that is due but it is clear to me that he has no intention of trying to moderate his behavior and he is damaging my mental health and that of the children (despite me begging him to stop yelling in front of the kids)

This is going to have a big negative impact on our kids. I feel liked I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't but I think it's time to set some boundaries and establish normalcy in our day to day lives.

So, how do I do it? We have a joint account but I really don't access it. I use the $ from my paycheck to pay certain household bills. He makes 2x what I do. We currently have a lot of cash (300K) n the bank. The house has about 600K in equity on a 1m house. I do not have a lot of cash in my own account because I spend it down each month on bills and day to day expenses. He views the joint money as "his money" so if I access it in order to leave he will react strongly.

Should I - save up and rent an apartment and then tell him? I want to take the kids with me at first to keep them away from any outbursts/anger and while I have every intention of sharing custody but I can't imagine he is going to want 50/50. I stayed home for a few years and even though I'm now back at work full-time, I am responsible for 95% of child-related responsibilities and he really bristles when faced with parenting duties and obligations.

Back to the "his money" thing. I'd like to make a deal that means I take less $ in exchange for more time with the kids and to keep a lid on the whole situation. I can't see a way to avoid an expensive, high-conflict divorce unless I give something up- he'll fight for the sake of fighting. I'd really like to take my share of our assets and keep the house but I think he'll feel like it's "his house" and he'll want to win by forcing a sale.

I am going to photograph all of our financial documents this week to have a record. What else do I need to do in order to be smart about this whole situation? Any Maryland lawyer recs appreciated - especially people who might be used to dealing with this type of person.

OP,
he has no intention of trying to moderate his behavior and he is damaging my mental health and that of the children

He might not be able to. It seems that he has ASD. It is possible because those things really hit the fan
when the people with ASD get married and have kids because it is too much to handle and they truly
can not deal with anything emotionally and they also have problems with executive functions and
see things for what they are, they struggle with parenting and with family responsibilities and
they just can't see it. You might want to read about ASD husbands and see how much you
can find in this helpful to deal with your current situation. It might not help you save the marriage
but it might be very helfpful to understand how your husband is thinking and acting and what
is causing it and then you can devise your strategy accordingly.

Good luck and hugs.

Wow, took 5 whole days for crazy Autism poster to respond.

PP, how many times do I need to tell you to stop calling crazy everyone that you don't agree with!

Crazy Autism poster: how many times do we need to tell you that not every issue is due to autism. Your ability to see Autism in every situation is proof that you are crazy.

Trying to invalidate someone else’s suggestion or feelings is psychotic. Or maybe YOU are the aspie. Your chronic defensiveness and hypersensitivity are good clues. Good luck app, we’ll pray for you and those around you.

[Anonymous]

If you are in Montgomery County, go to the Family Justice Center. They will help you with safety planning, and think of all the things you need to do to safely leave the relationship. You can go to thee Center in Rockville or call them at 240-773-0444.

[Anonymous]

I have excellent credit and it's not problem to spend money on a consult. I'm not as poor as I may have led on. All the household charges, big bills get paid by credit card and he pays that bill each month. He's just super self centered.

This is good news. I'd do the consult in cash and get a PO Box if you are going to be needing to give out an address during this time. My husband had a lawyer for a speeding ticket and we get that lawyer's mailing every quarter. You don't want that showing up at the house because your lawyer's assistant doesn't know not to send it.

Good luck to you - kudos on being strong enough to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:hard to believe people "fall in love" get married, produce kids and then "fall out of love" to a point they hate each other, screw around, and then don't give a rat's a## about the welfare of the person whom they once "loved". The American culture is the most selfish one on the planet! Sad....but true.

It's even worse in some other countries.