Would You Punish This Behavior and If So, How?

[Anonymous]

DS15 had a big test today, one he's known about since the beginning of school year. Subject is one that he likes but has to work hard at to do well (better than a C).

He studied - sort of - over the past weekend although in my mind, wasted a lot of time and could have done much more to get himself ready for test.

Sunday night, we were gifted a couple of tickets for Nats game last night. DH was clear: You have this big test next day, game will be late, IF you are ready for test, you can go.

Monday afternoon (game day) DS asked me to help him review. Very clear to me that he had a long way to go in studying; couldn't answer basic questions from review sheet. DH said no game and took DC2 instead.

DS really upset (understandably), grabbed basketball and headed to the park. Stayed away a couple of hours, although texting me (at home) with updates on his whereabouts. He threatened in text to stay out late and sent a selfie from a location about 2 miles away. I kept cool and told him a favorite dinner was waiting. Returned home still upset, but ready to eat, take shower and study. Stayed up until about midnight studying. Said test today was "easy." We shall see.

My concern is the "running away" and refusing to return home when asked. If this is not punished, does it lead to staying out much later the next time he's upset?

Thanks for any advice. This is new behavior as he's generally a good kid.

[Anonymous]

Did you tell him to come home and he ignored you? If yes then I would punish for that by taking away the phone. If you tried tried to cajole him to come home or appealing to him then no I would not.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to him about dealing with anger, communication, walking away to calm down, parents having to know where their children are, etc.

It's not so much about punishing but about helping him learn how to deal with anger, frustration, jealousy, etc. in an acceptable way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell him to come home and he ignored you? If yes then I would punish for that by taking away the phone. If you tried tried to cajole him to come home or appealing to him then no I would not.

Thanks. Yes, I specifically told him by text to come home, twice. I also called and he didn't answer. Agree that phone is the logical punishment for this.

[Anonymous]

You are WAY too involved in his academics. He's what, a sophomore? He can be managing his own study scheduling. If he doesn't do well, that's on him. Judge him by his results, don't micromanage his studying. Seriously. Take four giant steps backwards.

Plus, he could have gone to that epic game with his dad, a memory he would have had for years. Now he just remembers that you didn't let him go because you didn't like how he was studying. Instead of punishment, you need to apologize.

[Anonymous]

I would not have held out the possibility of going to the game. Seems like he’s not a consistent, timely, and motivated studier. Also, if the game was late and he came home wound up and going to bed later than usual, that wouldn’t be good for his test performance.

I would have a serious talk about needing to comply with curfews and to come home when required. Also talk about understanding his disappointment but that school comes first. Sounds like he threatened to stay out but actually didn’t, so I would let this one go unpunished, just have a talk about maturity, responsibility, and coming home when told or when he’s supposed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are WAY too involved in his academics. He's what, a sophomore? He can be managing his own study scheduling. If he doesn't do well, that's on him. Judge him by his results, don't micromanage his studying. Seriously. Take four giant steps backwards.

Plus, he could have gone to that epic game with his dad, a memory he would have had for years. Now he just remembers that you didn't let him go because you didn't like how he was studying. Instead of punishment, you need to apologize.

OP here. Yes, he is a sophomore and actually, I'm not involved much at all in his studies. He asked me to help him review yesterday afternoon. The comments about studying over the weekend were just my observation; I said nothing to him about it.

I agree that he missed a wonderful game and I'm very sorry about that. But I didn't tell him he couldn't go because I didn't like how he was studying. It was late in the afternoon and, in asking him questions from the review sheet (which I had not seen until that point), I could tell that he had no idea about a couple of the major concepts.

[Anonymous]

You all knew there was a game/test. Son clearly needs more academic support. Personally I would have stayed on top of it and helped him study sooner so it wouldn't have been an issue. I think it was unfair of dad to pull the game. Instead of buying tickets, get your kid a tutor instead if you don't want to help.

I would punish him for a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are WAY too involved in his academics. He's what, a sophomore? He can be managing his own study scheduling. If he doesn't do well, that's on him. Judge him by his results, don't micromanage his studying. Seriously. Take four giant steps backwards.

Plus, he could have gone to that epic game with his dad, a memory he would have had for years. Now he just remembers that you didn't let him go because you didn't like how he was studying. Instead of punishment, you need to apologize.

OP here. Yes, he is a sophomore and actually, I'm not involved much at all in his studies. He asked me to help him review yesterday afternoon. The comments about studying over the weekend were just my observation; I said nothing to him about it.

I agree that he missed a wonderful game and I'm very sorry about that. But I didn't tell him he couldn't go because I didn't like how he was studying. It was late in the afternoon and, in asking him questions from the review sheet (which I had not seen until that point), I could tell that he had no idea about a couple of the major concepts.

Maybe that is the issue. He needs more involvement and he's not getting the support at home he needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all knew there was a game/test. Son clearly needs more academic support. Personally I would have stayed on top of it and helped him study sooner so it wouldn't have been an issue. I think it was unfair of dad to pull the game. Instead of buying tickets, get your kid a tutor instead if you don't want to help.

I would punish him for a week.

Thanks, although I think you missed a couple of key points --we were GIVEN the tickets (if that's your suggestion for a tutoring budget) on Sunday night -- the day before all of this took place-- so no, we didn't know that there was a game/ test, at least not in enough time to really focus on that.

But this is helping me think this through, so I appreciate your comment.

[Anonymous]

DP. I wouldn't' even have known about the test, let alone from the beginning of the year, that tells you about your involvement OP. This whole ticket game was so unnecessary, you made it into a punishment when there was absolutely no need for it. Why even mention it if you know he has to study?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all knew there was a game/test. Son clearly needs more academic support. Personally I would have stayed on top of it and helped him study sooner so it wouldn't have been an issue. I think it was unfair of dad to pull the game. Instead of buying tickets, get your kid a tutor instead if you don't want to help.

I would punish him for a week.

Thanks, although I think you missed a couple of key points --we were GIVEN the tickets (if that's your suggestion for a tutoring budget) on Sunday night -- the day before all of this took place-- so no, we didn't know that there was a game/ test, at least not in enough time to really focus on that.

But this is helping me think this through, so I appreciate your comment.

Get him tutoring, get more involved in helping him/supporting him as not everyone is a strong student and punish him for taking off for a few hours. Either way, I don't think it was fair of Dad to not take him regardless of the test.

[Anonymous]

I totally sympathize OP. It's hard at this age. We're dealing with drama around our sophomore's academics. He struggles in school and we unfortunately have to oversee his homework etc like army generals. We also supplement with tutors in subjects where we can't provide useful assistance. We just took away his phone (when he's home) after a string of bad grades. He can read or draw when he's done with his homework, but no more endless screen/texting time. It's been a good thing so far.

More importantly he started talking to us about school angst. He feels stupid, he's worried & embarrassed, and he is suddenly a little more tuned into the fact that college isn't all that far off and he thinks he's doomed. And this is a kid who is literally impervious to peer pressure and who is generally happier in his own skin than any human being I've ever met. Everyone told me that freshman year would be a shock to the system, but at least for us it's sophomore year when everything has started to get real. Passing this along just in case it factors into your own kid's recent drama.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you about saying "no" to the game. We faced something like that when my kid was the same age.

After that, if he dealt with it poorly but kept you informed where he was, I'd handle it with a discussion and not a punishment.

All that said... if you knew over the weekend that he wasn't preparing, and you knew where things were headed, you set him up. Don't do that.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, pulling the game was a dick move. That’s not how you motivate kids.