Would You Punish This Behavior and If So, How?

[Anonymous]

Enough punishment has already taken place. You have pushed him away more than you can easily fix. Further punishment is just rubbing salt on the open wound.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Enough punishment has already taken place. You have pushed him away more than you can easily fix. Further punishment is just rubbing salt on the open wound.

+1

As someone who's raised 2 teen boys, I'd say yours handled his anger and frustration in a constructive way - by exercising. You should continue to encourage that.

You say he did continue to text you his location so that's good. If he doesn't have it already, I'd make sure there's an app on his phone like find my friends or life 360 so you know where he is - all my teens were required to have that in order to keep their phones.

Missing the game was the ultimate punishment. Now that he's cooled down I'd have a discussion with him regarding handling frustration (which he did well) while still respecting your rules as to where he goes, staying in touch, being home for dinner, etc.

It sounds like you have a good, open relationship with him so continue what you're doing. Respect his feelings and he'll respect yours.

[Anonymous]

What grade did he get on the test?

[Anonymous]

You should not be that involved in dictating when, where, how or how much your high school sophomore needs to study for a test and I don't blame him for being angry and wanting some space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a game people not Grandma's funeral! You didn't study, you don't go. Priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are WAY too involved in his academics. He's what, a sophomore? He can be managing his own study scheduling. If he doesn't do well, that's on him. Judge him by his results, don't micromanage his studying. Seriously. Take four giant steps backwards.

Plus, he could have gone to that epic game with his dad, a memory he would have had for years. Now he just remembers that you didn't let him go because you didn't like how he was studying. Instead of punishment, you need to apologize.

This. Pretty soon, it's going to be hard to force a 15 year old to be home when you want. You need to start cutting the apron strings. The rule is home for dinner at x o'clock, that's it. You don't come home on time, you don't eat tonight. And everyone is home for the evening by y o'clock. Grades have to be a B average or whatever in order to continue to have x y z privileges. Do not micromanage tests, quizes, etc.

And then when they don't mean the average? Do you help them with tutors or other support? Or should they have to figure it out all on their own?

[Anonymous]

Your kid is going to make mistakes. He is going to fail. Not knowing how exactly to do everything shouldn't be punished. You should be figuring out how to help HIM figure out how to succeed. It wasn't even that he didn't study, or didn't do well on the test you just decided that he didn't know enough and punished him in advance. God I hope he crushed the test.

As for the leaving, I think that was a pretty rational, grown up thing to do. Things start getting upsetting and hot, you retreat so you can compose yourself.

It sounds like he's a pretty decent kid. I bet he's trying to figure out how freaking perfect he has to be to get you to lighten up. If your kid is polite, kind, respectful and has a decent ethic back off. Remember, you are a steward of this person, not a boss or a master.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell him to come home and he ignored you? If yes then I would punish for that by taking away the phone. If you tried tried to cajole him to come home or appealing to him then no I would not.

Thanks. Yes, I specifically told him by text to come home, twice. I also called and he didn't answer. Agree that phone is the logical punishment for this.

If I call my kid and they don’t answer they lose their phone for one day. If I text, same thing. Each incidence of ignoring me results in one day of lost phone privileges.

The primary reason for them to have a phone is so I can reach them. This is a hard line for me. Ignoring my texts or calls is not an option. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What grade did he get on the test?

This.

How did do on the test?

[Anonymous]

He can live wherever he wants at this point. He legally never has to come home after the age of 12.

[Anonymous]

Oh, man. Missing a historic game like that as punishment while your father takes your sibling is one of those once-in-a-lifetime scarring memories that will be remembered with anger and resentment for years. You may hope it will teach him responsibility and study habits but the message he has likely gotten is that he should avoid telling you about any tests or anything going on at school or asking for help because then he can't get in trouble if you don't know.

Sorry, OP, but I think you really, REALLY screwed up here. Logically you can argue for the punishments but in terms of the relationship, depending on the kid, this is the kind of thing that causes festering grudges and real damage. I hope making your point was worth it. Because you're probably going to still be hearing about this when you're 80.

[Anonymous]

OP again, and I sincerely appreciate all the comments. A few updates:

1) He doesn't know yet what he made on the test. Said it was "easy," but we all know that could mean anything.

2) We (DH and I) did have a good conversation with him about the whole event. We understood his anger and reiterated to him that he did the right thing by keeping in touch by text, even if he was staying away when asked to come home. We discussed the importance of communication and reminded him that the #1 purpose of that phone (which we pay for) is to keep in touch with parents. We did not punish him further - this time - by taking the phone away.

3) We also talked a lot about how we are walking the line between trying to support him academically when needed and holding him to expectations, while at the same time giving him more and more space to manage himself, with the goal being that he can do that effectively in 2.5 years when he's on his own. He understands that and feels the same way - vacillating between needing our help and wanting to manage it all himself.

4) We talked about how his Number One Job is school. Things - even big event things - will always come up. If you want to take advantage of them, he must stay on top of his responsibilities.

5) DH splurged on tickets to Sunday night's game! Due to a weird quirk in DS's schedule, he knows that he will have no tests and very little homework over the weekend and even Monday night.

GO NATS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell him to come home and he ignored you? If yes then I would punish for that by taking away the phone. If you tried tried to cajole him to come home or appealing to him then no I would not.

Thanks. Yes, I specifically told him by text to come home, twice. I also called and he didn't answer. Agree that phone is the logical punishment for this.

If I call my kid and they don’t answer they lose their phone for one day. If I text, same thing. Each incidence of ignoring me results in one day of lost phone privileges.

The primary reason for them to have a phone is so I can reach them. This is a hard line for me. Ignoring my texts or calls is not an option. Period.

I WILL FORCE YOU TO LOVE ME!!! That always ends well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS15 had a big test today, one he's known about since the beginning of school year. Subject is one that he likes but has to work hard at to do well (better than a C).

He studied - sort of - over the past weekend although in my mind, wasted a lot of time and could have done much more to get himself ready for test.

Sunday night, we were gifted a couple of tickets for Nats game last night. DH was clear: You have this big test next day, game will be late, IF you are ready for test, you can go.

Monday afternoon (game day) DS asked me to help him review. Very clear to me that he had a long way to go in studying; couldn't answer basic questions from review sheet. DH said no game and took DC2 instead.

DS really upset (understandably), grabbed basketball and headed to the park. Stayed away a couple of hours, although texting me (at home) with updates on his whereabouts. He threatened in text to stay out late and sent a selfie from a location about 2 miles away. I kept cool and told him a favorite dinner was waiting. Returned home still upset, but ready to eat, take shower and study. Stayed up until about midnight studying. Said test today was "easy." We shall see.

My concern is the "running away" and refusing to return home when asked. If this is not punished, does it lead to staying out much later the next time he's upset?

Thanks for any advice. This is new behavior as he's generally a good kid.

The punishment was not getting to go to the game. He was upset and acted immaturely but, then again he is immature! I agree with others you should back off on the nagging. He knows it matters to you and this is the way he is trying to "hurt" you. Take yourself out of the equation and let him decide if he wants to do well or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell him to come home and he ignored you? If yes then I would punish for that by taking away the phone. If you tried tried to cajole him to come home or appealing to him then no I would not.

Thanks. Yes, I specifically told him by text to come home, twice. I also called and he didn't answer. Agree that phone is the logical punishment for this.

If I call my kid and they don’t answer they lose their phone for one day. If I text, same thing. Each incidence of ignoring me results in one day of lost phone privileges.

The primary reason for them to have a phone is so I can reach them. This is a hard line for me. Ignoring my texts or calls is not an option. Period.

I WILL FORCE YOU TO LOVE ME!!! That always ends well.

NP. Are you kidding? What does this have to do with "forcing you to love me?" This is a hard and fast phone rule at my house too. The purpose of the phone is not texting friends or playing games. It's to keep in touch with parents.